Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Dealing with PD Parents => Topic started by: Justme729 on November 06, 2020, 06:49:52 PM

Title: Certain voices triggering
Post by: Justme729 on November 06, 2020, 06:49:52 PM
Iíve talked to my therapist before about this, but Iíd love some additional insight and experience.

Verbal abuse is something that happened often growing up.   My husband is generally an amazing person, but he is also his own worst enemy when it comes to parenting.   For example, he lets our toddler basically get away with murder.   He gives her his phone to watch a cartoon in the car going places.   Now she expects it.   She screams and screams until she gets her way.   He wonít stand firm and say no.   You can hear the frustration in his voice.  As my therapist said, it is a normal situation to be frustrated in.  He isnít saying anything derogatory and he isnít being abusive.   However, it triggers me every single time.   Itís a two fold- heís created the problem so why is he getting upset.   I mean yeah I know why- he let it happen.  I canít fix it.  The other side is, I still have some ptsd reaction to her screaming from early on with her.   It triggers an anxiety attack.  My heart starts beating fast, I get clammy,  I start pacing, etc.   He also is aware of this, so he also gives in. 

The frustration in his voice brings me right back to being a kid.  Obviously, itís OK for him to discipline and scold our children as needed.   Others in my FOO have said heís abusive and always angry and yelling at everyone.   Which doesnít exactly help.  They are known to make a mountain out of a mole hill.  We are generally a louder family.  But still.  It always makes me doubt my instincts.   Is it an issue, is it not, how the heck do I get him to get it together with the two year old?
Title: Re: Certain voices triggering
Post by: Danie on November 06, 2020, 08:00:38 PM
I think it's great you are addressing this and that you are so aware! I don't have children, but I've heard you need to be on the same page disciplining a child. She is only 2 and there are many years and situations to go so maybe he can get some help with his parenting.

I was also very abused mostly by my mother and her voice just triggers me to the moon. She is never going to be any different and I just suffer, I guess, after I deal with her. I think I've mostly just taken it out on myself afterwards by not loving myself and detaching.

It sounds like your main issue is your husband's parenting? I think it's helpful to sort out what is what here. Maybe the two of you can work together more on the toddler getting her way all the time and give yourself a lot of credit for being able to restrain yourself! Also, I would keep some better boundaries with with your family of origin. Wouldn't your husband feel a little betrayed if they knew what they thought of him? Isn't it none of there business anyway?
Title: Re: Certain voices triggering
Post by: Justme729 on November 06, 2020, 08:06:24 PM
Weíve been parenting 14 years.   Itís just his style.   Iím the disciplinarian and he gets to enjoy.   Then gets mad when they donít listen.  And yes.  I donít usually tell him what they say, not to keep it a secret, but because whatís the point?   I mean Iíve mentioned others find it upsetting when he yells.   He says, if the kids would listen I wouldnít have to yell.  Hubby says I yell, so why is it any different when he does.   I never intend to yell or raise my voice. 
Title: Re: Certain voices triggering
Post by: SparkStillLit on November 06, 2020, 09:24:34 PM
That's interesting, and I don't actually know the answer. When our kids were small, they would do the interrupting on the phone thing. I'd go so far as to shut myself in the bathroom when I was on the phone. They learned that they could not gain my attention in any way except with a true emergency while I was on the phone. I got to have peaceful conversations.
Updh otoh would roar "QUIT INTERRUPTING!!! I'M ON THE PHONE!!!!!" and other such things. I repeatedly suggested the method of ignoring the interruptions and not giving attention to it, but HE ignored THAT. I finally just let it go, and he NEVER EVER got uninterrupted conversation.
Our parenting remained different. His very reactive and punitive, mine more mellow and along the lines of "if nobody is harmed" and suffering natural consequences. I mitigated when possible.
My DD suffered more than my DS. Apparently.
My kids are almost-20 and almost-16.
ETA he was more mellow when they were smaller. Still with the reactive style, but it got way worse when they hit adolescence.
He also sets me up to be the "bad guy" with discipline....I mean, in my case we're talking about a PD so it's a huge hassle.
In your case, I don't know if it matters if styles are different, I think they are no matter WHAT. I personally think it's best not to yell. Sure, everyone loses their shit with toddlers from time to time, but you can apologise and have an age appropriate conversation about kind words or however you call it in your family.
Title: Re: Certain voices triggering
Post by: Danie on November 07, 2020, 01:21:19 PM
Getting yelled at is traumatic, as a child and an adult! My mother would yell all the time! She would "lose her shit" a lot. I can still hear it and remember the awful things she would say.

Dr. Phil always says it takes 5 atta-boys (or girls) to make up for one criticism of a child.