Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Dealing with PD Parents => Topic started by: Justme729 on March 09, 2021, 09:25:34 AM

Title: Sharing experiences with your children
Post by: Justme729 on March 09, 2021, 09:25:34 AM
How much or little do you share with your children about your PD parent?   My PD parent was suicidal - but it wasn’t the “I want to die” it was “nobody is paying attention to me.”  It was usually after someone set a boundary with her. They wouldn’t give into her demands.  She’d attempt.   They’d feel sorry for her and she would get what she wanted.   I am not saying that to discount her mental health or depression.   However for over 10 years she followed this cycle.   Anytime someone told her no or she didn’t get what she wanted.   

Anyways-  my daughter is dating a boy who lost his mother to suicide.   My daughter is very overwhelmed with her course load.   Remote learning and quarantine is getting to get.   She has texted him some things that raise my red flags.   Things like “what’s wrong with me”, “I never do anything right” and so on.   We talked to her and she’s just really overwhelmed with school.   I told her it’s OK to feel overwhelmed, but it might be scaring her boyfriend to hear those things.   He’s been pulling away and this is a boy she really likes.  She doesn’t realize why he’s being distant.   

We made a plan to help my daughter and give her more support, to feel less overwhelmed.   Helped her to brainstorm other word choices to articulate her feelings.   She isn’t receptive to seeing a therapist, but she is dealing with a little depression.   I struggle though because she’s a teenager know and doesn’t just take me at my word like she used too.   She wants to know more.   My mom is being treated for bipolar, she’s doing better.   However, the PD stuff is still there.   She doesn’t want my girls to know her past.   She knows that her grandma used to be a very different person when I was a kid.  She also knows she was in an abusive relationship.  I’ve never really told her the details.  The why.   I feel like I’m this case, she really needs to know more to understand why this boy she’s know since 6 is pulling away by what she is saying and not even realizing it. 
Title: Re: Sharing experiences with your children
Post by: Sneezy on March 10, 2021, 01:59:40 PM
Depression is not uncommon in college students.  I suspect with the way covid has changed things, it might be more common now than it has been in the past.  Every family is different, and so what worked for us may not work for you.  But when our college son became depressed, DH and I told him that he had to see a therapist as a condition of us continuing to pay his tuition and other college-related expenses.  Not forever, but he had to give therapy a serious try.  And it helped and he is now doing fine. 

As far as how much to share with your daughter, I think you can start out broadly and get more detailed if she seems interested or wants to know more.  Explain the basics of your parent's bipolar disorder and PD and then see what questions your daughter has.  Let her interest and questions guide you. 

Finally, the relationship between your daughter and her boyfriend may or may not work out, and it may or may not have anything to do with his family or your family.  There's just no way to predict these things.  It's hard when our children get their heart's broken.  We want to protect them, but I think the best we can do is be there to support them and help them work through it (if they want our help).  As difficult as it is, sometimes all we can do is sympathize and listen and be ready to supply hugs and chocolate to get through it.
Title: Re: Sharing experiences with your children
Post by: Jolie40 on March 10, 2021, 04:16:44 PM
boy could be pulling away for any number of reasons even something to do with him
sharing details of grandma may burden her further & make her think she's destined to be like her?

child was getting sad with pandemic & online schooling, also
suggested husband/child go to inn after we got coupon (they went twice)
signed child up for more online fun activities such as clubs which has helped, also

after getting away, child said "feel much better"
they went Sun/Mon so inn not busy & had pool to themselves