So I get this text from my neice( who is a single new mom who I’m trying to be there for”
“I'm ( my neice)busy with the baby . Grandma has not been able to get out of bed .go visit her if you want to see her again . Also she should have hospice to make her comfortable. I don't know I can't help .I'm busy with the baby I went by yesterday when I found out .
My sister , the golden child , who is living with her is apparently out with her boyfriend.
My mother like most her has been cruel. This has totally accelerated in the past ten years. I went Nc then Vic, then called after she got sick although I wasn’t treated right and she never called m, although I didn’t want her to call me. She called my nephew who went nc and begged him to see her. Meanwhile she said she forgot my number on my birthday when I finally called her at night. So finally this was my final rejection. I’ve had enough. I have no love, no sadness or loss. Don’t want to see her. She still hasn’t called me to say sorry or I love you or anything, I feel such anger such sadness from the hurt she caused. It’s 7 hours away. I don’t want to go
I was feeling ok before this but don't feel strong enough to go. Am I over reacting
You need to do whatever it is you need to do in order to protect yourself from further harm. You need to calmly put your own needs and wellbeing first. You can send your best wishes from afar, if that is what you want to do. Only you know what the abuse has been like.
You don't have to do idiot compassion. You may find this link to a webpage about a quote from Pema Chödron about "idiot compassion" helpful
https://quotes.justdharma.com/idiot-compassion-pema-chodron/ (https://quotes.justdharma.com/idiot-compassion-pema-chodron/)
I have a uBPD/NPD sister. I don't want to see her again. I've had enough. I have to look after myself and put my needs first. It's not selfish, it's survival. What I say to myself is I care but can't cope.
Be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best that you can.
Unfortunately some people are never going to change no matter how much we love and care about them. Some people are never going to be the people we expect them to be. It's all very sad.
Quote from: Ariel on September 18, 2020, 11:04:25 PM
I was feeling ok before this but don't feel strong enough to go. Am I over reacting
No, you aren't over reacting. Like guitarman wrote, protect yourself.
If this was me, I'd send a brief text to niece to say you're not involved with her so please don't send me anymore info about any of it. I mean, your sister is living with her! Just because sis is out with her boyfriend doesn't mean you have to get involved. If your mother lived alone I could see your niece's concern. Maybe your niece thinks sis isn't doing a great job helping out your mother but that isn't your problem.
Don't go, stay home and do something nice for yourself. It's ok to not get involved in this.
:hug:
thinking of you this morning.
it's ok to say no. if you do want to try to make some kind of final 'visit' if and only if you feel you need that your own closure because you know exactly what to expect from your mother and sister, maybe a facetime call to keep everyone safer in this time of covid?
I'm so sorry, Ariel. The lack of resolution is maddening, I know, but you are not instigating this -- you are responding to abuse. Do whatever you need to do to soothe your own soul. Hugs and blessings.
Ariel, I'm so sorry you're in this position. Your first responsibility is and will always be to yourself and your own well being. I'm not saying ignore others in need, but you know best what you can and can't do.
Your sister lives with mother but isn't getting her the care she needs, am I understanding that correctly? How is that then your responsibility from seven hours away? By all means, if she needs assistance do what you can to see she gets it. Does that mean YOU go there and be her caregiver at the expense of your own health? No. I'm not trying to be heartless here, but the distance is there for a reason and didn't just start with her illness.
Do what feels right for you from a place of compassion [for BOTH of you], not from fear obligation and guilt. If you're knotted up at the very idea of talking to her, I'm not sure what an actual visit would do for either of you.
If you are feeling FOG then these are not good reasons to go.
I think your niece has tried to press all of your fear, obligation and guilt buttons.
I think your mum probably pressed hers, and she's dumped all of that onto you.
I'm concurring with everyone else on here. Remember what you've been though, why you got out.
Also, a 7 hour journey during Covid? What??
I'm sending hugs x
Thanks for your advice and being there. So hard to talk or even respond. But thank you ❤️
So I decided to go see her in the hospital. I feel the end is near. I called her and of course she twisted everything around so it was my fault I didn't see her for over a hear. But she did say she wanted to see me. So I'm going to say my good byes. I'm going with my husband. Hopefully getting closure. Pray for strength for me and for peace for me and my mom. I'm going Saturday. Not feeling very peaceful with this but I'm going
I'll be thinking about you on Saturday Ariel. Please post here if you need support after the visit.
:grouphug:
We'll be here Ariel. You do what you need for yourself and try to not accept any guilt trips, not from your mother or anyone else. Holding your hand through this. :hug:
Every blessing for peace xoxo
Thinking about you on Saturday.🥰❤️
Thanks 😢 got me emotional. I'm scared and apprehensive. But she is an old lady right I am stronger. So. I'm thinking, I don't have the feeling to hug her, tell her I love her. I feel so walled off so disconnected. I just so want her to say I'm sorry and mean it . But I know it won't happen. So I'm sad , angry and also numb to her. I know it doesn't make sense but it's like I'm an observer to her, not connected
I'll be holding you and her in prayer. I hope you feel us with you as you're there.
Quote from: Ariel on September 23, 2020, 10:31:11 PM
Thanks 😢 got me emotional. I'm scared and apprehensive. But she is an old lady right I am stronger. So. I'm thinking, I don't have the feeling to hug her, tell her I love her. I feel so walled off so disconnected. I just so want her to say I'm sorry and mean it . But I know it won't happen. So I'm sad , angry and also numb to her. I know it doesn't make sense but it's like I'm an observer to her, not connected
It does make sense. Observing is healthy.
' Observe don't absorb' says Kris Godinez.
It's the detachment which offers you a protection.
I have to keep reminding myself that 'I am a grownup!' when speaking to UNPDfather.
I write it down and look at it!
Remember that it is enough that you are there. There's a Buddhist saying goes along the lines of this - when you visit someone, just be there. Your presence is enough for other people
. And this is a Buddhist talking! Buddhists love doing things for others. But primarily they rightly believe in honouring the self first.
You are honouring her just by being there.
Any sign of anything negative... well, if it were me I would make polite noises, and quickly leave.
Go without expectations either way.
Keep your medium chill head on, and you'll be absolutely fine.
After you've been, treat yourself with nice food, a film, however you choose.
Nurture that little girl inside you. xxxxx
Nanotechnology, that Is good advice. Honoring yourself- something I'm trying to work on. Still so easy to fall into the thinking that it's my fault, however my friends keep me grounded saying it's not and it's not normal. Thanks for all your words of encouragement. Does this ever end? Between Covid , my dad dying and this with my mom I have gained 15 pounds!
My hope for you is that you will not judge yourself for your feelings. Don't worry if you don't feel the "right" feelings. Whatever feelings you have, whether the ones sanctioned by society or the opposite, your feelings are valid and appropriate. Same for your actions in such a difficult scenario. If the scene is not what would be depicted as ideal in a movie, it does not matter. Do whatever is best for you in the moment.
Just because your niece tells you that you should see your mom doesn't mean you have to. What would be the point? She isn't going to apologize and if she did would it be sincere?
My kids get guilted by aunts and uncles to contact their father. They are done being disappointed by him so they just ignore and live their best life. You do the same.