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Getting Started => The Welcome Mat => Topic started by: WhydoIkeeptrying on June 15, 2021, 10:58:48 PM

Title: Narcissistic adult son
Post by: WhydoIkeeptrying on June 15, 2021, 10:58:48 PM
Hello, my son is 36 and definitely has a PD (very much like his father, who I left over 28 years ago).  It borders on bipolar narcissistic behaviour.  Over the years, I have watched him struggle. Relationships don't last more than 2 years, he is able to keep a job. COVID has definitely made it worse.  But we have managed to maintain a relationship.   He has a lovely side, sweet and kind, and funny.  His sister does not speak to him due to his bullying behaviour, but he doesn't understand why she should feel like this, even though he wrote her a horrible letter.  I often feel like he is a little boy throwing his toys out of his pram, and I am the Mummy putting them all back. 
Recently after living abroad for 4 years (my son also lives in Europe but not the same country as me), I decided to return back to North America, my partner had died and all of my family including my daughter live in North America.  My house sold quickly, and within months I was packing up.  During this time, my son and his GF had broken up and he had moved into his own place (I didn't know this at the time), he was very moody and distant, until we talked about it, and he felt he had made the right decision, he wasn't interested in my move at the time, but I did mention I was returning, this was not out of the blue, as I had mentioned it several times.  The next day I received around 24 of the most abusive texts, he went ballistic about me leaving, saying terrible things, that I would never see him or speak to him again.  I tried to call him several times when I did get through he was hysterical, I remained calm, and said I was coming to visit him before I left, I tried to explain (the same things I had tried to explain before) but he was having none of it.  He has blocked me from all contact.  This is not the first time he has done this to me, and it is not the first time he has been abusive.  His Dad was abusive and after 12 years I left.  I can no longer accept this type of behaviour as it takes me back to very sad and dark days.  It has now been 4 months since that day of texts.  I want to write my son a letter, not a heavy letter, but just let him know I am here for him, but I can't accept that behaviour any more.  I would like to know if this is a good idea, I am once again in counselling, and I can only hope he is doing the same.  But for the first time, I am letting the space between us act as a wall of comfort, as I am not ready to be berated, I did not call on his Birthday, which was very difficult, but my previous attemps to extend an olive branch in the past, obviously didn't pay off as his behaviour has not changed.  How do you deal with this.  Like any parent, I love my son, and I am so sad this has happened.  But he is 36 and a grown man, surely he knows better.  What would you do. 
Title: Re: Narcissistic adult son
Post by: notrightinthehead on June 16, 2021, 04:12:37 AM
First of all Welcome!  You have found a good place here. I am glad to read that you are getting counselling for yourself,  in situations like this it is good to have some support in your corner.
I urge you to read the Toolbox tab and start to use some of the tools described there. Medium chill and JADE are the ones that were most helpful to me.  It is very good that you have set a boundary for yourself and decided that you will not tolerate abusive behaviour.
As sad as it is, it might be helpful for your son too, when he experiences that his behaviour has consequences. Even with you. Write him a letter to practise your medium chill or don't write him a letter, if you are not ready yet. You could also put everything on paper and never send it...
See you around on the boards!
Title: Re: Narcissistic adult son
Post by: onelittleredhead on June 17, 2021, 07:18:48 AM
What more can you do except pray? You reach a point when dealing with a narcissist, no mater whether they're your child, your spouse, your parent, no matter how much you love them, you have to save yourself. Allowing yourself to be be destroyed mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically also, will not change the course the narcissist is taking. Our love for them isn't enough to save them and that is very hard to accept. Most of us do, eventually, after many years of frustration, sadness and hopelessness, reach a point of acceptance of the reality of the situation. Then, and only then, can we move forward with our lives and absolve ourselves of any guilt we feel from leaving the person we love so much to,  just as the rest of us have to do, take responsibility for themselves and their actions. Taking care of oursleves and moving forward with our lives can only come once we accept and see the true reality of the situation. After several narcissistic relationships, it's taken me many years to finally get to the point of understanding that my value, my worth and my happiness are worth just as much, and are just as important, as anyone else's. Unfortunately, a narcissist will never see it that way.  So, all you can do is say a prayer for them, leave it in God's hands, and never give up because I have seen one true narcissist completely change when he let God into his heart.