Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Dealing with PD Siblings and other Family Members => Topic started by: Ilove.... on April 17, 2021, 03:24:58 PM

Title: Possible anxiety from abuse
Post by: Ilove.... on April 17, 2021, 03:24:58 PM
I had to deal with a lot over the past few years since my sister and I fell out.

She fell out with one brother and cut contact with him nearly 8 years ago. He was working away at the time and made up a wrong story about home working abroad.  She was upset because he wasn't contacting home much and she took it badly and also wrong.   They fell out because of some bad messages she sent him. She wanted him to fix it all with apologies and invitations.  She placed the ball in his court even though she was never able to own her own part in it.  The reason they are estranged today is because she placed so much needless blame on his back.

Then we fell out over a different matter. Again there was a lot of blame my way and history of old rows from when we were growing up even though she would have had her own part in all them.  There was a lot of blame my way.  She estranged herself from me but then over the years, she started harassment towards me.  I felt for a long time that a lot of it was for control.   She sent a lot of bad stuff my way.   

She fell out with other members of the family too.  She made so much drama out of non events. They too all had their share of harassment, punishment and revenge. 

Here we are all these years later.  The appropriate professionals never helped us. The police said it was a civil matter.   Some solicitors washed their hands of us. 

She has started to rear her head again.  The abuse she sends our way is on and off.   I made new contact with several different solicitor offices in my city in the home that someone with help me with taking a civil case.  At this stage, I need to do this for peace.

A lot of the harassment and abuse was electronic communications.  I have old phones stored away.   I took them out today and charged the phones and honestly I began to shake and feel sick knowing what was stored away in all of them.  I couldn't turn them on.  I just can't face them.

I also need to find a solicitor and sort this out.  I'm dreading turning on my old phones to look up the evidence.   There was so much deranged messages in them all.   I can't do it.   I am hoping maybe on Monday a solicitor will get back in touch with me.

Title: Re: Possible anxiety from abuse
Post by: Thru the Rain on April 17, 2021, 03:46:22 PM
This sounds like a terrible situation, I'm sorry this has happened to you in the past and seems to be starting again.

You don't need to share any more information than what feels comfortable, but based on your post would it be possible to block her on your cell phone and social media, and just remove yourself from her abuse?

Even though she's a sibling, you don't have to communicate with her, even passively by receiving texts or voice messages.
 
Title: Re: Possible anxiety from abuse
Post by: Ilove.... on April 17, 2021, 04:11:23 PM
This sounds like a terrible situation, I'm sorry this has happened to you in the past and seems to be starting again.

You don't need to share any more information than what feels comfortable, but based on your post would it be possible to block her on your cell phone and social media, and just remove yourself from her abuse?

Even though she's a sibling, you don't have to communicate with her, even passively by receiving texts or voice messages.

The necessary precautions were taken.   She is blocked.  Numbers changed.  Social media limited.   That goes for all the family too.   We all took necessary precautions. 

It's not that the abuse from her is starting again. It was always there in the background.   The abuse took an 'on and off' way for over half a decade.   She starts, she quietens, she starts again and she quietens.  She must be dealing with triggers in her own real life that she feels the need to lash out over and over again.

The issue now is that she's so desperate to hurt us, to shame us, to humiliate us, she goes down other routes and avenues and other people.  For instance, just this week she sent new messages to my employer.  Another time she remembered friends from our brothers and found them on Facebook and started sending them bad messages.   All the blocking in the world doesnt get around the stuff she's doing now - contacting other people, signing the family up for mails like free hearing aids advertisements and bibles.   A lot of the stuff doesn't hurt us like the mail and post stuff.   It's slightly annoying and somewhat upsetting in that, that's the way she is choosing to spend her time.  When she drags other people into the mess, that's when it hurts us.

I feel sick lately and I am finding it hard to sleep at night noe too since she started it up again and is directing her anger at my employer. It wasn't the first time she did it either. Not only that, I feel I need to defend myself.  I actually feel sick at the thought of it all. She's never happy or satisfied with any of her acts of revenge.

She's free to live her life away from the family she hates so much, I don't know why she isn't. 
Title: Re: Possible anxiety from abuse
Post by: Ilove.... on April 17, 2021, 04:21:47 PM
I also have some new fresh anxiety thinking -

Has she stopped her recent round of smearing dirt or is she still doing it.  I don't know why my employer hasn't blocked her yet and I am somewhat upset and angry in that my employer has chosen not to block her, almost waiting for dirt on me. 
The first time my sister made contact with my employer - my employer gave out to me and wanted to know - what sort of mental health do I have? She was placing weight into all of the dirt my sister was sending her. My employer never saw all the deranged stuff that lives on my old phones. 

I have anxiety now thinking - is she still smearing me?   I am now also somewhat angry too because I have a lot of stuff saved from my sister, that is just deranged ramblings and other stuff. The sister wasn't shy when she was sending me naked pictures of her body showing me who owns a better a body.  Why is she concealing that from my employer?  Is she as open to her open and is she informing her own employer? She won't do that?
Title: Re: Possible anxiety from abuse
Post by: Thru the Rain on April 17, 2021, 05:55:43 PM
I'm sad to hear the extent of her behavior! I would have anxiety too.

I'm not sure I have any practical advice, but there may be others on the forum here who've had experience with this sort of behavior who can help.

You mentioned working with a solicitor. I'm in the US, so I'm not 100% sure how much a solicitor is similar to a lawyer, but in the past I had a lawyer send a "cease and desist" letter to a neighbor who's animals were allowed to run free in our yard and leave droppings there. It got the neighbor's attention - but her problem was being careless. I would be worried that a letter of that nature might escalate the situation with your sister, rather than stop her behavior.

The only other thing that comes to my mind is to practice a form of "grey rock" with your employer. If they see you're not bothered by rumors and innuendo, if you just shrug and roll your eyes at your sister's antics, your employer may give less weight to crazy things your sister may share. (So much easier said than done, I know!)
Title: Re: Possible anxiety from abuse
Post by: Ilove.... on April 17, 2021, 06:36:56 PM
I'm sad to hear the extent of her behavior! I would have anxiety too.

I'm not sure I have any practical advice, but there may be others on the forum here who've had experience with this sort of behavior who can help.

You mentioned working with a solicitor. I'm in the US, so I'm not 100% sure how much a solicitor is similar to a lawyer, but in the past I had a lawyer send a "cease and desist" letter to a neighbor who's animals were allowed to run free in our yard and leave droppings there. It got the neighbor's attention - but her problem was being careless. I would be worried that a letter of that nature might escalate the situation with your sister, rather than stop her behavior.

The only other thing that comes to my mind is to practice a form of "grey rock" with your employer. If they see you're not bothered by rumors and innuendo, if you just shrug and roll your eyes at your sister's antics, your employer may give less weight to crazy things your sister may share. (So much easier said than done, I know!)

I'm doing OK.   I try to push it all to the back of my mind and live my life and work on hobbies in my spare time and that helps.   When the latest new stunt, new anxiety has emerged. It will hopefully settle in time.

I don't know what her aim is. To hurt me perhaps.   But it's not really going to hurt me.  The worst that will come about is that I get the sack but I will rise above it and see it as an opportunity for new beginnings.   So it's not going to hurt me very much.  Getting my name dirtied and tarnished is hurtful.  To have my character questioned and all based on someone who can't be honest.

I would imagine that solicitors would be the same as lawyers.    That crossed my mind alright.  That absolutely crossed my mind would a 'cease and desist' letter make her more angry and make her to escalate her bitterness and revenge.  A number of years ago I went to the local police station and the officer said usually a phone call from an officer is enough to stop this type of stuff and he took her details and agreed to give a call.   I don't know what happened with the call.   I missed a call and when I tried to follow it up, I kept missing the officer I dealt with.   When I went back again a few months later, I was talking to a different officer and he told me that it's a civil matter. I can't remember the name of the original officer.  I remember the weekend after the officer was due to call her - she literally bombed my phone. 
It crossed my mind that sending her a legal letter while I consider an injunction and it's costs, would escalate her behaviour.   

I want all of this to stop and that is the main thing.  I just want to live in peace.  That's all.  I work hard and I am trying to keep my head above water. I thought about a mediatior as an option but that's not an option for me.  I don't want to meet with someone who can't meet any other person half way.  I never meant to fall out with her or hurt her feelings. There's no room in my life someone who sees bad in everything and there's no room in my life for someone so poisonous.   

I do have a small bit of consolidation in that the boss asked - is there something wrong with her? I explained that I suspect there's something but is don't know what.
Title: Re: Possible anxiety from abuse
Post by: Leonor on April 17, 2021, 06:49:19 PM
Hi Llover,

A boss who would tolerate *anyone* smearing his/her employees at work is not a good boss. Period.

If it's a criminal matter, then s/he can refer the complaint to the authorities, but even that will leave him/her vulnerable to charges of slander.

If your boss approaches you again, stand up for yourself like a Boss. "I'm sorry someone I know interrupted our workday. If you have concerns about my performance on the job, we can move up my employee evaluation. Otherwise, we can legally restrict this person from the premises."

This is your sister who is related to you but is not you. Her behavior is not about you. Your boss is wrong to throw it towards you and you have no duty to assume any responsibility for defending yourself, keeping her away or protecting your boss from her, no more than if it were a random person on the street.

And you are certainly under no obligation to explain your family history or discuss your mental health!

You keep your boundaries and make that clear to all and sundry. Not
 My. Problem.

Of course if you get along well with your boss you can just say, "oh, didn't I mention the #@$& up family on my CV?"

 ;)