I am planning my exit as best I can which is stressful and hard enough as I will be leaving with what I can carry and with nowhere to go. To nothing. I have no family in this country and I have no friends I can ask to help. I have friends, but they are also friends with my uSTBXNPH, and everyone thinks he's great. I have tried to talk to some friends but I don't think anyone really believes me as he's so good at hiding his controlling and manipulative side.
But the thing stressing me out more than anything else is what do I say ? To him, and to anyone else? Most importantly, what do I say to our grownup child (who lives independently).
I know what husband will say, he will be outwardly all reasonable and 'only wants to talk' etc etc. But when my husband says he wants to talk, what he really means is he wants to talk me around. To whatever he has decided is best. For me. But it's really what is best for him. Always has been. I'm done talking, I just want to be away from him.
What do I say to our friends, and what do I say to our child so I can just get away and lick my wounds in peace?
First of all, what you say to your friends and your child is not important to start with. What is important is to get out and stay away. Can you find a hotel or something to go to first? I am in a similar situation, living in a different country with not many friends around where we live. I have left twice but been guilt tripped and love bombed to come back. I am now planning my real escape, it has to be different now as living in a hotel is very lonely and makes it very hard unless the plan is set.
And, welcome and good luck!
I agree with escaping man. In an ordinary, healthy relationship, it is common courtesy to bow out of the relationship with honesty and kindness. You tell your partner that things are no longer working for you, you agree how to tell the children (if any) and you also agree to how any mutual possessions/property are to be shared out.
In an abusive relationship, it's completely different. We know that some abusers become extremely vicious, nay violent, when their prey escapes them. We know that all sorts of nasty shit goes down. Therefore, we must protect ourselves.
Firstly, make sure your escape plan is really effective. Don't tell anyone. Be cunning. Remember that you are fighting for your life here. Don't even begin to worry about what he tells your mutual friends- it will be horrible but that is actually the very least of your problems. As to your adult child, you may be surprised by their reaction. They may be delighted that you have finally got away.
When I left my first, highly malignant and dangerous uPDbf, I waited till he went to work, packed my things and got a cab across town and stayed with some particularly beefy friends of mine who were in to martial arts. I left a note and that was it. He didn't even deserve a note, but hey, I'm a good person.
You owe an abuser NOTHING. Truly.
I agree with the prior posts.
And, "our friends" - well, they may not be your friends any more. If they are truly your friends, you do not need to give them an explanation. They will not be surprised and they will be supportive.
In my own journey of healing, I realized that a friend of mine is narcissistic - like my husband. I fell into that friendship because it feels comfortable. Crazy, right? Anyhow, I am staying her friend, but I have boundaries and realize on many levels that she can not be a good friend to me.
Best of luck to you.
Thank you all. You are of course all right, it doesn't actually matter. Reading my post and your replies now makes it perfectly obvious where this is coming from in me; a lifetime (over 30 years) of having to justify myself and every single reason I give for any choice I make being invalidated. It's like I'm not allowed to leave because I don't have any good reason to. And what is a good reason is purely the opinion of him, I don't have a right to an opinion or to make decisions for myself.
Sejrussin, you are spot on. I think this thinking we have that we have to have a reason and it has to be accepted is really what is holding us back. I have 1000 reasons to leave my uNPDw, but obviously she doesn't accept any of them and therefor I am still here. It's crazy I know, we shouldn't have to justify leaving a relationship - abusive or not. Sure, the other person have the right to feel sad we are leaving but have no right to not accept we are leaving. For "friends" and family, it's not really any of their business if we decide to leave a relationship or not.
Good luck!
Hello sejrussin,
your observation about us who feel the need to justify is correct.
Still, what do we say?
Normal people do say something because the other side deserves an explanation but with PDs no explanation is a good explanation.
When I left I told the truth: that I see no point in living together when I' m not up to his expectations and that I'm worn out.
That was the last of me. That time I didn't bother to convince him.
I was just myself.
As for others, I played by ear and left the listeners their own interpretation.
I agree with all of the above with a few additions.
Always be honest with yourself and with your family. As for the PD, you owe them nothing. It is best to dive into the toolbox and use whatever tools you can to stay mentally healthy and safe.
As for your child, that is where the truth can be tricky. Expect the unexpected. Whatever your think will happen, may not. So be honest and share what you are comfortable with sharing. Take the time to listen to your feelings because it will be a tricky time.
Don't expect friends to stay the same. And they won't and that's ok. Look at this time as a means of new opportunity and growth. Give yourself time, peace and space to heal.
Lastly, this is your time. You own no one anything.