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Quote
"That dog is too attached to you for my liking."
GOOD NEWS!! She doesn't have to like it.
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Non-PD Dad's Forum / Tipping-point
« Last post by user19570 on Today at 10:03:09 PM »
I’ve been married for 21 years now. The first few were great and at the same time very trying, as we learned that my wife suffered greatly from continual cycles of guilt, anger, shame and an inability to be intimate or comfortable with closeness.

The therapist at the time suggested it could have been bi-polar but given the rapidity of the swings between happy and extreme anger, that didn’t quite fit (I am convinced she’s BPD). What we did learn was that being away from her emotionally abusive mother (NBPD) and sister’s (BPD) daily calamities calmed things and removed her from their daily mental manipulation and games. We moved countries and got a lot more stability back for those first 10 years, even with her mother visiting briefly every year or so, to see the young kids.

In the meantime, as a couple with two kids and no nearby family, we battled through the typical hardships of juggling work, time and finances, plus her explosive rage as best we could. The kids and I learned to not argue back, ever, and to tread lightly and not say things that would risk triggering her.

Then her father died, and on his deathbed confessed that he had not wanted to survive and deal with the mother any further and this was his way to get out… but at the same time he made my wife promise that she’d make sure the mother was looked after (another massive guilt trip perfectly laid).

My wife was furious that her mother had committed such torment and pain on the family their whole lives and particularly on the father, going so far as to call her a monster and not wanting to be near her.
That lasted a year before she brought her over to visit us and to try “patch things up with her mother and see if they could learn to be close”. She stayed with us for three months and my wife battled her way through letting her guard down and trying to be close to her mother and learn to understand her. As a family, the kids and I did not protest or interfere in this time for her to try make amends with her mother.
Unfortunately, this has continued for the last 10 years. Every year, my wife flies her mother over to stay with us for 3 more months to spend time with her and give her a better quality of life in her old age.

At each subsequent visit, I can see her mother getting bolder and more comfortable in how she manipulates my wife through guilt, playing the victim, passive aggressive behaviours and trying to pit family members against each other. At each visit my wife has become more tightly bonded to her mother, become massively defensive and protective over her, feeling more and more guilty that she isn’t able to spend enough good time with her as she gets old and may never live up to be a good enough daughter. With each visit, I feel my wife slip further away from me (and even the kids). Coincidentally, it also seems that we have recurring relationship issues with her deciding it is over, usually about the time her mother is preparing to leave or just after she’s gone back home after her long stay.

I’ve watched our teenagers grow more distant from her mother (their grandmother) and start avoiding her, saying she acts creepy and messes with their heads and don’t like how she affects their mother. Over the last four years, I have found myself actively avoiding her for those 3 months that she is here, hating how she takes my headstrong wife and turns her into a child again; angry, confused, lacking self-esteem, distant and acting like everyone’s out to get her. It feels like her mother is actively disassembling our family.

I can’t openly discuss any of the effects related to her mother with her, or she goes ballistic and will smash doors and scream and swear about how others just can’t seem to understand that she is just trying to learn to be close to her mother.

Anyhow, her mother left this weekend, after a very tense 3 months where I managed for the first time to have a frank conversation with her mother about her visits and how the length of these stays effects the family and our relationship. It was tense after that, but my wife had acknowledged that she should perhaps have taken the time to understand the children’s and my feelings before imposing her mother on us every year, so things became as normal as possible for the remainder of her stay, albeit awkward. No shouting or screaming, just my wife feeling guilty that she wasn’t giving her mother enough of a good time and her mother acting like the kids and I hate her.

As her mother waived goodbye, my wife burst into tears and sobs (first time that’s happened on a departure) and since then hasn’t talked to me of the kids for three days now.

It feels like my mother-in-law has managed to form a bond now with my wife that makes her the protector and at any cost, she will now defend her mother against all the imaginary attackers out there (an aside, her mother has no friends as she alienated them all years ago and her remaining siblings avoid her as best they can). She seems to be able to disarm my wife, then brings back all her personal insecurities, anxieties and hollowness, making her feel lost without her mother.

I love her and have tried to not take things personally over the years, to be strong and consistent for the kids and to not judge or interfere in her family dynamics but feel that we have reached that tipping point where I can’t take another year of the pain this inflicts on me and the depression and self-doubt it causes. I see the kids now furious at her for playing these sulking games and (in their words) “choosing her mother’s feelings over theirs”.

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 :cloud9:  dogs rule! 
Good for you for not responding!
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Thank you for your reply Hikercymru.  For three week my uNPD husband has given me the silent treatment.  I asked him what his plans was and he didn't reply. So I told him a wanted a share of his savings. He said I was getting nothing till the divorce was done. So I asked  him when he was gonna start the divorce. And he asked me if I was ready.  Now he has gone to my dad who is also an uNPD, who I am in no contact with and has told him he was just on a break because we had difference but I have asked for divorce. He has also said this to his family members and friends. All this has made me more angry and tired. I don't get why he is throwing all blame on me. I don't want to be with him anymore.  But I feel so tired and exhausted. I am looking after the kids alone. My son has a medical condition and he only sees him on the Sunday. The girls don't even want to see him. And my dad is telling my brother to tell me to take him back. So frustrating. 
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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: She thinks lying is ok
« Last post by Danie on Today at 08:47:09 PM »
Hi Sunnymeadow. I think that is the best advice. I suspect, and I'm probably right, that it has to do with the enemy du-jour. I've been stressing over this. I visualize myself, in a booth, with her. She pulls out a wad of folded papers from her purse and shoves it in my face. I'm hyperventilating. I try to convince her to just divide it evenly between the 6 kids but she just keeps emphasizing how she was ignored or mistreated by someone.
I don't know why she couldn't tell me on the phone what's up?
I will ask her again what she needs and if it's something she's incapable of I will help her, but I won't get tangled up in her interpersonal battles.

My grandmother died in 2007. My mom and her sister were both executors. My mom took her sister off without her permission (illegal). My mom took a "lot" of her money while grandma was still alive, She had about 1 million dollars to divide.  It was supposed to be divided between mom, aunt, and 5 grandchildren. The five of us ended up with $30.000.00 each. That's $150.00 total and leaves $850,000.00; my aunt is already very wealthy because she was a heart surgeon. We're all aware of this but there was nothing we could do about it. I have bad feelings toward my mom about it and she knows it and now she wants to weaponize her (our) money to punish someone. Yup, I like your comments Sunnymeadow, thank you!
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Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: Contact Attempt
« Last post by TwentyTwenty on Today at 08:00:48 PM »
Once I decided to go NC, I decided exactly that, no contact. So a couple of weeks ago I got the first email in six months, and rather than cave and give a reply, I typed up a very concise, bullet list of the clearly explained beforehand reasons that I’ve decided to go no-contact. It took a couple of hours to complete, and with each point I validated my reasoning and resolve of why I will never reply to another attempt to manipulate me into obeying them to cave in and give a reply. I was very pleased and 100% convinced that I made my case correctly, plainly and easy to understand, then filed it on my USB backup share.

All of this was for my benefit, not theirs and they are still never getting a response from me.
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I visit my elderly mother as much as possible given that I live 100 miles away. Since Christmas, I have a delightful rescue puppy who is an absolute bundle of furry joy. My mother actually likes dogs so it's not a major problem but she came up with a real doozy yesterday. Zac follows me everywhere and snuggles up against me whenever I sit down. She obviously finds this problematical and said "That dog is too attached to you for my liking."  I didn't even react, it was so pathetic. Yes mum, the dog loves me for who I am. Wish you did!!!
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Separating & Divorcing / Re: Settlement conference
« Last post by KFel024 on Today at 07:12:22 PM »
Dear Liftedfog,

Am so sorry to hear about your situation.

I have used mediation before with success, but not in a situation like this.  Mediation is helpful for obvious reasons, could save a lot money that would potentially be lost to lawyer fees.  It does sound like a lose-lose though all the way around (i.e. having to support someone that could support themselves if they really wanted to).

That being said, is there a way for you to reasonably reduce the amount of assets you have without doing anything nefarious/criminal?  For example, you mentioned that you were fortunate enough to stay with you folks.  Have you been compensating them accordingly for rent/overhead commiserate with the area you live in?  If not, maybe they charge you a onetime fee to recoup those monies and store them away for you to recover as a gift at a later date.

Also, like others have mentioned, if your partner is truly disabled, they should be eligible to collect or should be collecting monies from the government, which hopefully would reduce any potential amount you would owe or be liable for.

On a side note, I do agree with your stance on marriage.  Why anybody would want to do it in this day and age is beyond me at this point.  I would be surprised if I ever got officially married again.  Too much risk for too little reward.
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Separating & Divorcing / Re: One year out
« Last post by KFel024 on Today at 06:45:04 PM »
Dear Hattie,

Thank you for the advice.  Have gone NC and plan to continue to do so as long as I have breath.  Got a new phone, phone number, removed from any sort of on-line connection, etc.

The past few days have been incredibly difficult.  Pretty much laying down, staring at the wall, trying to come to terms with why I chose to marry my npd partner to begin with.  There were so many reasons/red flags not to, yet I chose to do so, went all in and feel like I got utterly annihilated. 
   
I do believe in karma and do hope that things get better with time, which I believe they will.  So hard to go 180 degrees from settling down, starting a family, buying a home, etc. to get out of my life forever on the turn of a dime.  Is for the best, but cannot comprehend how someone I loved so dearly could end up being so cruel/callous.
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Separating & Divorcing / Re: what have you been blamed for?
« Last post by KFel024 on Today at 06:27:43 PM »
The most noteworthy one for me was being blamed as the crazy, unstable one.  At this point, I am convinced that, near the end of our relationship, my stbxnpd partner was provoking/tormenting/terrorizing me to the brink of insanity and then recording the aftermath.  I had no idea what was going on at the time and took the bait. 

The other notable one was for my anger, which did start manifesting itself overtime as I became more and more resentful towards her.  She mentioned on multiple occasions that I should attend anger management classes.  My response was usually something like I would go if you attend some as well and also that I was concerned they would simply recommend for me to remove myself from that environment and leave her.  I do take responsibility for my anger/actions and for staying in a toxic relationship.  I could have chosen to leave at any time.  Unfortunately, my heart and brain were not able to reconcile that one in my best interests.  Heart won out.
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