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Common Behaviors / Re: Harder to handle when ill yourself
« Last post by GentleSoul on Today at 12:49:58 AM »
Feel better soon, gentlesoul!

Thank you, Losing Myself, that is very kind of you.
My two cents.... take it for what it's worth and discard what doesn't make sense.

My girls began seeing their female dentist alone from day one.  That set the stage for their feeling empowered, having voice and agency over their bodies and fighting to go first at the dentist from then on.  Best case scenario from an anxious mom's perspective, which I was. 

Teeth and eyes are a thing in my family.  We're really uptight about those two things from birth.   

My girls had eye exams at school without me.   I would have been comfortable sending them for eye exams without me in the room from day one..... sending the message "You've got this... you can handle this.... you'll be fine" was instinctual, but overtaken by my NEEEED to know immediately or sooner if all was well, bc.... freaked about eyes and teeth family thing.  I sat in those appointments as I did with most of their pediatric appointments, but I never really trusted the peds not to say and do stupid things around food and weight. 

That said, I wore glasses from third grade on.  I could have worn contact lenses much sooner than I did, but my father said NO,  not sure why. Likely he thought it'd be a nightmare.... his side of the family is where the eye teeth thing came from, btw.  My eyes were perfect for contact lenses and I wore them well for...... 30 years then had lazer surgery with mono vision installed, which was really difficult to get used to.  The doctor refused to change eyes back to same vision, with me begging for contacts again.... he sent me away and I guess I got used to what I have now.  Sort of.   I'm still on the fence,  bc nothing is sharp at any distance AND I need reading glasses.  With contacts I had really sharp vision, even if I sort of needed reading glasses.  I say this, bc one day your son might consider having lasic.  My brother had it and he's not satisfied with his depth perception.  Things change, is all I'm saying.  Contact lenses were amazing from my perspective.   

Contact lenses are great bc your vision doesn't bob around on your face, as with glasses, or drive sweaty dents into your nose with their weight and constant pressure. 

If a child is responsible and capable.... if their eyes are perfectly formed to wear contacts... maybe the child should try contact lenses out at 9, 12, or 14yo.....  depending on the child.  My oldest failed with her one contact lense in 4th grade, but then she lost her glasses, lost her retainers.... we don't know where her glasses are NOW and she's 19yo.  She lost her computer once and it's still missing. 

Youngest dd never lost a retainer, always always wore them without having to be reminded and would have been a great candidate for contact lenses based on ability and maturity, IMO.  Different child from older sister.  She would likely have worn and kept up with a contact lense without trouble.

You might want to step back and let sm handle this eye stuff, bc she has experience and your son is buying into the PD narrative around your being controlling.... not trusting son to handle himself, etc. 

Maybe sending the message YOU TRUST HIM loud and clear will stuff that other PD narrative right down sm's throat.,  You DO believe in him, he doesn't need an adult to be OK, he has agency over himself and voice to impact his situations and future.   

Of course you'll pay attention to what's going on at every doctor's appointment and what he's considering.  You aren't turning your back... you're just giving him space and messages of deep abiding trust in him.

For the record, the PDs should follow the AGREEMENT to the letter, IMO, but ds shouldn't have to hear anything about it.

If you report their failure to comply to your attorney, and the PDs tell and complain to your ds about it..... I'd say that's nothing to do with ds, both parties have to follow the Judge's Order, it's not up to you or the PDs if the other parent follows it... it's up to the Judge.  DS doesn't have to waste his time listening to adults bicker over adult topics.  He has his own responsibilities... chores, discovering his passions and getting good grades.    You aren't bickering with the PDs or him about this, everyone will be OK and the rules are the rules.   Shrug it off without emotion and keep moving, modeling good habits and being appropriate with boundaries and calm assertiveness.

I'm sorry this situation sucks so bad, AOD, but don't let the PDs trigger you into doing or saying something you'll regret. 

You'll have lots of hills coming up.... to die on this particular hill, or not die.  That's the question.

I think you're a very consistent, calm mom, btw.  I think you're doing an amazing job and your son will know this about you later, if not in these moments, IME.

I went NC just recently. My kid is 3. I did it in part because I don't want my child to have a relationship with a toxic person. My sisters have older children, and I have seen how my bpd/npd mom has dealt with them, and I do not like what I have seen - for example, going ahead and doing things with the kids that their parents forbade, comparing the children, focusing on the children's differences in looks/intelligence, giving the children overly expensive gifts, haranguing them, trespassing their boundaries, making pathetic plays for love/sympathy, embarrassing them in front of their friends. No thank you. It was actually giving me panic attacks, that my mom would have access to my child.
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: The Quest for Peace
« Last post by pipchick on Today at 12:23:58 AM »

You're so awesome, NumbLotus... thank you :)
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: The Quest for Peace
« Last post by NumbLotus on Today at 12:21:50 AM »

I'm so sorry you're having one of those 4am moments. It sounds like a lot to process and bear. I hope since you got it out you can let it rest till later in the morning. I hope you can sleep now. Dream about helpful, loving people. People who help each other and care.
Working on Us / Re: Self-punishment
« Last post by SparkStillLit on Today at 12:05:32 AM »
This is very helpful. I find that I hear updh's voice in my head very often. It hinders and sometimes prevents me from getting some stuff done. Sometimes I'm completely undone by worry over what his reaction will be if I complete something like a home repair that's needed doing for years. Other times, the performance of tasks is unpleasant or needlessly stressful because of the background chatter (not actual chatter.). I now talk to myself how he does. Not useful.
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: The Quest for Peace
« Last post by pipchick on Today at 12:01:54 AM »
Thank you, Duck! :)

Warning: whinging ahead. Also Trigger warning for mentions of suicide.

I am at the house, and I can't sleep. This is probably because I have a cold and I'm sleeping on the settee. But also, something slotted into place for me today, and I have been veering between shock, horror and fury ever since.

I really never thought of it before now, because it's unthinkable, but over the past week or week and a half the first ingredient has been playing on my mind. It's still unthinkable, but sadly no longer implausible. I mentioned it to my therapist during my first appointment, and she let the thought exist.

If you've read all of my previous thread, you'll know there has been tragedy in my family. My Dad and my brother both took their own lives. I was the one who discovered them. Well... at least that's always how I thought it had gone. You see, my mother came to wake me up at lunchtime that day (I'd been working nights) to say that she was worried because she couldn't get either of them to answer the phone, or come to the door, and yet their cars were in the driveway. Being split up from my Dad, she no longer had a key to the house, so she got on the bus and travelled thirty minutes to come and get me, because - so she said at the time - she knew I had a key.


Obviously I can't say this for certain. I can't prove this in any way whatsoever. And as long as it was unthinkable I never ever thought it, not for a single instant. And yet... if you're worried, calling the house constantly, knocking on the door and on the windows. If you're desperate... you try the door. You might not even be aware you're doing it, but you would do it. I say this because when we got to the house, the front door was unlocked.

Now, this is going back nearly twenty years, but believe me I haven't blocked that day out. Every detail about it is emblazoned on my memory forever. From the moment I was woken up, to the way the sun was shining through the bus window and I felt strongly that there was a moment before, after which nothing would be the same. For all the years since I've relived that day in my nightmares. I remember taking out my key, and putting it in the lock. I was so certain I needed my key. I mean, my mother told me I did, right? Except that I didn't. And I remember looking to her and saying: "It's not locked." And now I think I understand the look on her face then. Not quite guilt. It's a certain look she gets when she's behaved so incredibly badly.

I think she tried the door, and found out for herself that it was unlocked. I think that having no empathy she wasn't emotionally too worried about walking in there. I think she just... couldn't be bothered. So she thought to herself: I'll go and get Pipchick, and she can walk through that door for me.

Having done this, I expect even she had to feel a little bit bad. If only because she'd abdicated her responsibility utterly. So what does she do then with that bad feeling? She resents me for it. She decides that it's my fault she feels bad, and she spends the next year smearing me so badly to my aunt that eventually it results in my aunt viciously shouting and publicly humiliating me (as far as I am concerned, from out of nowhere). I'll never speak to that aunt again. Until that point, I had thought that because my Dad and my brother did it, I was now safe, but that day showed me otherwise. I felt so, so low. And even right then my mother didn't want to hear it. And now I know why. Because it was her, as I've long suspected, and she did it to punish me for making her feel bad for being horrible to me. For making me face something that most people will never even approach in terms of trauma, simply because she couldn't be bothered.

That's it.

If nothing else, this. Nothing can induce me to be close to her for a moment longer than absolutely necessary.

Working on Us / Re: Thinking of trying a friend site
« Last post by SparkStillLit on Today at 12:00:45 AM »
Is there any kind of bus or shuttle or uber? Even in bitty here there's those things so you could get to a book club or knitting circle (it's not just for old ladies!!! I knit!!!!) or sewing or quilting or meetups or something.
I like book clubs. I've been to lots and had a really good time. But I'm a nerd like that.
I think there's even some kind of low cost not taxi service but transport for disabled, elderly, and otherwise unable to get about on the reg folks. There's more than one if I'm noticing aright. They're vans. Maybe check and see if people are running those kind of services. That way you can get out on your own and maybe get to this stuff.
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Forced disclosure
« Last post by Aingeal on Yesterday at 11:55:02 PM »
"Your dad and I just don't know what's going on. You don't tell us anything about your marriage. You treat us like sh*t. Everyone is traumatised because of you. You don't tell us anything.' She said this while fixing me with looks of hatred, so I scrambled around telling her all about my personal life and what's going on with pdH. Even as I was doing so, I felt annoyed with myself for caving in to emotional blackmail"

sounds like your mother is projecting :-(   She's spewing all of her venom on to you so you feel like sh*t and mom can guilt you into spilling the beans about your marriage.   Your marriage is none of her God dang business!  She is not entitled to know anything. 

If you want to share some information with her, that's up to you.  But demanding personal info from you and laying on the guilt trip so you'll feel forced to tell her the private details of YOUR marriage NOT normal and a nasty thing to do to her own daughter.  There's no empathy at all.  And that look of hatred - yeah - that's real.  They hate themselves so much they want everyone else to be miserable and full of self loathing too.  My NPDmother is exactly the same.

I wonder who she's sharing this info with?  My NPD mother tries to gain my trust so I'll tell her bits about my life only to use it against me at a later date :-(

I've been grey rocking her and it seems to be working.  I'm also working on my boundries.  At first NPD mom flipped her sh*t when I stopped baring my soul to someone who didn't have my best interest at heart/never had my back.  But grey rock and boundaries take practice and soon they'll start paying off - My NPD mother still tries to mine for information bit I'm wise to her techniques  :ninja:  .And can stop it right away (with phrases like "I'm not comfortable discussing thst" .... Grey rock...Grey rock)

You do have a right to your privacy especially in sensitive subjects.  You don't owe her anything!  If she feels like sh*t then .... Too bad, so sad.  You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.

Here is a link to Kris Godinez - She's a therapist and daughter of a NPD - She's helped me a lot !
Chosen Relationships / Grieving
« Last post by NumbLotus on Yesterday at 11:52:08 PM »
The thing happening with my H goes beyond PD, which is relatively mild. I think a neurological disease.

I am in a state of grief right now. It's unlike anything I've experienced before. I thought I had already grieved this marriage but there was more left.

I'm not grieving for a marriage that I thought existed but didn't, nor for a man I thought existed but didn't. They existed.

I loved my husband. He was wonderful. He did have some PD traits but they were defensive and never malevolent. He loved me and took care of me. He loved our daughter and would have hung the moon for her. Anything we needed, anything we wanted.

There was so much laughter. We talked and shared so many ideas. We went for walks, hikes, swims at the lake, picked fruit in orchards, saw movies, played games, we did things.

It's all gone now. He is very sick but he doesn't know because there is something wrong with his brain. I have losy my husband and my daughter lost her father.

I'm not just grieving a marriage, but the loss of a loved one.

The more I think about memories from just 4 years ago, the more striking it is that he's gone. It looks like he is here but he almost is nkt at all. Maybe half a percent left. And I can't share my grief with him. I can't plan what to do with him. My partner, best friend, husband.

I have decided I am not leaving him. I have come within a hair of leaving, looked it full in the face. I can't say if I'm right or wrong, just chicken or what, but I'm staying.

I may need to divorce him in the future to get him on Medicaid and not go homeless. But it will be a legal move. He may need assisted living or something at some point but I will watch over him.

My real husband really loved me. He really existed and I can prove it with photos and videos and memories. Everything was stolen from us. I will take care of him.

I don't know if I have the strength, but there are no choices I have the strength for. This is the road. It's my road.

I have been legally deaf since birth. People said it seemed hard but it was fine. I was legally blind since my teens, and that was harder, but I could do it. I lose more sight every yer and it gets harder and harder but I don't curse God or anything, it is what it is. Somebody has to do it, and there are worse things.

I lost my health when I was 31. That was really hard. I struggled with that. But you just keep chipping on, what can you do.

But this. This is where I kind of crack. This is more than I can bear.
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