Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Friends, Neighbors, Acquaintances and Coworkers => Topic started by: AD on July 08, 2020, 06:55:28 PM

Title: Noticing similarities between friend and parent
Post by: AD on July 08, 2020, 06:55:28 PM
There's a friend who I hadn't seen in some time until lately. She suddenly seems really negative to me, makes passive aggressive comments, and seems rude in other ways. I'm not sure if she's changed/is in a bad place, or if I've only now become aware of these traits. I actually noticed this the last time I spent any real time with her, but thought that she may have just been really stressed out about work.

I notice most of the conversation is her complaining about things (we all need to vent sometimes, but it just seems like it's all the time). I noticed a while ago that I could be guilty of this - some of my stories would involve complaint based anecdotes that I thought were kind of fun to discuss ("how crazy is this" sort of stories), but then I realized that maybe it was just negative and not pleasant for others, so I made a point to curtail it. She'll also cut me off when I'm mid-sentence to talk about something else.

One thing that's bothering me is that when we're together somewhere, she will sometime just start walking off without me and keep going,  without looking back or saying anything (not that it matters for the sake of this story, but I'm not a slow walker).

A couple of times, we were at restaurants, nearly ready to leave, but instead of asking if I'm ready to go, or slowly standing up and then waiting a few seconds for me, she just gets up, and walks away, leaving me at the table - until she's fully outside of the restaurant. Or another time we were getting out of the car to walk somewhere, she got out first, and same thing - just started walking, got way ahead of me, and never looked back. Weirdly, I guess she's only ok with this being one sided: one time we were walking and I guess she was going to have to pause for a second, and yelled really loudly "wait!" at me (even though I was basically still beside her).

Am I being overly sensitive? It just feels incredibly rude, like she could care less if I'm there. I tried jokingly saying something a couple of times to draw attention to it (e.g. "you ran away!", or "hey, you ditched me!"). Once she responded that she "had to get out of there", and the other time just yelled something back that I couldn't make out, and kept walking.

With the passive aggressive comments, it's more the way things are said I think that is pinging with me as similar to a PD parent. We shared a hotel once, and when we got in, she put her bag on the only bench that was available.  I looked around for a place to store my bag, and found a luggage rack in the closet. After I pulled it out of the closet and put my bag on it, she said "oh, is there only one of those?". I'm pretty sure she knew there was only one, and combined with her tone, this sounded like "there's only one luggage rack and you took it? That's rude of you."

I guess I should try to respond differently, like telling her directly that it bothers me when she walks off without me, but in the moment it feels so awkward to bring up (and also seems pretty obvious, no?)

Title: Re: Noticing similarities between friend and parent
Post by: notrightinthehead on July 09, 2020, 05:47:37 AM
When I am in a situation like this, I ask myself what this friend brings to the table. There might be good things about her that you do not get from other friendships. I have an extremely self centered friend, who is also funny, full of life, and helpful. So I put up with what bothers me about her. And I have contact once a month or less. If there are very few or no good points that I can think of, I try to let the relationship fade out. I no longer try to have company just for the sake of having company as I used to.
Title: Re: Noticing similarities between friend and parent
Post by: clara on July 09, 2020, 12:38:00 PM
Well I'd say her habit of just walking off without saying anything/waiting for you is beyond passive-aggressive.  I don't know why she's doing it but it's definitely rude and inconsiderate and I can't think of one reason that would justify it.  Maybe she really is just that clueless and feels she's perfectly entitled to act that way because it's all about her, but honestly, she didn't grow up on a desert island or was raised by wolves.  She has to know the impression she gives by doing it and just doesn't care.  So at that point, as notright said, you have to decide whether or not the friendship is worth it.   How okay are you with being treated that way?  I, too, have some casual friends who I have no desire to get closer to because of their behavior, but I'm okay being with them on occasion and for short duration because for the most part, they're fine, they just don't bring enough to the relationship to encourage more interaction. 
Title: Re: Noticing similarities between friend and parent
Post by: AD on July 11, 2020, 01:03:27 AM
Thank you both - it's nice to have confirmation that walking away is incredibly rude!

I really should have said something....it just seems so obvious that it's rude, and I think in the moment it also makes me feel a bit embarrassed/less than (even though it's not my fault).