Recent posts
#1
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: new development: non-PD si...
Last post by moglow - Today at 05:10:55 PMWhen some people spin up a story our of air and moonbeams, not only do they believe it themselves but somehow have the ability to make it really believable to others as well. Mountain, molehill. Is mom bored and there's not been enough drama for her in a while??
All you can honestly do is take the emotion out of it with something like, Sis. I never suggested that to mother. I *would not* have said that to her, mainly because we were already tentatively making plans elsewhere. I just told her we were traveling to xyz next year and suggested we get together at some point while we're there. At no point was it even suggested "oh please run out and rent us a place so we can all stay together!" She ran full throttle in her own mind and tried to make plans for us that were never discussed.
Then change the subject and carry on. You can't fix this for mom and while I'm sorry sis is getting an earful, she can't fix it either.
All you can honestly do is take the emotion out of it with something like, Sis. I never suggested that to mother. I *would not* have said that to her, mainly because we were already tentatively making plans elsewhere. I just told her we were traveling to xyz next year and suggested we get together at some point while we're there. At no point was it even suggested "oh please run out and rent us a place so we can all stay together!" She ran full throttle in her own mind and tried to make plans for us that were never discussed.
Then change the subject and carry on. You can't fix this for mom and while I'm sorry sis is getting an earful, she can't fix it either.
#2
Week 2: The Power of Radical Acceptance / Re: The reason for the boundar...
Last post by LoverofPeace - Today at 05:06:51 PMThe May Mental Health Awareness Month is a great thing for people to be able to focus on the things we're dealing with for the sake of healing ourselves. Of course, it should be every day/month/year.
DARVO is such an evil thing to do to others, whether conscious or not. I know we're dealing with people who are emotionally stagnant, but I can't help but to feel their victims are left with holding so much for one human to have to bear. And please understand I know the post is in the interest of the victims; I'm just empathizing on what I feel about this subject in general.
Trees, it hit home with me when you mentioned how people with disorders can easily lead us into danger akin to 'stranger danger'. I have been faced with this predicament more times than I care to admit. And while I am proud that I have adamantly told that person 'H** no!' each time (you have to really put your foot down hard with them), they would still insist! In the end, I would stand my ground. But I am still somewhat scarred by it each time, because it also reminds me that I wasn't really loved by that person (whether friend, lover, or family member).
One example is that I had a friend I used to go jogging with along a pier. It was already getting dark this particular day, and I was ready to turn back to head home. But this friend wanted to continue running under an elevated part of a highway we were coming upon. Not only did I tell her, 'H** no!, I'm heading back', she kept insisting we run under there instead of realizing how dumb an idea that was. So, I held my ground and replied (after many attempts from her),'You can go if you want, I'm going back'.
Not only did I make a U-turn (and of course, she followed) that's when it started dawning on me that this 'friend' (10 years older than me, mind you), wasn't mentally/emotionally living in the real world. She is not a friend to me anymore, as she did other things that made me cuss her out and leave the friendship alone for good. While I wish I had been more patient with leaving her alone, I did become worn down from her not respecting my boundaries. I used to believe she wouldn't do that, but this is why it's important to take your time getting to know someone. I now think she is somewhere on that NPD scale.
Regardless of if she is or not, I advise to never let someone talk you into doing something that you know is not good for you. And Trees, even the physical danger still applies to a grown person. It's hard to admit but even grown, well-balanced people, do still cave into elder or peer pressure.
And sometimes, like now, I am faced with something that I am so tired figuring out (but still trying). It's something as complicated as family matters. Even after walking away, that is one of the groups that gets to suck you back in the easiest. Because issues like deaths, births, holidays, marriages, etc., etc. will pop up. And even if you say, 'No' to something concerning it, you eventually find yourself having to untangle yourself from that family member, or members, in some way. Yet again.
So, while I have been able to figure out the friendship/boundary thing (how close or far you want that person to be), and even the family/boundary (the same close/far thing), how to keep certain family members out of your life forever when you have these things come up beyond your control and it pulls you back in (even for a little while, when you never wanted to see that member(s) again?
My ultimate advice is to always take care of your mental health, even when it's during those peaceful times. Thus, that's why that's my own username.
P.S. To Lemonlime, thank you for this. Because, boy, do I feel like that nowadays:
And thank God for God! 🙏🏻☮
DARVO is such an evil thing to do to others, whether conscious or not. I know we're dealing with people who are emotionally stagnant, but I can't help but to feel their victims are left with holding so much for one human to have to bear. And please understand I know the post is in the interest of the victims; I'm just empathizing on what I feel about this subject in general.
Trees, it hit home with me when you mentioned how people with disorders can easily lead us into danger akin to 'stranger danger'. I have been faced with this predicament more times than I care to admit. And while I am proud that I have adamantly told that person 'H** no!' each time (you have to really put your foot down hard with them), they would still insist! In the end, I would stand my ground. But I am still somewhat scarred by it each time, because it also reminds me that I wasn't really loved by that person (whether friend, lover, or family member).
One example is that I had a friend I used to go jogging with along a pier. It was already getting dark this particular day, and I was ready to turn back to head home. But this friend wanted to continue running under an elevated part of a highway we were coming upon. Not only did I tell her, 'H** no!, I'm heading back', she kept insisting we run under there instead of realizing how dumb an idea that was. So, I held my ground and replied (after many attempts from her),'You can go if you want, I'm going back'.
Not only did I make a U-turn (and of course, she followed) that's when it started dawning on me that this 'friend' (10 years older than me, mind you), wasn't mentally/emotionally living in the real world. She is not a friend to me anymore, as she did other things that made me cuss her out and leave the friendship alone for good. While I wish I had been more patient with leaving her alone, I did become worn down from her not respecting my boundaries. I used to believe she wouldn't do that, but this is why it's important to take your time getting to know someone. I now think she is somewhere on that NPD scale.
Regardless of if she is or not, I advise to never let someone talk you into doing something that you know is not good for you. And Trees, even the physical danger still applies to a grown person. It's hard to admit but even grown, well-balanced people, do still cave into elder or peer pressure.
And sometimes, like now, I am faced with something that I am so tired figuring out (but still trying). It's something as complicated as family matters. Even after walking away, that is one of the groups that gets to suck you back in the easiest. Because issues like deaths, births, holidays, marriages, etc., etc. will pop up. And even if you say, 'No' to something concerning it, you eventually find yourself having to untangle yourself from that family member, or members, in some way. Yet again.
So, while I have been able to figure out the friendship/boundary thing (how close or far you want that person to be), and even the family/boundary (the same close/far thing), how to keep certain family members out of your life forever when you have these things come up beyond your control and it pulls you back in (even for a little while, when you never wanted to see that member(s) again?
My ultimate advice is to always take care of your mental health, even when it's during those peaceful times. Thus, that's why that's my own username.
P.S. To Lemonlime, thank you for this. Because, boy, do I feel like that nowadays:
QuoteI find this whole world and process a bit surreal. Like.....wow, am I living in a parallel universe?
And thank God for God! 🙏🏻☮
#3
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: new development: non-PD si...
Last post by DaisyGirl77 - Today at 03:41:41 PMI just finished a memoir where the author lost his entire family because of the steady drip drip drip of poison in their ears from people who hated his wife & blamed her for being the catalyst in the family system's failure. (She wasn't.) So I'm going to say that you've removed yourself from the picture. She's fallen for that drip-fed poison. I'm really sorry. You can send a neutral text saying the plan was always to stay with those relatives & you're very puzzled over the unwarranted attack as others have suggested, but I'd honestly say goodbye to her in my mind & grieve that loss, too, if I were in your shoes.
Maybe someday she'll come to her senses.
Maybe someday she'll come to her senses.
#4
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: new development: non-PD si...
Last post by Call Me Cordelia - Today at 11:44:44 AMOh boy. It might be worthwhile to set the record straight with sis ONE time. You never discussed staying together, that was all coming from her. You knew nothing about whether they were even coming and she's mad you made your own plans? Do I have that right?
Even if you had known they we're going to come, your sister's reaction sounds way OOT. You do want to spend time together, just not share a house. If she's angry because you are friendly with relatives she doesn't get along with, okay, but your relationships are not tied to hers. It seems like a lot of all or nothing thinking going on here.
Even if you had known they we're going to come, your sister's reaction sounds way OOT. You do want to spend time together, just not share a house. If she's angry because you are friendly with relatives she doesn't get along with, okay, but your relationships are not tied to hers. It seems like a lot of all or nothing thinking going on here.
#5
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: new development: non-PD si...
Last post by sunshine702 - Today at 11:43:29 AMThe grandiose big vacation house fantasy.
My Narc mom did that. There was a Narc injury (golden grandchild who was a toddler could not come to the cliff side (literally) one hour wedding vows ceremony. It was just too dangerous. Adults only. Everyone else was welcome at the reception!
Well Narc mom took that slight and tried to plan a "family reunion/ FAMILY reunion at this vacation cabin just after. My husband and I (FAMILY) were not invited lol.
Narcs RUIN all trips with their games.
Uhug yuck. Yours sounds like the usual triangulated mess.
My Narc mom did that. There was a Narc injury (golden grandchild who was a toddler could not come to the cliff side (literally) one hour wedding vows ceremony. It was just too dangerous. Adults only. Everyone else was welcome at the reception!
Well Narc mom took that slight and tried to plan a "family reunion/ FAMILY reunion at this vacation cabin just after. My husband and I (FAMILY) were not invited lol.
Narcs RUIN all trips with their games.
Uhug yuck. Yours sounds like the usual triangulated mess.
#6
Celebrating Ourselves / Re: I bought a psychic session
Last post by sunshine702 - Today at 11:03:01 AMThis was my third time ever doing it. I did a pet psychic with two of my beloved doggies that passed. It was my Christmas Gift to myself this year. Oh each time I felt like it was the best darn money I have EVER spent! Just like their subtle gas lighting is powerful. Maybe I am incapable you start to believe or maybe I am being dramatic and they are not betraying me.
Nope I learned I was dead right and to trust that! I feel 1000 percent stronger! I told my father in law that I liked him. He liked me too. I felt that. He was worried about his son not leaning into me. That was the "you take care of her comment"
Oh the best — apparently he did not trust his wife in the end — he knew she would be a greedy Narc schemer. He was trying to tell me about some papers hidden in the shop some sort of rough will. Sadly I don't think I can get to it
The dreams have stopped.
And I dreamed of my recently passed dog sitting smiling in front of my new apartment door 😢
Honestly it was better than therapy ten fold for me!
Nope I learned I was dead right and to trust that! I feel 1000 percent stronger! I told my father in law that I liked him. He liked me too. I felt that. He was worried about his son not leaning into me. That was the "you take care of her comment"
Oh the best — apparently he did not trust his wife in the end — he knew she would be a greedy Narc schemer. He was trying to tell me about some papers hidden in the shop some sort of rough will. Sadly I don't think I can get to it
The dreams have stopped.
And I dreamed of my recently passed dog sitting smiling in front of my new apartment door 😢
Honestly it was better than therapy ten fold for me!
#7
Celebrating Ourselves / Re: I bought a psychic session
Last post by escapingman - Today at 10:51:13 AMThat is great sunshine, step out into the unknown. I have got into the spiritual following my divorce to uNPDxw, I believe meeting her was meant to be to waken me up and get free of the shackles of my FOO. I have been thinking of trying a psychic, but to scared to actually go ahead and book one.
Your post is encouraging for me, thanks for sharing and keep on the good work.
Your post is encouraging for me, thanks for sharing and keep on the good work.
#8
Chosen Relationships / Re: Question about Malintent
Last post by Tryingtounderstand - Today at 10:27:36 AMI am having a tough time today. This coming Sunday marks three weeks since i left my home. I have not spoken to my SO since i left except for a brief text regarding work being done to the outside of the home. I have not reached out and neither has she. The only pseudo communication has been through the use social media with relationship memes. She knows i see these things and this was a tool used in the last split which i wholeheartedly fell for. I am in a state of doubt about leaving the relationship. A part of me feels like I'm doing the wrong thing and giving up and the other part feels just. I try to look at the bright side of a better future but don't know if its with or without her. I keep looking for that ah ha moment and validation for my decision but i cant seem to find comfort in anything. I guess one of my biggest fears is the "what if" I don't want to make a mistake. My gut tells me its the right thing to do but i feel stuck in doubt. We co own a home together and its a very difficult decision with this in mind. I know people shouldn't stay together for the sake of convenience but i feel everything is such a waste especially when i am not resistant to putting in effort and a desire to grow with this person.
I have to try and reach out soon because this needs to come to a conclusion so we can both move on. She has three children and i have a daughter. My daughter is not currently with me but at her grandmother's. I am currently renting and responsible for half the mortgage until either the house is sold or one of us buys the other out. Its a beautiful home that we got at a great price and low interest which i would hate to see go.
I would like to reach out to her. I feel the time apart has given me the ability to communicate more clearly. Before i was dysregulated and extremely frustrated. In other words i was a "loose cannon"
I want to give her the freedom to speak and be vulnerable with me but i don't know if that is possible. Hope someone might have some insight, thanks
I have to try and reach out soon because this needs to come to a conclusion so we can both move on. She has three children and i have a daughter. My daughter is not currently with me but at her grandmother's. I am currently renting and responsible for half the mortgage until either the house is sold or one of us buys the other out. Its a beautiful home that we got at a great price and low interest which i would hate to see go.
I would like to reach out to her. I feel the time apart has given me the ability to communicate more clearly. Before i was dysregulated and extremely frustrated. In other words i was a "loose cannon"
I want to give her the freedom to speak and be vulnerable with me but i don't know if that is possible. Hope someone might have some insight, thanks
#9
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: new development: non-PD si...
Last post by Jane Doe - Today at 08:53:25 AMGosh, they are all alike aren't they!
I'm sorry things got twisted around on you. You didn't do anything wrong but it appears that the PD person did a bait & Switch on you to make it appear it's your fault. My N mother always makes it someone's fault but never hers.
If I were in your shoes I'd stay away from all of them, not sure if that is good advice or not I'm still new at this but it's what I usually do with mean ppl, I run and hide! 🫣
I'm sorry things got twisted around on you. You didn't do anything wrong but it appears that the PD person did a bait & Switch on you to make it appear it's your fault. My N mother always makes it someone's fault but never hers.
If I were in your shoes I'd stay away from all of them, not sure if that is good advice or not I'm still new at this but it's what I usually do with mean ppl, I run and hide! 🫣
#10
Celebrating Ourselves / Re: I bought a psychic session
Last post by Starboard Song - Today at 08:23:04 AMSometimes we have something we just need to hear. If the words can be put together then it can really happen for us, sort of. I get that. I like that you even throw in, "even if it is hogwash." Yep. Even if. Sometimes we can need an optimistic vision to aspire to.
Go do it. Go make it happen. We believe in you.
Go do it. Go make it happen. We believe in you.