Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Friends, Neighbors, Acquaintances and Coworkers => Topic started by: IceAndASlice on April 27, 2020, 12:44:41 PM

Title: Feel like I am going mad
Post by: IceAndASlice on April 27, 2020, 12:44:41 PM
I have worked as an after school babysitter for five years now. I will name the couple as Ian and Heather to make things easier.
Ian is 14 years older than Heather and has a chaotic past. Kids with three different mothers and cheated on 2 of his partners. Last year, Heather cheated on Ian. He was devastated and texted me constantly for support. He said Heather would hate how close we had become, would ask for hugs a lot and basically, wanted me around all the time. Heather announced in July 2018 that she wanted a proper divorce (She had been living away for 3 months by then). Again, Ian was devastated.
Throughout this time, I was in the process of dealing with a chronic condition, Crohns disease.I was diagnosed just months before. I was struggling with that but wanted to be there for Ian and he in turn asked me a lot how I was and kept almost in daily touch by text supporting me but also needing a lot of support from me.
Then he suddenly went quiet on me. I then found out he had met a new girlfriend, Emma. It got serious very quickly. Just 9 months on, there was a photo up of Emma and Ian's 8 year old son, Ben, up in the front room. They do not live together but I think it was more logistics than anything else. They spend every weekend together, always at fun events, spending a lot of money.
Now, it is like I do not exist. Professionally and personally, Ian has treated me terribly.
He cancels on me on the day at times with just a few hours to spare, constantly messes me around with dates of when I am needed to look after Ben and does not pay me when he cancels. Understandably I have been annoyed by this. He texted me saying that I seemed annoyed and he was unsure why. I was shocked at how clueless he was. I explained why I was upset as to how he had been disrespecting my time and good nature. He replied saying that he was going through a very tough time, that he had a very demanding job, that he was going through a divorce from Heather and that his main concern is his son. He spoke about what a fantastic dad he is and made me feel like I was being very unreasonable.
 He made me feel it was bad of me to bring these issues up. Almost like I should be absolutely fine with how he has treated me. He now seems angry with me when I see him and called me out on using the wrong cup for his son's drink the last time I was at his home.
Now, of course I have not been at his house as we have the coronavirus. He has not offered to pay me and has not checked in with me once despite knowing that I am in the vulnerable category and saying many a time in the past that I am like family. Everybody else has heard from him but me.
Obviously I cannot work for him or be around him any longer but I am not sure how to go about this. Part of me wants to wait for him to get in touch (I have the house key still) but I also feel very angry at how he has treated me and want to say something now. The schools are not back in the UK so he won't need my help anytime soon but I don't want to make it easy for him in terms of him having notice to find another sitter.

Would be interested in others thoughts here. He only thinks of his own needs and seems genuinely shocked when I point out his mistreatment of me. He is arrogant and a hypocrite. He accuses his ex of being a drunk but drinks a lot himself as does his girlfriend. He is very opinionated and loud. He is a very successful businessman but has little empathy or insight into others feelings. He has as I said in the past cheated and I know he has addiction issues.
He does make me feel like I have gone mad and lost the plot. Going by how confused and shocked he seems when I react to his behaviour. He has deeply hurt me, making me feel I was part of the family and his friend only to drop me when it suited him. I have been there unconditionally for him and his son only to have it thrown back in my face. I can't help but question my self and it's a horrible feeling.  I wonder if there is something wrong with me in that he cares so little? For all he knows I could be very sick with the virus or with my ore existing condition. Yet he seemingly does not care. I do not even cross his mind.

Thoughts?  Would appreciate any feedback
Title: Re: Feel like I am going mad
Post by: notrightinthehead on April 28, 2020, 02:58:24 AM
Welcome! This man sure has treated you badly. Check out the Personality disorders tab for traits and more information, you might find some answers there. I also highly recommend to read around in the toolbox tab, it might help you develop some strategies on how to deal with this man from now on.
It might be time to re-think your relationship with this man and how you behave around him in the future.
Title: Re: Feel like I am going mad
Post by: IceAndASlice on April 28, 2020, 05:58:37 AM
Thank you very much for your reply. It has made me feel less alone.
I will post on the other forum to get some further ideas on how to deal with him. Thank you.