We are almost 6 years NC from my in-laws. We continue to come across old stuff that is mind-blowing: "we read this letter and didn't realize how wrong this was?!? It started that long ago?!?"
But we don't talk about them much anymore. They only exist in our home now as the damage done to my DW. Call them fleas, or whatever. But she is working on it.
Yesterday on a walk she said something that broke my heart, slid into a larger complex sentence on another topic: "I hope, knowing what you know now, you'd still marry me." And she ran on past that stray line in her narrative.
At a natural pause, I brought us back to say the truth: yep. This was a hidden cost. I had no idea I was marrying into crazy. I had no idea there'd be this terrible family rift in our future. That my son would lose his grandparents to estrangement. That my wife would lose her parents. That our hearts would be scarred. And yeah, it changes the calculus -- for those willing to admit there is a calculus to love.
"But no. It doesn't change the answer. Knowing what I know now I'd marry you again. I'd marry you again, and this time we wouldn't have put up with the little stuff for 20 years. This would -- at the latest -- have ended when our son was three, and we first received a multi-month discard. I'd have protected you sooner. I'd have protected him sooner. And we'd have burned them out sooner."
Those of you who feel guilt, that you are the ones that dragged crazy into a marriage: don't feel guilt. We married you because we love you. Those of you who got a side of crazy with the spouse you love: take a moment to reassure them that they are still your choice.
That is a wonderful reminder, even though I can't fully relate since both my husband and I came with our own side of crazy. :wacko:
Even so, if I tried to imagine a scenario where it was only coming from my in-laws, there's no way I'd have any regrets. If anything, I'm thankful everyday that we found each other and have been able to help each other see our FOOs for what they were... and then start the slow climb out of the muck together.
Thank you for those beautiful words, Starboard. We both came with a side of crazy, but oh well. Nobody ever fully knows exactly what they are going to get when we promise, "For better or for worse."
That was really nice Starboard Song.
💜 Can you plan a vow renewal with/for her? That kind of positive reinforcement is priceless and I love you for it myself.
Quote from: moglow on July 12, 2021, 04:24:41 PM
💜 Can you plan a vow renewal with/for her?
We hit 25 years soon. That is a great idea. We wrote our entire wedding ceremony script, and still have the original copy. Even a simple reading, passing that script back and forth to read sections of it, even just alone at a dinner table, would be really nice.
I am so very happy for you, Starboard Song! I cannot stress enough the importance of what you said.
I am coming to the end of the road for my relationship precisely because my partner doesn't want to deal with things together. It's the lack of reassurance, the inability to see that we must protect each other and stick together. I deal with things on my own, and he does his own thing. It's tiresome.
Your words are not only beautiful, but also profoundly wise!