Do you ever notice the PD in your life asking you for assistance in a way that indicates you require the eggshell treatment? As in, "If it's not too much trouble, would you mind to...? I'd really appreciate it." Said in a way that indicates you might blow up any second. This, for a task/favor that is basic, or you routinely do anyway. Today, I happened to stare back blankly for several seconds about such a request, because it was early, and is something I already do nearly every day anyway. I finally managed to reply that yes, that's what I normally do. I was then criticized for "The look" I had, and seeming angry about his simple request.
I find since I've gone GR/MC, this is the typical way he asks me to do something for him. Formerly, there would have been much more criticizing and guilt about why I needed to do said thing. I feel like this is a subtle form of chaos manufacture—to try and make me feel like I was being difficult, when he was just asking nicely for something. Also, projection, since I've stopped asking for assistance from him for anything that can be avoided. The drama is just too much.
I've really been feeling the weight of dealing with all of this lately. I sometimes think I'm being overly sensitive. These subtle things seem so minor, but they all add up to being exhausting. Maybe it's just a bad day, and maybe this should be in "working on us!" Thanks, all.
Sounds manipulative to me, hoping to get a rise out of you and then blame you for being "moody," "oversensitive," whatever.
They'll hammer on any triggers they find. My H plays defense and not offense, but when things blow up and I'm playing it cool, I've noticed he found a button he can press: he'll say something absolutely absurd, just bonkers crazy, like blaming me for something that would be bizarre to blame me for. I used to take the bait but now I just ignore it.
The way I can ignore it is by seeing it for what it is and not taking it remotely seriously. I realized that not even he really believes what he is saying, so why should I be upset? It's just a game and I don't have to play childish games.
So you might consider not worrying about what a monster you are, after you've done a basic sanity check (which you have). Next time he minces and lrances around you, be ready for your beautiful MC answer: "sure, no problem," said clearly but without really giving him much attention. He knows you always do it. He knows he is just playing a game.
When this happens I would try to look inside me what feeling I have. The way you describe it, you might feel irritated and wrong footed because of the subtle underlying message you perceive. It might confuse you because it is contradictory to how you see yourself. The feedback you are getting is that you are being difficult and the intent might be to get an emotional reaction from you.
I agree with Numblotus, the safe response would be 'Yes sure' and to ignore the second and maybe even third meaning.
Quote from: NumbLotus on February 18, 2020, 02:26:29 PM
Sounds manipulative to me, hoping to get a rise out of you and then blame you for being "moody," "oversensitive," whatever.
Yes this. My ex used to do this to me all the time. Like I was this fragile thing that needed to be handled with kid gloves or she'd go crazy.
It's so manipulative and totally intended to get you to doubt yourself
Yes. I get the "if it's not too much trouble, can you help me with ______. No hurry. Just when you can...."
This boils my blood because for 20+ years he demanded, or better yet, insisted I should just KNOW when he needed help and if I didn't drop everything, including tending to young children, I was selfish and arrogant.
He can be so gentle and considerate now - now that I couldn't literally care less.
Quote from: 20yrsofcrazy on February 18, 2020, 10:40:40 PM
This boils my blood because for 20+ years he demanded, or better yet, insisted I should just KNOW when he needed help and if I didn't drop everything, including tending to young children, I was selfish and arrogant.
He can be so gentle and considerate now - now that I couldn't literally care less.
Same. This actually reminded me of something that happened many years ago, right after we were married. I was helping him on a weekend project. He told me to get a tool for him. When I came back, he told me when he’s working and I’m getting something for him, I should always run. I remember calling him on it, and making a joke of it. In reality, he was serious. He would have been furious at my joke, but there were others present.
That is quite a long way away from the passive aggressive method he uses now.
Thanks, all. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed the last few days. You always help me keep perspective.
(Same. This actually reminded me of something that happened many years ago, right after we were married. I was helping him on a weekend project. He told me to get a tool for him. When I came back, he told me when he's working and I'm getting something for him, I should always run. I remember calling him on it, and making a joke of it. In reality, he was serious. He would have been furious at my joke, but there were others present. )
I copied and pasted- don't know how else to quote.
Stillirise,
Were we married to the same man????
Mine did/does this, too. We (kids and i) should run, literally, if he needs a tool or supplies to continue a project.
I used to chalk that up to him having worked with a very demanding boss in the construction business for many years but now I think it's more PD related.
He would also say things like, "what kind of crap is this? I know I didn't do it like this." Or any version of that if we had tried to help or fix something on our own. It really dented my self-esteem for years, but now that he's somewhat crippled by injuries over the years, I fix things a lot -- my way. He doesn't @#$% all over them like he used to, but his voice is still in my head. I try to drown it out with my own, which sounds like this: "I don't need no stinkin' man!! I can do whatever I want/need." Fortunately, I have done many projects over the years... some with my dad (who is much kinder and patient) so I CAN do most anything I need to. YOU CAN TOO!!!
Quote from: StillriseI've really been feeling the weight of dealing with all of this lately. I sometimes think I'm being overly sensitive. These subtle things seem so minor, but they all add up to being exhausting. Maybe it's just a bad day, and maybe this should be in "working on us!" Thanks, all.
This sounds like it could be gaslighting to me. Covertly creating an atmosphere of chaos and confusion around your perception of yourself with a calm, deceptively accommodating demeanor. :no: You are questioning your reality. I don't think it is minor and it is exhausting and creates a great deal of angst and it all adds up to ambient abuse and a potential power play - a new strategy since the old ones are not working any longer when you are MC and GR.
If you know what is being portrayed is at the least condescending believe yourself and your perceptions and continuing using your GR and MC awesome skills!
uPD M does this to me, but her underlying tone is that she doesn't expect me to do it becasue I am lazy (i don't know how else to describe the tone). Usually she said it more like "can you possibly...." but with that tone. And if I didn't drop what I am doing to do whatever, she's the one that would throw the fit. If I ever heard "If it's not too much too ask.." I think I would assume she already knew that it was and was setting me up for failure.
sis does this as well, but more asks for favors and gets mad if I can't do them. And if she argues with me over the favor and I get upset because she won't drop it, she blames everything on me, saying I am moody.
Yes, I have experienced that from my PDh at times. It really flabbergasted me the first time he hinted or joked that I was the one that is so difficult to get along with.
My mother does this kind of gaslighting/manipulation very often :-\
If she is visiting and has to get something simple from the kitchen (e.g. a cup), she will give me this dazed and confused look and ask "a cup?". As if its the most complicated procedure I asked her to do. Then she will roam around in the kitchen opening ALL cupboards EXCEPT the one where she knows the cups are. There will be heavy sighing and noises. Then after 5 minutes she will return, claiming that she simply could not find a cup because my kitchen is just so confusing and complicated for her. Then I tell her the cups are on a shelf above the sink, very visible. But then she will say she does not want to get the cup anymore because apparently "she can never do anything right" and my "demands on her a too high". And if she doesn't get the right cup, I will probably "blow up and yell at her".
As if I am this mean create who treats her like a slave and yell at her all the time because I am so demanding. Need I say that this is EXACTLY they way she would behave if the situation was reversed??
I think it's projection as well as distraction, and yes maybe some chaos manufacture. Years ago, when I confronted uNPDh and told him I was sick of the kids and I walking on eggshells to prevent his rages, he immediately yelled "Oh yeah, we all have to do the same thing with you!" Meaning, for instance, if I asked him a simple question or did some innocuous act, and then he blew up at me, and I then got upset and told him not to treat me like that,...in his mind that was HIM having to walk on eggshells around ME, or I'd blow up at him. (Major projection and deflection on his part right there!)
Quote from: SeaBreeze on February 20, 2020, 08:02:59 AM
...in his mind that was HIM having to walk on eggshells around ME, or I'd blow up at him. (Major projection and deflection on his part right there!)
I can very much relate. I learned a long time ago never to throw a term like eggshells, narcissist, disordered, hypocritical, gaslighting, stonewalling, contemptuous, etc., out there, as it would automatically be what he saw wrong with me. I once, during a circular conversation, said he was cold and insensitive. That became his favorite way to describe what my problem was for a long time. Now, I really try not to give him ammo to take me down with. I don't always succeed, but I'm working on it.
When my ex didn’t do things like clean up or get groceries like he said he would (while he was home and I was at work all day) he’d say “I didn’t want to do the wrong thing and make you angry”. It’s infuriating to type that. That was him not bothering and then making it out to be my fault. And I used to feel bad for him and think “well I do get angry”. My therapist eventually explained that my anger at these things was perfectly valid and expected. It was so crazy-making.
QuoteDo you ever notice the PD in your life asking you for assistance in a way that indicates you require the eggshell treatment? As in, "If it's not too much trouble, would you mind to...? I'd really appreciate it." Said in a way that indicates you might blow up any second. This, for a task/favor that is basic, or you routinely do anyway. Today, I happened to stare back blankly for several seconds about such a request, because it was early, and is something I already do nearly every day anyway. I finally managed to reply that yes, that's what I normally do. I was then criticized for "The look" I had, and seeming angry about his simple request.
Yes!!
QuoteI feel like this is a subtle form of chaos manufacture—to try and make me feel like I was being difficult, when he was just asking nicely for something.
Yes!!
Quoteif I asked him a simple question or did some innocuous act, and then he blew up at me, and I then got upset and told him not to treat me like that,...in his mind that was HIM having to walk on eggshells around ME, or I'd blow up at him.
Yes!!
QuoteI learned a long time ago never to throw a term like eggshells, narcissist, disordered, hypocritical, gaslighting, stonewalling, contemptuous, etc., out there, as it would automatically be what he saw wrong with me. I once, during a circular conversation, said he was cold and insensitive. That became his favorite way to describe what my problem was for a long time.
Yes!!
Quotehe'd say "I didn't want to do the wrong thing and make you angry".
Yes!!
Quotethen she will say she does not want to get the cup anymore because apparently "she can never do anything right" and my "demands on her a too high". And if she doesn't get the right cup, I will probably "blow up and yell at her".
As if I am this mean create who treats her like a slave and yell at her all the time because I am so demanding. Need I say that this is EXACTLY they way she would behave if the situation was reversed??
Yes!!
I'm sorry others also live like this. Thank goodness for therapy and Medium Chill!!
He's started trying to sell this odd characterization to my kids, family and friends with statements like;
"I didn't / don't want to get s**t from BC / your mother / your daughter."
"Don't do that or we will catch h**l from your mom."
"You know how your mom / BC freaks out about s**t like that!"
It sure raises eyebrows.
Related, kind of: My ex-husband seemed to think that if I did anything other than show him 100% support all the time for everything he did and didn't do, I was being mean. He acted as though he had to walk on eggshells around me because me having any kind of negative reaction to anything (e.g., his long-term unemployment) was too much for him to bear.
Oh my yes to all.
Towards the end, stbx would scream at me "I'm not about to walk on eggshells around you!!!" when I was holding him accountable for his bad behavior. I wasn't aware that asking to be treated with respect was too much.
And even with MC, it doesn't stop. It just gets less out of hand. Classic example from this morning...I try not to do anything "out of the ordinary" before he leaves for work. However, today I got up early, to finish up something in my office. He came in, stood over me, and began the 20 questions, of which only about 12 were related to what I was doing. The others were random. When I seemed distracted, and not really answering—because, working, and none of his business—he got bent around the axle. He threw some verbal vomit at me, that wasn't even memorable, because it's typically the same, and finally left. While there was no direct confrontation, it still left me feeling anxious and flustered afterward. That's the part I still have to work on most. The aftermath.
I remember literally being told in the early stages of our marriage that exPDw and her family "felt like they had to walk on eggshells around me". I was so shocked by it at the time, and took it as a legitimate statement. I felt bad about it but was confused, because I have never been the type of person to blow up at people. Of course it worked, and I tried to be nicer to everyone after that, and probably got walked on even more. That was long before I knew anything about PDs and projection. I look back now and laugh about it, man what a sucker I was to fall for that! :doh:
Poison Ivy yes with the "mean"!!! That self same thing!!!
All of you!!! I get all that same shizz!!! Favorite statement is "I could say the same about you" any time I try to hold accountable. And whizzing it all back at me. BARRRFFFF
:yeahthat:
I couldn't point how I felt of any of his behaviors, because he'd flip it around on me and tell me he was the one feeling ___ or I was the one treating him poorly/didn't respect him/value his opinion...I could go on and on.
It felt like I was dealing with a toddler at the time, but now looking back, I can see it was clearly some kind of defense mechanism. The quicker he could turn it back on me, the better - then he could tell himself I was the bad guy and he was ok. Everything was ok as long as he was the good guy and I was the bad guy. Severe ego defense?
:yeahthat:
I call it Hot Potato when he does that. I have a visual of him catching and deflecting it ASAP. It helps me stay emotionally removed from the drama.
Lol I call it Kindergarten. You remember "I know you are, but what am i?" And the one about I'm rubber you're glue, bounces off me & sticks to you?
That is EXACTLY what those behaviors and phrases remind me of!!!
StillIrise LOL!!!!
The "hot potato" game is VERY popular my house!! Lol.
I also feel a strong, nearly physical response reading you Whiteheron
QuoteThe quicker he could turn it back on me, the better - then he could tell himself I was the bad guy and he was ok. Everything was ok as long as he was the good guy and I was the bad guy.
It seems so much of my PDs energy in any given moment goes to preserving his "good guy" self image of infallibility, rightness, goodness and moral superiority. And a lot of energy after the fact goes into "image management". So when he complains to others about me, he can describe his actions from the moral high ground as the nice guy being taken advantage of.
At my house, it's all part and parcel of the same game as the eggshells. The bottom line is the PD is the good and accommodating and helpless victim and can't be held accountable and doesn't take any responsibility or blame. It's all on somebody else.
H does the same thing, with expecting anyone helping him to retrieve tools for him in less than 5 seconds. The problem is that he leaves his tools all over. I find them on dirt floor in the garage, or usually not at all. This is his fault, yet I get the impatient yelling when I can't find things quickly. Or, God forbid, I am not clear in my understanding of which tool he wants, and I bring him the wrong tool :mad: :blowup:. The first time I used a strong boundary, he was going to help me with a project, and he just kept escalating, until I just said "nope. not doing this." and packed up everything we had taken out, and went in the house. Didn't say much, just left.. So, now last time he started yelling at me because I brought him the wrong tool, I yelled over him "I'm going to just go in the house if you're going to act like a dick" He stopped, and acted better. He still had to explain to me how he just told me what the tool was, and how could I not have remembered? But, in his nice voice. But, hey, it stopped the yelling and probable escalation.
But anyway, sweet talking everybody, doing things so nicely, he's just a saint. All the while insinuating that he's almost scared of me to them, that I yell and complain. You know, act like him.
Quote from: Honey_B on February 20, 2020, 07:36:48 AM
If she is visiting and has to get something simple from the kitchen (e.g. a cup), she will give me this dazed and confused look and ask "a cup?". As if its the most complicated procedure I asked her to do. Then she will roam around in the kitchen opening ALL cupboards EXCEPT the one where she knows the cups are. There will be heavy sighing and noises. Then after 5 minutes she will return, claiming that she simply could not find a cup because my kitchen is just so confusing and complicated for her. Then I tell her the cups are on a shelf above the sink, very visible. But then she will say she does not want to get the cup anymore because apparently "she can never do anything right" and my "demands on her a too high". And if she doesn't get the right cup, I will probably "blow up and yell at her".
HoneyB, this is my MIL exactly!! The only difference is that she doesn't vocalize anything. Instead, I would get up to get the cup for her. She would jump and stammer and apologize for bothering me. Even though I'm not remotely angry.
Of course, DH, is right there, defending and protecting Mom. Telling me. "If you had told me that where the cups were, I would have been looking under the couch in the living room too." :stars:
Or if I say anything about it to him later, it's "You're always so hard on my mom. It's no wonder she nervous and confused when she's here."
Personally, I would be so ashamed to have people think I'm not capable of something as simple as looking on the shelf for a cup. But it doesn't seem to bother them.
QuotePersonally, I would be so ashamed to have people think I'm not capable of something as simple as looking on the shelf for a cup. But it doesn't seem to bother them.
Thats why they only have this behavior in the company of people who are part of their drama ;)
If they don't have the prospect of attention, they can find a cup in 2 seconds
Quote from: Honey_B on February 22, 2020, 01:01:30 PM
Thats why they only have this behavior in the company of people who are part of their drama ;)
If they don't have the prospect of attention, they can find a cup in 2 seconds
UBPDh definitely only behaves this way with me. Additionally, he's constantly accusing me of making him look stupid when I talk to my friends.
UBPDMIL, has no qualms about "confusion" any time with anybody.
Maybe that's a distinction in levels of PD.
Or maybe it's a societal thing: "damsel in distress" is ok, but there's no male equivalent.
First time I've shared here but had to. Today my husband very kindly and gently asked me if I would be capable of walking up our driveway to get to the front door. I've always accomplished such a Herculean task on my own in the past...
Sorry for hijacking but I just so related.
Quote from: Bowsy26 on March 09, 2020, 01:22:30 AM
First time I've shared here but had to. Today my husband very kindly and gently asked me if I would be capable of walking up our driveway to get to the front door. I've always accomplished such a Herculean task on my own in the past...
Sorry for hijacking but I just so related.
Do you mean you hadn't previously been carried like a queen in your chair to the front door, and he needed you to walk just this one time?! ;)
No worries, we can all relate to the stories shared here. For me, at least, it helps me see things as they really are, and to know I'm not the only person experiencing them.
Maybe one of the stories in his head where he is the hero??? He did give me a tiara for Christmas. Guess I'll wear it next we I go for a walk with him, lol.
Quote from: losingmyself on February 21, 2020, 05:23:31 PM
But, hey, it stopped the yelling and probable escalation.
Do you have it come back at you later over something else? It seems there crazy just keeps on going when the "hot potato" is left to fall on the ground.
I've gone Gray Rock and am trying to ignore dxdnpdH's comments and expectations but he is pushing buttons harder and more frantically. It seems they can never stop.
There's a lot of blowback initially when you start Medium Chill or Grey rock. Expect escalation and testing boundaries. When they don't get the reaction they were looking for, or supply that they wanted... it really throws them for a loop when you don't react like usual. You just have to hold your boundaries and refuse to engage until they get bored or get used to it.
I find my husband isn't willing to push against my MC too far over small things because then he looks like the crazy one. Sometimes the escalation does get scary over more serious issues and I have to break MC just to keep things safe. For me it's about picking the right battles.
And, yes, I also find he will take it out on me in other areas when he is displeased at not getting his way. Sarcastic comments, sabotaging things around the house so he can blame me, lots of passive agressive stuff like eating my lunch for work next day while I am sleeping.... lol. I can't wait to leave. The blessing about the dumb things he does in retaliation is that I know for sure the problem isn't me. I don't question my own sanity because I'm not involved in an interaction.
~BC
:yeahthat:
I agree that MC/gray rock have definitely helped me hone in on the fact that most of the time, it really isn't me.
We had an episode last week, where uPDh came home and dropped a bomb on our evening. The kids and I were getting along with our evening just fine, other than a couple ripples about chores and homework. He started flying off about one thing and another to the kids, also, why did I make that decision?!... He literally ended up in a rant about my lack of judgement and parenting, without me engaging at all.
I asked once for him to stop his behavior. He persisted. Then I calmly told the kids to get in the car, we're going for a drive, while his rant continued at us until we drove away. The kids and I had a good discussion about appropriate behaviors and expressions of frustration. We came back awhile later, and he had sequestered himself downstairs again. IT WASN'T ME.
Since that night, he has been tip-toeing around me again, like it was me who drove that crazy train. I suppose I may have just answered my original post. And...IT WASN'T ME. 8-)
Congrats, Stillrise, on a successful use of disengagement. :applause:
Quote from: Bowsy26 on March 09, 2020, 01:22:30 AM
First time I've shared here but had to. Today my husband very kindly and gently asked me if I would be capable of walking up our driveway to get to the front door.
Do you ever wonder what the response would have been if you'd said, "No, I don't think I can make it"? I often wonder when I get asked these ridiculous things. Really, how far did he think this through?
My uBPDh walked up to me the other day and in a placating a rabid lion kind of voice asked, "why are we cleaning the kitchen counters?" "um, because things spilled when I was making dinner?" I didn't engage but previous experience tells me he's decided I'm going "flip out" about Covid 19. Of course that means he has to soothe me when nothing is wrong.
Quote from: Lauren17 on March 12, 2020, 11:12:24 PM
Quote from: Bowsy26 on March 09, 2020, 01:22:30 AM
First time I've shared here but had to. Today my husband very kindly and gently asked me if I would be capable of walking up our driveway to get to the front door.
Do you ever wonder what the response would have been if you'd said, "No, I don't think I can make it"? I often wonder when I get asked these ridiculous things. Really, how far did he think this through?
My uBPDh walked up to me the other day and in a placating a rabid lion kind of voice asked, "why are we cleaning the kitchen counters?" "um, because things spilled when I was making dinner?" I didn't engage but previous experience tells me he's decided I'm going "flip out" about Covid 19. Of course that means he has to soothe me when nothing is wrong.
LOL. I kinda wish I had said that now. What was he going to do??? Maybe get the car out and pick me up at the sidewalk and drive me into the garage??? :stars:
I'm just trying to learn about all of this and keep getting Eureka moments. I'm wondering if my dxnpdh has been gaslighting me in an attempt to get me worked up about things. Once, several years back, he came home telling me we needed to get "survivor" supplies laid in. This wasn't an important expense to me and I pretty much ignored the suggestion. But he kept on bringing it back up at odd times and was very gentle about it (not pushy and demanding). "Oh my, what if 'something' (fill that in with whatever you want) happens and we run out of food." "What if our water supply is contaminated by someone??" (We have well water). This went on until he drew me into planning a schedule of buying storable dry goods on a paycheck to paycheck basis. I quickly noticed that he didn't mention this anymore and certainly wasn't engaged in it any longer. When trying to figure him out, I pictured he was either telling his coworkers that his crazy wife thinks the world is ending and buying up the store OR that HE is busy buying stuff to stave off starvation during a crisis (assuming his work friends were into end of the world stuff). Either way, he would get attention - either sympathy or admiration.
My point about gaslighting is that I don't think he cared one way or another the idea of a societal crisis. I think he was just trying to manipulate me into doing the work so that he could get attention for it from other people. He probably didn't even want this plan carried out - he just wanted me to make a plan so he could use it for his own. Kind of ironic with the current situation with Covid 19. and no, I never did lay in those survivor supplies. I learned to ignore him and this type of manipulation. Wish I had learned a lot more a lot sooner. :doh:
I get spoken to this every few days by my STBXH, it's confusing as he's usually been insufferable the day before, etc.
I'm fairly certain that this temporary niceness is the 'fawn' part of his dominant / secondary, fight / fawn trauma response. (Pete Walker's model of C-PTSD).
In the case of my STBXH, I think it's likely that he sees me as a proxy from his abusive NPD/HPD mother, & treats me accordingly - either for actual wrongs or those he's just perceived to occur.
In doing this, he also casts himself in a 'child' role, meaning that he can never be blamed / be responsible for anything bad or wrong.
He also gets to 'win' against his 'mother' (me as proxy) every time, because he's now an adult & can say / do what the hell he likes without fear of reprisal.
What he's doing is replaying childhood trauma time & again in an effort to right the wrongs of the past.....but the problem is that he never moves past it, & in the meantime it's made me very, very unwell. And of course he can't even begin to see it that way.
I know this one all too well!! uNPD IL's would take this approach with me. My partner and I ended up having to lodge with my partner's parents for 2 years because we needed to gain financial stability again.
One time I asked the narcissistic mother-inlaw why she treated me like casper the friendly ghost most of the time, to which she responded "I just don't know how to act around you, sometimes I feel as though I'm walking on eggshells" .......Needless to say that (in my head) I was furious at the absurdity. I knew neither one of my partner's parents cared to cultivate a healthy inlaw relationship with me, and they used the persona of being sensitive and endearing towards the anxiety i had (years before) expressed, to cover up the fact that they would rather not talk to me. But to others they made it seem like they were being thoughtful of my nervousness. My partner's narc mother would play this victim eggshell game VERY WELL. She has mastered this role. Yet... when i would gently express my hurts to her, she would quickly state that she didn't know what to say and needed time to think. And then would never come to me again, unless I asked if she was ready to talk more. Infact, she'd go on with her day singing and laughing and joking all around the house. Especially at 6am in the morning, right underneath the room we slept in. She was very spiteful. Both in-laws used to stand out of eye sight at the door way of the bedroom we were staying in, just so they couldn't see me, and talk with my partner about things that would involve me, acting as though my partner spoke for me. Everything they told people about how they felt about me was always indirect approval, or compliments when outsiders were around, nothing ever directly spoken to me. For the first 6 months, both my partner's parents only said goodmorning and good night to my partner, completely ignoring my exsistence! My partner called them out on it so they made a point of mashing our names together, and told outsiders that if anyone should speak with Ste (my partner) that they need to include his girlfriend because she seems to think you don't like her if you don't. WTF!! And they didn't bother to explain the circumstance just made external family and friend think of me as crazy... creating more of the eggshell syndrome and making it seem like no one can talk to him unless they include me! what the f***. I'd like to add that we have been together for 9 years, we're nearly 30yrs old, not married but you'd still assume that I'd have some sort of warmth and exsistence within the family at that point?!?
Whenever they discussed family visiting, they would only talk to my partner about that. When they felt my partner distancing himself from them, they then started not telling him about family visiting. But now they use family gatherings as a way to claw my patner back to their 'hub house'.
We've been out of their house and grip for nearly two years now, but I'm still finding myself in anger towards the whole situation. I'm glad to know that I'm not crazy and that there is a name for this, but i am deeply sadened because I know how much damage and trauma this mental abuse causes, and for years! So sorry to read of other's experiences.