I hope it's okay to post another question. I was home schooled by my uBPDm and uNPDf. I tried school but had a traumatic experience there and I associated school with the trauma and had ptsd flashbacks. I have Aspergers and school was also extremely sensorily overwhelming and difficult socially, I was bullied. I loved loved loved being home schooled because I no longer had to be in that awful noisy, smelly, bright place with confusing rules and social stress and the ptsd flashbacks from the trauma.
We lived in the middle of nowhere, literally, and so it was just me and the outdoors and animals, which was just what I craved after the trauma of being in a school building. It was just me and my family and one neighbour day in day out.
My question is, are there many others out there who were home schooled by Pd parents? It occurred to me it is a very easy way to brainwash and completely control children.
When I think back, we knew a lot of other home schoolers, they were the only others we saw, and many many families were extremely controlling and brainwashing too. To such an extent, my own parents easily were able to play down their own brainwashing and control by referring to the even higher levels in other families. This of course had the effect of making me not see their brainwashing and control at all.
I do not mean to suggest home schooling is bad or controlling! I just am noticing my own experience, it seemed a lot of controlling and brainwashing was going on among the families I grew up with. Mainly the theme was, society is dangerous, the world out there is bad, Satan, evil, corrupt, manipulative, lying, corrupting, immoral, controlling, stupid, inferior or only for "the masses" , not for special people ("like us"). This was different in the different families but I think either the outside world is dangerous and evil or the outside world is inferior and not for special people was usually what the parents explained to their children as their reason for home educating. This makes children very very grateful to their parents who, they explain, are more caring than most parents, because they are rescuing you from the awful world out there. For me this of course sounded very true because I had such a bad school experience.
The children I knew best of all were brought up in a family where the world out there was supposed to be inferior and their mother was according to her the basic all knowing leader of the universe. Then we knew a man who claimed the authorities, whatever they were, were after them so he did not register the children's births. Then there was a family who lived 17 miles down a track so the children were hidden and no one knew they existed. We knew 2 families who refused to take children to the hospital when ill because they did not want anyone to know about them. We were all in hiding all the time from "the authorities".
It was quite terrifying as a child to think of this terrifying outside world that all the home schoolers we knew were protecting us from allegedly, and our parents were all in a position of total control as most lived in remote areas, had no TV, knew no one except other home schoolers, and had no way to escape even as 17 or 18 year old as no transport, no shops, etc.
It was a bit like a cult I think. It was the 1980s and 1990s.
I just wonder if anyone else has experienced this?
I feel quite lonely sometimes having had such a different upbringing and I am conflicted because I absolutely loved much of it on the one hand, and on the other it has damaged me in so many profound ways and I feel extremely angry towards this insane cult thing. There was barely any schooling either among any of the people we knew. This was good they said.
Yep, sounds familiar. Not to say all homeschooling is bad, of course not. I personally intend to homeschool my own children, but primarily because I see overcrowding in public schools as detrimental, and also because hey, I'm home anyway. Plus private schools with smaller class sizes are not in the budget and there's a chance that our kids will carry on a specific and under-recognized learning disability from Dh's side of the family.
However, my own experience being homeschooled by my uBPDm was all about how dangerous/bad/evil/crazy/full of perverts the outside world was. I lived my childhood in fear. I am, however, also a natural introvert. Nothing to do with my upbringing, it's just how I'm wired. So being home, in the yard playing, having pets, having video games, etc, was good for me.
I lacked in social interactions, but I managed to overcome that myself in college. Not all pd's homeschool. Not all homeschooled kids are children of pds. But I do see how it can be a perfect storm situation where children are stuck at home, under their parent's complete, and total control when a pd IS involved. And it sucks....
Homeschooling done right is a wonderful thing, though. And there are tons of resources and programs that parents can use to make sure their kids are getting social interaction (if the kids aren't terribly introverted that is) and to make sure that their education is proceeding as desired. Doesn't have to be a cult, thankfully.
Hi Ilovedogs...
Yes I see your side of things quite clearly. I grew up down the road from a staunchly religious family with about 8 kids who were homeschooled supposedly. The parents were very involved in their church, and imo ridiculously strict with the kids. The girls had to wear ankle length homemade dresses, and although knowing how to sew is a talent I covet, these dresses were circa Little House on the Prairie. It was 1990. The girls were never allowed to wear pants, as pants were for men only. The boys and girls had to use separate bathrooms. The girls had to grow their hair waist length or longer.
I don't know if any actual schooling went on because anytime I saw them or was around them they were all sodden with chores to do. Indoors and outdoors. The girls did all the housework and cooking and care-giving for the younger ones. The boys did the yardwork and other "man" chores. The mother who was morbidly obese, and had trouble moving about, sat around barking orders at the kids from her recliner, and the father worked for the church.
At first the kids were not allowed to associate with me as I was from a broken home, didn't attend their church, or any church with regularity, and wore cut offs, tank tops, band shirts, and jeans with holes in them. I listened to rock music and wore make-up and teased up my bangs. I was everything the parents didn't want their kids to be like. But in time...they relented and let me come over sometimes, under their mother's supervision. One 4th of July, we all piled into their custom van and went to see fireworks. The mother was talking about a baby who died of SIDS recently, and I made the mistake of blurting out that I read a similar story in a True Story magazine. The mother's head swiveled round like an owl, in shock and admonished me, stating that was a sinner's magazine. I wasn't allowed over much after that.
The children didn't seem too lonely, in fact they often acted arrogant, like they were superior to me, better than me.
They were very controlled though. I suspect they were abused too. Their mother took a stick, and drew a line in the front yard and told them they were not allowed to cross that line. The 3 year old, being cheeky, did so, and was whacked with the very stick. The older ones got bikes one year, but could only ride them in their yard, so they went dizzy riding in circles during their short stints of free time.
Ironically, once they came of age, they all went wild, took off and got into lots of trouble. A couple of the boys did jail time, one for vandalizing the very church they grew up in. Some ended up on meth. And some of the girls had babies out of wedlock, and with mixed race--a fact frowned upon by their parents I know. They were covert racists. This was deep south America.
Anyway, you are right, homeschooling is a perfect way to hide and abuse and brainwash children if that is the intent of the "parent". Homeschooling can also be wonderful. I homeschool my DD.
I suspect my DD has a type of spectrum disorder. I could never get an actual diagnosis as when she was evaluated by school officials, she fell just below the cut-off for meeting criteria for a diagnosis of ASD. She hated school the 1st three years K-2nd I let her go. She was bullied, traumatized and like you she said it was too loud, too bright, and smelled. She despised lunchtime, because of all the different food smells, most of which she finds unappealing as she is a very, very picky eater with a very limited choice of foods she will eat. She was also very, very behind. She couldn't read, spell or do anything she should have been able to do, yet she's above average intelligence per that eval they did. IQ in the 120s.
I've been homeschooling her for three years now, and she loves it, albeit she is quite lonely. Where we live there isn't much for kids to do who are homeschooled. Everything is tied to the schools. Not to mention the area isn't the greatest. We are planning to move, and I hope to get her involved in more activities and be around nice kids. She has learned so much from homeschool!! She is in 4th grade technically, but is blazing through the Harry Potter book series, which I was told is about a 6th grade reading level, and her math skills are also nearing the 6th grade level. She appears to know more about history/civics and the law than other kids her age and older. In our state, homeschoolers must be evaluated annually by a certified teacher, and she passed with flying colors.
Her spelling is still a work in progress, but she has come so far. And she is no longer the sad, scared, depressed little girl who daily dreaded going to that loud, rude, overly bright and smelly school with those rough bullies. I spent so much time in the principal's office advocating for my DD, to NO AVAIL.
So I am very grateful for my right to homeschool, but I have to admit that yes, it is the perfect way to exploit children in every way possible. Here in America, homeschool is legal in all 50 states, but each state independently governs how one can go about it. Some states require annual standardized testing with passing scores, some must approve your curriculum, some require annual evals by certified teachers, some require the parent to be a college graduate, and some require all of the above. While a handful of states are "free" states, meaning you are free to homeschool any which way you'd like, and there are no requirements or state oversight. We are actually planning to move to one of those states. I like the idea of not having requirements. DD is a terrible test taker, with immense anxiety about timed tests and will invariably fail it, despite knowing so much about the subjects. If your child fails the tests, or the evaluation due to nerves, the county school superintendent or DOE can force you to put your kid back in public school.
Sorry for the long post, but as you can see, homeschooling really resonates with me. I homeschool because it is what's best for my DD, despite my being a single parent who works full time. I work three 12s a week, so I have four days off, not necessarily in a row, but there are 4 days a week we homeschool for several hours a day (just FYI, public school kids are not being educated for the 6 hours they're there, when you account for all the interruptions, changing classes/periods, disruptive students, etc etc). So each of my days off is centered around homeschool. I don't mind though because I'll never forget how utterly miserable DD was in public school.
My goal for my DD is to be as independent as possible since we have no real family that we interact with. Another reason we are moving out of this state and to a more permissive state, where she can get her driver's license younger, get her GED younger (I do plan on having her do that-with lots of test practice), get training for a skill even if it's not a forever job, just so she has a skill, just in case something happens to me she'll have the tools to get by on her own at a young age.
The world is a dangerous place, but we have to, as parents, educate and arm our children with knowledge and street smarts. The only thing I hope for after we move is that DD can get involved in some activities like swim, or dance or something where she can make some nice friends.
That's the biggest drawback for us with homeschooling, is that lack of social life for her. The one good thing though, is I don't have to worry about bad influences at public school befriending her. As a homeschooler, she can join activities like Girl Scouts and meet nice friends that we can pick and choose from, I'm hoping. Girl Scouts here is tied to the schools, although anyone can join, it's just not that big here.
Many of the families in this area are very "troubled" and their kids really aren't the kind I want around my daughter, they are too grown acting and trouble prone. I realize how this sounds, but it's the truth. I hope in the new state, there will be a more wholesome crowd. This area is just trashy to begin with, staggering drug abuse, overdoses in the streets, profound homelessness and crime, high population of unsavory characters. Most of this is due to the opiate crisis, which has swept our nation, but the state I'm eyeing has far less of it from what I've read, and it's homeschooling is far less restrictive.
I agree. Homeschooling is not inherently bad (at all!) but it can be exploited to hide and perpetuate eery kind of abuse.
I homeschooled my DD through grade 5, and I knew a variety of homeschoolers.
My former boss homeschools his children. He is a narcissist, a guru type. He is able to fully control the family. He also controls who they have access to - friends and such he deems appropriate, which is normal for any family (I don't want my DD having relationships with inappropriate people) but his values are odd and restrictive. It's less about "this family seems kind and well adjusted" and more "this family eats the right food and disavows certain groups and ways of life."
Another homeschooling family I know has a highly dysfunctional mother, possibly some type of waif, and enabling father. They keep their girls at home but do not do anything with them. They can't even read (I don't mean literally not a word but they can't digest a book). The mom lays around all the time demanding service and complaining. Sometimes the father tries to sit down with the girls but then the mom yells at him "I was gonna teach that!" and it never happens. The older girl is visibly sad and turned inward, and the younger seems chaotic.
But I would like to add that I also know some absolutely delightful homeschooling families, the type that would make you smile to be around. Encouraging interests, enriched lives, easy going and relaxed, excited about things.
As for my DD, her anxiety was a major reason we homeschooled her, and my boss has given me the coursge to do it. (We are totally estranged now but he was a friend for years). Back in those days, my husband was well, and we were able to provide DD a happy and enriching experience. She decided she was ready to school outside the home right when things were going south, no idea if that was a coincidence or not. (I couldn't have articulated anything to you at the time). Thankfully she loved the small parochial school we enrolled her in, and she felt very safe there.
Homeschooling, like parenting, comes out very differently depending on whether it's approached with the children's needs as a priority versus the parents' needs.