Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Dealing with PD Parents => Topic started by: Happypants on July 14, 2021, 09:01:14 AM

Title: Vicious circle
Post by: Happypants on July 14, 2021, 09:01:14 AM
I feel like i'm caught i a vicious circle, permanently.  I constantly flit between worrying about and wanting to help my parents (my dad in particular as he's now scheduled to have further heart surgery) and fearing them contacting me and trying to draw me in.  It's all so complicated and frankly I'm mentally exhausted to the point I can feel it worsening my physical health.

They live 5 minutes drive away from me, so I'm the nearest, the one without any kids, and the scapegoat.  BUT, I have a health issue that means I'm not up to driving every day, and I don't know from one day to the next if I'll be okay.  This health issue is only a "thing" when it's inconveniencing them, despite the fact it robbed me of a career, hobbies, and some life choices, although my dad will sometimes ask how I'm doing.  I was able to take my dad to an appointment at a nearby hospital - great.  When my mother needed a lift to an appointment further away, I stood my ground and said I couldn't commit because of said health issue and I didn't want to take a chance on letting her down on the day.  I said there are other people (my other half, GC and GC wife) who could help, and that I would do it if I was okay on the day, but that i couldn't say for sure in advance that i'd be up to it.  Nope, she cancelled her appointment and my father said "now don't you go feeling guilty about it"  :roll:  It's all on me, and I can feel the games resume on a low vibration in the background.

In the meantime, I'm trying to generate some income through writing, but the waves of fatigue and brain fog are making it difficult.  I have the odd good few hours then I'm floored the following day.  I'm still walking and talking, but my ability to function as a writer is sporadic.  And the less I feel like a fully productive working adult, the more I feel like what they need me to be, ie available (because the health issue doesn't exist when they need me :stars:).  I try to get to a local hiking spot a couple of times a week as it really lifts me and I feel like I can concentrate afterwards, but I need to be having a good day and up to driving to get there in first place.  Does anyone else have a health issue that further complicates the crazy dynamics?  It sometimes feels like my own body is against me - dealing with my parents exacerbates my health problem, and it, in turn, exacerbates the conflict with my parents.  I need a break  :sad2: 
Title: Re: Vicious circle
Post by: SunnyMeadow on July 14, 2021, 11:15:08 AM
The first thing I thought when reading your post .... Move far away! If only it were that easy.  :-\

I can see my parents acting the same way if I lived closer. My uNPD mother was hinting that I should come over to clean her house. I laughed off the idea and now she has a cleaning service. She's said in the past that she should have had more children so she'd have more people to do things for her! So yes, they really feel their children should be at their beck and call. Shows how much they care and feel for us. We are unpaid help basically.

Good for you for standing your ground about the appointment. You're right, you don't know if you can commit on that particular day. Shame on your dad for saying "Don't you feel guilty about it?". If this was me and if I was quick witted I would've have said, she's your wife...you deal with it and you should feel guilty! Ugh, these people make me angry.

I developed an autoimmune disease after an extremely stressful time with my mother which caused me to go NC for a while. The NC compounded the stress but I didn't have to listen to her voice so that was better. I am careful with myself and having any stress now and I've told her that. I'm not above embellishing my day to day issues either  :yes:. It helps my mother remember that I can't be counted on because any day could be a bad day for me and my health which prevents me from driving. I recommend using this tactic to keep your health issues first and foremost in their minds.

I've been able to stop some of my worrying by repeating to myself that my parents caused all these issues for themselves. If they hadn't run everyone away they could have dozens of family members and friends to go out with or who come over. Even me, the very last child has pulled away and only does the bare minimum in communication now. Please focus more on yourself happypants. Your parents are adults and should have made more arrangements for themselves than "oh not to worry, Happypants will do it". 

You aren't obligated to them in any way. Focus on you and your health because they certainly aren't thinking about you. Seriously, any chance you can move?
Title: Re: Vicious circle
Post by: Happypants on July 17, 2021, 08:31:32 AM
Thanks SunnyMeadow. I tried to move far away when I was younger (think i knew on a subconscious level that I had to get away), but life got in the way  :roll: now Iím stuck very near them. Iím happy to help but not at the expense of my freedom which includes my time and my headspace. The guilt trip from Dad was fairly predictable and followed with another dig about how I use my time (straight after collecting him form hospital  :roll:).

Iím sorry about your autoimmune disease. These conditions are so tricky to manage especially given the potential to develop other autoimmune issues on top if you donít handle stress well. Glad youíve found a way to keep it in the forefront when dealing with your mother.   Youíre right about keeping aware of the connection between pds and your health, itís definitely something Iím working on at the moment and keeps me feeling empowered.