Recent posts

#31

Last Days / After the Funeral / Re: Do you feel sorry for them...

Last post by moglow - Yesterday at 09:13:04 AM

InvisibleWoman, it may have been a combination of hers and theirs, that they all did what they knew and kept passing it down until someone stops it. It's also entirely possible their treatment of you was due to hers of them, or whatever she may have told them about you. OR she could have been the scapegoat of her family who eventually got hers [power] back whenever and however she could. There's no way to know.

Even after all these years it's unimaginable to me that so many only seem to see the most harsh, bitter, unloving in everyone around them, and react in accordance with what they see. I've always wondered if it's nature or nurture, given what I've seen in my mother's family. Watching/hearing mother pick and poke and dig for a fight no matter the cost? She's 86 years old, you'd think she'd change course and try to soften her approach for whatever time she has left. But I'm also a cynic - there's really no reason for her to do that either at this point, she's burned pretty much all the bridges around her, intentionally setting up her isolation.

But you're absolutely right, I feel sorry for her/them/us. However we've been treated there's always a different response available - we all have options even when we fail to recognize them.

#32

Friends, Neighbors, Acquaintances and Coworkers / Re: Fired a friend today

Last post by Catothecat - Yesterday at 08:36:56 AM

Honestly, glass and Rebel, dealing with that friend was one of the more unsettling encounters I've had in my life.  That someone could just erase me from their memory like that.

And if anyone thinks maybe she was becoming demented or something, I ran into her AGAIN about 20 years later.  I was in physical therapy and there she was.  No, she was same as she ever was.  Totally unaware of who I was.  We shared a therapist so I was on the table next to her. Even if I had been blind I would've known it was her by her droning blather about what a wonderful person she was (she was going on about attending a music festival where she made so many new friends because she's such a great person and can talk to anyone!). 

While I loved my physical therapy and had been sorry it was my last session (due to insurance) after that I was glad I wasn't coming back.

#33

Chosen Relationships / Re: Question about Malintent

Last post by Tryingtounderstand - Yesterday at 08:11:29 AM

I am eating and sleeping. I am still ruminating and heartbroken. I feel defeated and think i could have done more. I have been looking at alternate therapies like Emotional focus therapy but then come to the realization that probably wont work. We haven't spoke since i left and I'm sure she doesn't feel the way i do. If she did she would reach out like i always have in the past. I would always welcome her with open arms. I want to reach out because that is how i am wired but i know it's useless. It would be nice just to hug one another and say everything will be fine but this is not possible.

#34

Friends, Neighbors, Acquaintances and Coworkers / Re: Fired a friend today

Last post by walking on broken glass - Yesterday at 04:56:13 AM

And she didn't recognize me!  At first I thought maybe she was playing it cool, but I soon realized she really didn't know who I was.  I hadn't changed that much that I would be unrecognizable.  Rather, it was just more evidence of her core narcissism.  Once I was no longer useful to her, she forgot about me as if I'd never existed as her so-called "friend."

Wow Catothecat, that's indeed so revealing! And I bet it made you feel better about cutting off contact with her. The damage could not have been that deep if she couldn't even remember you 😹

#35

Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members / Re: Sounds awful, but will he ...

Last post by Call Me Cordelia - April 22, 2024, 09:46:25 PM

You maintained regular visits. You allowed them to make their own choices and live their lives as they saw fit. You are offering assistance to people you have a really hard time with. You opened yourself back up to a long-dead relationship with your sister for the benefit of your awful parents. You have a mountain of financial work ahead of you. You naturally do not like this state of affairs one bit.

I see a very kind and generous person here, Blueberry.

#36

Chosen Relationships / Re: I just realized I am being...

Last post by sunshine702 - April 22, 2024, 09:39:34 PM

I would never scan his face for "micro aggressions" and then Rage at him

He has mommy rage problems.  And this was happening two years ago 2022

This is an abusive relationship

#37

Chosen Relationships / Re: I just realized I am being...

Last post by sunshine702 - April 22, 2024, 09:31:14 PM

And these blow outs are from him.  That I am not volatile.  I came on this board to get help with my mom's NPD only to discover his mom is also NPD and He is abusing me.  Near daily

#38

Chosen Relationships / I just realized I am being abu...

Last post by sunshine702 - April 22, 2024, 09:23:48 PM

This is going to sound cluesless but I just realized I AM BEING VERBALLY ABUSED BY PARTNER!!

Reading that post from 2 years not understanding much about BPD but describing being raged at for "disagreeing" with him on my face.  Being scanned.

This is a light bulb.  Seeing that all these years later and realizing this is not ok

And I am being abused.

Badly.

Apt is Wednesdsy

[do they care if they hurt you]

#39

Friends, Neighbors, Acquaintances and Coworkers / Re: Setting boundaries with BP...

Last post by Rebel13 - April 22, 2024, 09:13:50 PM

Hi again Rebel13, thank you for this reply too. I was wondering a bit more about how you went with asserting yourself with people who start drama.

Hi again coffee-for-short!

Please know that it has taken me YEARS to get to the point I am at now with friendships, so please be very gentle with yourself about all this. It is so clear, from what you have written, that you are doing your utmost to be a kind, conscientious, good friend to "Melanie" (lol moglow), and she is not treating you with the same respect and consideration. Her behavior is squarely on her, not you.

I think you said it perfectly here, you just need a reframe:  "She has high needs/expectations in a friendship and as I heal my codependent tendencies I ... think I can no longer meet those high needs/expectations. I really hope she can get those needs met by someone else or elsewhere as I cannot do that for her anymore. That does not mean that I am not interested in a friendship with her. I would like to maintain our friendship but be less close."

So let me reframe! When she brings the topic up again, you can say, "'Melanie', I've been thinking about this, and I don't want as close a friendship as you do. I'd be glad to interact with you socially but I'm really not up for a close friendship, and I hope you can find what you're looking for with someone else." If she persists, repeat as needed, say "excuse me" and walk away, or whatever you need to do to stay firm in your boundary. You don't have to be mean or mad, you can even say, "I wish you the best," and show that you're sad or sorry for hurting her feelings. But if it's the right decision for you, that's the decision you get to make.

In the more general sense, the old saying "an ounce of prevention beats a pound of cure" is applicable for these kinds of relationships -- avoiding getting into them in the first place is the best way!

Here's a great quote from ChumpLady about this:
"Any two people are going to experience some conflict at some point. So when those issues arise, watch what happens next. If you enforce a boundary — how does this person react? Do you get the three channels of mindfuckery? Rage, charm, or self-pity? Or is this person capable of self-reflection? Most important, do they care if they hurt you? Do they want to please you? Does the relationship feel reciprocal?"

Because of my upbringing (codependent is one good way I could describe myself too!), it took me a long time to learn to spot these dynamics. I watched a video today where the speaker said something like, "If you were trained to overfunction, when you meet someone who isn't coping with their life well, you see it as an invitation for you to step in and overfunction to fix their problems." Oh my goodness isn't that the truth! I had to learn to proceed slowly with new people, to give the red flags time to emerge. I tried a couple of times, when I was younger, in pretty big, self-sacrificing, life-disrupting ways to help people I barely knew who were in crisis, and those situations did not end well.

The biggest red flag for me now, is when someone only talks about themselves and/or never asks anything about me. This is getting harder, because overall I think it's more and more acceptable for people to be self-absorbed, at least in the US. But I watch for that, and when I see it, or even think I see it, I take a step back and slow down the progress of the relationship. If I'm wrong, there's no harm done and the friendship can proceed slowly. But if I'm right, it's so nice to dodge the bullets instead of having to extricate myself from someone who only wants to use me for attention or whatever other personal needs they have.

#40

Last Days / After the Funeral / Do you feel sorry for them?

Last post by Invisiblewoman - April 22, 2024, 07:08:22 PM

When they passed (my mom) I was initially relieved, which sounds cold but then I was confronted with the reality that I was being isolated and stonewalled.

Now I know that that was a typical reaction from my family (to seek out a scapegoat) I stepped back.

Now I seriously wonder how she was treated and if a lot of her behaviour was an outcome of poor treatment in our family?

I honestly just feel sorry for her now.