I am Christian that has been living in the insanity of a pdh. I spent 2 hours today with counselor who has been meeting with my husband. She told me she believes he is a covert narcissist. I'm still kind of reeling! It was also a bit freeing to be reassured I'm not crazy! I do strongly believe God can/will heal him if he will just accept the fact he has a problem.
The counselor will meet with my husband next week to discuss her analysis of him with him so right now he doesn't know. He still thinks we are seeing her for marriage counseling.
Just before quarantine orders were put in place, God made it clear I was to move out (even though I am committed to make this relationship work) which I was able to do so I do have a safe place to process.
I must confess I'm more than a little bit scared. I'm not sure how he will react to her diagnosis (we did discuss some strong possibilities). Please pray he will be willing to get help so our relationship will not become another statistic but will be evidence of God's power!
Scared but hopeful
That sounds like you are safe at the moment and you have a chance to not only allow your husband to address his issues but also to work on your own healing. You seem to have great insight and understanding of your situation and good guidance from a counsellor. Maybe now is the time for you to reflect, pause, and decide what you need and want from a relationship.
Welcome to this forum! Please check out the information you can find on the Personality Disorders and Toolbox tabs.
Hi Trusting,
Welcome!
I am not in charge, nor do I have all wisdom. Please take what you like from what I say and leave the rest...
From a spiritual perspective, narcissism is a sin choice, so technically there can be change. This I have read from Christian authors and counselors.
Reason; deep seated ego issues. Lack of true humility before God. This is not a diagnosis, I am just sharing what I have learned. All things are possible to those who love God and are called according to His purpose.
Some of my changed behaviors have had a better affect on our "relationship." I think we grow up thinking love is only done one way, and to be happy it must be the way we think it should be. Since you are in this chat group I am assuming you love God.
Trust Him. Realize God's ways are not our ways. He cannot make an unwilling person change, but He can pour compassion into your heart and wisdom to deal with what does not seem normal. In all of this the real reward for you is to get as close to God as you can, and stay there.
N's will charm you, and they charm counselors. However, I see nothing wrong with loving an N. You know the old saying, "you can't help who you love." Be prepared to do some of your own changing to accommodate this challenge.
To your benefit, spend time reading this website and the book offered here, "Out of the FOG." Do your own research elsewhere also. You may feel more empowered whether or not your dh changes.
God loves you and will never let you down. He does things His own way, often not to our best thinking, but rather that His will be done.
Hi Trusting. Welcome to Out of the FOG. I am sorry that your relationship has broken down to the point you needed to move out and thankful you have reached out for support. Building an in real life support system as you are doing with a counselor and a support group like Out of the FOG can be such a comfort and needed validation.
There is a rule that I learned when first coming here that is called the 3 C's and it says: I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it. More found here: https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/the-3-cs-rule
There is some relief in the diagnosis I would think because your H's issues were present before you ever met him. His issues are his to manage, control, cure, change. These things are 100% his responsibility. There is freedom in understanding what is ours to do and what is not when facing intimate relationships with an N spouse.
With my own covertly N family member, who is also a Christian, there is help in sharing a Biblical frame of reference for our lives together. Biblical standards for how we live in relationship to God and others can be guiding principles we can find agreement in and measure behaviors and attitudes by that is no respecter of persons and applies to everyone in the relationship. There is something extra helpful and very powerful in having this level playing field with an N person.
You are wise to create some space around yourself to process all that you are learning and to determine how best to go forward. I am really glad you have joined us here and look forward to supporting you.