Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Dealing with PD Parents => Topic started by: LindaLoo on June 05, 2020, 08:17:58 AM

Title: I said NO
Post by: LindaLoo on June 05, 2020, 08:17:58 AM
In March I posted about my mother and her mild stroke. She was in the hospital and they found blocked artery in neck. She stayed 2 days and they wanted her to stay get more tests and have the procedure. She refused. Husband and I picked her up to go home. We both heard the nurse tell her not to leave. Since then she has said I lied. She refused to agree that they told her to stay. She must have her doctor who babies her and she says "calls me his mother"  LOL!  So we took her for a round of appointments. She had a rage that day because I said something she did not like. Then came Covid 19  .  She had scheduled app for April 6. Canceled because of covid.  I kept getting her health reports in emails. I was and am going through some stressful things as we all are.  I told her I had a situation. Well, for sure she just ignored.   I told her right from the start that I wasn't being around anyone. I was staying in. She did not 'get this'  as she kept running around. She has never taken Covid 19 serious . 

So a couple of weeks ago she had the procedure. My youngest brother and I said NO to taking her. Middle brother golden boy did. He quit his job and didn't seem to be afraid of Covid. He is her very favorite. He drinks, goes from job to job, and honestly is a carbon of her..

Now he and Mother are smearing me and my brother for saying NO.  She is one of the meanest people I know.  I get smeared often.  I am proud I said no. Yet I am a liar and bad bad daughter. Thank goodness for my youngest brother. My oldest died 2 years ago. He and I could talk about everything.

I will never understand her lack of care in any form for things I may be struggling with. Her emails begin "I just wanted you to know about me"  I struggle with what others think because she smears my name. I needed to write this out. Thank you for listening.

Oh and the cat story thats on my other post. Shes told me 3 times now. Its very sad and hurts me. She likes doing that. My no now stands!!!! I am important too.























Title: Re: I said NO
Post by: PeanutButter on June 05, 2020, 10:17:27 AM
I truly sympathise. Dont forget most people consider the source when they hear things. I wouldnt worry about what a mean liar says about you. 

:bighug:


I care about your struggles. Many here on the forum also care. Take care of you. You deserve love and peace.
Title: Re: I said NO
Post by: SunnyMeadow on June 05, 2020, 11:16:22 AM
I will never understand her lack of care in any form for things I may be struggling with. Her emails begin "I just wanted you to know about me" 

This says a lot, doesn't it? It shocking how everything is really ALL about them and only them. For them not to consider how their own children are doing is disgusting.

You are absolutely important too and I'm so glad you've told them NO! Good for you LindaLoo  :yes:
Title: Re: I said NO
Post by: Amadahy on June 05, 2020, 11:47:14 AM
"No" gets easier.  Pinky promise. 

Darn tootin' you are important, too!  Wonderful that you are realizing this!  Take care.
Title: Re: I said NO
Post by: LindaLoo on June 06, 2020, 07:02:23 AM
Thank you everyone. All I ever wanted was a mother who cared, one who loved her daughter, not for what I could do for her, but to just love me as a mother is supposed to do. I dont understand the self absorbed.  Sending love to each of you. You are amazing friends❤
Title: Re: I said NO
Post by: Maxtrem on June 06, 2020, 09:52:24 AM
Hello LindaLoo, I understand you, it's hard to have a parent being so absorbed in themselves all the time. The last time I said no to my uBPD/Nm she threatened to commit suicide. Now I'm lying that I have to work, so I'm unavailable. It works well.     
All I ever wanted was a mother who cared, one who loved her daughter, not for what I could do for her, but to just love me as a mother is supposed to do. I dont understand the self absorbed. 
Recently, my uBPD/Nm mentioned that people liked her just for she is usefulness, what she can do for others. It made me grind my teeth! It was projection, that's what she made me feel all my life. She is far from being a particularly useful person, that's for sure!
Title: Re: I said NO
Post by: LindaLoo on June 06, 2020, 02:22:35 PM
Peanut Butter, Sunny Meadow, Amadahy, Maxtrem, Thank you for your kind replies :hug: :bighug:
Title: Re: I said NO
Post by: nanotech on June 06, 2020, 04:56:22 PM
 Saying ĎNoí does get easier. It gets easier when the feelings of guilt leave, which they begin to do once you allow yourself not to care about the smearing.
Iíve stopped caring what is said. I donít define myself by whether they hold me in high esteem or not. The threat not to Ďfall shortĎ  of their expectations is just another part of  the abuse. Once I saw that, it was easy to drop the rope.
I know they all talk about me, so what?- I just shrug, smile and get on with living my life.
Iím  the only person who can judge my actions and guess what, Iím good enough. So are you!
Title: Re: I said NO
Post by: LindaLoo on June 07, 2020, 06:54:32 AM
Nanotech. Thats my issue. I cant seem to get past the smear campaign. It angers me.  I will work hard to get past this. Thank You
Title: Re: I said NO
Post by: Maxtrem on June 07, 2020, 09:59:40 AM
If it makes you feel any better, I was also afraid of the smear campaigns of my uBPDm. But the last one she did cost all her friends (except for one who is quite troubled). One of her friends had even called me to find out if I was okay and to tell me that she was sorry for what I was going through. Normal people don't appreciate that PD calls 2 hours a day to denigrate her own children. The worst thing is that my mother hasn't even been able to make the connection between her behaviour and the fact that she doesn't have friend anymore, she just thinks it's because her friends are not strong enough to support her!

Title: Re: I said NO
Post by: PeanutButter on June 07, 2020, 02:38:40 PM
Nanotech. Thats my issue. I cant seem to get past the smear campaign. It angers me.  I will work hard to get past this. Thank You

Yes I understand. The smear campaign hurts. And then the anger comes ime.

 It is unjustifiable to tell lies about someone. These lies are especially heineous imo because the person has done horrible things to you for years but is telling anyone they can that you are the horrible person. Basically its projection. You may find that the things she says actually describe herself.   :uuuuhhh:
Title: Re: I said NO
Post by: LindaLoo on June 08, 2020, 06:28:42 PM
Thank you both. I do think they are oblivious to their behavior.  I used to try to explain how she upset me. It was a total waste of my time. There's no explaining to them, no reasoning. I agree it is projection. Her friends all seem to be as mentally ill as she is. One esp. Is just like my mother. I know I must tell myself this and never let it bother me again.  Thank you Maxtrem and PeanutButter. Very helpful advice
Title: Re: I said NO
Post by: nanotech on June 08, 2020, 10:56:24 PM
I had to have therapy before I could move past it.  What I kept doing was just rising to it,and just continuing the pattern.
I was a nightmare for JADE ing.
I pandered.
I hurt
I suffered
I cried
A lot.
 Then there was a massive family event. Dad and siblings couldnít cope with my mum getting a terminal diagnosis, hell I went through it as well, but they had to scapegoat someone and that was me.
I just had to take stock when that happened. Then I went for therapy, and the penny started to drop about my familyís dysfunction.

I donít want to sound mean, but honestly, INDIFFERENCE neutralises them.  :blink:
Their present inability to make me angry/ upset/ shamed/ guilty, has made them raving bonkers. :stars:
When I medium chilled the bonkers responses, it all went even quieter.
Yes, Iíve had to give up on changing them.
They wonít change.
They are not happy bunnies now that Iíve dropped the rope. :doh:
Before I went no contact with the siblings, ( VLC with dad) one of them tried to shame me directly. On social media.
I think this was a last resort. The bad -mouthing behind my back had stopped working, so she changed her game.
 Thatís when I called it a day, a life, a lifetime -of seeking the approval that was never going to come.
I started to say NO.
No dad, I  canít make that date, Iíve got plans.
No dad, you canít bring my sister with you to my house uninvited.
No, ( unpdbrother) Iím not having dad move in with me. I donít think it would work out.
No dad, Iím not going to let my sister move in with me. Sheís not going to become homeless, she just needs to sort out her benefits.
No dad, you canít summon me to drop everything and drive 30 miles to the hospital when you have gone to a& e with some minor ailment yet again
 (pre pandemic behaviour😉)
No UNPD sister, Iím not ringing dad and insisting younger sis moves back in with him. If she has any marriage problems then she must discuss them with dad herself. ( no divorce or separation happened. Over the years I was used as a flying monkey to do their bidding, then promptly hung out to dry and  later scapegoated as íinterferingí).

I needed to stop desperately seeking approval.  :yeahthat:
Because the whole point for them, is for us to serve and for them to disapprove. :evil2:
But thereís freedom in stopping, if we can just see it.
The luxurious feeling of dropping the rope is not to be overstated!
How to cope?
Iíve leaned on my FOC  :angel:
Iíve some cousins too,   :wave: who are supportive and loving. Iíve not discussed anything of my siblings with them but they sort of get that my dad suffers from health anxiety.
theyíve not brought it up in detail with me either. So we just chug along!  :tongue2:
Not everything has to be explained to other people!  :applause:
Iíve no idea if the sibs have tried to influence my cousins. I think they may have. They think that it looks bad that extended family might see that I have blocked them on social media. How things look, worries them. They also WANT to see my social media, to know things about me,without having to ask me.

But even if they HAVE tried to put me down to other family members, those people often do see whatís going on. So far so good, but if I lose any of my cousins through smearing, then So Be It. :Idunno:
I canít go back to what it was like before. :sadno:
 Itís so wonderful not feeling the oppression of those very strange relationships any more! You donít realise the immense weight until you take it from your shoulders, and put it down.

Look, it really is worth it. It so is. Itís freedom. Just stop caring what they think or say about you. Other people will still love you regardless! And you will be able still love yourself! You will begin to love yourself more authentically too.
Itís the only real hold they have over you. They use it as a kind of blackmail.
No one should have to endure that. No one.  :sadno:
Title: Re: I said NO
Post by: LindaLoo on June 11, 2020, 05:57:14 PM
Nanotech. Thank you!  You have done such hard work. You are at the place I want to be.  You have figured it out. I do think others see the truth and they will still love me.  Most of the ones who believe her are BPD'S too. I do want to love myself and be free. Thank you for an inspiring post!!
Title: Re: I said NO
Post by: nanotech on June 13, 2020, 09:36:02 PM
Yes they do, Lindaloo and you will be fine! Youíre welcome. It helped me to write it all down and reflect on the process Iíve been through! Sending luck and love! ❤️😎🎶
Title: Re: I said NO
Post by: p123 on June 15, 2020, 09:56:19 AM
Spooky how many of us have "golden child" siblings that are exactly like our parents....
We are different and don't fit in and they hate it.

My brother can do no wrong. Hes like Dad - its his way or no way.
Title: Re: I said NO
Post by: LindaLoo on June 17, 2020, 06:54:56 PM
P123 yes it seems like there's  one in every dysfunctional family.  It causes issues between siblings. Mother tries to divide us.  Im sorry you go through this too. Favoritism really hurts families
Title: Re: I said NO
Post by: PeanutButter on June 18, 2020, 02:58:43 AM
Yes favortism is dysfunctional! Favortism is abusive. This does not happen with emotionally healthy parents. Emotionally healthy parents love and treat all their children equally.ime
The purpose of the scapegoat is to hide the parent's failures and flaws that they refuse to acknowledge exist.
IE:  the mother couldnt bond with her baby maybe she had post partem the mother coudnt sooth her baby; so she claims the baby was at fault the baby was too hard to sooth and extra fussy the baby wouldnt bond with her somthing is wrong with the baby not her ime
Title: Re: I said NO
Post by: LindaLoo on June 19, 2020, 07:58:29 AM
Thank you PeanutButter, So very true. Favoring one child over the other is abusive!!  A normal mother would never do this. I try with my children (grown up now) to never do that. I could never favor, it's just a sick thing to do . The golden boy tho is just an emotional mess. He drinks, can't keep a marriage or any relationship, and I blame our mother. He is yet to see this
Title: Re: I said NO
Post by: PeanutButter on June 19, 2020, 11:04:19 AM
Lindaloo it is sad. We watch helpless. I still occasionally, like this morning, I laughed out kinda loud; it sounded like her; I felt a wave of longing for freindship/closeness with my uhpdS but it is impossible to remain safe if I have contact.  :'(  Im so grateful for the connections here. You understand me. I understand you.  :cheers:
Title: Re: I said NO
Post by: Pinkos on June 19, 2020, 02:41:28 PM
I second the notion that not everyone that listens to these smears is going to jump to THEIR side! The flying monkeys for sure are proxies and to be avoided/blocked. But the rest are keeping a respectful distance and perhaps don't want to be involved and that's a healthy response. And even if these people are not discerning enough to call bullsh*t right away, after observing our parents' callousness over a period of time, many of them will get there. And many people have experienced someone gossiping about them or trying to turn others against them, so they will be able to call that behavior for what it is even if they don't say anything directly.

I've had maybe 3-4 FMs contact me over the last several years of NC (they were all immediately blocked or shut down in one way or another; I never engaged with any of them on the subject) but the rest of the extended family or family friends have been distant. And I think a lot of my anxiety about the smear campaign is a hold over from when I was a kid and my parents used to gossip so harshly about me with the most negative connotations to everything I did. And I felt so helpless to do anything about it.

But just yesterday I was thinking that the reason my parents are only close to crappy relatives/friends is because they've driven all the healthy people away. They're not even that close to any of these people; they gossip about them like dogs behind their backs too. If someone is talking about their child in such a degrading way, you'd have to be extremely naive to think they're not talking about you too behind your back. Or you're both PD parents commiserating. So if these crappy relatives/friends buy into their bs and think negatively of me, so what?? These people were never on my side anyway because they had been drinking the cool-aid since I was a kid and have never extended any warmth in my direction. So I never had these people in my corner anyway. So I've lost nothing. None of my relatives have ever attempted to be closer to me so....

The ones that hurt the most are the loss of siblings and any other people that you cared about who just don't get it. Those hurt for sure.

Title: Re: I said NO
Post by: LindaLoo on June 19, 2020, 06:02:43 PM
PeanutButter, Yes I do understand you. I am so grateful for all of you here.  :bighug:
Title: Re: I said NO
Post by: LindaLoo on June 19, 2020, 06:12:46 PM
Pinkos, Thank you !  I am learning that not everyone listens to the smears. It's sad when they smear us to siblings. That hurts the most. The dysfunction I just can't deal with. My brothers stay quiet now, tho I tell them I love them and I'm always here for them. Mother has divided. Parents like your'es and mine are not Parents at all  :bighug: