Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Dealing with PD Parents => Topic started by: Jolie40 on August 18, 2021, 02:59:26 PM

Title: just reread old email from PD parent
Post by: Jolie40 on August 18, 2021, 02:59:26 PM
kept a few emails & it's a good reminder to stay NC

one email was after I asked if enabler would go on hayride with our child
reply by PD parent- "not into hayrides" but said enabler would do anything for us (but not hayride)
defends enabler by saying enabler ran marathons & says "have you run one?"

then email mentions things they'd been doing with other grandkids & all the fun they're having with them

then "you take your phone off hook so I'm not calling anymore!"

I only took phone off during child's nap times, PD parent could have called any morning or evening but only wanted to call during nap time....all about PD parent's wants, no consideration ever for me

then excuse for not attending child's birthday party...."I don't go to parks but you forgot"

email still angers me- how they cared so much about other grandkids but not my child since I was SG
also, the putting me down- "you forgot" & "have you run marathon?"

PS- if any other grandchild had invited on hayride, they'd be jumping on the wagon, taking photos, and bragging how much fun they had
Title: Re: just reread old email from PD parent
Post by: Starboard Song on August 18, 2021, 04:30:01 PM
Old messages can be so amazing.

We found an email from a quarter century back, and reading it now you realize how long this had been going on. My MIL has always done this. Shaming my DW for innocent things. Gnashing teeth over perceived slights. Dramatizing simple matters and seemingly believing it was all her.
It can be helpful to see, though it makes us wish we'd understood sooner.

Title: Re: just reread old email from PD parent
Post by: SunnyMeadow on August 18, 2021, 05:23:22 PM
I've reread old emails from time to time and I'm amazed I still kept in contact after receiving them. I didn't used to see that these emails detailed the things I or my immediate family had done to HER were simply a way to stir up supply. If my mother isn't having drama in her life she makes it up.

Jolie40, how rude for your parent to dismiss a hayride with their grandchild but would go if other grandchildren asked.

I think about and want to delete emails from my uNPDmother when she passes but my dh thinks I should hang on to them in case I start feeling sad or soft when she's gone. Do ever think about deleting the emails? I'm conflicted because I can see both sides of it.
Title: Re: just reread old email from PD parent
Post by: moglow on August 18, 2021, 05:34:48 PM
Heard! I have a batch of old texts and voicemail probably not going back any more than five years, that I replay all along. How I didn't [refused!] to see what was right in front of me, message after message for all that time, I'll never understand. My posts here go back much further and there's a certain amount of repetition that makes me cringe. The excuses and painful justifications in her mind are just mind boggling, to say nothing of the overall tone.

I started to delete all mine then realized that I do need that reinforcement all along. They're painful to see/hear, but always have been. It's dulled down now where I don't break down and there's no longer a pull to call and go back over any of it with her again.

Title: Re: just reread old email from PD parent
Post by: Jolie40 on August 18, 2021, 08:11:27 PM
IDo you ever think about deleting the emails?

thanks for replies Starboard Song, Sunny Meadow, moglow!

Sunny Meadow/moglow- feel I can't delete yet cause don't want to break NC
sometimes, my mind plays tricks...maybe PD parent wasn't all that bad
saved emails in hidden folder are proof for me of parent toxicity

Starboard Song/moglow- agree, don't know why didn't realize sooner OR did but justified it all by thinking it was my skewed perception?
Title: Re: just reread old email from PD parent
Post by: Honey_B on August 19, 2021, 06:56:16 AM
I have some INSANE mails from my PD mother in a folder in my email system. I have been NC with her for almost a year, she discarded me and my son (her only grandchild).

When I received the mails, I didn't read them, I just transferred them to the "secret" folder because I knew how hurtful they would be. I am still not strong enough to read them, but one day I will. I KNOW how many insane accusations against me that are in there, nothing but blame, lies, more lies and making herself out to be a martyr. Its amazing I stayed in touch with her until I was well over 40 years.
Title: Re: just reread old email from PD parent
Post by: Hilltop on August 19, 2021, 08:11:52 AM
Yep it is amazing the stuff you forget and its easy to fall into the "they weren't that bad".  I kept a journal I had written when things happened and I remember re-reading it and being so surprised at how obvious it was but at the time I couldn't see it.  I eventually got rid of it as I didn't want any one else to find it and yes I sometimes find myself slipping now.

Keep those saved emails, it is useful especially when you get more awareness and then go back and re-read.  I think it also helps with the gaslighting because they seem to have a habit of re-writing history and at least this way you can go back and see the truth in it.