Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Separating & Divorcing => Topic started by: 11JB68 on October 15, 2021, 09:04:22 PM

Title: Meditation?
Post by: 11JB68 on October 15, 2021, 09:04:22 PM
I'm so in limbo on everything.
I planned a discussion with Updh soon and have thought whether to just say I want a divorce.
I looked into meditation as it should be less costly and had a phone appointment but chickened out and didn't answer.
Title: Re: Meditation?
Post by: PlantFlowersNotWeeds on October 16, 2021, 12:20:38 PM
I decided to NOT go with mediation for my divorce. 
For multiple reasons - based on my research and reading posts from here but primarily because....
1. We can not even talk about washing dishes - who's responsible? how to come up with a plan? etc...  Bottom line, the dirty dishes are NEVER his and he washes them ALOT.  Yeah, his reality not the reality every one else is living.
2.  We are not balanced financially - he abuses me financially, so, I wanted a lawyer to represent me fully.

I haven't regretted my decision...yet.  I dislike this process and lawyers 110%, but it's all necessary.
Title: Re: Meditation?
Post by: Lauren17 on October 17, 2021, 02:44:46 AM
I would recommend researching divorce options where you live. The things I learned online are slightly different than how things locally.
Here, the judge orders mediation prior to a trial. So, we both have lawyers, but will also meet with a mediator.
Sometimes mediators have a legal background and sometime they have a psychology background.
The thing I’m learning about mediation is it’s all about being reasonable and compromising. That’s hard when you’re dealing with a PD. Thanks
Whatever you decide, I encourage you to learn as much as you and be firm in your choice before you talk to H.
Title: Re: Meditation?
Post by: 11JB68 on October 17, 2021, 04:14:57 PM
Thx. Glad you all got that I meant mediation ...NOT meditation... :roll:
Title: Re: Meditation?
Post by: Latchkey on October 17, 2021, 05:06:22 PM
I would be careful with mediation because it can get very costly if there is a lot of hesitation and back and forth, which from what I know of your story, there seems to be a lot of denial/mind changing on the part of your PDH.

Since you are still trying to weigh options I think talking with the mediators and also with a few good attorneys will give you a sense of things and should help ease your mind about the process.

In my first divorce I looked at mediation but was told since there was abuse that there could be no mediation.
Title: Re: Meditation?
Post by: Poison Ivy on October 17, 2021, 05:54:42 PM
Meditation, yes. Mediation, no (at least not in your situation, if you can avoid it).
Title: Re: Meditation?
Post by: 11JB68 on October 18, 2021, 12:06:59 AM
Poison ivy 😂
Title: Re: Meditation?
Post by: SonofThunder on October 18, 2021, 10:13:38 AM
Thx. Glad you all got that I meant mediation ...NOT meditation... :roll:

Hmmm 🤔. I wish i COULD meditate myself through a divorce in peace and quiet.  My uPDw wouldnt even know what happened but all of a sudden found herself alone in the home and all my possessions went ‘poof!!’  :stars:

SoT
Title: Re: Meditation?
Post by: SonofThunder on October 18, 2021, 10:17:53 AM
I would be careful with mediation because it can get very costly if there is a lot of hesitation and back and forth, which from what I know of your story, there seems to be a lot of denial/mind changing on the part of your PDH.

Since you are still trying to weigh options I think talking with the mediators and also with a few good attorneys will give you a sense of things and should help ease your mind about the process.

In my first divorce I looked at mediation but was told since there was abuse that there could be no mediation.

Latchkey, would you kindly expand and explain what you wrote in this sentence, so i understand?  “…but was told since there was abuse that there could be no mediation.

Thanks,

SoT
Title: Re: Meditation?
Post by: Penny Lane on October 18, 2021, 11:36:30 AM
Not Latchkey, but my DH had to take a level 2 parenting class when he went back to court with his ex for the second time. When the teacher (it was one on one) heard his story, she pulled out a domestic violence worksheet, or something like that. And she said that mediation is not recommended in cases of abuse because of the dynamics involved. My sense was that they are concerned that the abuser will use mediation to coerce the victim. DH had to go to mediation anyway, it was a requirement for changing the order.

He got a little bit done in mediation, but I think that's only because they had to go and participate. I wouldn't count on being able to mediate an entire divorce.
Title: Re: Meditation?
Post by: SonofThunder on October 19, 2021, 08:46:42 AM
Not Latchkey, but my DH had to take a level 2 parenting class when he went back to court with his ex for the second time. When the teacher (it was one on one) heard his story, she pulled out a domestic violence worksheet, or something like that. And she said that mediation is not recommended in cases of abuse because of the dynamics involved. My sense was that they are concerned that the abuser will use mediation to coerce the victim. DH had to go to mediation anyway, it was a requirement for changing the order.

He got a little bit done in mediation, but I think that's only because they had to go and participate. I wouldn't count on being able to mediate an entire divorce.

Thank you Penny Lane, i now understand the statement Latchkey made.  Makes sense, considering the potential coercion from an abuser. 

SoT