Hello all, I am new to this forum and very thankful to have found it. I am in two weeks of no-contact with an undxPD partner who is pulling out all the stops to reel me back in. He has moved from anger to threats to self-pity, rinse repeat etc. His life is not great, to be sure -- he is facing criminal trial for white collar charges alleged prior to our relationship that I did not know about. He has nowhere to go, and has portrayed me as his last lifeline, which may have some elements of truth to it. But I cannot endure further abuse. I made the mistake of texting him back saying I was praying for him but of course this led to a torrent of new messages. I realize it was unfair of me to even respond to him given he seems to see it as an opening/invitation for more contact.
I have read a lot about no contact so apologies if this is a well-worn topic but my question is: how do you see the big picture during early no-contact when your impulse is to help another flawed human being who is in pain? Thank you.
Welcome! As an answer to your question - have you asked yourself if giving in to that impulse to help another flawed human being who is in pain has made anything better in the past? For how long? And what was the result of your rescue attempts for you?
I haven't gone no contact. I have gone low contact. And I have ignored plenty of phone calls, texts, and emails. Coming on to this site was and is a frequent reminder to me. I definitely get amnesia, especially when I was coming Out of the FOG. And now with low/less contact, I can forget. My uxPDH always reminds me though. As does my therapist. And those friends who aren't yet tired of hearing me get crazy again and with amnesia will gently remind me what it used to be like.
The early days of NC are tough as all hell. There is so much to process and you are in an incredibly low, damaged and painful place. I fully empathize.
KNOW however that this doesn't last.
How to get through it? Self care to the max, physical, mental and emotional. Education about trauma bonds, the addictive nature of abusive partners, the effects of gaslighting, the pathology in of PDs and, most importantly, your own part in this. Not the abuse but why you stayed as long as you did. That is actually the hard part, because you begin to address it your deepest attachment wounds.
If that sounds like a mountain to climb, it's actually a picnic compared to living with an abusive partner with a PD.
And, the work you do to survive leads to an amazing new version of yourself.
Sending hugs in this difficult transition.
I so appreciate the responses from you all.
To answer the first question: Being there for him has gotten me nowhere in the long-run. I remember vividly bailing him out of jail after traveling 3,000 miles across the country, and him insisting on smoking in our rental car within six hours of being out despite my protestations. I don't know why this is my prevailing memory of the time but it just spoke volumes. He would not bend as to what it was he wanted to do, and didn't care what I thought. So yes, there is a well-established track record that my kindness is momentarily valued and then forgotten. He will not change.
And thank you for the perspectives on lo contact and what I need to do for self care and gaining an understanding of my role in this, which is 50 percent. I am so sad and not taking care of myself as I should. That has to change now.
My heart goes out to you. I am a person for whom low contact does not work. I needed NC to really have things change.
I agree with Boat Babe. For me, these 18 mos of NC have not been a cake walk. (Of course the pandemic and living alone during that time added to it.) But there are things I never could have broached as long as there was even the tiniest contact. With NC the circus moves on out of my town and my mind and leaves me looking at . . . me. All my unhealed stuff which played into my having, and staying in, that relationship becomes visible. I have no idea what he's doing anymore so I can't turn my focus to him.
Though this is not easy, it can be sooooo fruitful. I know he is an extremely hurt person and I wish that weren't the case. But nothing I've ever done makes any real difference for him. So I just keep him in my prayers. I can do a lot to help my own traumatized self. So that's where my energy goes these days.
Best of luck to you. What you're doing takes a lot of courage.
Thank you, Lookin 2 Be Free. I have not succeeded in NC. He ended up making threats that scared me and looped me back in, and is now playing model partner. To his credit he is doing things he has never been willing to do now, like take meds and seek a therapist. But I don't believe people change much. (What is the saying ... when someone shows you who they are, believe them.)
So I am back with him, or co-habitating at least. I don't feel good about that, or about myself, but I am proud that I was able to leave once, and know I can do it again, and correct the mistakes from my last attempt. I will continue to pray for him. Perhaps there's a better world out there for him too, if this can all be ended.
I thank you for taking the time to respond -- you all are a blessing.