Recent posts
#61
Working on Us / Small steps almost a year out
Last post by losingmyself - April 23, 2024, 09:12:58 PMAlmost a year away from my X. No contact feels great! I'm getting better, trying to spread my wings a little. Very much enjoying my first spring alone!
I reached out to an old friend who happens to be my X's first wife! We were best friends, and I missed her terribly. We have reconnected and we're enjoying our rekindled friendship. I am so happy to have her in my life again!
She did say something the other day that I guess only someone close to me could see. She said that she knows that I'm healing, but I am different than I used to be. More reserved, more quiet, not as bubbly. I guess I hadn't considered it, thinking I was doing well. She said she knows it'll take a while, but he changed me. I have some more work to do, or maybe I'm just going to be different. Time will tell.
But I love the peace, even if it comes with a bit of loneliness.
Can't wait to plant flowers!!
Happy spring, friends!!
I reached out to an old friend who happens to be my X's first wife! We were best friends, and I missed her terribly. We have reconnected and we're enjoying our rekindled friendship. I am so happy to have her in my life again!
She did say something the other day that I guess only someone close to me could see. She said that she knows that I'm healing, but I am different than I used to be. More reserved, more quiet, not as bubbly. I guess I hadn't considered it, thinking I was doing well. She said she knows it'll take a while, but he changed me. I have some more work to do, or maybe I'm just going to be different. Time will tell.
But I love the peace, even if it comes with a bit of loneliness.
Can't wait to plant flowers!!
Happy spring, friends!!
#62
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Is every discussion of the...
Last post by moglow - April 23, 2024, 07:49:46 PMSunshine, there's actually a book "I hate you, don't leave me" - siren song of the BPD individual. He's reacting, not thinking. You're changing the script and that's scary.
Baby steps they may be, but keep moving forward and OUT.
Baby steps they may be, but keep moving forward and OUT.
#63
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Is every discussion of the...
Last post by square - April 23, 2024, 07:48:59 PMI got the idea that in this case it was a method of control, but sure, PDs certainly can scream at people to leave as a response to fear of abandonment.
It's irrational, hence dysfunctional, but there is a weird emotional pseudo logic.
"You can't reject me because I reject you first!"
"I will punish you for what you have done!"
"
It's irrational, hence dysfunctional, but there is a weird emotional pseudo logic.
"You can't reject me because I reject you first!"
"I will punish you for what you have done!"
"
#64
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Is every discussion of the...
Last post by sunshine702 - April 23, 2024, 07:42:28 PMI don't understand the Fear of Abandonment with the screaming at me to leave and throwing my things out of the house.
These are the exact opposite things. This makes no darn rational sense
These are the exact opposite things. This makes no darn rational sense
#65
Friends, Neighbors, Acquaintances and Coworkers / Re: Fired a friend today
Last post by walking on broken glass - April 23, 2024, 06:08:02 PMLucky that this happened on your last session! Imagine if you had to deal with her throughout...
#66
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Is every discussion of the...
Last post by Rose1 - April 23, 2024, 06:07:05 PMAlso, there is a strong reaction to abandonment. All of these reasons are why the point of leaving is one of the most dangerous. Protect yourself. Perhaps it's wise for you to do your stuff rather than discuss
#67
Common Behaviors / Re: Taking Your Crisis, and Ma...
Last post by Poison Ivy - April 23, 2024, 05:43:45 PMI had a severe eating disorder when I was a teenager. At one point, my family and I had a few sessions of family therapy, and in one of the sessions, my mom said something about her theory that I had gotten sick to make her and the rest of the family look bad. My mom has struggled with various types of mental illnesses throughout her life (which I don't blame her for), but I'm certain that these illnesses affected her parenting, especially of me, and that I inherited some genes for brain disorders. Her statement in that family therapy session about me choosing my illness and using it to hurt the rest of the family killed any possibility that I would want to or attempt to have a closer relationship with her. I'm in my 60s now, she's 95, I help with her care, but I've never forgiven her for that statement.
#68
Common Behaviors / Re: Taking Your Crisis, and Ma...
Last post by Call Me Cordelia - April 23, 2024, 05:15:46 PMThat sounds beyond awful and a lot to work through years afterwards, but I'm glad for you that you are now. So many in your life who should have been on your side and protected you failed to do so.
The title of your post resonated very much with me. Yes. I too was not allowed struggles and suffering unless it could be turned towards my parents' advantage as a source of supply. In my case and then my younger sibling's it became factious disorder by proxy. So much drama and attention to be had by playing the poor parents who were bankrupting themselves and suffering so much by watching their children suffer from unknown dramatic illnesss.
As a teenager this sibling also experimented with self-harming. She was not gotten any help whatsoever, like with the constant bringing her to specialists for her vague and wildly exaggerated physical symptoms. No. She got blame, shame, physical abuse, and never speak of this ever again. No way to play mother of the year with that one.
The title of your post resonated very much with me. Yes. I too was not allowed struggles and suffering unless it could be turned towards my parents' advantage as a source of supply. In my case and then my younger sibling's it became factious disorder by proxy. So much drama and attention to be had by playing the poor parents who were bankrupting themselves and suffering so much by watching their children suffer from unknown dramatic illnesss.
As a teenager this sibling also experimented with self-harming. She was not gotten any help whatsoever, like with the constant bringing her to specialists for her vague and wildly exaggerated physical symptoms. No. She got blame, shame, physical abuse, and never speak of this ever again. No way to play mother of the year with that one.
#69
Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: Stabilization phase
Last post by moglow - April 23, 2024, 05:14:45 PMRiver, you're on to something! To me no contact isn't about "them" at all, but for and about us. There's a big difference between no contact and silent treatment, and not everyone grasps that. Either can change at any time, but it's the intent that makes the difference. Silent treatment is directed and and punitive towards the other person, a "take THAT!" if you will. No contact is more of a big deep breath of fresh air and a whole other kind of silence.
Over the years I've had several chunks of time where I took a large step back and away from mother, and it did help me stabilize. I didn't make a big announcement or make it about her at all - I took it for myself. Without the incessant chaos that's such a huge part of her, I could actually think things through and see her for who she is. I could hear what's been said, see what's been done. When it's going on all around us, it's damned hard to stop and focus. We're all off kilter because they are off kilter.
Over the years I've had several chunks of time where I took a large step back and away from mother, and it did help me stabilize. I didn't make a big announcement or make it about her at all - I took it for myself. Without the incessant chaos that's such a huge part of her, I could actually think things through and see her for who she is. I could hear what's been said, see what's been done. When it's going on all around us, it's damned hard to stop and focus. We're all off kilter because they are off kilter.
#70
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Is every discussion of the...
Last post by square - April 23, 2024, 04:49:47 PMPDs are indeed more likely to perceive attacks, yes. Cluster Bs in particular guard their egos and images fiercely. They are more likely to view anything short of total enmeshment (such as you having different opinions, tastes, preferences, needs) as attacks.
Additionally, your specific request of boundaries with the in laws is the ultimate threat to a man whose sense of sense is built wholly on his mother's approval.
Additionally, your specific request of boundaries with the in laws is the ultimate threat to a man whose sense of sense is built wholly on his mother's approval.