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I heard something at Alanon years ago which i found applied really well to dealing with work situations as well as alcoholics.  Something like this:  Don't cause a crisis where there wouldn't already be one AND don't rescue others from a crisis where there WOULD otherwise be one.  It's hard to do and I still struggle with it, but if you have boundaries, your boss will then be faced with the natural crisis which results from his lack of assertiveness with non-codependents.  Then the discomfort (read: motivation to change) can fall in his lap, where it belongs, rather than yours.  Let us know how it goes!
 

Thanks for the insight!  So far, most of the natural crises seem to be falling in my lap rather than his. 

He has allowed me lately the benefit of using his name and saying "Herb (not his real name) requested that I ask you for XYZ".  The approach suggested by my T is to put everything in writing (email) as my boss is forgetful.  That way, if there is a crisis later and the boss comes charging at me, I have documentation that I did pass along my boss's request.  This should save some time such that instead of hearing over and over that XYZ needs to get done (and Larry is the one to do it) I say I've already sent that email to Larry.

There will be times when it's my job to do a certain amount of communicating with other teams.  However, I shouldn't be doing all of it or be sitting there while the boss rants on and on about something that belongs in another team's lap and not in mine.  I need to get in the habit of saying to my boss "I already sent an email.  You may want to think about calling so and so" or "I have already sent 5 emails and did not get a response.  Would you be willing to contact them?".  When my boss is ranting about something, sometimes my brain freezes and I don't think to redirect the responsibility back to him.  It's something I think I need to practice.

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Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members / Re: The Nerve!
« Last post by Bloomie on Today at 05:16:41 PM »
LindaLoo - I know it should not at this point, but doesn't it boggle the mind that grown adults - our parents - behave abusively toward us WHILE requesting our time and help? :upsidedown: If that is not the defintion of entitled, I don't know what is.

Something that keeps coming up for me lately is being clear on the difference between an expectation someone holds of me versus an agreement I have made with someone.

Quote from: LindaLoo
I took care of my 3 brothers at age 13. My dad had died suddenly. Mom put me in charge. I've felt that obligation my whole life. She still expects it of me.

Your mother may very well expect a great deal from you, including allowing her to lie and speak disrespectfully to you unchallenged... you may be expected to care for your mother and brothers into adulthood... but, my most best guess is you never, ever agreed to any of this! Including allowing anyone to behave in an abusive manner toward you.

Bravo for directly addressing the demand of your services and the terrible behaviors you have encountered when offering help. :chickendance:

Fly free LindaLoo and all of us facing these kind of out of bounds expectations and behaviors within our extended families.
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Working on Us / Re: Childhood Trauma And Relationships
« Last post by Hepatica on Today at 04:03:46 PM »
Hi guitarman, thank you for that link. Just checked it out and it looks great.
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Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members / Re: The Nerve!
« Last post by LindaLoo on Today at 03:59:21 PM »
 :bighug: Mathilda.  Wow what a scene they caused over you saying that!! Sounds exactly like my mother. Then to lie and say you did the yelling, ureal!   My mother snaps into a psycho over nothing.  I actually started to feel scared. Once she was using a hammer on something and whatever I said ,  ticked her off and she started swinging it in the air.  Isn't it funny how they use "we are old people"  Honestly they behave more like toddlers. Im happy you are free.  You did not deserve such crazy behavior. They feel so entitled.  Its their loss.
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Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members / Re: The Nerve!
« Last post by Mathilda on Today at 03:11:48 PM »
This is good!
Once you're done, you're done.

I too thought about going no contact for years.
Then one day when I visited my parents, they treated me so badly I decided to never go back. It really was the last straw that broke the camel's back.
I was telling my dad a short story and he interrupted me. No big deal, but I said 'hey dad, you should let me finish my story'. He did, but after that started yelling at me 'WELL, ARE YOU FINISHED NOW? ARE YOU FINISHED??' I tried to calm him down, but then my mom started yelling 'STOP IT! WE ARE OLD PEOPLE!'  :wacko:
Now I tried to calm down both of them, but my mother kept screaming and yelling that they are old people. I told them if they wouldn't stop, I'd never visit them again.
My father yelled 'THEN F*** OFF' and my mother yelled 'WE NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN EITHER!'

When I left, my mom locked the door behind me.

A few months later got a letter from brother. Apparently, my mother had told him I was telling a story and when my father interrupted, I started yelling and screaming at him and then my mother had kicked me out!  :blink: But she didn't mean it and regretted it. Both parents were crying every night because they wanted me back so badly! No, no, no!

It's been two years since and I still have no clue what made them so angry. Father feeling criticized I guess, for telling him 'you should me let me finish' (how dare I!) and mother wanting me to take the blame rather than blaming dad for behaving badly
But It doesn't matter, because I don't care anymore.
I haven't missed them.
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Chosen Relationships / Re: What is this?!?
« Last post by SparkStillLit on Today at 02:46:19 PM »
TorH Yes To That. Holly this stuff is right across the board. Updh will also "listen" and wait for a pause, as in I took a breath, (if he doesn't just straight up interrupt) and hop in with a completely different subject. If it weren't so discouraging, it would be like a comedy skit.
This is the "talking".
Then there's the "not talking". It's either ST or "I don't know what to say", which will eventually be used against me in a court of nonsense.
So! Either way! Don't be concerned for why he's doing what he's doing, be concerned for yourself and how you will be protected.
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This contractor in a remote area got red tagged twice by me. Oh my stars. I mean, come over here, the contractors could probably paper a wall with the red tags they've gotten from me.
His re-inspect request was a RAGE about wanted to talk to my manager (that right there had me cry-laughing) and I didn't know what I was doing and never should have red tagged that, and should have made a PHONE CALL and the county is wasting money reinspecting that, he's been doing this 20 years and never gotten a red tag (VERY FISHY!!!) blah blah blah.
I was rolling. I had to show it to my supervisor. She asked what I tagged and I told her. It was tag-able. I *could* call, my choice, but shitty signal out there, I had a TON of inspections, and not knowing where he was, didn't have time to wait. I offered him video reinspection. And anyway, it's MY time, coming back out, not his. He doesn't have to be there.
I can't believe how these people take the time to lose their shit like this....what does he think? Wouldn't you BE NICE to inspectors?? I dunno. I wouldn't want them to suddenly get *really picky* because you were being nasty, would you?? Not that I would ever behave in that manner, but I just wonder what goes through peoples' minds??
Most people are neutral, some are extra nice, call me ma'am and "Inspector" as a title which is slightly hilarious, I have been attempted bribed COUNTLESS times  :doh: , and then there are these sorts, the ragers.
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Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members / Re: Narc mom dying
« Last post by moglow on Today at 02:13:38 PM »
Ariel, I'm so sorry you're in this position. Your first responsibility is and will always be to yourself and your own well being. I'm not saying ignore others in need, but you know best what you can and can't do.

Your sister lives with mother but isn't getting her the care she needs, am I understanding that correctly? How is that then your responsibility from seven hours away? By all means, if she needs assistance do what you can to see she gets it. Does that mean YOU go there and be her caregiver at the expense of your own health? No. I'm not trying to be heartless here, but the distance is there for a reason and didn't just start with her illness.

Do what feels right for you from a place of compassion [for BOTH of you], not from fear obligation and guilt. If you're knotted up at the very idea of talking to her, I'm not sure what an actual visit would do for either of you.
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PAAARRRTTIIESSS oh my gross STARS.  I have not learned properly. Nmum hovers me like a spy drone and hisses things incessantly in my ear, either about people, or about me. I have taken to loudly saying "WHAT??? DIDN'T HEAR YOU?? WHAT WERE YOU SAYING???" to stop her hissing 😁😁😁😁. This has been an excellent ploy. It doesn't stop her hovering, though. For that, I'll generally go by people she doesn't like, and *stay there*. Those people like me, and forgive my origins 🤣. They know I'm not like her. She has stopped attending a lot of the parties I want to attend, anyway. Ones for my step family. THANK THE LORD. She made everything horribly fraught.
Her birthdays are a whole 'nother goat rodeo. Also, here's something she's always been weird about. You have to celebrate ON THE DAY. Can't save it over to the weekend or what have you. Oh and I pissed her the eff off by getting married on her birthday. HAHAHAHA. Now she has to share her day with my anniversary.
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Just came here to say, youíre a clear communicator and you obviously know whatís going on in your workplace. All support positions arenít created equal, and I think you would be an asset to any new place you go. I believe you can find a job that makes you happy and celebrates your worth and potential.
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