Recent Posts

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The Welcome Mat / Re: Hi there. Still wiping fog off my glasses
« Last post by guitarman on Today at 06:46:28 AM »
Welcome. You are not alone.

It can be very freeing to realise that you are not responsible for anyone else's behaviour. You can't change or control them. You can only change or control your own behaviour.

I learnt about the three Cs here. I didn't cause it. I can't cure it. I can't change it.

Best wishes

guitarman X
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Hello all
Tonight has been a difficult night for me and I need insight on what i should do with my chosen relationship.  My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for almost 3. We have a 6 year old daughter.  Tonight i caught my wife sexting with another man via instagram and has been caught multiple times with various other people over the years.  My question to you all is do you notice a reoccurring trend with significant other of when he or she may act out? Typically every year this happens during the same time and its startung to become draining. Every time we have a falling out we try to fix things and strengthen our communication. But then all of a sudden it becomes her not wanting to try or not caring to and saying mean hurtful things about getting a divorce. I'm a patient person and want to support my wife, knowing that mental disorders run in her family. Im not sure if it's the disorder talking or if she truly does not want to be with me.
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Maybe its futile to understand them,in a way you can t. I m 45 now,still havent got an answer to why i am treated this way,i only get tiny pieces and crumbs and that is largely from an effort done by me and an intensive work of therapy,going to self help groups,reading literature,going on forums like this etc. My sisters only explanation on why she has done this to me for nearly sixteen years now came in the form of an explosive gaslightning,projection,lie rolled into one meaning;
"Well, you ve been feeling bad(that is not well)i haven t been able to stand that"
Thats all i get after 16 years of intense pain and grief. She doesn t need more than that to ward it off.
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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Experience with EMDR?
« Last post by carrots on Today at 06:12:59 AM »
I haven't done EMDR. My T ruled it out in my case and uses less intrusive trauma therapy methods. For some people, it can bring up too much, too fast.

For further view points on EMDR, you could also check the sister website Out of The Storm. You could try this board https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=106.0 or just do a Search because comments on EMDR may be in members' Recovery Journals and who knows where else. Lots of members on OOTS are or have been in EMDR. Good luck with whatever you decide.
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The Welcome Mat / Re: Back exhausted, venting
« Last post by guitarman on Today at 06:07:08 AM »
Welcome. You are not alone.

You could be describing my undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. She exhibits all the behaviours beginning with S
sobbing, screaming, shouting, swearing, seeking money, suicidal and many others.

The most helpful person I have found online is the counsellor and author Kris Godinez who specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome.

She gives live talks most Sundays on her YouTube channel called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". Her talks are archived on her YouTube and Facebook sites.

I've found her very helpful and insightful.

Best wishes

guitarman X
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Chosen Relationships / Re: At my wits end with AV/OCPD girlfriend.
« Last post by Everchanging on Today at 03:50:51 AM »
All I said to her in the car was that I didn't understand her sometimes out of frustration because she didn't want to get her boy out of the car again to go for a walk. There seemed to me no logical reason why she couldn't get him out. She didn't want him to go on the playground either, as there were too many kids apparently. My comment set her off, she said she didn't get me either, there was tense silence and she dropped me back at my car and left.

Later on she accuses me of cracking it because of her unwillingness to get her boy out of the car again and doing what I had in mind, which was walking along an esplanade. I hardly would've called it cracking it. It was an expression of frustration as I knew I wasn't going to get her to change her mind. It was a dead end. She was upset by my frustration or getting all shitty as she called it and said that ends up making her feel like a terrible mother.

I can't for the life of me see how that would make her feel that way. In her head, I can, but in mine, that's an extreme thing to say, that I make her feel like a terrible mother. If that is major guilt she's trying to place on me and she chooses to self loathe because of that, then that's her choice, I'm not going to reciprocate in an attempt to make her feel otherwise by saying, well you are not a terrible mother for starters..

I said to her, enjoy your little holiday down here, out of spite because of her behaviour leaving me by my car without a word. Perhaps not a great choice in comment, but I can't change that now. I was angry with her. She took that as, I no longer wished to stay with her when she was to visit. I may have conveyed that kind of hostile tone in my message because I was angry, but I certainly didn't mean it. I intended to stay with her during her visit. We all say things we don't mean sometimes right? I was sure she wouldn't have believed me. As if I was going to pass up an opportunity to spend time with her and her boy... It turned out that I was wrong.

So, that was that. She invited her best friend to go along with her instead without consulting with me. She hasn't called. There's a part of me that would like to meet her, but there's a part of me that just wants to forget that she's 10 minutes down the road and that she's here at all.

I don't know what to make of it, I think it's very destructive of her. It feels hopeless. She knows how much her boy loves to see me and how much I love to play with him. I had fallen in love with her boy. I don't have kids of my own.

I know that I love her. She loves me too. We've known each other a long time. At the end of the day, I know that this is a person with a mental illness. Something is not right and I've known this for quite a few years. But, I will never get her to admit this herself let alone accept it. It would be a fruitless endeavor even if I tried.

It's been something I've struggled with and felt alone with for some time, but how do I make her understand that? I feel a great deal of compassion for her boy as the father is not involved and it must be very challenging for her. But I know that it would always be like this between she and I. Not a healthy relationship.
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Working on Us / Need advice from recovering perfectionists
« Last post by KittyKat on Today at 03:22:49 AM »
This may sound silly, but maybe not to you all, which is why Iím asking here. I need advice on how to shift my thinking. Iím just about to publish a book. This book represents so many things to me: It is an homage to my cat who passed, who was one of only three of my family members left after I went NC with my whole family (the other was another cat who died 11 mo prior, and I have my husband). But also itís this thing inside of me that is the first thing I have really ever succeeded at since Iíve spent a lifetime being sabotaged by my family. (A family who would find fault if I were to win the Nobel Peace Prize.)

Anywho, Iím about ready to publish. Itís been a hard road with more bumps than most self-publishers encounter. But it was doubly hard for me because some of my main issues arising from my upbringing are difficulty in making decisions (the minutia is mind-bending), my perfectionism and my fear of making mistakes. (And the self-beating up that goes along with them.)

I feel like when people hear these things they are just words to them. They donít know the true internal torment associated with them. So, where I am now is that Iíve uploaded the book for the umpteenth time and ordered a hard-copy proof. I thought I could publish the last round but realized I made a grieveous error, and I contacted the designer who made those and a few other changes.

There was one minor change, however, I neglected to ask her for. Itís tiny. Itís not even grammatically incorrect, itís just something that is a minor inconsistency that virtually nobody would probably ever notice. Certainly not big enough to send it back to the designer, BUT ... I know itís there.

So, then it started: ďHow could I be so stupid as to miss this when I had one last chance to fix it?Ē ďItís now going to be out there in every bookĒ (the minute I hit ďaccept and publishĒ). Itís stupid. I know, but I donít think people who arenít perfectionists because of their upbringing of people telling them .. me ... how stupid I am for making a mistake, or how worthless or whatever ... I donít think they get the torment. Theyíre like, ĎItís a piece of punctuation. Itís nothing.Ē  Okay, I know that, but I KNOW itís there.

Does anyone understand this feeling? So Iíve been trying to feel better by changing my view of that one little error. Like: ďThatís my big FU to my family. I can be imperfect and still be perfect in my imperfection. This one imperfection does not make me ... or the book ... a defect.Ē  I mean, if they ever find out I published a book theyíll find fault with it anyway, so Iím trying to think of this one minicule error as representative of something else. ďIn your faceí or otherwise.

Do you recovering perfectionists have any other suggestions on how I can change my thinking to not only not care about this tiny flaw, but embrace it as something intentional and good? I donít want the effects of my family to ruin this for me. I mean, already, one of the reasons I neglected it was because I was always so afraid of asking for changes. I worked really hard on that in telling myself, ďIím paying this person, I can ask for what I want.Ē But I didnít here and I need to change my thinking on why.

Any and all brainstorming of Ďchange your frame of referenceí ideas would be appreciated. I want to feel proud of this book as an accomplishment in spite of my family and the influence theyíve held on me all these many years.

(As reference, Iíve been NC with 5 Narc family members, 3 overt and 2 covert for the past 5 years. My journey started when I realized I didnít need their approval anymore because they felt that my success was their failure and my failure was there success.)

Thanks,
K.
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**update** last week my son celebrated a bday.  She contacts my DH telling him she is going to leave his gift on our porch.  My DH told her no, he wanted to sit down and talk to her and would get it then.  We had made a therapy appointment to figure all this out with her and he was waiting to address anything with her until after that appointment.   So several times over the next week she asked to drop the gift off on the porch.  (Because it's totally normal to leave a 4 year olds present on the porch and not be asking to actually give it to him) but anyway each and every time he told her No I will get it when we talk.  Well this morning we had our therapy.  It went well, I think DH is finally getting it a little more and was going to address a few things with her per our therapists advice, mainly about her trying to come between his marriage and addressing her smear campaigns. Before we could figure out a time that would work and he could even reach out setting something up with her, when we went to my sons preschool today to pick him up, THERES THE GIFT. Hanging on his coat hook.  I was livid!!  I dont believe she actually was able to see him but I will get confirmation from the school on that tomorrow.  But just the fact that she once again disrespected our wishes and did what she knows damn well was not okay with us.   So after seeing that my husband texted her asking if tomorrow night would work for him to come by and she has still not responded.  My guess is she won't, as her way to control this and have it her way and not let my DH have an opportunity to say his piece. I'm not sure where to go from here if she continues to ignore him and beyond that I really wanted to hear what other peoples takes on all of this was. I don't believe this gift was about my son at all. It was about her saying "f*&^ you, I will give this to him when I want". Another way to put it blatantly in our faces that she doesnt give a damn what we say. That's my take but please let me know your thoughts.
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New word for pd craziness:

Popsiclegate.

I've experienced many of these over the years.

It's enough to make you want to eat a whole box of...popsicles.

AOD

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Dealing with PD In-Laws / Re: I need advice - DH in fog
« Last post by Nakedtruth01 on Today at 01:24:53 AM »
**update** last week my son celebrated a bday.  She contacts my DH telling him she is going to leave his gift on our porch.  My DH told her no, he wanted to sit down and talk to her and would get it then.  We had made a therapy appointment to figure all this out with her and he was waiting to address anything with her until after that appointment.   So several times over the next week she asked to drop the gift off on the porch.  (Because it's totally normal to leave a 4 year olds present on the porch and not be asking to actually give it to him) but anyway each and every time he told her No I will get it when we talk.  Well this morning we had our therapy.  It went well, I think DH is finally getting it a little more and was going to address a few things with her per our therapists advice, mainly about her trying to come between his marriage and addressing her smear campaigns. Before we could figure out a time that would work and he could even reach out setting something up with her, when we went to my sons preschool today to pick him up, THERES THE GIFT. Hanging on his coat hook.  I was livid!!  I dont believe she actually was able to see him but I will get confirmation from the school on that tomorrow.  But just the fact that she once again disrespected our wishes and did what she knows damn well was not okay with us.   So after seeing that my husband texted her asking if tomorrow night would work for him to come by and she has still not responded.  My guess is she won't, as her way to control this and have it her way and not let my DH have an opportunity to say his piece. I'm not sure where to go from here if she continues to ignore him and beyond that I really wanted to hear what other peoples takes on all of this was. I don't believe this gift was about my son at all. It was about her saying "f*&^ you, I will give this to him when I want". Another way to put it blatantly in our faces that she doesnt give a damn what we say. That's my take but please let me know your thoughts.
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