Yesterday, I (virtually) received my Bachelor of Science in Nursing. My fiance and his parents worked so hard to make the day special for me. However, I still had this sadness over me because I didn't invite my dad to celebrate with us. I posted about it before, but my dad sent me many harsh text messages when he found out who I voted for in the presidential election. He said he was taking me off the health insurance, cut off my phone, no longer paying for our wedding venue or my dress. We cancelled the wedding and decided to elope. He called me a snowflake, said I was just like my mom (who is a drug addict and abandoned me at 12 years old), said I use people. He apologized to me. Still, I did not want to invite him into my home to celebrate, yet still felt guilt for it. I told him the day and time of my gradutation in early November. I don't even think he remembered or knows my graduation was yesterday. He never asked me about it, never said anything about having a graduation party. I dont have children but I can't imagine ever needing my child to remind me about their graduation. I would be so excited and put it on my calendar. I am experiencing a lot of anxiety over the thought of him finding out I had my graduation and didn't invite him over. I know that this will hurt him. However, I know that it shouldn't be expected of me to invite him into my house after he said all those hurtful words to me. I don't know how to proceed with a relationship with him. My father is not a good person to have a sit down conversation with. The only way I feel comfortable ever meeting with him again is with a counselor, which I won't be seeing until I get on my new health insurance.
Dear anniegreen,
The way your father is behaving is not loving or normal and I know how hard it is to finally come to terms with a parent who has no idea how to get out of their own a$$, excuse my language, and find a way to love their incredible, successful child. He sounds petty, jealous, controlling and vindictive and you do not need to manage his bad behaviour one moment longer. You are now a grown up and you decide who gets to be in your life and also in your head.
I understand your anxiety and someone reminded me yesterday how they train us from the beginning of our lives to behave, that is not in our interest, but in theirs.... and I personally do not appreciating his darkness throwing shade on your day. :no: Now it's time to begin to train yourself that it is ok to disappoint your father. It is up to him to manage his feelings and actions, not you. And if anyone disrespects you, you decide if they remain in your life, not the person who is hurting you and showing no signs of changing the bad behaviour.
Now. Congratulations on your Bachelor of Science in Nursing!!!
:fireworks:
Even with challenges, you have achieved such an amazing goal, and are now moving into a profession that is honourable and filled with purpose and goodness. You will bring solace to people's lives. May this bring you joy and a sense of bringing healing to this weary world. I'm so proud of you.
Remember that just because our parents may disappoint us and hurt, that doesn't mean everyone will. We are all here rooting for you. There are so many good people, and I can tell you are one of them. If you were my daughter I'd be beaming with pride and joy for you.
Quote from: anniegreen on December 11, 2020, 11:26:03 AM
I am experiencing a lot of anxiety over the thought of him finding out I had my graduation and didn't invite him over. I know that this will hurt him.
I totally get how you're feeling about this. I did (and still do) the same thing. I worry about how my uNPDmother will react to everything. I'm stressing about Christmas already. But there are times I feel anger at her for all she's done. I think in your case, it's perfectly acceptable to feel anger at your dad for how he acted. He acted horribly to you and the consequences of him finding out who you voted for are SO OVER THE TOP that I was shocked when I read your original post.
QuoteHowever, I know that it shouldn't be expected of me to invite him into my house after he said all those hurtful words to me. I don't know how to proceed with a relationship with him. My father is not a good person to have a sit down conversation with. The only way I feel comfortable ever meeting with him again is with a counselor, which I won't be seeing until I get on my new health insurance.
You most definitely don't need to invite him to your house for any reason. That's your safe space, don't let him taint it. I suggest not bothering with a relationship with him right now and maybe from here on out. You're right, he isn't a good person or a good person to have a conversation with. Would you ever react in that way if your child told you who they voted for? No way, that's not how loving people react.
Congratulations on your Nursing degree. That's a huge accomplishment!!! :cheer: :applause: Enjoy your fiancé and his parents and please don't put energy and thought into people who hurt you. You are worth so much more than being treated that way by your father.
You said he cut off your health insurance and all of his other financial support for you. You know your own father best, but when I read it I have a different take on why and how he's lashing out.
You said you gave him the date and time of your graduation in early November. He lashed out over your vote. I know the vote was also in early November is that when he learned about and lashed out over your vote?
Perhaps what he was lashing out about wasn't really the vote? Did he do a lot of yelling about "that's not how I raised you!" maybe?
Maybe he sees you about to graduate and get married and sees his control over you slipping away.
He cut all your supports. What outcome was he hoping for there? Was he hoping you'd run right back to him and beg him to keep taking care of you?
I'm reading into things from a big distance with minimal information, but that's the subtext I see when I read everything you said.
I think taking a lot of space from him right now is a good idea. You should be very proud of YOU and everything you've done. You've obviously overcome a lot to get there. Spread your wings and enjoy your adulthood.
The irony is that he's probably cut all his tethers for you. His support was a method of control—that's how he was using it when he took it away. He's freed you, so be free.
Enjoy the success you've earned yourself and take the time to build yourself back up. Don't face him again until you feel strong enough that he can't hurt you anymore.
Quote from: Hepatica on December 11, 2020, 12:49:09 PM
If you were my daughter I'd be beaming with pride and joy for you.
Same here - you have achieved an important milestone in your life. Take pride in this moment!!! Meanwhile, my DS just realized last night that there is a virtual college graduation he could have attended today if he had signed up in time. Don't even get me started on the differences between sons and daughters :stars:
Given your father's behavior, it sounds like low contact is the best way to go. It is sad, but your father is not going to change. And you get to choose who to spend your time with. As a nurse, you're going to be busy. So don't waste your time on someone who does not deserve it.
Enjoy your successes with those you love and with those who love you back!
Annie,
I just wanted to say
CONGRATULATIONS!!
What a huge accomplishment! I know getting such a degree took a LOT of very hard work and determination. And look how much we all need nurses now. They are truly saving the world. I read an article recently where, in a Covid ward, the doctors don't even go into the rooms at all. All the care and essential human contact is provided by the nurses, at a patient's most vulnerable time. Y'all are my heroes.
I agree with the others that your dad's behavior is a reflection on HIM, not on you. And he won't change, no matter what tiny glimpses of hope you might have from time to time. Your major transitions (getting married, starting your professional career, maybe a family....) are all a very good time to make some changes and dial your contact with your dad way back. He will get upset, and that's fine. Those are his emotions to manage. You have a full plate already. Look forward, not back. It's time for your life to really begin. Embrace it fully, and once you make room for all the wonderful people and experiences ahead of you, there won't really be much room left over for a petty, narcissistic, vindictive family member.
Very best wishes!!