Hi, I'm new here. I left my BPD wife 2.5 months ago after 30 years together. Long story-short version is I reached my limit, our child is finally an adult, and I want to live a life of my own before I die. Last week, she tried to commit suicide and ended up with a 72h hold. She's currently inpatient, but I know she is trying to get out as soon as possible, and is very good at snowing and manipulating people so she probably will get out. Although she's never been violent, there are indications that I should be at least moderately concerned for my safety. So many deeply screwed up things she's done since I left have become clear over the last few days. It would take too long to describe it all and I feel so overwhelmed right now. I've tried to be really kind and fair during the separation, and now I'm concerned that I just need file ASAP for divorce, but serving papers in a psych ward seems unbelievably cruel. Anyone been in this situation or similar?
Welcome. I'm sorry for what brings you here. I was married to someone with BPD who was also hospitalized. It was incredibly stressful.
Do you have an attorney? I'd speak to them. I doubt it's legal to serve someone when they are on a psych ward. I wouldn't do this for no other reason than she will have a good case to go back to court and challenge the terms of the divorce. She can say she wasn't able to make rational decisions and it's likely a judge would agree with her. People can go back to court and dispute the terms of the divorce at any point in the future. Any point! My attorney's focus was on making our agreement iron clad. It's in there that I offered to pay for an attorney for him to get the papers looked over as he said he didn't want one. My attorney said him not having an attorney would make it more likely he could go back and renegotiate later. If the judge agreed everything I made since the divorce could be on the table.
Get an attorney and do what they say. That's what I wish I'd done. Don't let anyone shame you in to giving her another chance. Use this time she is away to protect your assets and start the process of legally separating and divorcing.
Stick around here and read what you can. There is a lot of great advice and support here.
Thanks for your advice and encouragement, GettingOOTF. I did speak to a lawyer who told me very little good news. I have good reasons to believe that her suicide attempt was not genuine. She quit working the day I left so we've lost nearly half of our household income and are still supporting our adult child to finish college. I have no idea how I'm going to support all 3 of us on my income. I've been reading the boards and that's been really helpful. Thanks again for your reply!
Quote from: underthebridge on May 30, 2021, 07:20:34 AM
Thanks for your advice and encouragement, GettingOOTF. I did speak to a lawyer who told me very little good news. I have good reasons to believe that her suicide attempt was not genuine. She quit working the day I left so we've lost nearly half of our household income and are still supporting our adult child to finish college. I have no idea how I'm going to support all 3 of us on my income. I've been reading the boards and that's been really helpful. Thanks again for your reply!
Hello underthebridge,
I'm so very sorry you are experiencing this. I don't have experience in your situation, but have a good friend who did and I was there for him in friendship through the ordeal.
You wrote "... are still supporting our adult child to finish college. I have no idea how I'm going to support all 3 of us on my income."
My questions are;
1. If your BPDw's income was used to support the family and therefore yourself, then why do you believe you are responsible for now providing her portion of the income? Sure, if certain assets need her income (house/car/other) in order to stay in your current asset situation, then understood. But, I'm expecting you will move forward with divorce when legally able, and therefore it may be now that you consider that only you and your college child's expenses are your responsibility. Therefore, you may also have to suffer through some asset changes, (where legally able) to afford living on your solo salary. Otherwise, your BPDw is going to continue to use her lack of work income as a source of control on you.
2. Since your child in an adult and in college and given the situation with your BPDw, my opinion is that it is also a time where the child is going to need to experience change as well, being more financially self-supportive in college, given the circumstances. Many young adults must work while in college and even pay for all part of their higher education. Even though you may have been able to pay for much in the past, the situation has abruptly changed for both you and your child. In addition, the adult child's self-supporting proactiveness also shields the adult child from financial BPD control from the mother.
SoT