Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships => Topic started by: Associate of Daniel on February 14, 2020, 05:20:26 PM

Title: Fair enough, but...
Post by: Associate of Daniel on February 14, 2020, 05:20:26 PM
So, ds13 and I came to an arrangement that instead of me texting his uNPD dad and uNPD smum when I arrive to pick him up each pickup time, as we've been doing for years, that ds would just meet me outside the building at the appointed time.

It's worked well for a couple of weeks. Ds has enjoyed the independence and the chance to show he's responsible.

Yesterday though, I made the mistake of sending ds a text to say I might be late (the roads were awash with flash flooding, accidents, traffic lights not working etc.). My mistake was that I didn't text his uNPD dad as well.

I received the usual vitriolic email from uNPD exH. (You know the drill. Instead of a pleasant, "Hey, could you please keep me in the loop with this type of text?" I get, "Once again you've proved that you're a hypocritical, terrible person who's not willing to be a co operative coparent, by not including me. It's been your standard m.o. for 6 years etc. etc.")

I agree that perhaps I should have "discussed" with uNPD exH the idea of giving ds this small amount of independence and responsibility, before enacting the arrangement.

But in true pd fashion he would have said no.  And in true pd fashion, no proper discussion would have taken place.

So now we're back to the usual arrangement and ds doesn't get to have this tiny amount of feeling grown up and responsible/independent.

It's ironic that they give him so much freedom when he's with them (wandering down the street to get his hair cut or pick up the dinner, or kick a ball at the park, or being at home on his own) but I'm not allowed to give him this one little thing.

I could try to fight it but I don't want the drama. And ds13 is old enough to fight this small battle on his own.

The trouble is that he won't. I guess he doesn't want the drama either. We have another similar small issue over something else and ds hasn't brouggt it up with his uNPD dad or uNPD smum.

So, what should I reply to uNPD exH?  Or do I need to reply at all?  Should I just do what he demands without saying anything?

Title: Re: Fair enough, but...
Post by: Rose1 on February 15, 2020, 04:01:48 AM
Imo just go quietly back to ds wait outside in a couple of weeks. Bet they don't notice. Dont reply to those type of emails/texts. Dont reply to rude rants
Title: Re: Fair enough, but...
Post by: Stepping lightly on February 17, 2020, 02:19:39 PM
Wow, talk about histrionic!  One small annoyance to them and you get the lashing of the year.  Don't respond, they didn't earn it.

It is  just amazing at how little it takes for a PD to lose their cool.  We went to a sports game for DSS yesterday, BM puts the time on the shared calendar.  We were there on time, but she had the time wrong.  No big whoop, they let DSS play on another team 30 minutes later (it's just a relaxed rec. league). But I told DH, lucky for her we aren't PD, she would have lost her mind if we had done that.  Accusations of crazy making, irresponsbility etc. etc., but we just rolled with it...because these things actually happen in real life.
Title: Re: Fair enough, but...
Post by: Associate of Daniel on February 17, 2020, 04:44:01 PM
Thanks for your replies.

To be honest, my main aim with this arrangement was 1: for me not to have to communicate with the pds and 2:   to have ds13 come to meet me by himself.  Usually the pds come with him and my nerves have a field day.

Ds's independence is a very positive side effect of our decision.

It's interesting that when uNPD exH is with ds on his own, ex doesn't come down. But when the uNPD smum is there she comes down, and usually with uNPD exH.

She just can't stand not having the attention. He can't stand being anywhere near me.

Since my main (selfish?) aim is to not have contact with the pds I think at this stage I'll go back to texting them when I arrive. Hopefully they'll still let ds come downstairs by himself.

Title: Re: Fair enough, but...
Post by: Whiteheron on February 17, 2020, 09:12:35 PM
AOD - not wanting to have contact with toxic people is *not* selfish.
Title: Re: Fair enough, but...
Post by: Stepping lightly on February 18, 2020, 10:47:09 AM
Hi AoD,

You are not selfish, you are making age appropriate and healthy decisions for your son.  If you were putting him in danger, it would be a different answer.  Not communicating with the PDs is better for both you and DS.

Keep it up- you are rocking the whole awesome Mom thing!  You have great instincts and from what you have posted here, it appears you are an incredibly kind and thoughtful person.
Title: Re: Fair enough, but...
Post by: Free2Bme on February 19, 2020, 12:05:14 AM
AoD.....Avoiding sticking your hand in a cage with 2 venomous snakes is protective and intelligent, not selfish !    :bigwink:
Title: Re: Fair enough, but...
Post by: athene1399 on February 19, 2020, 09:25:28 AM
If it's not going to be a productive conversation, there's no point in responding IMO.

I don't see why you can't have a conversation with DS about it though. Like: uNPD dad didn't like how I texted you that I was running late the other day, so I am going to text them when I arrive for the time being. This is not your fault and you did nothing wrong. I am hoping we can try having me not text them later on when the weather's better (or whatever).