Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Friends, Neighbors, Acquaintances and Coworkers => Topic started by: The New Me! on November 23, 2020, 12:03:13 PM

Title: Meeting with Managers to discuss Co-Worker
Post by: The New Me! on November 23, 2020, 12:03:13 PM
Hi, I posted on here a week or so ago about an irritating co-worker and her strange, offhand, snappy attitude.  I have been off work poorly for a week and am due to go back to work soon.

Have spoken to my Manager today - as I am naturally nervous about facing everyone at work.  I've now been told that we are having a meeting with my colleague and a Manager present to discuss our differences.  Apparently, she is unaware of any differences and has got very upset about it all.  I had a meltdown at work a week or so ago about her strange attitude towards me, which consequently led to me being off work for a week after speaking to my GP.  Has anyone any advice of how to deal with all this?  I feel as if I'm being blamed somehow.  I wonder if I've over-reacted, but I've felt uncomfortable in the office for quite a while now and found myself not wanting to go into work. Part of me wonders whether to go and see my GP and get signed off, to try and get over all this, because I now feel stressed out.  Any advice would be appreciated.  Thank you!
Title: Re: Meeting with Managers to discuss Co-Worker
Post by: GettingOOTF on November 23, 2020, 01:06:29 PM
I find that often when I feel I’m being blamed I’m not, it’s simply a trigger from my childhood where I was always blamed.

Your managers are likely handling it based on the HR guidelines where you work. I am in management and these things are not to apportion blame, they are to figure out how to resolve the issue and prevent law suits. Most managers simply want a team that functions well together.

I find in situations like this it helps me to write down my concerns. I then read from my list in meetings. I practice saying them out loud at home a few times.

For me it’s important not to react. I don’t think well “on my feet” so I make a point to listen and then take a breath and some time before responding.

It’s up to you if you want to get signed off again. This will likely just kick the issue down the road though.

I read somewhere that our feelings are all valid but they aren’t always correct. That helps me a lot in these situations.

I’d also spend some time thinking about what you want in terms of your job. I do t know your situation but for me some jobs are simply not worth the aggravation. There is nothing wrong with moving on if you decide to. You don’t have to resolve every situation to someone else’s liking. I would however spend some time working on how things unfolded. For me I was very reactive and also slightly paranoid about certain things. I find that the work environment can be very triggering as it’s so similar to the family environment in a lot of ways.
Title: Re: Meeting with Managers to discuss Co-Worker
Post by: JenniferSmith on November 26, 2020, 04:32:01 PM
If I were you, I would prepare a list of very specific behaviors of this co-worker (things that could be observed if someone was videotaping your interactions with this person), and how those affect your ability to do your tasks and responsibilities.

Give yourself empathy for the feelings this has caused you, but don't expect your manager to focus on them. You can validate your own emotions, and that will help you have a stronger mindset when you go into the meeting.

Prepare to keep your composure, be calm, and respectful throughout the meeting.  It feels personal, but try to remember that your co-workers problems are about them and who they are as a person, they're not about you. Your manager really only cares about how you're getting your job done. So show them that that is your focus too.

If you can remain composed and objective during this meeting (even if inside you are feeling stressed, fearful, angry, etc), that is going to make a positive impact on your manager, and make them more willing to hear what your complaints are.  It shouldn't be this way, but showing strong emotions in the workplace can lead to being judged.

A good blog to get sound advice about workplace problems is called Ask A Manager. There are literally thousands of entries there you can search by category.

Good luck!
Title: Re: Meeting with Managers to discuss Co-Worker
Post by: The New Me! on November 28, 2020, 02:36:05 PM

Thank you for the helpful comments.  I had a one to one meeting with my Manager and explained how she had made me feel and this has been dealt with.  The person in question has been a lot more 'human' and we'll see how long it lasts.  The good thing is I am now being moved into my permanent role in another area of the department - a different floor - in the new year, so the relief about that is enormous.  The past month has been very difficult and I think I can just about tolerate the situation now that I know I am moving on. :-)