Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Friends, Neighbors, Acquaintances and Coworkers => Topic started by: Blueberry Pancakes on June 18, 2021, 11:53:58 AM

Title: Minor issue at work, I kind of froze and am trying not to spiral about it
Post by: Blueberry Pancakes on June 18, 2021, 11:53:58 AM
Does anyone else recognize unhelpful patterns of the ways in which you react to issues that occur at work?  If so, how do you get ahead of it before it gets too sideways?  What I notice is my stomach churns, my head gets dizzy, and I cannot focus. I am terrified to engage.           
I started a new assignment three months ago, so do not yet have any collateral built up with this new team.  Someone sent an email about one figure in a spreadsheet being in the wrong column that put something else sideways. They were asking to help resolve, but immediately others responded "who did this and why"?  I froze. I  had copied something an experienced team member gave me but her number was wrong. Since I submitted it, they mentioned my name. It was not a huge impact and it was fixable, but I felt sick. At the same time I got a meeting notice from my boss. I figured I was doomed and they all wanted me fired.  I contacted the colleague who supplied me with the number and she told the group it was her number, she gave them the accurate one, and they all responded with a big thank you to her. It kind of seems like she looks like the hero now, but I was relieved the pressure was off.  As for the meeting my boss scheduled, it was a routine status check on an unrelated topic, so he did not fire me.       
What I am now left with is a general feeling of trauma and I feel like I physically need recovery. This morning I sat drinking my coffee alone in dark room because I desperately wanted stillness.  What is that?  I noticed the contrast of how my colleague faired way better and even though she admitted her number was wrong. She was calm and unemotional and I feel like I look like an incompetent loser who needed to be rescued.  I wish I had handled it better. 
Title: Re: Minor issue at work, I kind of froze and am trying not to spiral about it
Post by: 1footouttadefog on June 18, 2021, 12:49:08 PM
 If it was me in those similar situations these days as an older mostly Out of the FOG person.......

I would recognize that my own feelings of insecurity and feelings of inadequacy were being triggered.

I would when alone meditate on what other memorized and feelings were bubbling to the surface.  I would then try to parse out the differences between the various senrios and try to evaluate the reality/facts of what things I actually needed to be concerned about regardless of how I felt.

I would make note of my strengths as well as areas I know are potential weaknesses, then I would itemise strategies to minimize negative impacts and maximize my success and efficiency.

Making a cold analytical overview and separating facts from feelings helps me not show my emotions when in the midst of the challenge. Having planned out me attack strategies is like having my outline and  cue notes when speak g in public.  It eases my mind and heart.

Through such exercise, I have identified certain triggers and recognize that certain feelings will arise when doing certain tasks or working in certain environments. I now see them as less harmful and am aware that they are not altogether accurate measures of what is going on.  I just accept their presence like I would if I has a small lump in my shoe while my arms were full and it would be extremely I convienent to stop and empty my shoe.  I accept the pain and march on.

At the same time I dont disregard the emotional pain, I just often wait until later to deal with it and analyze it.  I hBe additionally come to realize that there is most often a PD at play in such situations and staying calm helps me not be a target.  The pdness is likely a huge part of the triggering for me to begin with and that takes it full cycle.  I ttmry to I. My quiet moments evaluate the od players and dynamics in a give. Situation.  Not to change then but to acknowledge that the presence of pdness will by its nature induce doubt and undermine confidence etc.  Recognizing these as outside factors helps to ground me and to separate facts from feelings.

Title: Re: Minor issue at work, I kind of froze and am trying not to spiral about it
Post by: Boat Babe on June 18, 2021, 01:25:10 PM
I hear you. I do stuff like that at work too. It's embarrassing at my age!

Bit by bit we heal from our wounds and our old ways of reacting to and coping with the world. Be very kind to yourself 😁❤️
Title: Re: Minor issue at work, I kind of froze and am trying not to spiral about it
Post by: Fortuna on July 05, 2021, 05:15:41 PM
Maybe make a note of who were the people trying to cast blame. They may be pot stirrers or just insecure about having the blame on them. If you know which, they might be easier to handle. Also if something like that happens again, responding something like. "I put it together, I believe that was a number I was given, let me quick track it down so we can fix it." Gives everyone a heads up you are doing something about it and focusing on the solution not blame.
Title: Re: Minor issue at work, I kind of froze and am trying not to spiral about it
Post by: JollyJazz on July 05, 2021, 06:32:22 PM
I had a nice boss recently who would say, look, if you make a mistake, most things are fixable, and not as much of a big deal as they seem at the time.

It makes sense when those of us on these boards have had a certain kind of childhood, of course it's stressful and triggering if we make a mistake. It could mean being physically or verbally attacked, locked outside etc. for the smallest infraction.

But in a healthy environment, it's okay to make mistakes. And safe to resolve it a way like your colleague did.

I wouldn't beat yourself up. It sounds like a trauma response. But it does sound like a great experience to ponder on. As in - not so much the little mistake - the emotional reaction.

But yes please try not to be tough on yourself. It sounds like a trauma reaction. Hope you can get in lots of nice self care.

Working in a supportive office has been very healing to me. I still struggle with some things but having a great boss and supportive colleagues helps a lot. There's the odd less nice person who I am able to avoid too.

I was in a toxic work environment before and I have slowly unwound inside. It's amazing to have a safe, nurturing environment.
Title: Re: Minor issue at work, I kind of froze and am trying not to spiral about it
Post by: KeepingMyBlue on July 06, 2021, 03:17:04 PM
I've often been in the other person's place. She was calm on the outside, but inside I was panicking, knowing I'm next to go under the bus for a typo. I would apologize in the meeting too, if there were reasonable witnesses, so there is less chance of screaming later.