pulling this title from another post
this seemed to be my theme growing up as I tried my best to not be SG & to be "worthy"
I did everything asked & then some
worked my butt off to get good grades, hoping for recognition
alas, they heavily praised sibling who raised grades from Cs to Bs
"what about me?" I asked ...."oh, you always get As" PD parent said
No "good job" or praise for anything
wonder why I didn't just give up & stop trying as a child
we expect to be valued from a parent & then there's hope....I always hoped for better
now I realize it was impossible to "ever be good enough"
one can't ever be good enough if you're the SG
but dang it! I am good enough!
any other SG's relate?
Yes, you are more than good enough! Well done for getting all of those good grades and working hard without any outside encouragement. I bet you are very self-motivated to learn now as an adult.
This was very much my experience too. I'd come home with an A, and I'd be told that it was nothing because at my level, anyone could easily get an A. Even though GC was failing or getting Cs. One time in university I got the top in my class, but apparently that was because of "feminazi" teachers giving better grades to female students. And I'd be made fun of while studying, because apparently I should be smart enough to pass without studying. They even implied I was lazy because I was "sitting around all day." Even while cleaning up after GC and getting in trouble if I didn't clean their piles of dishes in time.
Going on a bit of a rant here, but in general I do wish we as a society would be more encouraging towards gifted (and even average) students, and that teachers had more resources to check up on them. Just because someone is consistently getting As and participating in class, doesn't mean they aren't struggling. A lot of gifted people can end up as under-achievers, which is a terrible loss to them and society.
I totally understand, Jolie. Same thing happened to me when I was a kid. Even though I was an over-achiever and did exceptionally well in school it was never good enough for Nmom. I'm sure it's that way for all of us who were SGs. My earliest memories are of learning to read as a small child (younger than average for reading), and Nmother telling me that I wasn't reading well enough. PD parents start messing with our heads at such young ages that there's just no way to not be affected by it.
I'm 60 now and still have to work at telling myself that I am good enough. Often if a co-worker or neighbor doesn't want to hang out with me I blame myself for not being good enough for them. What goes into our heads as a child is difficult (if not impossible) to fully remove.
Whatever self-esteem issues we may have aren't our fault. It was done to us and it was done on purpose. Therapy has helped me a lot, though these boards have done more to help than any therapist ever has.
Be kind to yourself. I'm sending you a big hug and telling you that you are good enough!
:hug:
I was also that kid: the overachiever.
Until this past year, it continued into adulthood and it resulted in a devastating body and soul burnout....existential depression. (Some call it a dark night of the soul... but I digress.)
None of my achievements were ever really celebrated. I graduated University on the honour list and still nothing. I've now come to realize that my upd mother saw me as *an extension of herself* and not as my own person, so it makes sense to me from that perspective, since deep down she hates herself so much.
thank you for your replies Janeite, JustKathy, ShyTurtle
all of you did great in school....good for you!
agree Janeite about encouraging students
back @ you JustKathy....you are good enough!
ShyTurtle
hope you come out of your depression/burnout soon & see light at the end of the tunnel
Jolie40, yes, I totally relate. The thing is though, you are good enough.
That thought may have been projected onto you at a young age because if you believed it things were easier for others. The feeling though becomes quite real because sometimes the deck is stacked in a way to ensure you don't ever quite get to "enough" for them. You did not do anything wrong, and none of it was ever your fault.
You said you did not give up though. Good for you. Maybe somewhere inside you knew something was just not right about this. You now have awareness of what it was. You can let go of the baggage that was never yours, and embrace all of your strengths that were always there. You can now heal.