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Common Behaviors / Re: can grey rock make it worse?
« Last post by athene1399 on Today at 10:16:37 AM »
Yes. It gets worse until it gets better. Once he realizes no matter what, you will not respond with supply, he will give up or decrease trying to provoke you. It takes time for him to realize you won't play the game. You just have to stick to it. It can be difficult and takes practice.
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Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships / Re: Manufactured Chaos
« Last post by athene1399 on Today at 10:14:31 AM »
I'm sure DD's stress isn't helping her stomach on top of this "ingredient" stbx has been adding to her food. How awful. :( My parents would do stuff like that to me with food. It really sucks. DD and DS are lucky to have you! :)
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Poison Ivy yes with the "mean"!!! That self same thing!!!
All of you!!! I get all that same shizz!!! Favorite statement is "I could say the same about you" any time I try to hold accountable. And whizzing it all back at me. BARRRFFFF
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The Welcome Mat / Unsure...
« Last post by Catcol on Today at 10:04:26 AM »
Against my better judgement, I find myself on the brink of entering into a relationship with a man who I detect is probably an accomplished and unashamed manipulator of women.

Part of me feels like I'm playing with fire. But I tell myself that in being fully conscious of what this man is doing with his words and his behaviour,
I can resist being controlled by him.

It isn't a relationship that has huge emotional significance for me. I don't think he would be particularly emotionally invested either. It feels a little bit like an itch that needs scratching.

There's a power inbalance. He is 20 years older than me. A senior executive at work. I'm a part time member of the support staff. I wouldn't have noticed him but over time I have found myself the subject of his sustained attentions. Part of me is appalled - some of his behaviour borders on sexual harassment, albeit subtle - but he is hard to ignore and has gotten under my skin.

Am I a fool for not running a mile?
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Dealing with PD In-Laws / Re: They can smell it, donít they?
« Last post by sparrow2 on Today at 09:51:48 AM »
I would block them so they canít call or text you.. Let them go through DH. I would also question why it would be a good thing for your children to start a relationship with emotionally abusive grandparents. Itís of course up to you two to decide whatís important for your family. I personally would avoid that.. if someone cannot act right to me, theyíre not getting to my child.
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Dealing with PD In-Laws / Re: New and need help
« Last post by sparrow2 on Today at 09:46:58 AM »
Iím sorry youíre going through this. It sounds like gaslighting. You donít sound crazy. I think youíd benefit from a therapist so you have someone on your team.
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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: The obligation
« Last post by Spring Butterfly on Today at 08:12:50 AM »
I totally understand why you're stuck and various forms of Fear Obligation Guilt FOG is exactly why we're here working it out.

At one point I sought out counseling and she explained that I am entirely entitled to my feelings ... end of story. I don't need to know why I have the feeling and I don't need to explain it to someone else. If I feel I need to state the feeling I'm allowed to state it without explaining why I feel that way and it's simply enough to say "I don't know that's just how I feel about it" I don't owe myself an explanation and I certainly don't owe any one else either.

One of the other things I've embraced is understanding that as humans we're taught to suppress our instincts. For various reasons we're taught to ignore and shove them down. This does not serve us well at all.

An instinct is there for a reason and there's actual scientific basis for instinct and the way the brain works. It's not this fuzzy thing that's just some vague feeling. There's actual brain activity involved that can be measured. We just can't always verbalize all that's involved in an instinct. It's okay and we don't have to but we can follow the instinct all the same. 
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My mother is uBPD with a large dose of N and I really identify with what you describe, thank you for sharing. There are so many different emotions as you describe, I feel all of those too. I would like to share one of my own that came to mind. I feel a deep sense of tragedy, that my Mother's life has been a terrible waste, that she has missed out on so many things had she only had the courage to reflect and to change and to ask for help. Somewhere inside I think she knows that all is not well with her, she has often said that "All I ever wanted was to be normal, with a nice home, husband and children." So at some level I think perhaps they know and have a sense that all is not well within themselves, but don't wish to acknowledge their impact on others due to being what she calls 'not normal ' and the idea that they've been less than wonderful to their children. Part of me can't bring myself to tell her how damaging she has been (and not the wonderful M she likes to imagine) as there is a sense that if she actually took this in it would destroy her. At other times she'll say (with some drama) " I know I've been a terrible Mother to you... " but I learnt years ago that it's a trap!! Anything other than "No, no, no!" is the wrong answer.

I am working on dealing with some heavy feelings about the way I was brought into the world -  I believe to keep my Dad around. I am pleased to see this topic acknowledged as it really does hurt deeply and adds another layer of pain to be worked through, thank you.

It all then spills over to a sense of tragedy for my own life, my sister's and her children as I see the way this tragedy keeps rolling down the generations when it isn't addressed. I then feel so grateful that like you and all of us here, I am addressing things. I think we have to remember how well we are doing despite the deck being stacked against us in childhood. It sounds like you're making great progress.
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Yes. As others have said, I've found that it is important to refocus relationships so that I give a bit more attention to those that have reciprocity and those that show they care about me too. I didn't learn to develop healthy relationships as a child, I think if anything I just learned to pander to narcissists and it is a hard thing to unlearn

This so much!
I never learned what a healthy friendship looks like when I was a child, so I had to relearn as an adult. I was always drawn to people I could "help" but never received much in return. Whereas I was being dismissive of people who wanted to return and took a real interest in me. I was much more comfortable being the giver.

It takes a long time to learn how to see people differently than what you were taught
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Common Behaviors / Re: can grey rock make it worse?
« Last post by Honey_B on Today at 07:04:32 AM »
My uOCPD XH thrives on arguments and conflict. Going grey rock on him drives him batty. Sometimes he tries to up the ante until he succeeds in provoking me. Does anyone else experience this? How do you break the cycle?

Oh yes! So much. Now the real crazy show will start. He will escalate the provocations as long as he gets the reward of a fight.
Be patient, at some point, if you don't give in and give him the fight, he will find somewhere else to get the drama fix. But only when he realized that he can't provoke you.
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