So, my mum is in hospital with a sudden serious illness.
Tests so far clear. Next ones very invasive requiring sedation/anaesthesia. Doctors reluctant to do them as she's very frail. She'll be 83 next month.
No diagnosis yet and as yet not in a condition where she can be cared for at home. Dad (same age) struggling to look after himself under the emotional stress of the situation.
My question is, how do I keep ds13 in the loop without giving too much info for his uNPD dad and especially his uNPD Smum to latch on to.
She's already fishing. She's texted me twice for news. I haven't replied. I suspect she also told ds to ask in a text to me which hospital mum is in and why. Not questions I believe he would have thought to ask.
Ds is likely to ask me why I haven't responded to her texts. How do I answer that?
AOD
Sorry to hear that. :bighug:
Non of her business comes to mind. If you want the tactful version (to your son, I'd never reply to the pd)
We have no news to tell at this point and since the virus we are not encouraging any contact for the moment. Will let you know once we find out anything.
You can't stop him from telling his step pd but you can stop the information. If he asks why you won't reply to her tell him history and you've learned it's unwise. He's old enough to probably know that.
I must say despite the difficulties with COVID19 for those managing pds it certainly has a silver lining.
I would say something like, "I am respecting grandma's privacy regarding her situation". I would keep DS age appropriately in the loop, but what he tells the PDs, you can't control.
What would she do with the Hospital name? Would she actually call and ask for info? I know in the US, they can't give medical info unless it's approved by the patient.
This comes up often over here. Usually BM will send the kids to ask DH something she wants to know either over the phone or when they're all in person, like at a sports game. His strategy is to agree to tell the kids ... later, when they're here, with the idea that they won't remember the exact name by the time the get back to her house.
Possible script: Pretend like your son is asking because he's concerned about his grandma and give him the information you would if that was the case (because he probably is!).
"Hi honey, grandma is doing OK. I'm able to visit her and help grandpa out some. We're not quite sure what's going on. Things have been very hectic but I'll keep you in the loop, and we can talk more next weekend."
If he asks about SM's texts: "I'll be sure to keep your dad informed about anything they need to know about this! But you don't need to worry about that, it's an issue between adults." DH has said this exact phrase on repeat constantly as BM tries to get the kids to put themselves in the middle of things.
AOD:
If you think about it for a minute, what does the SM gain from knowing where your mother is hospitalized?
If she knew, would it make a difference?
I'd like to think SM has less power, less ability to affect your lives, less ability to harm you than you might believe she has.
My attorney used to say my PDs could find me where I went... and that turned out to be true. All the time I spent trying to keep it secret was likely wasted time and worry, IME.
What if SM knows how your mum is doing, where she is, what her condition might be?
These are rhetorical questions. You don't have to answer them. I just want you to turn and face the worst possible scenario and maybe make peace with it.... go back to being present in your life and as OK as you can be without worrying about her.
I wish you didn't have to worry another minute on her account.
It's so not fair.
If you're worried she'll show up at the hospital, with your son, or send flowers or chat up the hospital staff, or talk about you..... she'd just look like a nut, IMO.
I understand what you're saying but it's very difficult. There's this sense of loss as another person tries to take over your life. Probably just to annoy you. To insinuate themselves in by practicing parental alienation. etc.
I was quite surprised at the strength of my reaction to someone coming in and taking over to sort out the issues the kids had with their father and grandparents.
All of which apparently were caused by me. Fortunately the kids were old enough to see straight through it.
Exbpdh's new wife couldn't wait to make it all better for him and said to my d she knows how difficult life is for her and she needs to get out of home. Exh was pushing for that too.
D and I had just bought an apartment together and she was so proud of herself, (rightly so) and all his new wife was doing was putting me down.
It really angered my d. Because the problems for the previous 10 years had been largely exbpdh and his parents and she knew that.
I couldn't imagine having to live with that week in week out.
Thank-you for your replies, everyone.
It's been a very stressful, tiring and hectic 2 weeks.
My mum has improved some but we are having to make quick long term decisions about future arrangements.
I don't want to say too much more as my pds may find this site.
The uNPD smum has texted identical texts daily to me fishing for information. I haven't replied.
UNPD exH (probably his uNPD wife) emailed tonight offering to take ds13 to visit my mum in hospital. Ironically she's in one that is literally 5 minutes drive away from their apartment. :aaauuugh:
I need to stop it from happening. I can't blame Covid restrictions as they can easily check that with the hospital. But to say anything else is giving them information I don't want them to have.
So far my conversations with ds13 have gone well but I suspects the pds are making him more worried than he is when he's with me.
What should I reply to uNPD exH?
AOD
My ex would threaten things as if he was being nice and helpful, but always, an underlying threat of looking to start trouble.
Keep ex (this includes step mother) away, keep him at bay, say nothing and provide no information to son either. Ignore all texts unless about your child specifically, dealing with school, activities, medical issues.
Gray answers, grandma is okay, she is doing well, I will let you know if something changes and then turn the conversation to something else. I would never tell son what hospital she was at as its just ex fishing for info. through him. You are protecting son by him not knowing, then he cannot pass it along.
She is your mother and you are entitled to privacy while dealing with your mom's medical issues and the feelings that go along with that.
:bighug:
How about " No, thank you." ?
Keep it simple.
In case the ex or his wife try visiting the hospital, I would alert the staff so they can be denied visiting your mother. Her health and life is none of their business.
Quote from: Medowynd on June 23, 2020, 12:53:32 AM
In case the ex or his wife try visiting the hospital, I would alert the staff so they can be denied visiting your mother. Her health and life is none of their business.
:yeahthat:
I'd consider sending a verbal jujitsu text to the sm, to document your response.
Something like....
Dear sm:
I appreciate your offer to visit my mother at the hospital with my son.
Consider yourself off the hook, as all visitation is in hand, and privacy is preferred.
Regards,
AOD
I think documenting things is helpful, IME.
Documenting what you want everyone to SEE, if you need to show what's going on.... can be helpful, IME.
Or not: )
Thanks, everyone.
I did seriously consider informing hospital security.
But first I sent a reply to uNPD exH's email that said mum is restricted to 2 particular visitors and that I will keep ds13 informed and arrange visits for him when it's possible.
I later found out that the hospital doesn't allow visitors who are under 16.
I then texted ds to tell him of the visitor restrictions and that my mum will be leaving the hospital in a day or so. All true information.
Hopefully that will keep the pds away from mum.
If she goes to another facility I will probably inform their security people of the pd situation. Hopefully the pds won't find out where she ends up anyway.
The uNPD smum has texted me every day fishing for info. Identical texts for 6 (7?) days straight. Yesterday a different one saying that ds needs more info. Another different one today wanting specifics of what tests mum has had, what they were for, what's wrong, what the meds are for etc.. All couched in terms of ds being "distressed and needing to know".
I'm almost at the point of responding to put her in her place. But I don't need or want the inevitable drama.
I wish I could block her texts but ds lives with her and his uNPD father so I need to keep that line of communication open.
Interesting that there's been no word from uNPD exH. Why can't his wife be more like him? (Who would have thought I'd ever ask that question?!)
Mum is doing a lot better but we're having to make some drastic, life changing, long term decisions for her and dad's future. Nothing new for most of us with elderly parents, but sad and difficult nonetheless.
Things are rather stressful and exhausting at the moment.
And whilst I'm quite content in my own company, it would be nice to have a partner to lean on at this time. Someone to cook dinner would be nice! With online teaching I'm not finishing work until 7pm or later....
AOD
Ooo. That WOMAN!!!
She just doesn't let up.
Not a word of "sorry to hear about your mum. What can I do to help. Only get back to me if/when you can. Ds is ok. Are you ok."
No, none of that. Just DEMANDS for details about MY MOTHER'S PERSONAL AND PRIVATE HEALTH PROBLEMS!!!!
Why does she think it's any of her business? Why does she think her bahaviour towards me is appropriate at this really difficult time?
Oh that's right. Because she apparently knows my son better than I do. She's apparently a better mother to him than I am. Oh. And she knows more about medicine than doctors do.
Just.. aarrgghh!!!!
:blowup:
Can you tell I'm furious?
Ok. Rant over.
Thanks for listening, folks.
AOD
Hi AoD,
I feel so horrible you are going through this situation. It's enough that you are dealing with a sick parent, but to have someone you despise making it worse....UGH! What have you said to her?
If you have tried to be nice and she is still pushing, maybe it's time to be firm? "I understand you want to be helpful, but the thing my mother/I need most right now is space to deal with this difficult situation. I will update family members as appropriate, but my mother has expressed her desire for privacy regarding her health situation. I hope you can respect the my sincere request".
We had a family member living with us for about a year, and we took care of him as he went through cancer treatments and ultimately died in our home. BM was horrid during this period of time- even withholding the children "for the health of my FIL" and saying horrible things about why and how we were taking care of him. I look back and can't even believe what she put us through on top of the excruciating situation we already had going on....she has no heart...at all. I remember going to an event to honor DSD and it was so important for FIL to make it there. It was everything he could do to get there and sit through the ceremony. When it ended, he felt sick and we had to rush him outside. We walked past BM/BF standing with the kids on the way out and waved goodbye. DSD came back to our house ENRAGED that we didn't stop to chat. When we explained that grandpa was in pain and felt sick....she said he looked fine and didn't believe us. It's amazing what they will use to torture us....it's our job to not allow it to have the impact.
Thanks, Stepping Lightly.
It's awful what you went through with your family member (FIL?) and I'm so sorry that the BM behaved so badly.
It's unfathomable, the lack of empathy our pds have. I know it's (not) there all time, but it's times like these that seem to really bring it out.
I have not given my pds any information. There's actually not a lot to tell. We don't really have answers to the uNPD smum's questions.
I am waiting until ds13 comes home to discuss it with him properly. He just knows that my mum is doing better and medication seems to be helping.
And really, that's all he needs to know. He's only 13!
Since he turned 12 his uNPD father and uNPD smum seem to have decided he's an adult and should be told everything and allowed to do everything he wants.
Anyway.
AOD
I have a funny (in retrospect) story about PDs' inappropriate, no-empathy responses to illness.
A long time ago, when DH was being a lot more flexible with the schedule, he had a very minor procedure but asked BM to take the kids that evening just in case. She agreed. The day of she sent him a very demanding email containing, among other inappropriate things, a question about "what should I tell the kids if you die?"
That was the last time he told her ANYTHING about his health situation, and we often keep it vague to the kids as well so that BM won't find out.
Thanks, everyone.
I'm leaving out a lot of traumatic detail here but just to say, my mum seems to respond well to medication for a day or so and then severely regresses.
They can't seem to get her into a healthy enough state for long enough for the doctors to be able to assess her properly. It's very distressing.
I haven't told the uNPD smother anything. I did reply by email to her innumerable texts, saying I'd continue to keep ds informed as information comes to hand.
She went off her tree, of course. I can't wait to show her texts and emails to the court psychologist in a few months.
AOD
What does sm DO when she goes off her tree?
This time she sent a scathing email - essentially saying that just because I don't want her to exist, that she has a better relationship with ds etc etc etc, doesn't mean I should disrespect her etc etc etc etc etc....
I guess there's not much else she can do in this situation, except what she already is: getting into ds's ear about how I should be telling her details about my mum's health etc.
AOD
Look into the laws about parental alienation. This woman wants to step permanently into your shoes and erase you from your son's life if possible. What a horrible person she is!
Hi AoD,
I would terminate communication with her. You have no obligation to communicate with her, and her messages are nasty and unhelpful. I know there are challenges knowing who is actually communicating, but if they are coming directly from her, I would leave unread and throw into an email folder. She's playing with you, end the game.