Hello everyone.
I am a fifty year old who lives in a city, within fifteen miles from my elderly parents, who are in their 80's. I have one sibling, a sister and we are at odds. Much of my extended family, aunts and cousins live within this fifteen mile radius. I am surrounded by family and I have a lot of pressure.
My mother was seriously ill two and half years ago with sepsis and she nearly died. During the six months in hospital I nearly fell apart. I was seeking therapy before she got sick and coming to terms with accepting I have C-PTSD. As soon as my mother got into hospital, my sister and my father began to schedule me.
With my husband and therapist, the plan was that I should always have my husband with me during visits, as my mother behaves better with him around. She modifies her behavior. This did not go well with my sister and father who wanted me at the hospital for hours during the day. They used fear, obligation and guilt tactics. They phoned me constantly, left messages. My sister used Facebook to try to control me via private messages. I stood firm with her countless times. One my sentence response was: "I will be there from 4 pm until 7 pm." It didn't matter what I said to her, she pushed me to come in earlier.
I resisted and what happens? The drama unfolds with the outer family. Suddenly cousins are messaging me saying they had to defend me to their mother and aunt. I am apparently a terrible daughter. I am not doing my honorable duty to my mother and father. I am pretty much a bad person. Selfish and mean.
My mother recovered and I tried to do Sunday visits once a week. It was hard but as time went on, it became horrible. My father used the silent treatment whenever he was in a bad mood. I could pretty much tell by the look in his eyes that he was enraged at me, for not complying when my mother was in hospital. I tried to overlook it, but it hurt and it stirred up fear in me. I remember that look in his eyes when he used to hit us in the head. He lashed out many times against my sister and I. I witnessed my sister with a bloody lip more than once and he hit me so hard when I was just a small girl, my head hit the wall.
I am still scared of him.
But he left a message a few weeks ago - after I began to implement no contact with them - that my mother has been diagnosed with cancer.
I am at a complete loss.
I have no idea how to behave. Do I take care of myself and the C-PTSD or do I honor my father and mother, as my sister likes to tell me to do?
I feel so much terrible guilt that I am kept awake at night. I begin to believe what they say, that I am selfish and mean.
Am I?
You are not selfish and mean, not at all. I'm sad that you feel this way. How terrible that your family is using this guilt to get you to comply. I'm in a similar age range as you, same aged parents and location. I wish I was thousands of miles away from them.
It's all them and not you. They are not safe people for you. Please don't break your no contact even if your mother has cancer. If she does, there is nothing you're going to do about it. She may not have cancer at all, this could be your dad's big lie to get you back in line.
I like the boundaries you set with your sister about visiting your mom, 4pm to 7pm is way more than enough, absolutely plenty. If she keeps ignoring your statements, maybe say to her "my NO means NO, don't ask again". I'm starting to let my anger show with my uPDmom. It catches her so off guard, it's working and she's actually going along with my boundaries. (for now, I know it's too good to last).
I would honor a mother and father who were excellent parents, who put me first. I didn't get parents like that and neither did you. But does honor mean you give up your life for them? No way. I don't want my children to live their lives for me. I didn't have children so I would have caretakers. I want them to spread their wings and live their lives, not to move me in their living room and change my diaper on my death bed. :no:
Your father sounds scary, do whatever you can to protect yourself from him. It's good you have a therapist. I might book a few extra appointments during this time. You need support. Hugs to you Sweetbriar. Please keep posting, sadly we all understand how difficult this is.
Oh thank you SunnyMeadow. I can't express how much your support means. I am in tears, in a good way. Good tears. I need to cry.
I feel so alone in this world. It seems like I am swimming against the stream, or more like river rapids. Even with therapy and a husband who wants to help me, the rest of my large family has painted me a demon, and it is such a terrible feeling to be an outcast and judged.
I have been thinking so much about the commandment 'honor they father and mother.' We seem to have one way to interpret it and that works for families that have been loving. I know this about myself. I am loving. If my mother and father had protected me and shown me love as a child and even as an adult. Things like phoning and simply saying, "How are you love? Are you okay?" My GOD! I would return that sentiment 10 fold.
But as time has passed I have felt as neglected as ever and then worse, used. There must be some give and take in life and even elderly parents, who are frail and suffering, can take the hand of their adult child and give them a minute, by saying, "how are you?"
I will honor my parents by focusing on what they did right and to try not to speak badly of them to my family members or anyone in the public. But I do not think and feel that it is right, to sacrifice my sense of wellbeing by being around two people who seem to love and despise each other at the same time. My father is also in the peak realms of hoarding. When I visit them the house is so packed I fear the ambulance service will not be able to get to them, should they fall in one of the back bedrooms.
It is a dark realm to walk into and I have spent thirty years trying to add light into my life and my husband and child's life. I didn't want to repeat what I witnessed as a child.
To go back into that darkness is sickening to me. I can't do it.
Thank you for reminding me I am not selfish and mean. The extended family has entitled me the black sheep and they intend to make my life hell until I do what my father wants.
Boundaries are so important and so hard when people do not want to understand. They'd rather destroy me than give me my freedom it seems sometimes.
Thank you also for reminding me to avoid breaking no contact because I keep wavering. The guilt is huge. I also wondered if my father made up the cancer diagnosis. It's got to the point that I wouldn't be surprised. He seems to want to do anything to reel me back in.
I will second, you are completely within your rights to protect yourself emotionally by remaining NC.
I've never understood why anyone should be expected to sit in a hospital and be miserable for hours on end while their family member is taken care of by trained professionals and sits and watches TV. For that matter, what do they expect you to do? I doubt you're an oncologist, and therefore able to help with treatment in any way. You would merely be there for emotional support, which with PDs, looks an awful lot like letting them verbally and emotional abuse you while you just sit and take it.
No. Don't break NC. You need to take care of yourself now. You've given them ample chances and they've never acted appropriately. PDs generally don't improve in these situations either, they tend to get much, much worse.
It's okay to not respond. In fact, it's probably the best choice for you right now. Take care of yourself. :bighug:
Thanks @Andeza
It was exactly as you describe. Her PD was escalated and if my father happened to walk into the room when we were there she went into ultimate attack mode. Where had he been? Why is he so sneaky? She would scream at him and use the f-word at him and I'd sit there feeling smaller and smaller and then my father would look at me, as if to say, save me from her! It was horrendous.
One time a nurse took my husband and me aside. She had been there for weeks and observed my mother's behavior. She said that she thought my mother had a personality disorder and my father and my sister aggravated it. When I went, my mother seemed to limit herself, but as soon as they would show up, she'd erupt as if she'd been holding it in, needing them to release it. Again I had to witness hell. I was unsure what the nurse wanted from me, maybe she too needed to talk about it, because it was hard to watch.
I thought the same thing. Why did my father need me to be there? My mother was in the care of experts? Why did he continually feel the need to appease my mother (when in actual fact, she was worse when he was there?)
I cannot be sure if my father has NPD but it seemed to me it was about appearances. He wanted to appear we were this "normal" family that cared diligently for their dear, sick mother. But my mother is far from dear. She is the ultimate bully! She is outrageous in her outbursts and my father seethes quietly and then takes it out on ... well me.
But I don't want it anymore.
@Sweetbriar this comment the nurse made is a BIIIIIIIG flag. Maybe you are used to doubting everything when it comes to your family?
Quote from: Sweetbriar on February 03, 2020, 11:47:59 AM
One time a nurse took my husband and me aside. She had been there for weeks and observed my mother's behaviour. She said that she thought my mother had a personality disorder and my father and my sister aggravated it
I agree with SunnyMeadow. I would not want to burden my children and use them as a ATM, nurse, therapist, punching bag nor expect them to take on any role other than loving son or daughter. My expectation is for myself to be a responsible adult and not relish in drama or cause it to the people around me.
There is a fenomenal podcast you can listen to on Apple, Google Podcasts, Play and Spotify called Narcissist Apocalypse. The host was a victim of abuse from his older brother and he interviews many survivors. Please try to listen to a few if you can. It really helped me hear real people that talk about behaviours I'd seen to validate I wasn't a evil person or crazy and making up situations. Also the site hace a great page for self-help reading in regards to family: https://narcissistapocalypse.com/family-recovery
I hope maybe this helps you find a some gradual recognition in yourself that you are not the solution to other people's crazy (even family) when you feel coerced :hug:
Thanks @Goofycrumble
I agree. I too think being adult and good parent means you do not relish in drama. I have one child and if he has a happy life I will be thrilled for him. I don't expect him to stick around and be co-dependent with me.
And yes, I am fairly certain that I remain in a foggy state of back and forth doubt.
I guess what is so hard, is one the numbers in your family are bigger than you alone, and most people seem to be on side with the abusers - meaning they minimize the situation and tell you, you should too. I am so out numbered it seems. I have had to back away and block so many of my family members to keep my head above water.
That "be there for your family" is such a strong element of society. But not all families are dark and violent as mine has been. My sister also has a religious friend group who supports her point of view - meaning they believe you must be there for your family no matter what. When I was on FB with my sister, and I set a boundary with her about the hospital, a few of those people unfriended me and I knew she had confided in them, painting me as something very unChristian and bad. It seems she sees the glass half full with my parents while I see it another way entirely.
Thank you for the link to the podcast. I think that will be really helpful right now.
Hi Sweetbriar,
I really feel for you - and like everyone else here, I totally support you staying NC under the very difficult circumstances you describe.
It is so hard when FOO and extended family can’t seem to understand or accept why you are NC and keep trying to bombard you using that potent combination of FOG and religion to do their bidding. But I hope that can withstand this onslaught and continue to do what’s best for your little family and your own emotional and physical health, despite the prevailing enmeshed community viewpoints and the extreme pressure they are trying to bring to bear.
I too am in my 50s, married with kids, and live quite near my FOO. My religious and very controlling upd mother is often ‘ill,‘ and has actually had and recovered from cancer. My upd father has enabled yet seethed about my mother for decades and has also been violent in the past, as has my GCupdbro who has often bullied me to try and do our mother’s bidding. My other siblings basically keep playing the family tune, albeit very unhappily. And like yours, my parents also live in a hoarding situation that is dangerous and unhealthy and paramedics would not be able to easily enter in an emergency. Like you I have been a victim of extended family smearing me and FOO scapegoating me. I am also basically NC with my FOO, bar one sister who lives overseas (lucky her). I know nobody can totally identify with another but I have to say, upon reading about your situation, that I felt a strong shiver down my spine in complete solidarity.
I agree with what others have said on this thread. What the nurse said was a major flag, and must have been quite validating really. Hospital staff must be having a time of it with your mother, father and sister! And you are under no obligation to sit in a hospital room, hour after hour. To what end? Your mother is safe and in good care. It’s obviously better for your health - which is not less important than anyone else’s, despite how your FOO is trying to spin it - to keep well away from all this drama. I think you need to do what a reasonable person would do under the circumstances - not what a bunch of unreasonable people are demanding you bow down to - and in your case, the safest thing to do is stay away from those unreasonable people.
There seems to be this rule in toxic families: that one has to be seen to be doing all one can for their parents. But why should your home life and peace of mind be sacrificed for people who never had your interests and wellbeing at heart?
i think it’s best if you stay NC and have some catchphrases/scripts worked out for those flying monkeys who accost you: Eg. ‘Can’t talk now, oops is that the time?, must dash;’ ‘thanks for your concern but this is between my parents and I.’ Also, I don’t answer certain phone numbers and if I was on Facebook (which can be a real PD playground) I’d block your sister and her mates if you haven’t already. In the end though, what can any of these people really do other than say stuff - which it sounds as if they have a major propensity for doing anyway? Their lives don’t sound very interesting.
You’ll never please your FOO and extended family even if you kill yourself trying, so why try at all? I‘m so glad you have a supportive husband and are in therapy. You sound very caring, and your integrity and complete reasonableness shines through in your posts, even though your deeply unreasonable FOO etc continue to try andundermine you.
I know it’s so hard to feel alone and doubting your decisions under this type of pressure. But I think your mind and gut are telling you all the right things despite all the opposition you’re getting from others. You are doing a wonderful job under very difficult circumstances and we support you fully.
@doglady
How can I ever thank you for your kind supportive words? I would never want to wish this on anyone, but finding out that others experience this type of thing, esp. one as similar as yours is to mine, and seeing they have a reasonable interpretation of it and are making healthy choices for themselves is exactly what I need to know right now. Your words are like a light house for me. Thank you again.
My gosh. Do you think there is any correlation between hoarding behavior and PD's?
Quote from: Sweetbriar on February 03, 2020, 05:33:52 PM
@doglady
How can I ever thank you for your kind supportive words? I would never want to wish this on anyone, but finding out that others experience this type of thing, esp. one as similar as yours is to mine, and seeing they have a reasonable interpretation of it and are making healthy choices for themselves is exactly what I need to know right now. Your words are like a light house for me. Thank you again.
My gosh. Do you think there is any correlation between hoarding behavior and PD's?
Knowing that you feel less alone is good enough for me, Sweetbriar. Glad to help in any way. I'm guessing I'm way across a large ocean from you (I'm an Aussie) but I'm there beside you, if that makes sense.
As for my having a 'reasonable interpretation,' I hope and feel that I do - although my FOO and their FMs would have everyone believe I am completely unreasonable in not still wanting to be in their cult. But yes, healthy choices needed to be made, which meant going NC (this is still a work in progress) - even though I have been predictably labelled 'selfish and uncaring' for doing so. But what choice do we have?
I just watched a Jerry Wise video on NC (which Adria helpfully posted on the Media Resources board), which you will probably find very helpful. Jerry likens staying within the FOO toxicity as 'quietly staying in the lion's den hoping you won't get bitten.' :no: Whereas we are out of the den but can still hear the pride roaring. Hopefully their noise will become harder to hear soon.
And as for the connection between hoarding and PD, yes, there definitely is one. It was a criterion under Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (as distinct from OCD itself) and now has its own category (in the latest DSM).
You're doing the right thing, and it will get easier.
Just want to make a comment about PD parents and how they love to quote Ephesians 6 : 3 about honoring your father and mother. Why don't they ever quote the next verse which says for fathers not to irritate their children? And of course we never even acknowledge the verse after that which tells slaves to think of their masters as God.
So the PD's pick and choose whatever suits their purpose. I think one of the things I most resent is how much the PD's in my life have messed up my feelings about religion. When you have had religion used to abuse you, it is very hard to have any healthy faith later on. Whenever I hear some parent using that verse to justify the their expectations that their child keep having to take the abuse they dish out it makes me feel ill.
Please be careful that when you choose to "honor" your parents you aren't allowing them to think that means they can abuse you. I am not saying religion is bad, I'm saying that it is yet another part of our lives that PD's can twist into a weapon.
The people who know you and care about you want you to feel safe. You do not feel safe near your parents. It's time to concentrate on your journey to healing. Everything else has to wait.
Your programming is causing you distress, the program your parents installed in you long ago that says you need to put them before you to be worthy of love. That's not true. It's all a lie.
@doglady @Outsiderchild @_apparentlywicked
Thank you to each of you.
So @doglady, my father grew up on a farm and he later liked to use many analogies to that childhood. He used to look at me growing up, like he was trying to study me, and he said more than once, 'you're like the chicken in the coop that get's pecked by all the other chickens.' After watching Big Little Farm, I understand what that is. Chickens will sometimes kill another chicken in their coop. So in the past year my father reminded me of that saying. He didn't direct at me, but I remember that is how he perceived me. So now, I'm like, .... seriously. I'm the chicken whose getting the hell out of the coop, because you're the chicken who wants to attack me! So what you say about the lion's den is very similar. Why do those of us, who have been deemed scapegoats, want to stay in a pack of predators? Of course we want to get out and find our own!
@Ousiderchild Thank you for the support there. I have a family of very right wing Christians, my sister is one, and my aunt and her family, all of them. Because I did not take to that kind of Christianity I have been also scapegoated. Of course they are very very nice to my face, but I find out later I was not invited to their gatherings. My husband and I are probably the most moral of the bunch though. They are seething with judgement of others, dangerously greedy, and my sister has an opioid addiction she will not admit to, and my aunt and her husband have crashed every car they've owned. They go to Isreal often to push their Christian agenda. They are not at ease until they get every last person saved. They are all either covert or pushy - and cannot accept that other people are as equally loved by God as they are. And yes, they pretty much mobbed me with their expectation of honor thy father and mother, ruining my reputation to the wider community as they made themselves look high and mighty. Yep. It's pretty much ruined religion for me.
@_apparentlywicked I like what you said. I have never thought of it as programming before, but I sense I am constantly trying to re-wire my brain. I think I will begin to incorporate a mantra when I stress out. I have the right to be safe and happy.
BTW: there was a single white rose, rather rumpled with a spray of baby's breath at my door yesterday when I returned from a dog walk. There was no note and the door was slightly ajar. I AM SURE it was my father and it gives me the effing creeps. It's like trying to break up with a dysfunctional boyfriend.
Quote from: Sweetbriar on February 04, 2020, 09:01:42 AMI have a family of very right wing Christians, my sister is one, and my aunt and her family, all of them. Because I did not take to that kind of Christianity I have been also scapegoated. Of course they are very very nice to my face, but I find out later I was not invited to their gatherings. My husband and I are probably the most moral of the bunch though. They are seething with judgement of others, dangerously greedy, and my sister has an opioid addiction she will not admit to, and my aunt and her husband have crashed every car they've owned
Pssst Sweetbriar i have a few passages you can hide under your sleeve
1 John 4:20 Whoever claims to love God
yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen.
Galatians 6:3 If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves
Matthew 6:1 "Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.
James 1:22-23 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves.
Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror
Luke 6:37-42 "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you"
PS I grew up in a very Christian household but crazy people misinterpret their twisted beliefs to suit their own scripts
One of my favourite verses growing up is Matthew 7:15 "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing (A common moniker for Narcissists) but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles?
Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them"
Look at the fruit or actions and results your FOO brings. If it's dysfunction then don't let their twisted rhetoric brainwash and gaslight you. I personally CANNOT STAND religious hypocrites :no:
Didn't get to read all the replies so sorry if this is covered and so sorry you're going through this.
Two things
One. There's a big difference between honor and obey. Honor is making sure elderly parents are being cared for and yours are - they have a medical team and no family *needs* to be involved unless they choose and you simply don't choose - you opt out. It's fine. They have the care they need. The word obey is for children. You aren't a child so obey is a word that doesn apply. You mention the scriptures and the command to honor. The scriptures use the word honor for adult offspring and the word obey for children. Done.
Two. You cannot "repay" prarents for anything and to attempt to do so is rediculous. They chose to have you and it was their obligation to provide adequate sustenance and covering.
Since you raised the scriptures I'll leave you with this thought to ponder. God told the first perfect couple that a married couple leave their father and mother and become one flesh. They had no parents and no children yet. This was set before them as their expectation for their yet unborn offspring as they were told to reproduce, multiply and fill the Earth. As a perfect couple they were to expect their perfect offspring to grow and go off to live life. That's how we are designed.
Have you seen this website?
http://www.luke173ministries.org/
Hi Sweetbriar :)
I'm not particularly religious and I really like the Luke Ministries site. :yes:
I'm SO sorry you're going through this, and think maintaining your NC is the only way to proceed, to keep you sane! 8-)
Your other relatives? Well, if they're so damned concerned, they can take up the slack and do some bloody work for a change, instead of ordering you around!
I'm an only child and lived about 3 miles from unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray - but they lived 3 hours from their FOO's, for reasons that became obvious as their parents aged. That 3-hour drive might as well have been Mars. :roll: It was simply too far for them to do anything other than throw money at the problem and/or criticize hands-on caregivers for not knowing what they were doing. :doh:
Yeah, it's all well and good to armchair quarterback my poor aunt from a distance of 150 miles away, criticizing every single thing she did - or didn't do - or didn't do well enough for Didi's liking - then moan that she just *wished* she could go and help. :dramaqueen:
Didi actually got very dramatic on the phone with me, and even though it was decades before I'd come Out of the FOG, I knew she was full of it and offered to drive her so she could give my aunt a break. :evil2:
Suddenly! There were REASONS! Lots and lots of reasons why she couldn't go - and not a one made sense. She even turned herself into a victim and said I was trying to FORCE her, when I'd merely said, "If you pack your bag, I can have us there by dinner time." :blink:
The ever-awesome Spring Butterfly brings up an excellent point about honor being your relatives are being cared for - that is spot-on TRUTH. :yes:
They are getting the proper care that they NEED. Medical professionals are involved. There is nothing anybody else needs to do. :)
What can trip us up is when our parents insist they don't want those (dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuun!) STRANGERS caring for them and stealing all their precious STUFF. WE must take up the slack and do the work of an entire team - and we're the only ones they will allow in the house. They don't need THAT much help and there isn't THAT much wrong with them - and you know that's all a bald-faced LIE. :stars:
I think maintaining your NC is the smartest, safest, sanest option you have - leave your parents to the professionals, and feel free to block any FMM after telling them, "Well, if you're that damned concerned, why don't YOU go do something about it?" :ninja:
Then listen to them sputter buts like a motor boat. :roll:
I wasn't NC when unBPD Didi started having regular caaaaaaaaaaaaancer scares, hoping to motivate me to be her caregiver and move her into our house, where I could wait on her hand and foot before returning her to her hoard on a daily basis, before bringing her back here to drive us crazy, all over again - no matter what she said, did or what she tried to pull, I stayed out of it, stayed here and didn't visit her at her home or the hospital. :ninja:
I knew what Didi was doing - she thought that since they adopted me as a baby, I owed her the same treatment you give a baby! :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh:
She finally DID get cancer, for real - after being told she had emphysema but no cancer, BUT she'd quit smoking only to start vaping 9 packs of cigs a day and was dead within 6 months - and wound up in Hospice for a day before mercifully popping off. She did NOT get her final digs in at what a horrible daughter I am, and I've never felt a moment of sorrow at her passing - only relief that the reign of terror is over. :yahoo:
Ray wanted her hoard gone, so I made it go - but then he thought he was owed a personal slave, so I went VVVVVVVVVVVVVVLC instead - to prove what everybody on earth including me already knew: Ray belonged in AL.
The only person who didn't know it was Ray, and he was adamant "they" weren't taking his house or his stuff (yes, he wanted Didi's stuff gone for his own hoard!). :aaauuugh:
I stayed out if it, did 4 rounds with Social Workers who tried to "motivate" me to be his caregiver (using FOG as a weapon), and I told them we'd all just have to wait until he fell - it was a given, with his balance issues and refusal to use a cane - and we could get him into a safe situation.
Frankly, I thought they'd find him dead at the bottom of the basement stairs, but he only orchestrated a fall in the bathroom - with his Life Alert right by his hand - in a *really* poorly-thought-out plan to get me over there to do, as he later said when reaming me out, "YOUR JOB!" :blink:
But...his plan was SO half-assed he got himself declared incompetent and was place in a memory care unit, where he still lives and breathes and terrorizes the other residents and staff. I'm NC. :thumbup:
I've been free of Didi just over 6 years and free of Ray for just shy of 4 - and I've never felt a moment of regret for staying out of their problems and letting others see to them, to give them the care they NEEDED, instead of what they thought I owed them. :yes:
Stay the course - and stay out of it. If your mother really does have cancer, doctors will coordinate all her care and help her determine the best plan of action - she will NOT need your help, nor should she expect it, and your father and sister also will NOT need any help or input from you, if they choose to be involved in your mom's care.
The person you need to think of is yourself - there's only one of you and you owe it to yourself to give yourself the best care you can manage mentally, emotionally, and physically. :yes:
You've GOT this! :cheer: :cheer:
:hug:
Spring Butterfly thank you for the Luke Ministries site I didn't know about this! :thumbup:
Thank you for all the information and scriptures. Gives me much to think on, as my experience of religion so far has been from very controlling people in my life, some who very well have a PD.
I also thank you for the encouragement to trust myself. That was one of my "new years resolutions" this year. I have to trust the feeling that I have in telling me to keep myself safe and at a distance. The gaslighting and dysfunctional group dynamic really does a number on me at times and I suppose that is what disordered people do. They want to keep us doubting ourselves.
I look forward with hope for a day where I am out from under the pressure.
I have one worry though, that i will regret backing away from parents and sister. People always say, if you don't resolve your issues before a person passes, you can regret it. Regret is something that I am quite fearful of.
Does anyone have any thoughts on that?
Hi Sweetbriar,
Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time with your parents.
I'm currently experiencing my father dying of cancer. I live in the same street as my parents so there is little escape. I didn't see my father's narcissistic tendencies until he became ill, he was always an absent parent more interested in alcohol than his family. I'm an only child and my mother is codependent and still denies my father was an alcoholic.
My father was given a year to live last August and all of a sudden I seen their toxic dysfunctional relationship for what it was and how it had affected me. My mother is extremely controlling and my father is refusing to take any responsibility for his illness which is now progressing quickly.
I do what I can with shopping, medication etc but I am finding it extremely draining, as I see them everyday. I would prefer if my father went into a nursing home but my mother won't consider the idea, because she's lose control. Truthfully if I thought I could escape the guilt, I run a mile and keep running. I have empathy fatigue and they drain the life out of me, even the briefest contact.
You need to do what you believe is best for you, luckily you don't live too close. It really is important to value your own health and happiness. I'm supporting my parents the best I can but emotionally I have detached myself. I have a lot of conflicting thoughts and I know my childhood conditioning still dictates a lot of my personal choices. Wishing you strength on your journey x
Quote from: Sweetbriar on February 05, 2020, 11:48:16 AM
Thank you for all the information and scriptures. Gives me much to think on, as my experience of religion so far has been from very controlling people in my life, some who very well have a PD.
I also thank you for the encouragement to trust myself. That was one of my "new years resolutions" this year. I have to trust the feeling that I have in telling me to keep myself safe and at a distance. The gaslighting and dysfunctional group dynamic really does a number on me at times and I suppose that is what disordered people do. They want to keep us doubting ourselves.
I look forward with hope for a day where I am out from under the pressure.
I have one worry though, that i will regret backing away from parents and sister. People always say, if you don't resolve your issues before a person passes, you can regret it. Regret is something that I am quite fearful of.
Does anyone have any thoughts on that?
Quote from: Sweetbriar on February 05, 2020, 11:48:16 AM
People always say, if you don't resolve your issues before a person passes, you can regret it. Regret is something that I am quite fearful of.
Does anyone have any thoughts on that?
Maybe not all things can be resolved.
Maybe you would like to attempt resolution, but the other party won't let that happen no matter what you say or do.
Somethings in life just are not going to happen, and it doesn't mean you are a bad person, or uncaring. Sometimes its not possible because the other party is making it that way.
M.
Maybe not all things can be resolved.
Maybe you would like to attempt resolution, but the other party won't let that happen no matter what you say or do.
Somethings in life just are not going to happen, and it doesn't mean you are a bad person, or uncaring. Sometimes its not possible because the other party is making it that way.
I know. I hear you. So much of life and relationships is about dealing with disagreements in healthy ways. But then you have personality disorders. And it's not just the individual with the PD, it's people around them who've been groomed into their narrative.
This is where you need a new perspective. A new realisation that you don't need other people to give you resolution. You give yourself resolution. You accept your reality of a situation and you don't need other people's validation.
There will never be a resolution that relies on the cooperation of others. Your resolution comes from the confidence in your judgement.
My toxic parent is unable to give me any closure or healing. I'm deciding what I think and feel and how I'm framing it. I decide when it's resolved in my mind and it's happening away from him and with no help from him.
That's the only route out of the madness and to reclaiming your wholeness. It may be that as I resolve the abuse I decide to let him go forever. But that would merely be an outworking of the work I'm doing on myself and does not rely on him to say or do anything.
Love and peace
🦋