Recent posts
#21
Working on Us / Re: I said 'no' to someone and...
Last post by bloomie - April 18, 2024, 04:42:38 PMJollyJazz - the path to peace. "no." 
#22
Committed to Working On It / Re: Financial abuse-help!
Last post by bloomie - April 18, 2024, 04:35:57 PMMary - so thankful your brother was able to uncover this issue that could've been devastating!
I have no idea how donated material and labor would breakdown legally if your H decides to divorce. Is there a legal clinic in your area where you could get some good advice about how best to document and protect yourself financially?
I have no idea how donated material and labor would breakdown legally if your H decides to divorce. Is there a legal clinic in your area where you could get some good advice about how best to document and protect yourself financially?
#23
Dealing with PD Siblings and other Family Members / Re: Low contact turned to no c...
Last post by Rebel13 - April 18, 2024, 02:35:22 PMQuote from: walking on broken glass on April 18, 2024, 05:42:07 AMBest case scenario, you want to die of boredom, worst case scenario you want to scream.
Laughed out loud at this. That is EXACTLY how it was with my mom.
Quote from: walking on broken glass on April 18, 2024, 05:42:07 AMI suspect that sis does not really want to be in regular touch with me either. What she wants is me to want to be in touch with her, and she know that's not the case. And so she pushes to get what she wants.
Oh this is brilliant. The "I miss you so much!" thing is the attempted love-bombing they hope will make us *want contact with them.* Wow.
#24
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Please help me understand
Last post by sunshine702 - April 18, 2024, 01:02:25 PMAnd this is why I FOG.
Love you guys!!!
Love you guys!!!
#25
Working on Us / Re: The toll of chronic invali...
Last post by Invisiblewoman - April 18, 2024, 12:48:44 PMI have been looking through the glossary and read about imposed isolation and it really reminded me of what I am going through and my fear of being exposed and ruined for talking.
I sometimes think it must be me and I shouldn't have confronted the behaviour but on the other hand as adults you can respectfully disagree and make reasonable points. You are only human and the reaction I got was over the top, and it forced me into going no contact. Honestly I think they may have tried to report me or forcefully committed me as they tried in the past.
I was also thinking about how I can feel so comfortable around my brother. I feel at home when things are normal but when he starts a manipulation cycle he is cold and abusive and shows no compunction towards lying and stealing and even getting physically violent. I am trauma bonded and it's like when things are good I really try to soak that up. It makes my relationships outside my family hard because my sense of normalcy is skewed.
I sometimes think it must be me and I shouldn't have confronted the behaviour but on the other hand as adults you can respectfully disagree and make reasonable points. You are only human and the reaction I got was over the top, and it forced me into going no contact. Honestly I think they may have tried to report me or forcefully committed me as they tried in the past.
I was also thinking about how I can feel so comfortable around my brother. I feel at home when things are normal but when he starts a manipulation cycle he is cold and abusive and shows no compunction towards lying and stealing and even getting physically violent. I am trauma bonded and it's like when things are good I really try to soak that up. It makes my relationships outside my family hard because my sense of normalcy is skewed.
#26
Working on Us / Re: I said 'no' to someone and...
Last post by Rebel13 - April 18, 2024, 12:05:47 PMOh congratulations, it's a great feeling, isn't it? 
#27
Friends, Neighbors, Acquaintances and Coworkers / Re: Fired a friend today
Last post by Rebel13 - April 18, 2024, 12:03:29 PMThanks you two! I tried to do a fade, but yesterday friend popped up trying to set a specific date to hang out. I didn't feel like making excuses or weaseling out anymore.
I feel really, really sad about the kids. They are awesome -- funny and smart and lively. But I can see them struggling with what their parents are doing. The older one knows how to text me, so we'll see how that goes. I wish I could help more.
There were positive things about this friend too -- that's what makes these things so hard, right? Friend helped me a lot at my former job and I'm still really grateful for that. Another reason I didn't want to let my anger get the better of me. I hope the distancing sticks with your friend, walking on broken glass! Some people seem unable to pick up on those cues and need things stated flat out.
I feel really, really sad about the kids. They are awesome -- funny and smart and lively. But I can see them struggling with what their parents are doing. The older one knows how to text me, so we'll see how that goes. I wish I could help more.
There were positive things about this friend too -- that's what makes these things so hard, right? Friend helped me a lot at my former job and I'm still really grateful for that. Another reason I didn't want to let my anger get the better of me. I hope the distancing sticks with your friend, walking on broken glass! Some people seem unable to pick up on those cues and need things stated flat out.
#28
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Please help me understand
Last post by square - April 18, 2024, 12:02:19 PMWhen your husband was growing up, he was explicitly and vigorously groomed to believe his self worth could only come from pleasing Mother.
To not please her would be a personal extinction - he would become nothing, have no value, and cease to exist. He does not have a concept of a Self beyond the feedback he gets from Mother.
Other people in his life, including you, are side characters. NPCs, really. They can be useful but they cannot make him real and fulfilled, only Mother can.
When you ask him to ask her to move some junk out of the yard, that's a HELL NO because
1) he gets NOTHING out of it (pleasing you does not add value to his life, cleaning up the yard does not add value to his life).
2) most of all, to do so would add toward his very annihilation. Displeasing Mother will make him a nonperson.
There really isn't any calculation there. There is no chance he would choose to gain something of zero value to him at a cost of *everything*.
If he is on the phone to Mommy, you are just in his way. He is trying to fulfill the vast yawning void of his soul while you are, in his mind, yammering about nothing. Whatever you are saying has no significance whatsoever to him and Mommy has all the significance. Only Mommy can make him real.
You were sometimes useful in his efforts. You contributed money and labor that he could turn around to Mother and get some desperately needed life from her.
Sunshine, it's messed up as hell. The man is broken. It's not you, it's him.
To not please her would be a personal extinction - he would become nothing, have no value, and cease to exist. He does not have a concept of a Self beyond the feedback he gets from Mother.
Other people in his life, including you, are side characters. NPCs, really. They can be useful but they cannot make him real and fulfilled, only Mother can.
When you ask him to ask her to move some junk out of the yard, that's a HELL NO because
1) he gets NOTHING out of it (pleasing you does not add value to his life, cleaning up the yard does not add value to his life).
2) most of all, to do so would add toward his very annihilation. Displeasing Mother will make him a nonperson.
There really isn't any calculation there. There is no chance he would choose to gain something of zero value to him at a cost of *everything*.
If he is on the phone to Mommy, you are just in his way. He is trying to fulfill the vast yawning void of his soul while you are, in his mind, yammering about nothing. Whatever you are saying has no significance whatsoever to him and Mommy has all the significance. Only Mommy can make him real.
You were sometimes useful in his efforts. You contributed money and labor that he could turn around to Mother and get some desperately needed life from her.
Sunshine, it's messed up as hell. The man is broken. It's not you, it's him.
#29
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Please help me understand
Last post by Rebel13 - April 18, 2024, 11:55:24 AMHi sunshine, glad to hear you are still on your path. Now that you have your own place, I'm wondering if diminishing contact with your ex partner could help? It doesn't sound like there is much to work with there. Maybe you could use email to negotiate any final details about your leaving, and spend more time focusing on where you want to go next in your life?
Still sending you good thoughts and best wishes!
Still sending you good thoughts and best wishes!
#30
Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: New here, can’t figure thi...
Last post by Rebel13 - April 18, 2024, 11:48:47 AMI watched a video by Dr Ramani just last night, talking about the aging narcissist. You might like this too, Jane!
The short answer to "Why do I have to change?" is, you don't. No one HAS to change. (Our disordered family members are living proof of that.)
It's really easy to think that the source of all my problems is one person or one circumstance in my life. "If only I met my perfect partner, if only I had a better job, if only my mother would leave me alone -- my life would be perfect." Unfortunately, so many times the wished-for thing has come to pass, and come to find out -- I'm still me, with struggles and problems and bad habits, and there's always *just one more external thing* that needs to change for me to be truly happy. It's magical thinking.
So what I've come to realize is, if I want my life to get better -- if I want to not feel anxious all the time, if I want to quiet the voice in my head that tells me I'm awful, if I want to improve my relationships (with non-disordered people), perform better at work, enjoy the times of relaxation and pleasure that come to me -- then I have to unlearn what my parents taught me, and learn beliefs, habits and values that lead me where I want to go. Trees' explanation of how parents can brainwash and indoctrinate children in ways that are very unhelpful for the children is spot on! I'm going to copy that into my journal as a matter of fact, and re-read it when I forget how hard I have worked and how far I have come.
Have I sometimes felt angry and resentful about "having" to change because of the choices my parents made? Sure! But again, my parents are the perfect example of what happens when people get stuck in unproductive patterns and refuse to self-reflect and help themselves. I sure don't want to be like that. I wish my parents had chosen to undo what THEIR parents did to them, before they had me -- and since I feel that way, now that I'm an adult, it follows that it's my responsibility not to pass on the trauma they caused, to the people in my life. So I gotta do the work.
The short answer to "Why do I have to change?" is, you don't. No one HAS to change. (Our disordered family members are living proof of that.)
It's really easy to think that the source of all my problems is one person or one circumstance in my life. "If only I met my perfect partner, if only I had a better job, if only my mother would leave me alone -- my life would be perfect." Unfortunately, so many times the wished-for thing has come to pass, and come to find out -- I'm still me, with struggles and problems and bad habits, and there's always *just one more external thing* that needs to change for me to be truly happy. It's magical thinking.
So what I've come to realize is, if I want my life to get better -- if I want to not feel anxious all the time, if I want to quiet the voice in my head that tells me I'm awful, if I want to improve my relationships (with non-disordered people), perform better at work, enjoy the times of relaxation and pleasure that come to me -- then I have to unlearn what my parents taught me, and learn beliefs, habits and values that lead me where I want to go. Trees' explanation of how parents can brainwash and indoctrinate children in ways that are very unhelpful for the children is spot on! I'm going to copy that into my journal as a matter of fact, and re-read it when I forget how hard I have worked and how far I have come.
Have I sometimes felt angry and resentful about "having" to change because of the choices my parents made? Sure! But again, my parents are the perfect example of what happens when people get stuck in unproductive patterns and refuse to self-reflect and help themselves. I sure don't want to be like that. I wish my parents had chosen to undo what THEIR parents did to them, before they had me -- and since I feel that way, now that I'm an adult, it follows that it's my responsibility not to pass on the trauma they caused, to the people in my life. So I gotta do the work.