Hello everyone. I am very close to leaving my pdH after years of hell. I left once before, and ended up going back to him unfortunately. I'm trying to process what happened last time, so I can avoid the same mistakes this time. I thought this might also be helpful to anyone else planning their exit.
When I left last time, it was very rushed and unplanned. I did not feel safe. H's outbursts were getting increasingly scary. The children were tiny, one only a baby. I felt so vulnerable and felt he was on the verge of physical abuse, so I fled.
At first, he was so apologetic. He was devastated, crying, talking about suicide.
I was very distressed. Very, very emotional. I did not have a great support network, the only person I really had to talk to was my pdM who just shouted at me and said she 'couldn't believe I was crying over that B*'
Month 1: We began meeting up. He was so, so upset. He begged me to give him another chance, said he would work on his issues and would never treat me like that again. I agreed that if he changed his behaviour, we would move back.
He sent me romantic texts, was endlessly declaring his love for me.
We started couples counselling. He admitted making mistakes in the relationship, and promised to change. I suggested he see a therapist, he said passionately that of course he would (he never did).
Month 2: I was giving it time, trying to work on my own feelings, and seeing whether H was going to keep his promises.
H was increasingly sullen when we met up, as if he couldn't be bothered keeping up the charm offensive.
Couples counselling became increasingly fraught, with H blaming me for our problems, blaming my family too. The T kept asking us both to apologise, so I had to say sorry to pdH (for verbally abusing me when I was pregnant?!)
H kept telling me that divorce would be terrible for the children, saying 'you really want to be a single mom? You know kids of single moms tend to be pretty messed up. How would you support them on your own anyway. I'm not giving you any money when it's your fault'
Month 3: pdH had had enough. No more romantic texts. He started issuing ultimatums. 'If you don't move back this weekend, I am DONE, I want a divorce.' I said I felt we needed more time to work on our relationship, he hadn't even begun therapy yet, so how could he possibly have changed? He dismissed this as ridiculous.
H enlisted the support of his pd parents, who pestered me by phone and email, telling me what an amazing person their son was, saying I was mad not to go back to him. They also used bible verses to guilt trip me (I was more religious at that time - they basically told me I would burn in hell for leaving my marriage)
H started saying that if I didn't go back he was 'moving on' which I took to mean he had his eye on someone else.
I felt so scared and vulnerable. My gut feeling was that I should not respond to bribery and threats. If H truly loved his wife and kids, he would endure the separation for as long as it took to make amends... right?!
Anyway, he issued a final ultimatum that if I did not move back, he was 'DONE' and I am ashamed to say I agreed.
After just 3 months, me and kids moved back. Things were better for the first few weeks. Mostly because it was nice to have our own home again (we had been staying with relatives). But pdH quickly deteriorated. And the craziness resumed.
I have been planning my exit since around last Christmas. Covid threw a spanner in the works, but I think I am ready now.
There is a window of opportunity opening up in a couple of weeks time... me and kids are going on holiday with some relatives (pdH not coming because he hates my family). I am thinking this could be a good opportunity to leave. We simply will not return to the house after the holiday. We will stay with family until we can either safely return to our home (once H has left) or until we find a place of our own.
I'm thinking if I follow this plan it will be better than last time (no rushed, panicked exit). We will be bringing most of the kids books, toys, clothes on holiday with us, so it will be a gentle way of breaking it to them. I have seen a L, and I am seeing a T.
Lessons I have learnt/things I will do different:
- no text contact with H
- no contact with my in laws - I am setting up a new email address so they cannot harass me
- absolute resolve not to go back
- keep seeing my T, work on building a network of friends who 'get it'
- let go of the FOG!
I have to accept that H will move on very quickly. I think this took me aback last time. Within 3 months, he clearly wanted to start dating again. I found this very hurtful, and it is one of the reasons I went back. I have to accept that this will happen. If I feel hurt, I just have to remember the hell I went through living with H.
When I left last time, I didn't know about this website. Now I have the support of all you lovely folks, I honestly feel much stronger. I know I can do this! Any thoughts appreciated. Do you think my plan for leaving after our holiday sounds viable?
Thanks everyone, and I hope you are having a good day.
There's an old saying that goes something like, when the window of opportunity opens, jump through.
Seems like this is evidence of a window opening. Now you just have to trust yourself in your decision making. Second-guessing yourself is something we all do, to a fault. Seems we often don't like admitting we are capable of doing something for ourselves, for a change. We've spent so much time and emotional energy catering to the PD we forget what it feels like to cater to ourselves. That's because we often give the PD the space in our head to talk for us. When your own voice talks, it can sometimes be hard to hear it or recognize it over the noise the PD is creating.
If you start having doubts, re-read what you've just written. Re-read what he's going to try to do to get you to come back, because he certainly will. Their needs always, always come first. They can't imagine life any other way, and yes, your in-laws are probably a large part of why your PDh is the way he is. But they will never admit that. Like for him, the decisions you make that don't benefit him will always be the wrong decisions.
The difficulties you encounter after you leave will be temporary. They may seem like forever, but that time will pass. Honestly, I'm a pretty insecure person, I don't like change and I constantly second-guess myself. But there have been a few times in my life when I just stop over-thinking things and cast my fate to the winds, if you will. And those decisions were always the right ones. I just let go and trusted my instinct about what I was going to do (since I never really do anything without thinking about it at some level, just sometimes that level is subconscious and hard to bring out). You have to trust yourself more than you trust the PD.
I'm glad you have a good plan for leaving and some support, EUMum. Thanks for sharing your story. It's helpful to see it in black and white. It was important for me to have something in writing to refresh the memory of why I should leave & never go back....for when he'd sweet talk me, implore, talk of suicide. Even so, the first time I left didn't stick. Keeping contact to the bare minimum has made a big difference this time, which ended up being no contact. Leaving has not been pain-free relief for me. But at least this hurt is something that will heal with time. The hurt and damage of staying while things got worse could never do that.