Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Friends, Neighbors, Acquaintances and Coworkers => Topic started by: Wilderhearts on November 07, 2020, 05:38:55 PM

Title: Possibly BPD friend
Post by: Wilderhearts on November 07, 2020, 05:38:55 PM
I’m starting to think that a friend has BPD.  I wrote about a very manipulative text that she sent me, which was a pretty cryptic, passive aggressive guilt-trip.  Very waify.  She’s often in crisis but manages to keep much of it to herself, except to tell me she’s suffering.  She doesn’t ask for support – a talk, a walk, a hug – or accept it when offered.

She’s using a lot of what I consider self-defeating and manipulative behaviours.  She gives not what she wants to give or others want to receive, but what she herself wants to receive.  It’s her way of saying “this is what I think you should do for me.”   When it doesn’t get her what she wants, she’s been victimized.  Our friendship has felt weirdly transactional – like we just exchange services and goods, emotional support being one of them.

I initially thought this was codependency and depression, but when I look at the bigger picture, she has PD patterns.  Anything she does for me, she has to get something out of.  It seems she offers or imposes large favours so she can demand emotional and social support in return, which is what someone I dated and wrote about here used to do.  Most people pegged him as AVPD or BPD.

Her texting pattern is the most telling – it’s utter emotional chaos.  She pivoted from a passive aggressive, victim-playing guilt-trip and cutting contact, to sending me a get-well-soon like text (she had said she was having an emergency when she cut contact – wouldn’t confirm she was safe), to sending me lovey-dovey texts and nauseatingly cute GIFs

I had withdrawn the month before her guilt-tripping in order to recover from a lot of toxic stress.  It could definitely be a reaction to perceived abandonment.  Aside from the other people in my life who almost certainly have PDs, she has some of the worst boundaries I’ve ever seen.

She’s one of the few people I’ve been seeing in person during the pandemic, and I don’t want it to stay that way.  I would prefer to talk to her about it face to face rather than text her we need distance in absence of healthy boundaries and her texting pattern is giving me whiplash.  I might just say I'm going to keep to myself as much as I did the month I "abandoned" her and our needs don't seem to be compatible.

Title: Re: Possibly BPD friend
Post by: Wilderhearts on November 08, 2020, 06:18:44 PM
Whoops - I thought my initial attempt to post this had failed (spotty, spotty internet here) but it was actually just on the common behaviours board.  Sorry for the double post!

Please redirect - https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=86425.0