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I posted this on the Welcome Mat but I think this is a more appropriate place.  ello.  My wife(narc & bpd) and I are moving back in together.  We have two amazing young children.  Her mother, who also is the source of my wife's PD and is narc & bpd used to live with us.  For about 17 years.  My wife is the youngest of 6.  My wife is enmeshed with her mother and is the hero child of the family.  My wife and I are both attorneys, but I no longer practice.  I dont want to detail our entire story at the moment, but I want to highlight our situation.  My wife has filed two divorces.  The first divorce was a reaction to my leaving the house.  I was unhappy my wife insisted our children go to a Sunday school where views neither my wife nor I shared were taught.  It was to please her mother, although she will never admit that.  I capitulated when my wife offered to only send our children every other week.  Subsequently, my wife looked deeper into the views she her mother was indoctrinating and our children into and decided on her own to not allow my mother in law to take them.  The second divorce she filed was after her mother told me to leave the house - my house.  That was the bridge to far for me.  I asked her to attend counseling and send her mother to stay with a sister while we worked things out.  She refused, moved out and filed the 2nd divorce.  However, I didn't capitulate and her divorce was dismissed for want/lack of prosecution (she didn't do anything other than file so her case was dismissed).  We have been attending counseling.  She got her mother a separate house on housing!  It feels like progress.  My wife is moving back in and we will stay in separate rooms.  I realize she is PD'd and getting along will never be easy.  Like many, we are moving back in together for the children and to conserve resources.  Does anyone know of any WRITTEN COHABITATON agreements or forms that might help me establish good house rules?
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Thank you. 
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Have you ever been expected to explain your Medium Chill to the inlaws?

The in-laws give me pep talks and thank me for tolerating SIL so the medium chill is likely seen as the actions of a guy thatís trying to make the best of a bad situation and they appreciate it...


My own thoughts on this, and of course your mileage may vary  :) :

I kinda think the in-laws are being ridiculous. They are enabling her and then recruiting everyone else to do the same.

You are being heavily pressured to enable her also. https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/enabling

Boundaries are the answer https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries

She and in-laws may make a huge deal about you declining hugs. You still get to decline hugs. For any reason or no reason at all. By declining hugs you are not making a statement or doing anything intense to her. You simply have the right to do so. They are the only ones making a big deal.

In a way, they are insisting that you stand still for abuse.

That is wrong. That can be crazy making and exhausting.

You have the right to boundaries, including physical:

Quote
Physical boundaries - your most basic physical boundary is your skin, your body. From infancy one begins to understand where he or she ends and others begin. That we are individuals. Other examples of physical boundaries are your personal space and physical privacy. Who is allowed and not allowed to touch you and how? What do you wish or not wish in your physical space and what you consider private and personal?

https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries

You don't even necessarily need to explain about your boundaries, you don't have to offer a reason or excuse, you can just state them and enforce them.

I'm in my 60s. If one of my adult children had an active personality disorder like this I'd be in therapy so as to take good care of myself. Also so that I would not fall into enabling and trying to get everyone around her to walk on eggshells.

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Welcome!

I hope that you remember to take really good care of yourself as you move through these challenges.

I don't know of any written cohabitation agreement forms. In your situation I would probably do some googling and see what it is out there. I do see some ideas for people who are not married, maybe that can be adapted for your situation.

You might want to try brainstorming ideas first. Maybe there is a need for several agreements? House rules/chores. Child care agreement. Agreement that mother in law never move back in. Agreement about how to de-escalate stress (no yelling, take a walk to cool down etc.). Agreement to continue counseling.

Counselors may have ideas on what agreements to try. Also on how to keep them simple and not too overwhelming.

Good luck to you and family. It's wonderful to hear that your wife got her mother separate housing!
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https://youtu.be/KnLFSRjG2M8

This guy did a workshop. These are some highlights. I love the double handshake. Can't hug if your hands are in a grip 🙂 another site suggests letting peopke know you're not a hugger. Its not your thing. Might help with the in laws. A lot of people don't like hugs
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Common Behaviors / Re: Is using this forum to vent unhealthy?
« Last post by Jsinjin on Today at 10:07:51 PM »
I tend to use the forum as much as I can (knowing I'm human and screw up a lot) to ensure I'm not crazy and to help reinforce things that are so hard.   Until I found this place I had no idea at all that the behaviors of a PD were actually understood and classified.   Although there is a bit of tribe reinforcement that leads to the smug feeling, I am often checking to make sure that what I  see isn't in fact me over reacting.    Sometimes I know I get a bit of situational feelings that make me wonder "is this behavior really out of norm or am I just nitpicking."

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It's ok to do things at your pace. some days you can, some you can't. Yes its intermittent reinforcement but the goal is to look at after yourself, not train the puppy. It will take longer but that's ok.
Some years ago I saw a video on how to avoid an unwanted hug. It was excellent and I should revisit myself. I'll see if I can find it
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Hello.  My wife(narc & bpd) and I are moving back in together.  We have two amazing young children.  Her mother, who also is the source of my wife's PD and is narc & bpd used to live with us.  For about 17 years.  My wife is the youngest of 6.  My wife is enmeshed with her mother and is the hero child of the family.  My wife and I are both attorneys, but I no longer practice.  I dont want to detail our entire story at the moment, but I want to highlight our situation.  My wife has filed two divorces.  The first divorce was a reaction to my leaving the house.  I was unhappy my wife insisted our children go to a Sunday school where views neither my wife nor I shared were taught.  It was to please her mother, although she will never admit that.  I capitulated when my wife offered to only send our children every other week.  Subsequently, my wife looked deeper into the views she her mother was indoctrinating and our children into and decided on her own to not allow my mother in law to take them.  The second divorce she filed was after her mother told me to leave the house - my house.  That was the bridge to far for me.  I asked her to attend counseling and send her mother to stay with a sister while we worked things out.  She refused, moved out and filed the 2nd divorce.  However, I didn't capitulate and her divorce was dismissed for want/lack of prosecution (she didn't do anything other than file so her case was dismissed).  We have been attending counseling.  She got her mother a separate house on housing!  It feels like progress.  My wife is moving back in and we will stay in separate rooms.  I realize she is PD'd and getting along will never be easy.  Like many, we are moving back in together for the children and to conserve resources.  Does anyone know of any WRITTEN COHABITATON agreements or forms that might help me establish good house rules? 
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Chosen Relationships / Re: Sighing and grumbling....
« Last post by oddsunflower on Today at 07:38:45 PM »
I used to help too....drop everything to "help" make him comfortable or just finish his work...
I stopped doing that and the grumbling increased so? I BOUGHT EARPLUGS!!! I swear by them now. I tell him goodnight and then pop in my plugs and he knows I am not going to listen. During the day (weekends) I will use earbuds and claim to be listening to podcasts but most of the time I am just pretending so I can avoid his nonsense.
I would suggest them to anyone who is just trying to keep the peace during a period of transition.
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Hi Blueberry Pancakes. I understand you're feeling heartbroken. I'm sorry you are going through this.

I don't think your parents will ever understand though. PD's expect others to think like them. They can only understand NC as some form of punishment, because they equate it with giving someone the silent treatment. They don't understand that it's a form of self preservation for you. So when your father says that he wants you to focus all your hate onto him instead of your sister, he's thinking your NC with her is fuelled by hate. I doubt he'll ever understand that hate isn't part of the equation. Likewise you'll never be able to give them enough of your attention or your time. Even if you are devoting your life to them, it won't be enough and that's scary.

Keep making time for yourself. It sounds like you know this will be tough, but don't expect to change them.
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