I have become quite friendly with someone who lives around the corner from me although they are not a good friend, we are on good enough terms to have a coffee now and then or go shopping together etc. and sometimes I help them out (since lockdown) if they need assistance that requires a car, since I have one and they don't. I had an extremely unpleasant exchange with them on the weekend where we organised to chat on the phone because my city is currently in lockdown again and no one can go out. They talked at me for most of the conversation about the men they are talking to on dating apps and the fact that they want to biologically give birth to a baby (they are nearly 50 years old). Neither of these subjects is interesting to me but I could not get a word in edgewise. I also suspect the whole baby project is more of an attention seeking exercise than a real desire to have kids. I can't take it seriously at all.
The conversation went from bad to worse when they started talking about men in an extremely immature way, trying to get me on board with talking about men's bodies in a way that makes me uncomfortable. (I do not feel comfortable objectifying human beings of any gender in this way. I've also been single for a few years but it has been really good for me and I don't want to be dragged into conversations that force me to center coupledom and the pursuit of romance when that's not where I'm at). When I said, I felt uncomfortable talking about something so personal, they ramped up the talking about sex part and I just felt even more disgusted. I think they were trying on purpose to shock me in some way.
They interrogated me on how I meet people and then told me I had very high expectations and should expect to be single for a long time. They also said things that, to me, sounded like subtle attacks (but were also really inaccurate) eg. "you talk a lot about what isn't rather than what is," implying that I'm negative without explicitly saying it, or "you're maing a lot of assumptions and framing things in a particular way" but then they were unable to specify what the supposed assumptions were or articulate this 'framework' that is supposedly hindering my thinking. By the end of it I was really angry and just told them I wasn't going to be blamed for my singledom nor was I going to discuss something so personal with them. Then they decided to end the conversation because they didn't feel listened to. :aaauuugh:
After the conversation I was livid. I couldn't get out of my head the "how dare they talk down to me when they are so immature." :blowup: I realised they clearly were unhappy with their lot and trying to transfer it onto me. But I was still angry. I could feel their toxicity and I was really pissed off. All the PD red flags were there. I've decided not to talk their calls and to grey rock the sh*t out of them. I'm posting this hear just to let it out so I don't ruminate on it because dealing with PDs can be so infuriating.
Sounds like this conversation has seriously gone awry. When something like that happens to me, I use it to learn something about myself. In your example I probably would reflect why some topics make me uncomfortable. And what a kind and polite way would be to change topics quickly without giving the other a way to bait me into JADEing. My favourite topic changer is to talk about food and cooking. I would re-play the conversation in my mind and find the points where I lost control and got involved in the confrontation. I would also reflect how much in common I have with this person and if she really interests me. You seem to be critical of her, see her as attention seeking and immature. People like that can be entertaining and fun to be around for a limited amount of time. I tend to ask myself if such company is really mean or just irritating me after a while - in my case, if they have a good heart and are not mean, I will take a break and then initiate contact again.
Hi notrightinthehead,
Your measured and thoughtful response made me really rethink why I was angry with this person. You're right, I am very critical of this person. I don't know if they are mean or have a good heart. I don't think a person needs to be malicious to cause harm; sometimes ignorance and immaturity causes enough damage. What disturbs me is the way in which this person can round on me the moment I do not agree or play along with them. This is not the first time it has happened. I find it very manipulative (and rude) when they start telling me how I think. I wish I had've changed the topic too but the force of their talking at me was too much. Reflecting on this now, I probably should have made up some excuse to get off the phone. Either way I don't think I'll be contacting them for anything. There simply is not enough mutual respect in the relationship for it to continue.