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Which makes me angry all over again that she didnít prepare for end of life.  That if she just ignored all her issues they would just go away. IT WONT HAPPEN TO ME! And she has put her children in a huge bind.

I understand this feeling. My uNPD mother is the same way. No preparations, not a bit of planning but she has no intention of leaving anything for her children.  Dementia is a terrible thing to deal with. I'm sorry this is happening, very stressful I'm sure!

 :hug:
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Just a vent I guess. No real point but maybe to have a record of these things. I have read many of my old posts and it's shocking to remember the incidents and uproar my uNPD mother causes year after year.

Her latest is how unhappy she is. Poor me, when will I be happy? The thing is, life isn't a big pile of constant happiness. It's life and we all do what we can to get through it. I'm not waiting for the happiness fairy to show up and cast a spell over me and my life. She's also been saying how much so and so (former friend) talks to her children, they call all the time or how many times she communicated with her relatives. A dig at me that I need to step up.  :roll: And I know for certain that what she told me is a lie. She disliked her close relatives and most definitely didn't talk to them often.

There is no way I could talk to her the amount of time that she mentions. What in the hell would we talk about constantly? HER! What a snooze fest. I have many important and favorite people in my life and I don't talk to them often. It's not realistic and after a certain amount of discussion, what would we talk about in two more days? How she went grocery shopping or I explain how I mop my floor?

It's too bad she doesn't see that it's all her and make some changes. No one wants to be around her. If she isn't going on about politics, it's non-stop medical issues or mean gossip. She let it slip to me that her other child is her favorite. I mean, wow, what a thing to say to your child. It's gross. I really started pulling back from her even more when I heard that.

Unfortunately I was with her recently and had to spend the time medium chilling, gray rocking, nodding my head and changing the subject. She very unappealing and yet I still have this stupid guilt thing to contact her from time to time. Ugh, just feeling stressed and angry and wanted to write it down.

Do you think NPD people realize they cause the strife in their lives? To me it seems like my mother feels it's everyone else doing harm to her. But there have been some small comments how she feels guilty about this person or that person. I didn't encourage further discussion on the topic so I don't know if it's a sympathy grab or she could feel some responsibility.

Some days I feel so strong when I deal with her and other days she causes me anxiety. She is exhausting and maddening. I'm a middle age woman and it really stinks to deal with this type of relationship with my MOTHER! Too many decades of this crap.

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It was on her birthday but last minute because her daughter had been delayed in traveling and they were to celebrate next day.

That part does not matter.

If I invited people to lunch I would be prepared to pay or would establish that we would all pay our own check.  In reality I would pay and even say my treat at the invite.

To make others more comfortable I would  use a gift card to pay if I had one for that location.

My od has always been over generous to get narc supply so this is the opposite and I can wonder if my perception of whats normal is skewed or not.  For this reason I give the benifit of the doubt a time or two and look for trends. 

This woman seems to have a trend.  I will ask for a separate check upfront next time and see what happens.  And yes no jumping in or being enmeshed.
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Dementia can be "fun".

My friend was sprawled out on the stairs trying to climb them one day. He was dragging his walker behind him and to push a large bag of clothes ahead of him.

His explanation was that he was in a car race later that day and needed the bag of "money" with him.  He had a lit cigarette between two fingers in the hand clamped around the laundry bag.

He had been very good to only smoke on the patio prior. He only ever went upstairs via the outside sidewalk not the stairs.

It was then I knew it was not safe to have him in the house with us.  This was such a huge change from even hours before and he never got better. 

I guess sometimes a big section of the brain web gets disconnected all at once. 


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The level of care this mother and her sister require is seeing a daughter 2k miles away scrambling. It's theregore not an emergency.

If it gets bad they can call 911, and when tthey do you will know it was an emergency and not just drama.

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The level of care ended up being the oxygen cannula in her nose, but the other end of the hose not hooked up to oxygen supply. Mom pulling all her gowns off and being naked in a semi-private room.   Her dressing was removed and not replaced (in the time that Sis2 saw it, so we donít know if mom pulled it off or the on-duty nurse was doing some wound charting and just hadnít replaced the bandage).

  Weíre trying to find other facilities that can take her, but the combination of injury and dementia and insurance is such that options are limited.  The one they were trying to get her in tomorrow decided they canít deal with the dementia. There is one more place weíre trying and then the other option is to see if her original memory care facility will take her back and have some type of p/t or o/t come in, and hire overnight care for toileting, etc.

Sheís really going to need 24/7 nursing care.  Which makes me angry all over again that she didnít prepare for end of life.  That if she just ignored all her issues they would just go away. IT WONT HAPPEN TO ME! And she has put her children in a huge bind. And ďIím not moving to one of THOSE places because I want to leave something for my kidsĒ, yet took no steps to shelter her money to do that.  I mean, itís not about the money obviously, but SHE is the one using it as an excuse.  She could have been in a step-up facility (all the way from IL to NH and everything in between) here 3 years ago when this really all started, but the money was her excuse and just covering up the fact that she was already scared to commit. She was a really poor decision maker even when she was sane.  Never listened to the kids, but the friends spoke gospel.

1foot- she has advanced dementia.  She was already in a memory care facility.  She started to wander her room at night, clean with the TV on full blast in the early morning hours, take showers at 1am because someone told her to (no they didnít).   After anesthesia from this surgery she doesnít even recognize her own kids.  This all happened so fast that there was no chance for the family to research rehab facilities before they discharged her to the first open bed that can deal with dementia patients.

Iím glad when we saw her over Memorial Day weekend she was behaved and seemed to know who everyone was and had a good time. 

With regards to the sibling living situation, Iím no where near it so itís never been my issue.

Iím just sitting here in my mid-Atlantic state trying to be as chill as possible.  Believe me, Iím fielding phone calls from this sib and that sib complaining about the other one and just trying to get them to relax.   Nothing can be done until tomorrow, and thatís if the other places can even take her.
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The Welcome Mat / Re: First half was IN, second half will be OUT.
« Last post by freefrom on Today at 12:48:02 PM »
I'm just still in awe how your family toxicity follows you, haunts you, no matter how hard you try to escape it.

This is a really interesting statement to me and something I have been thinking about quite a bit lately. I study and work in the field of human cognition and something we often talk about is the difference between explicit and implicit memory. Explicit memories are the ones you can recall/declare using language and logic, implicit memories are more emotional and procedural based and not readily accessible to us consciously. There are many, many things in our lives that we remember implicitly and don't have genuine conscious access to.

Information we store in implicit memory often feels familiar even if it's wrong or inaccurate, this is born out when trying to teach people with explicit memory impairment new things. If they make an error, they don't remember the error is wrong only that it is familiar. Because it is familiar, when presented with the choice in the future they are more likely to chose the wrong response. I've been coming around to believing that this may be why we are drawn to unhealthy people and patterns -- because they are familiar and we don't have conscious access to the information about them being harmful. The word 'familiar' shares origins with 'family', interesting....?

Coming Out of the FOG is then, for me at least, about moving these implicit memories and responses into explicit, declarative verbal memory, reasoning and knowledge. Until we are able to move these 'familiar/family' memories into our explicit and conscious memory we may remain vulnerable to 'moth to the flame' behaviors i.e. being drawn to something we are attracted to because it is familiar even though it is actually dangerous and unhealthy for us... I went through this very situation quite recently, fortunately I was able to step back and think about a particular person using my explicit/declarative memory and logic. I soon realized that I was being implicitly drawn to the toxic elements of the person because the seem soooo very, very familiar... just like family!! YIKES :)

Perhaps a bit 'heady' for many here, but this developing idea makes increasing sense to me from a cognitive science perspective...

I'm sorry for replying so late. I haven't checked in much this week.

This should be sticky'd on the frontpage of the forum, seriously.

It reminds me of Stockholm syndrome. The bond forms to the person in authority/control - whether a good or bad person, it still forms explicitly but definitely implicitly.

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Coming Out of the FOG is then, for me at least, about moving these implicit memories and responses into explicit, declarative verbal memory, reasoning and knowledge.

How is this done? I suppose through "talk" therapy? I was in therapy but it was marital therapy as a couple (I'm divorced now. I was on this site a couple years ago and it helped me tremendously). I've gone for myself but never really went for a prolonged period. I'm going to get back into it. Thank you for shining light on this. I have the tools but they're usually all in my head (I'm not talking them out) and I'm going at it alone. I need to work with someone in person to really solidify my transformation and freedom from patterns.

So many people are held captive by their family! There's good ones out there but it seems less and less the more I talk with people. I'm a firm believer that we need to get back to living in community and having healthy relationships around us, like intentional communities, co-housing etc. I think that helps to heal the pain and trauma when you have a group of people united for a common cause.

Thank you again my friend!
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Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members / Re: Technology crisis
« Last post by 1footouttadefog on Today at 12:44:08 PM »
I used to be a professional remote fixer.

I still get called on to help people with remotes and my pdh has huge remote issues.   I worked for radio shack when younger and later had a computer and technicalsupport and small office home office consulting business.  Having dealt with both pd ND nons regarding remotes for decades, perhaps hundreds of folks. I don't try to assign motives to the problem It's multi faceted.

I did handle a great many issues back in the day by getting a buck of universal remotes with only 5 buttons.  Power, volume up down, and channel up down.

The problem children would only be allowed to touch the 5 button remote.

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Chosen Relationships / Re: He doesn't seem to remember
« Last post by Andeza on Today at 12:40:45 PM »
I did read about a brain wave study a while back that indicated BPD in particular has what you could call abuse amnesia from the flip side. They forget that they have abused us. Any time they commit abuse, the damaged part of their brain refuses to store the memory. I did see this play out over and over again with my uBPDm. Enough so that I'm inclined to think there's some truth to the study. However, that doesn't excuse them or their atrocious behavior toward us.

That said, my memory is insanely good and I trust it. She never got to gaslight me or properly guilt me because I'd argue the point, knowing I was right. Probably makes me sound like an insufferable know-it-all, but that's okay. I got out with my sanity mostly intact.
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Common Behaviors / Re: Do most pds have difficulty making conversation?
« Last post by square on Today at 12:40:45 PM »
My thought reading your post is that maybe the conversational issues are secondary to other things.

- If he uses disclosures against you, he may feel vulnerable himself.

- If he is narcissistic in nature he may not be interested in conversation that doesnít feed him.

- If he has discarded you, heíll want you to know you are not valued.
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