I'm wondering if anyone else spent a lot of unsupervised time with a PD'd parent after their parents divorced as children? Our parents (uNPDf, en/codependentM) split when I was 7. In the past few years working with a trauma therapist, she keeps asking me "what did you need that you didn't have?" The answer is usually protection from him by a sane adult.
It stil baffles me that our dad had unsupervised visitation rights. M had to kidnap and hide us during the divorce, because even his friends believed he'd murder us, the rage and intimidation was so extreme, despite the fact he'd never hit anyone. Even the courts deemed that kidnapping us was necessary, and dismissed the kidnapping charges, calling it "child rescue." They then gave him unsupervised visitation.
I don't get how the courts and our mom allowed that to happen.
He commented once that we were lucky - some people don't get unsupervised visitation. Because of the constant brain washing, this told me "we're so much better off than some families. You're lucky you have me." It's probably the same reason he had us watching Law & Order SVU every night at 10 years old. I still have scenes of horrific abuse etched into my mind from that. It was his way of setting the bar so low he couldn't fail...Look at what the real monsters do.
I don't have a tonne of memories of us all before the divorce. But afterwards, when we had to visit him alone, those were the really terrifying times, and I think where most of my trauma came from.
Your mom may not have had a choice, as the Judge determines the outcomes, and Judges do not take kindly to their orders being violated. Have you asked your mom about it?
I know I have times of anger when I think of my grandad allowing me to go back to an extremely abusive household when it seemed he cared so much for me, and took such good care of me. The best months of my entire childhood were with him. He did take me away from her and her disgusting boyfriend when I was around 3-4 for the better part of a year. I recall vividly the life I had with him. How safe and loved I felt. I cherish those memories, they're the only good ones.
However, just before I was to start school, he very reluctantly brought me back. I could see the resignation on his face. He talked to me about it first, and he explained he didn't have a choice because he doesn't make the rules.
It still hurts. But I realize, he was right. He didn't make the rules. He had no rights over me, and getting on in age, he wasn't up for a royal court battle. I was still able to see him, but I'll never forget that day he brought me back. It was awful.
It took me a long time to not blame him. I don't know your exact situation, but it's ultimately the court's fault for allowing a man they knew to have a violent history unfettered access to vulnerable children. Shame on that Judge!! If your mother downplayed the situation to the court's then shame on her too. Yet she did try to whisk you away, and the court knew this, and even pardoned it, yet oddly gave him unsupervised visitations....did he have a stellar attorney?
I have been thinking about this issue a lot. I am always complaining that my enM never tried to leave my PDF. I often think about it. I am on another forum where people are married to and have children with people who have the exact same PD as my dad. I often wonder and sometimes question why they don’t leave because isn’t it better to have a break from the PD? Their answer is always this - they are terrified of ending up in your scenario.
For me, I don’t consider my mother to be a moderating influence on my father. Mostly I feel our arrangement left me on pins and needles 24/7, and I fantasize about what it would have been like to be safe from him for a few days in a row. I realize now I do not know how I would have felt if I traveled that other path. At any rate, it does seem the court cannot be relied upon to protect children. I am very sorry it failed you!
You're right freedom, she may have (and likely) had no say. He had an absolute cutthroat divorce lawyer, and I know they deliberately financially drained her. I'm putting some distance in between her and myself right now, so it's not a topic I expect to discuss soon. Maybe some day, if I still feel the need to know what really happened.
She wasn't a moderating influence on our father either - she was actually more like him when they were together, despite being an incredibly empathetic person on her own. Having a home without him allowed her to be a better person and mother - she could focus on healing and parenting rather than surviving. I don't think I'd have the emotional insight or self-awareness I do today if she had stayed. She did also state that her intention in leaving was for us to have a home that was actually safe.
Thanks for sharing your insight about your Grandpa - I see it's not a matter of want, it's a matter of lack of control.
It really is a double-bind, when children remain in contact with a PD'd parent. Either they don't have a safe home at all, or they have one safe home, and another 'home' where they threat is completely unmitigated.
My sister went NC with him when she was 16, a year before he died. Years before that, he mentioned maybe we shouldn't have weekend visits with him, but nothing changed. Another time, I was talking with my mom about not visiting with him anymore - it was too terrifying. I know it's something I could have done, but I was also extremely brainwashed by him, and the GC who felt obligated to take care of his emotional needs.
Quote from: Duck on May 24, 2020, 11:59:25 AM
At any rate, it does seem the court cannot be relied upon to protect children. I am very sorry it failed you!
:yeahthat: