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Argh. So frustrating for you.

I don't have any answers but one thing does come to mind.

With things like holiday arrangements, instead of your lawyer responding to his lawyer, could you respond directly to your stbx?

So: Your lawyer receives a communication from his lawyer. Your lawyer passes it on to you. You respond to stbx and/or his lawyer, instead of paying your lawyer to respond for you.

It would save you a ton of money.

Also, I wonder if you could request that his lawyer write directly to you rather than to your lawyer.

That way, you can pick and choose what you use your lawyer for. You might only need your lawyer for advice and you do all the leg work.

It really depends where you are in your healing and ootf journey though. It might be that you need your lawyer as a protection from your stbx, in which case, leaving things as they are might be money well spent.

I had a situation with my uNPD exH a couple of years ago.  Long story short:  He had his lawyer communicate directly with me and I responded directly to his lawyer.  The whole thing took about 7 or 8 months I think.

UNPD exH spent about $5000 in legal fees and I spent a few $100. It was frustratingly time consuming and stressful but worth it for my bank account. And, as is usual with my uNPD exH, nothing was resolved and nothing changed.

I hope things improve for you soon.

AOD
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Sonto, I bring up anything and everything to both of my kids' therapists if I feel it's something that needs to be addressed. I think you did the right thing by bringing it up to your son's T. It sounds like he's getting in over his head, with a lot of help from his mom.
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Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships / Changing Tactics?
« Last post by Whiteheron on Today at 04:27:02 PM »
If there's anything consistent about stbx, it's his inconsistency. He is predictable in a sense, but I think what I'm referring to revolves around when he doesn't get his way. Or maybe I'm just seeing his behaviors evolve over time? I'm still trying to sort through this in my mind, so apologies if I end up contradicting myself or if I don't make any sense.

What is boils down to: stbx wants 50% custody. The psych evaluator does not feel this is in the kids' best interest and recommended less. The judge followed her recommendation. Ever since then he's been trying on his best disneyland dad act while at the same time trying to portray me as unstable and abusive. This has been going on for almost two years and the judge is at the end of his rope with us.

At first I noticed an increase in text messages to me containing a lot of unnecessary details, language like 'trying to work this out', 'best for the kids', etc. I can only assume he was doing this to show the court how he tries in vain to co-parent with me, but it just doesn't work. I don't respond the way he wants (like I would usually do, with explanations, JADEing, concessions to him, etc).

Then the frequency dropped off, which made me feel greatly relieved. The texts I did get seemed to be relevant, I would respond if a response was necessary. He would be responsive if I have a question or if there was a change in the kids' schedule. During this time, at each court appearance he would (through his L) demand 50% custody, having his L word it as though the kids were possessions. Each time we met in court, he would drop the % of the marital assets he will 'allow' me to have.

This has suddenly stopped and what I get now are accusatory texts - claiming I'm putting the kids in the middle of our divorce and how all I need to do is ask him if I need something (these texts make me boil). If there is a change in the kids' schedule or if one child is sick on an exchange day and I ask about pick up/drop off, I get...crickets. I have to text multiple times, finally asking him to 'please confirm' whatever change was made. It's ridiculous. He's playing games. I know this.

Now, I'm hearing about the upcoming school breaks through my L. As in stbx is contacting his L who is contacting my L who is contacting me.  :roll:  So instead of texting me and asking me directly, we both have to pay our L's to go back and forth between us. I assumed the schedule would have been the opposite of last year, with the weeks flipped, but stbx is demanding the same vacation week, claiming he's already made travel plans (likely trying to match weeks up with his gf and made travel plans with her, not the kids - my best guess). But why not text me directly? Why go through the L's?

I suppose I'm getting angry because I feel like he's using the PD 'survival' tactics against me, most notably, MC. Acting as if I'm so unstable and abusive that he can't even text a simple 'ok' to confirm a change in the kids' plans. Maybe he's doing this because he knows hes' going to force us to trial and wants minimal contact with me so he can go on living his narrative that I'm the problem? Maybe his gf is feeding him advice on how to handle an unstable exwife? Or my worst fear - maybe he's got something in the works and plans to blindside me with it when we get to court, or trial? Idk. It's making me crazy (and poorer) and I'll never know.

Has this kind of thing happened to anyone else? Is he just changing tactics because what he's doing isn't working to persuade me or the court that he should have 50% custody?


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Chosen Relationships / Re: Wasting time
« Last post by 11JB68 on Today at 04:23:33 PM »
Not right...I've really tried not to JADE.
When he first mentioned it I did say well you'll have to think about your plan b, and he got really upset.
I think the only reason he's trying to make it work is because he doesn't want to think of plan b, and knows that what's involved in any plan b means the type of work he doesn't want to do. I've just been letting him do his thing.
My plan b? Possibly to leave. We do have some money. I make more. If I leave I'll have to pay him support.
I can't squirrel away money. I believe he is ocpd. Very controlling including with money. I have no way to hide money.
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Separating & Divorcing / Re: Lies or delusions
« Last post by mdana on Today at 04:10:57 PM »
Yes --

Most people that lie end up believing their own lies.  If you say something over and over long enough (to yourself of others) eventually it becomes part of your reality.  NO doubt, he is disordered and likely in several ways. 

You saved yourself and your children from a lifetime of pain and trauma!   

The best thing (honestly) given what you describe of him -- is that he go away and not have much or any visitation with the baby.  I don't know the legal system where you are -- but, if I were you, that would be my first recourse. Sometimes people that that verbal abuse is not as damaging as physical abuse.  BUT, it really is! It is very damaging and it's impact is very difficult to reverse in young children.

All the best to you!
M
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Dealing with PD In-Laws / Re: Mini-epiphany about disliking ILs
« Last post by qcdlvl on Today at 02:43:37 PM »
My ILs had no language barrier or equivalent excuse - none, really. While my non-PD, but enabling MIL acted reasonably when my fiancée decided to move in with me, FIL acted like your ILs - reacting as if my fiancée were a child. When my fiancée went to stay with me for a few days, he chewed out MIL, saying she was going to pregnant. Before ever meeting me I was dead to him for not asking him for her hand in marriage and he started a smear campaign.

Update of sorts: Apparently FIL spent Christmas alone - my fiancée and I agreed it was sitting down to a banquet of consequences, given how he's neglected his children. I also pointed out that the phone works both ways, but in PD fashion probably familiar to everyone here, FIL could call his children, but instead waits for them to call. For that matter, as my fiancée points out, MIL would've received him if he'd shown up on Christmas out of the blue but was either waiting for others to beg him to go, or was put off by me being there, as he knows he has no hold over me.
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one of my mother's husbands would line up the kids (me and his children) and scream at us until he was done.  you just had to stand there and take it.  there was never a 'make up' with him.

my biological mother, on the other hand, spent a good 9 months trying to make up with me after she got me back from the state.  that ended when the back child support checks stopped from my biological father.  the extended period was surreal.  i had a mom who would drive me to the bar and make cookies with me when i got suspended....buddy mom all the way basically. 
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Your experience brought back a memory for me. My dad would sit me down for a discussion on what I had done wrong. I was young so I don't think I did anything earth-shatteringly wrong as a little girl. Anyway these talks would go on and on. In my mind I remember thinking I'd rather get a swat on the rear or a smack across the face and be done with this endless talking. In other words, physically punish me instead of these guilt inducing lectures! As for bonding after abuse, I guess I did with my dad and I know for certain I did with my mom.

After reading about your 10 hour tortuous lectures Dinah, I'm thinking you have every right to be done with your mom. She isn't worth your time or energy. Believe me I know this is "easier said than done".

This is definitely the right place for us to read, learn and come to the realization that we can be done with them and don't need to keep taking the toxic abuse.

Hugs and understanding.....

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Common Behaviors / Re: Which wrong thinking is your PDs favorite?
« Last post by blacksheep7 on Today at 01:23:56 PM »
My widowed PDM.

You're looking for problems when there are some in the world  that are worst right now.

You didn't want to talk to me so I just didn't call.

You're not feeling well.

So that's it, as parents we did nothing right.




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Going No Contact with a PD Parent / A new attempt
« Last post by Gromit on Today at 01:19:54 PM »
I think my enF's last attempt was to ask me if I even wanted to know if they died?
Now he has emailed to say it is their wedding anniversary, 55 years, and it has made him think of the past.
Nothing else, nothing specific about the past.

Of course, I knew it was their anniversary, it is days from my sister's birthday. I wonder if my enF knows when my anniversary is? For the wedding he chose not to attend, without ever explaining why.

I wonder which bit of the past he is thinking of, the last 55 years, the previous 27? Perhaps wondering what he has missed in my life? I doubt that, he doesn't actually ask about me.

I have these questions, but I will not respond, I just need to voice them somewhere safe.

What is the point of these messages? To get a response? For what? I stopped responding when I realised nothing would change, I would not get what I needed.

Even my MIL asked why he would do such a thing? Send me a message, that is. I don't want to be as vague as he is. I want to know things, specific things, not be brushed off with platitudes.
G
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