Out of the FOG

Getting Started => The Welcome Mat => Topic started by: Woofie on June 22, 2021, 05:43:02 PM

Title: Hello [PD, Qanon Mom]
Post by: Woofie on June 22, 2021, 05:43:02 PM
Hello, brand new to the board. I don't often participate in forums, mostly because I'm shy and don't have the time in my day. I'm joining mostly to read and perhaps occasionally seek advice. I'll give some context for myself though:

I'm mid 20's, only started to realize how bad things with my mother was in the past few years. She's always been passively abusive (passive aggressive, always criticizing my appearance, actions, and accomplishments, screaming and yelling and threatening when angry, consistently showing better treatment to my older brother, and so on), but I was driven to almost completely cut off contact when she started to spiral into Qanon. She started to smoke (not cigs), every day, all day, and post up to 20+ things a day about anything from JFK still being alive to the food at stores having nanobots in them. She would send me messages unprompted with all this as well, which in the beginning I would respond with my disagreements and it would end in her claiming I was attacking her and treating her with disrespect even though I kept my messages polite. Eventually I told her I needed to unfriend her and not talk to her, but she still occasionally sends me messages (both fb messages, texts, and cards in the mail) claiming she's praying for me every day and other, more passive aggressive one liners.

I've suspected for a while now that she's always had some sort of PD. Her mother and her grandma were both even harsher parents with clearly abusive parenting tactics and PDs themselves. I think she's been on different medications my whole life, but I'm not sure as she rarely talked about those sorts of things with me. She only recently claimed she's finally stopped all her medications and is healthy with just the natural medicine (smoking). As a child I never thought much of her controlling behavior since she was my parent and guardian, but once I graduated college and got a job and moved out of her house (and 8+ hours away from her), she started acting out in just bizarre ways. She's constantly trying to insist she was a good mom and gave me a good childhood (without asking my opinion on the matter at all), and that I have no right to disrespect her by not responding to her messages.

I ultimately don't know what PD she has, if she really does have one, but the Qanon stuff made this whole situation a thousand times more complicated. I would love to try and actually talk realistically with her (while she's sober) and try and hash out a lot of our grievances and misunderstandings, but the Qanon part to all this has made that near impossible. She thinks I'm a brainwashed slave who has been pumped full of tiny robots used to get information out of her, and it makes her completely disregard anything I say. My sibling and her therapist have both tried to get her to view it as: Qanon is destroying my relationship with both my children, who I claim are the most important thing in the world to me, so I either continue with it and accept we won't have a relationship, or try and let it go so we can rebuild our relationships. Even then, she cries and complains to us both that she feels hurt and abandoned, but refuses to give up the thing we tell her directly makes us pull away. She said she can't change because she has mental illness. I really believe that last part, but want so badly to disagree with her in regards to the inability to change. If she's given up on ever being different, I feel as if I have to give up too...

This might be a lot, sorry for that! It's been like this for about 5 years now. As I said before, I was mainly going to post here to read, but also possibly seek advice. I'm curious how many people dealing with PD family members in our current society have experience with Qanon being a part of it. I have a feeling that, even if she hadn't gotten into it, we still would have struggled to repair/rebuild our relationship, but not NEARLY as much. It really leaves me tearing my hair out sometimes...

Thank you for possibly reading! And thank you for building a place of support for this sort of thing.  :thumbup:
Title: Re: Hello [PD, Qanon Mom]
Post by: notrightinthehead on June 22, 2021, 06:38:17 PM
Welcome! If you stick around, you will find lots of useful information and support on this forum.  I suggest you read the traits on the personality disorders tab and the toolbox tab for strategies when having to deal with a person with a personality disorder.
I have no experience with Qanon other than from the news,  but it sounds  a little like dealing with a person who has an addiction.  You do well by having strong and firm boundaries like you seem to have for now. You need this for your own protection.
Title: Re: Hello [PD, Qanon Mom]
Post by: Andeza on June 23, 2021, 04:17:37 PM
Hello! What you're describing sounds like a trait in the toolbox called "magical thinking." It's not easy to deal with. You don't have to know for sure that she's living with a pd, and certainly don't have to know which one. What matters is that she exhibits behaviors consistent with a personality disorder and you suspect one is a part of the picture. In that case, we're here to help support you while you learn and grow in ways that help you move forward with your own healing journey. 😊
Title: Re: Hello [PD, Qanon Mom]
Post by: Hazy111 on June 24, 2021, 10:41:27 AM
I know a guy who laps it all up, the stolen election, anti vaxxer, deep state,  etc etc  blah blah blah. Hes always on the internet . I would say hes a pyschopath  (he admitted shooting 60 domestic cats, because they used to kill the birds hed like to shoot  :stars: ) . He wont listen to anything that contradicts his views.  I wont suggest dont even bother entering into conversation about it.

 Narcissists love conspiracies as it makes them feel empowered  (overcomes their chronic inferiority) and therefore feeds  contempt for the sheeple ( or normal people) as they call them, who dont believe.

She has at least admitted she has a mental illness, so that shows a degree of self awareness, but alas no cure.

You should do something about the  robots that are controlling you though.
Title: Re: Hello [PD, Qanon Mom]
Post by: Hazy111 on June 24, 2021, 10:43:08 AM
 * would not wont
Title: Re: Hello [PD, Qanon Mom]
Post by: Woofie on June 24, 2021, 03:17:22 PM
Welcome! If you stick around, you will find lots of useful information and support on this forum.  I suggest you read the traits on the personality disorders tab and the toolbox tab for strategies when having to deal with a person with a personality disorder.
I have no experience with Qanon other than from the news,  but it sounds  a little like dealing with a person who has an addiction.  You do well by having strong and firm boundaries like you seem to have for now. You need this for your own protection.

Thank you! I admit I hadn't fully poked around the website before posting. I found reading the toolbox to be really informative! I have no doubt she struggles with becoming addicted to things, she's had drug problems in her past (and present) and is also a hoarder of many things. Cutting most all contact with her has really been my first time ever setting a boundary, and I believe the only reason it's worked so well is because I now live so far away that she can't reach me easily. I'm hoping the experiences on this form can help me prepared for any possible attempts I make at talking to her in the future. I'm still working on speaking up and speaking my mind, especially to somebody who had authority over me and who I feared to some degree growing up. Thank you for the warm welcome  :)

Hello! What you're describing sounds like a trait in the toolbox called "magical thinking." It's not easy to deal with. You don't have to know for sure that she's living with a pd, and certainly don't have to know which one. What matters is that she exhibits behaviors consistent with a personality disorder and you suspect one is a part of the picture. In that case, we're here to help support you while you learn and grow in ways that help you move forward with your own healing journey. 😊

Thank you! I agree, I don't think knowing a specific diagnosis would help me any more than just recognizing individual behaviors and reacting to those accordingly. I'm not sure what my journey entails, as I'm still very stuck between just cutting contact entirely and trying to let go of any regrets/grievances I have myself, or still attempting to push through and connect and develop SOMETHING with her that would help me let go more easily. I'm hopeful that this forum can help me make stronger decisions!

I know a guy who laps it all up, the stolen election, anti vaxxer, deep state,  etc etc  blah blah blah. Hes always on the internet . I would say hes a pyschopath  (he admitted shooting 60 domestic cats, because they used to kill the birds hed like to shoot  :stars: ) . He wont listen to anything that contradicts his views.  I wont suggest dont even bother entering into conversation about it.

 Narcissists love conspiracies as it makes them feel empowered  (overcomes their chronic inferiority) and therefore feeds  contempt for the sheeple ( or normal people) as they call them, who dont believe.

She has at least admitted she has a mental illness, so that shows a degree of self awareness, but alas no cure.

You should do something about the  robots that are controlling you though.

That's basically how she is, yeah. I don't believe she's as far as psychopath, but some of the other stuff you mention is exactly what I think. She has this never ending need to be praised and prove she's superior, and by participating in this Qanon stuff she believes she's somehow saving the world and it puts her on a level above everyone else. This is like the holy grail of "I'm in the right and know what's best and am good" for her to excuse basically all of her life choices and actions that people try to explain to her were not the best. I believe at some point she knows she's done wrong in her life, but rather than process the guilt and remorse that comes with that and take the steps to rectify it, she's chosen this as the easier path. My sibling and I hope that MAYBE, over time, she might fall out of the Qanon stuff, and it might become possible to steer her in a healthier direction. But I think that depends on the company she keeps and the medication she's on. As long as she surrounds herself with people who only agree with her and stays off all her meds, it's kind of hopeless.

Honestly I WISH robots would take control of me sometimes. They can  do my dishes and laundry and I can take a break  ;D
Title: Re: Hello [PD, Qanon Mom]
Post by: Boat Babe on June 24, 2021, 03:32:57 PM
 :spaceship: