Out of the FOG

Getting Started => The Welcome Mat => Topic started by: magnetron on May 24, 2021, 09:54:04 AM

Title: Hello! Processing abusive upbringing
Post by: magnetron on May 24, 2021, 09:54:04 AM
Hello. I am a man in my 50s, I have been looking at OOTF for years, in particular the forum, to help manage my emotions relating to an abusive upbringing. Both my parents were emotional abusers throughout my childhood and beyond, and I feel my mum is particularly toxic. Dad died years ago but mum is still alive. I think she has many narcissistic traits which I’ll describe in due course. In the past she got her way through being aggressive, nowadays she plays the endearing waif. I have fairly minimal contact with her or the rest of the family. 

I did confront my mother about her behaviour via email several years ago. I had expected a number of possible responses, but what I was not prepared for was how fundamentally dishonest she would turn out to be. She just lies about what happened, alongside all the invalidation (“you’re too sensitive” etc). She has not shown any empathy whatsoever, or taken any responsibility for her actions. What’s more, she has got my brother and his wife to lie on her behalf. I get the “she is a much loved blah blah blah” which dishonestly ignores the fact that the number of friends one has does not provide a single shred of evidence that the person did not abuse their children.

I no longer expect things to change, I’m not as acutely angry as I used to be. However this is now giving a clearer perspective of the more insidious ways my mum undermined me when I was young. So I’ve decided to register here at last in order to describe some of what happened and get others’ perspectives to help process those emotions.
Title: Re: Hello! Processing abusive upbringing
Post by: Starboard Song on May 24, 2021, 10:20:14 AM
Welcome to OOTF! You are in the right place.

Processing anger: experiencing it, respecting it, and then being in a new place without so much of it -- that is good for your soul.

It sounds like you've found the Toolbox (https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro/). That's great. Read, read, read. And when you are ready, share, share, share.

See you on the boards!
Title: Re: Hello! Processing abusive upbringing
Post by: magnetron on May 24, 2021, 03:46:33 PM
Thank you! Yes, I've looked at the resources and thought over them a lot. I'm still a long way off though, my brother's dishonesty actually gets me more angry than my mum's much of the time now, and I feel the need to JADE even though it's never actually done any good.