Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Friends, Neighbors, Acquaintances and Coworkers => Topic started by: Sapling on February 27, 2021, 06:57:58 PM

Title: Flatmate Situation- Could be PD or Non
Post by: Sapling on February 27, 2021, 06:57:58 PM
I started talking about this is a previous post called "Getting Triggered by Nons Who Don't Realise They Are Enablers" in the 'Working on Us' Board:

To cut a long story short, the first night my new flatmate moved in we had a conversation that disturbed and triggered me where I noticed them defending the views of a known N ( a public figure) and I could not sleep that night and was not ok the next day. I posted here because I was not sure why this person couldn't see the obvious harm this N was doing and was defending them so much.

Since then, I have felt a bit depressed at home (despite the flatmate being very considerate, jovial and nice to me in so many ways). It took me a long time to find a flatmate and covid didn't help. It has not been an easy situation over the last year and I've had a lot of housing insecurity and heartbreak in close friendships too.

Last week, we got into another discussion that escalated into a full blown argument when they again tried to push the same views onto me. I noted that this person is actually using PD tactics in their arguments (mainly DARVO). They could not accept anything I said, could not conceded any points, just met anything I said with "that may be true but..." and just kept on going.

I should also mention that I am 12 years older than my flatmate and am a pretty widely read person. Many of his arguments are laughable but because he is so ignorant he is confident in his opinions. He kept baiting me into conversations about highly charged topics like gender inequality or the criminal justice system (despite his obvious naivete about those subjects) and then denying that anything I said as a valid argument because apparently I wasn't "objective" and didn't "understand facts". He morphed into an incredible arrogant person and talked down to me, when he has no qualifications or credentials that would make such a tone even remotely reasonable. He studied classical piano and has no basic knowledge/education in any of the sciences or social sciences yet confidently talked down to me about things that I have not only studied but personally experienced.

I am giving him notice tomorrow. He will have to be out within 90 days. (That is the legal requirement here- my preference would be 60 days).

I am posting this here so I stick to my guns because after our argument the other day he also apologized (for "being insensitive") but then tried to get me to see how I was wrong for "misconstruing" his views. I thought this was highly manipulative and the apology was not very deep or sincere. I thought it was a sneaky way of rehashing the conversation after I clearly said- "I'm not having this conversation with you anymore".

After the apology and the second conversation I told him that his views were a deal-breaker for me, and he said innocently "I"m not sure what you think my views are.." after he had CLEARLY ARTICULATED EXACTLY WHAT HE THOUGHT IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS in our argument. I told him that we were not going to work long-term as flatmates and it would be good for him to find a share house with his own peer group. I said, the only thing left for us to do was to maybe have a think about time frames. He then said "you seem to think that you're on some higher plain to me but you're not explaining how." I refused to JADE and just said, I'm sorry its just not going to work.

I don't know if this person is a PD or if they are just so ignorant that they are mimicking the PDs who spout the nonsense they've been reading and watching on you tube. (They seem too naive to be a real N, for example). Either way I'm pissed  >:(

Also ( and I hope this doesn't sound crazy!) two weird things happened after the argument. Although I couldn't sleep much of that night I realised that the depression I felt in the weeks preceding that argument was lifting and that there must have been some sort transference going on whenever they insisted on these views they kept pushing and whenever I let it go. As soon as I gave it back to them, I felt like myself again. The other thing that happened was that I had a dream in the early morning about my uPD sister and my uHPD friend (the reason I came to this forum in the first place). In my dream I was screaming at them at a party, telling them off for all the horrible things they had done to me, and saw in their laughing faces, how little they cared about me. In the dream, they had other friends come and pick them up from the party and I was left wandering the party on my own, with no wallet, having to rely on the kindness of strangers to get me home. It was a pretty intense and vivid dream and I wonder if it is telling me something about this current situation.

I've talked it over with my T who agreed that my flatmate might be spouting his views and acting arrogantly in the moment but might be quite lost underneath and truly unable to figure out what is going on. But she also said, that's not my problem and I need to just see how I feel over the next few days and then make my decision. I have decided to give him his notice. I am disgusted by his ignorance and his arrogance. And the way he spoke to me was absolutely unacceptable. Even if he doesn't get it, he needs to go.
Title: Re: Flatmate Situation- Could be PD or Non
Post by: Amadahy on February 28, 2021, 02:27:15 PM
I don't blame you one bit, sapling!  Your home has got to be a place of calm and refuge. I hope his departure is uneventful and you can relax.
Title: Re: Flatmate Situation- Could be PD or Non
Post by: Boat Babe on February 28, 2021, 04:44:50 PM
You've just done boundaries like a total BOSS ! That's admirable.

From your description, his behaviour is utterly typical of Cluster B traits. Till he leaves, hide valuables and guard your laptop and phone.

Again, Bravo!
Title: Re: Flatmate Situation- Could be PD or Non
Post by: Happytobefree on February 28, 2021, 05:44:56 PM
Well done, sapling!  I'm impressed that you didn't JADE during the 2nd argument.  He sounds exhausting!

Title: Re: Flatmate Situation- Could be PD or Non
Post by: Sapling on February 28, 2021, 09:45:23 PM
Yep! Boatbabe and freetobehappy, he reacted to the notice like a typical Cluster B.
Told me he didn't know what to say because I wouldn't "come half way." Said that he apologized for crossing my boundaries but I didn't apologize for crossing his boundaries by "misconstruing" his viewpoint. Told me I was "cutting off his legs" (whatever that means) when I gave him THREE MONTHS to find a new place. And then said, he was happy to live with people with different values  but If I wasn't "open minded enough" to do that, then that was my problem.
And then finally (and my favourite part) was when I told him I was going to the library for the day so he could have the place to himself for the day and process this news, he said "I've processed. You need to process." I have notified my neighbours and the real estate so that they all know what's happening.
I am determined to PD proof my life!
Title: Re: Flatmate Situation- Could be PD or Non
Post by: clara on March 05, 2021, 01:47:42 PM
Sounds like he's playing for time but you didn't fall for it.  Of course he'd "apologize" and try to make you feel guilty for what you're doing.  PDs never stop manipulating.  I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he's scrambling for what to do now, but he wants to make his issues yours.  He will likely get worse before he's gone.

And I second that you secure any valuables.  PDs have a great sense of entitlement, and that includes your possessions.  He will likely feel you "wronged" him so stealing from you is, in his mind, a type of payback.  (An experience I had when I asked a NPD boyfriend to move out as well as experiences with my NPD exh after we separated).
Title: Re: Flatmate Situation- Could be PD or Non
Post by: Sapling on March 08, 2021, 04:24:01 AM
Thanks Clara. In the last week I have found "PDs never stop manipulating" to be very, very true. The thing with this guys is that he is not a sophisticated manipulator so everything he says/does looks very transparent. The other day, two days after I gave him notice, he tried to start a conversation with me that began with "I've been thinking about you a lot lately..." I nearly sprained my face from the inner eye roll. And he tried to to tell me that he was just trying to understand me. I said- there was no need for him to understand me and I wasn't going to help him understand me either, to which he replied "you could at least give me a clue!" I have had the EXACT SAME experience with all other PDs in my life except that the others have been more sophisticated at conveying this basic distortion: that I am some super complex human being with extremely unusual needs that are unreasonable to meet. In reality I'm a pretty straightforward person and I think it's just a way of shifting blame. Anyway, things are a bit awkward in the house and I hope he finds a place soon. I will definitely take everyone's advice on hiding valuables.
Title: Re: Flatmate Situation- Could be PD or Non
Post by: ShyTurtle on March 15, 2021, 03:40:17 PM
In my circles, anyone who has supported a certain public figure N has turned out to be abusive and manipulative person who is best avoided.

One example: my ex was THAT person, and when I left he turned out to be a stalker. I had to get the police involved. He is an undiagnosed npd and bpd imho. I know I should be diagnose others, but with my knowledge and minimal education, it had become glaringly obvious. My first tip off was his deep admiration of a certain orange-faced Anerican N.

There are others like him who have also been hurtful and manipulative to me and people I know.

Kudos to you for seeing the signs and taking a stand. I hope it all works out for you!