There's been a history of abuse and cruelty from older PD sister all my life. There has not been one good moment, not one fun memory, never any kind of relationship. When mom died, sis did not tell me. When sis' husband died, no one told me (and I had fond memories of him, having seen him at holidays). When sis' brother-in-law died, no one told me (and I had fond memories of him too). Yet, sis has had no relationship with anyone from our side of the family, while I do enjoy relationships with cousins, etc. My childhood memories are all of putdowns, mocking, ridicule and condescension, which carried even into adulthood. And in adulthood, the manipulation and games escalated against me with PD sis and PD mom.
Example: Just before my wedding (second marriage, very small event) my mother urged me to invite sis, despite there being no relationship at all....despite sis having events for her family and never inviting me. (Mom would brag to me later how lovely they were, knowing darn well I wasn't there and perhaps trying to strike out at me.) So I did not want to extend the wedding invite, considering the history. Mom pushed and pushed for me to "extend the olive branch" and be the "bigger person." Future H, not knowing the history, got sucked into this. So I called PD sis and invited her to my wedding. Here is her response:
"Well, thank you for giving me my laugh for the day!!" Click. And she hung up.
My mother knew darn well what the reaction would be, yet she led me down that path. M later actually bragged about it to her own sister, who replied that it was the most classless thing she had ever heard of.
What mother sets up her own daughter for hurt? And how cruel can one person be?
Now PD sis has passed away (which I found out from Facebook). I feel nothing more than if it was hearing about an acquaintance. I actually felt sad when her husband and brother-in-law died, since there were some nice memories with them. But with this, there's nothing. I don't miss what I never had.
Now I feel a strange peace, that all the sis/mom games have finally ended (both parents are gone now too). In fact, my inner self is telling that little girl from years ago, "For the first time in your life - and for the rest of your life - they can't hurt you anymore."
I am resting easy and being gentle with myself. I am looking forward to the rest of my life.
Just curious, has anyone else experienced this? It definitely is new, but freeing at the same time.
Thank you!
I haven't experienced this but I am glad you are getting some peace. These sorts of things can bring up very complicated emotions. Go easy on yourself for awhile in case anything else bubbles up. And enjoy your peace!
Hi, Penny Lane - yes, I'm prepared for things to seemingly creep in out of nowhere. But in reading some of the other posts on this board, people's experiences are so similar, it actually helps reading through the encouraging words. This site is such a wonderful resource.
Thank you!
Hi Chowder
I can relate in part to your experience. Both my narc parents are dead and I remember the feeling that they can't hurt me anymore. Unfortunately, they can and did because they trained my narc siblings really well.
That said, I've taken the time to process my feeling around how my parents treated me. It was a grieving process and like all grief it took time. The reason I mention this is because once my parents died, I felt safe to be me. And once I felt safe, then feelings I'd buried came to the surface.
Enjoy the feeling of freedom. It's a good feeling.
Thanks for the kind words, Blodyn. Sounds like you're doing well navigating your feelings, even after your parents are gone but the sibs are still present. Hope you continue to discover positive things and make progress every day.