Out of the FOG

Getting Started => The Welcome Mat => Topic started by: kissonthehead on June 23, 2021, 02:02:01 PM

Title: I'm new. First post. Double whammy!
Post by: kissonthehead on June 23, 2021, 02:02:01 PM
HI, I never thought my first post would be something like this.  I have been married 45 years to a man who I thought was "eccentric", "brilliant", then "obsessive";  I have finally - after 40 or so years come to the conclusion that he is actually a Narcissist.  Really.  Fully.  The kicker today is that, our adult daughter, who has been battling depression and anxiety for years, has just been diagnosed with BPD.  I'm overcome with grief, guilt, shame, because I know that she suffered benign neglect (I can't believe I'm even admitting this!) as a child because my attention was focused on her Narcissist father.  Growing up with him was no easy trip for her.  My heart is broken.
What started out as an outlet for me to get advice about living with my husband has taken a much, much more serious turn.  Someone please help!
Title: Re: I'm new. First post. Double whammy!
Post by: Bloomie on June 23, 2021, 09:13:54 PM
HI kissonthehead - welcome to OOTF!

My heart is heavy reading of the fresh realizations about your H's behaviors and how they have impacted your daughter. I am so sorry you all are struggling and that you are hurting. I would suggest that those behaviors have been awful hard for you as well.

Something I feel to say that I hope is some encouragement to you... I grew up with a mother who was all kinds of a mess. Way too much to go into, but my father was so caught up in her issues there are a lot of things he just didn't get or see until after I was an adult, and even then he was paralyzed to help myself and my siblings work through what we had been through in that home in many ways.

YOU are not the same as my dad was. YOU SEE!!! You are acknowledging that your H has serious behaviors that have impacted your child. You are seeing how those issues may have overtaken you for a time and you seem willing to do whatever you can to help your child heal and move into a healthier, supported, validated place in life.

That is something so many of us here have NEVER had in our lives. Don't underestimate the power of your love and willingness to own what you need to own, do what you need to do, and support your daughter. I hope you are able to give yourself some gentle kindness as you grieve and heal and work through you own hurts and disappointments.

This is a great place to find community and people who understand. There are wonderful resources at the drop down tabs above and throughout the forum, but the greatest thing I have found since coming here is the understanding, support, and insights from this great group of folks who do get it.

You are not on this journey alone! Take some time and settle in. I look forward to seeing you out there on the forum boards!
Title: Re: I'm new. First post. Double whammy!
Post by: ArtLover on June 23, 2021, 10:09:34 PM
Welcome!! I am so sorry you are going through this but SO GLAD you are here.
FIRST: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER. Skip the self blame, ok? Promise?! Just learn & heal & forgive yourself for what you did not know.
Forgive yourself for not knowing something that our society has barely addressed, even in counseling spaces & therapist education.
Second, you are going to be ok! You have managed this far on instinct without knowing the core issues. You have done so much to help diagnose your daughter & the situation! Bravo!! So strong & brave.
I am the adult daughter of 2 Narcissist Parents! I wound up with some traits of BPD but got early therapy & was fine until I hit... you guessed it, a narc marriage & divorce. I wound up with CPTSD, very similar to BPD. Both are totally recoverable & manageable with counseling & many awesome resources online. Your daughter is going to be ok, too!! DBT classes & trauma therapy for her can help heal the emotional damage from a narc parent and having such a caring mom!!!

Sending love your way. Trauma informed therapy is a great start & youtube! Instagram has awesome accounts on recovery as well. You got this, you made it this far & that is huge!
Title: Re: I'm new. First post. Double whammy!
Post by: kissonthehead on June 24, 2021, 03:19:35 PM
After my first post, I was expecting....well, I don't really know what I was expecting - maybe some platitudes along the lines of "everything will be ok".  The replies I got opened a floodgate of such magnitude, that I was surprised at my reaction.  I didn't realize how starved I was for kind words and true understanding that was born of experience.  Just the idea that everything truly MAY be ok eventually was inconceivable to me two days ago.  My tears were tears of relief and hope!  Thank you for your encouragement.
Title: Re: I'm new. First post. Double whammy!
Post by: ArtLover on June 24, 2021, 07:24:56 PM
Hugs!!!!!! You are not alone. This experience can isolate and warp our view for decades, a lifetime. Figuring it out is not easy & adds pain & confusion at first. But it will slowly get better. Just keeping going with your education, support, therapy, & self compassion. So glad you are here!