Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Separating & Divorcing => Topic started by: Bunnyme on July 05, 2021, 02:55:35 PM

Title: Do you break no contact to tell them to stop contacting you?
Post by: Bunnyme on July 05, 2021, 02:55:35 PM
He is still stalling and playing games with the agreement.  Still not paying me support.  He keeps cycling through the love bombing/hoovering/blaming/denegrating/acting like nothing has changed-cycle.  I've been ignoring all of his love bombing attempts.  Didnt say anything about the flowers.  Didnt respond to the poems.  Had some nasty and then "normal" interactions since.  Last night, he sent me a link to a song. 
I could not be more clear that we are done.  I'm most definitely not sending mixed signals.  I only respond the messages I have to about the kids and try to speak as little as possible at visitation.  Do I just continue to ignore all of these weird overtures or at some point do I respond and tell him to please stop sending stuff to me?  I have done a lot of training and behavioral work, so I keep coming back to the idea of "extinction bursts."  I'm afraid that if i respond at all...even to say that he needs to keep communication focused on the kids and/or please stop sending me things...it will just invite more.  He will either go into angry rage at the rejection or use it against me in the agreement process.  Then again, being firm but cordial hasnt helped the agreement process.   Is it better to have a record of asking for it to stop?  What has been your experience?  Best approach?
I'm asking in the agreement that we use ourfamilywizard for communication.  Perhaps I try to instate that now? 
It may very well be my own anxieties having a physical effect on me, but when he gets to this self-pity mopey Eeyore mode, I fear him the most.
Title: Re: Do you break no contact to tell them to stop contacting you?
Post by: notrightinthehead on July 06, 2021, 04:12:05 AM
I totally agree with you. Anything you say or communicate might be considered a foot in the door and could lead to a ramp up of the attempts to get back in.  Anything you can do to reduce or limit his access to you is protection for you.
Title: Re: Do you break no contact to tell them to stop contacting you?
Post by: Jsinjin on July 06, 2021, 06:11:45 PM
I say "No", assuming that you have stayed clearly in some manner that you are not contacting them with specifics such as "contact me through my lawyer" or "here are the contacts for support from the local hospital, suicide hotline, utilities, children's schools, banks" etc.

If you clearly stated your position and that has been given to him in a way that he could understand it (even if he doesn't acknowledge it) then stick to no contact.   Don't even refer him to the communication at that point.
Title: Re: Do you break no contact to tell them to stop contacting you?
Post by: Bunnyme on July 06, 2021, 10:36:02 PM
Didnt respond, and today he ramped up asking us to meet and talk about "where we are."  No.  He did the whole "I know you hate me...but" routine he is fond of to bait me into saying "I dont hate you."  He wants us to ,"be cordial."  I've been nothing but, considering the circumstances.  He also wants to know how to help me.  I've clearly stated what I need in the settlement proposal.  Dont need to talk about it.

It sucks, because in the back of my mind there is the "what if he is actually sincere this time and I'm the one being a you know what?"  Not enough to take him back, mind you, but enough to sort of feel bad for not responding.  Like, am I just so used to PD behavior that I interpret everything that way even when it isnt?  Luckily, I'm past the point where I care what his flying monkeys will have to say about him pouring his heart out and me ignoring him.  A year ago, that wouldve kept me up at night. 
I already gave my therapist the heads up that this is what I need to work on at my next session. 
Title: Re: Do you break no contact to tell them to stop contacting you?
Post by: WaitingForSunshine on July 10, 2021, 12:06:15 AM
Thanks for sharing. How did you get to the point of not caring what his flying monkeys will say he when pours out his heart and you ignore him, and this doesnít keep you up at night?
Also, I really like what you said about identifying this as what you want to discuss with your therapist. Iím just starting therapy and when I try to talk it feels so jumbled and disorganized and just an emotional mess. I want to be at more of a place where I tackle issues and learn strategies, and instead I feel like Iím just crying. Does this come in time? Does it depend on the type of therapist or their specialty?
Title: Re: Do you break no contact to tell them to stop contacting you?
Post by: Bunnyme on July 10, 2021, 01:23:50 AM
I've been with this therapist a year and a half.  We have plenty of sessions where I just cry. Sometimes I have a specific thing to talk about, and sometimes I struggle to have anything to talk about. 
I have become more focused after coming Out of the FOG.  A lot of my early sessions were spent on that. 
As far as the flying monkeys...it took seeing that it didnt matter what I said or did.  I could 100% refute what he said with evidence and some people would still side with him.  It would make me so anxious to worry about it that I just had to let it go.  I have lost some friends.  There are people who now believe I'm to blame in all of this.  I figure that if they know us both and they still believe him...he can have them.  I've also seen a few people come back around after they saw his true colors for themselves