What you gain when you lose

Started by Gaining Clarity, June 03, 2019, 09:26:17 AM

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Gaining Clarity

June 03, 2019, 09:26:17 AM
    Hello OOTFers!

    Going NC is extremely difficult, often our last resort, and a journey filled with ups and downs, I wanted to share what I've gained in losing FOO and sadly, many in my extended family as well as friends. Hope my insights will help those who feel discouraged on this journey or when they're experiencing a setback/questioning whether they're doing the right thing with NC.

    I'm almost 17 months NC with Nmom/FOO after more than 50 years trying to understand, appease, work through, explain away, forgive and/or ignore the dysfunction. Thankfully, I have a wonderfully supportive FOC and a small group of equally kind, understanding friends. They do help ease the pain of this journey. Though I've made great strides, it's a daily effort. I need to remind myself of why I went NC and how it's changed my life for the better. Though I had to lose FOO, I've gained the following:

    1) Calmer daily life.
    2) Inner peace.
    3) Heightened awareness of what motivates my reactions and choices (often numbed myself to/tamped down my emotions/motivators for a long time as a defense mechanism). I recognize that someone else's reactions/behaviors have more to do with their own perceptions and struggles than with me.
    4) More discerning about how and with whom I spend my time.
    5) Better at setting and enforcing healthy boundaries. "No" is a complete sentence.
    6) No longer feel guilt-ridden when I do set boundaries.
    7) Am learning to practice greater self-care and love. I can ask for what I want or need without feeling guilty for doing so.
    8) Showing emotion in a reasonable manner and being vulnerable in an authentic way don't mean that I am crazy or unstable. They are healthy and a sign of strength not weakness.
    9) Can more readily pinpoint the "red flags" in those who are not coming from a sincere, respectful place. I no longer overextend or invest myself in them.
    10) Have become better at asserting myself, while learning that silence is often the most compelling statement.
    11) Accept that people will believe what they want to believe. I have no control over changing that and can only control what I do and how I react to/perceive things. Their opinions of me are not my business. The one opinion of me that I should care about is my own.
    12) That those who have turned their backs on me - based on hearsay - never really did respect me and never were true friends. More importantly, I recognize that I don't want that kind of a "friend". Moreover, never make people a priority when they only consider you an option.
    13) After years of needing approval/validation, I no longer need it. It's ok that not everyone likes/includes me. What's important is that I like and accept myself.
    14) I am at ease with who I am and am comfortable being by myself. I also express my opinion without fear of retribution.
    15) I am more fully present and therefore, find more joy in my daily life and observations.
    16) I am more productive and creative.
    17) I am more appreciative of the simple things in life. I no longer need to find self-worth in material possessions or trying to impress others.
    18) I feel empowered. I cannot change my past but I have the ability to shape my future.
    19) I am able to let go of negative associations of the past by recreating new and positive associations.
    20) I am attracting people into my life who are genuine, loving, compassionate, respectful and supportive. Interestingly, many of them are women older than myself and/or Nmom's age. The Universe is now providing me with what I previously lacked. Loving, supportive maternal figures.
    21) I am recognizing my talents and am working towards realizing my full potential.
    22) I no longer feel compelled to JADE. I don't owe an explanation to those who abuse me; let alone a response.
    23) I remain empathetic, while not letting others take advantage of me or violate my boundaries.
    24) I have broken the multi-generational pattern of dysfunction. As a result, my own child's relationships with his immediate FOO as well as his FOC will be happier and healthier.
    25) My future is bright. No matter how tough it's been, the journey has enabled me to unearth my true self. I recognize that I am not weak, crazy or a pariah. I am a strong, loving, smart, creative and worthy individual.

    You will be okay. You will survive and thrive. Sending love and support to each of you!

SunnyMeadow

#1
June 03, 2019, 03:51:29 PM
Thank you so much Gaining Clarity!  :like:

I'm happy to be experiencing many of the same things you've experienced. I'm slowly feeling stronger and like I matter. I can say NO, it's a complete sentence.

Here's to surviving and thriving!  :drinks:

gettingstronger1

#2
June 03, 2019, 04:14:39 PM
Gaining Clarity,

What a great post. You have made so many insightful and valid points.  I will print out and keep this post.  I hope everyone reads your post and gains hope from what you said.  I can be so easy to just focus on the frustrating things when dealing with a dysfunctional family of origin.  It is helpful to remember that there are so many good things that can come from difficult experiences. There is hope that things will get better. Learning to love yourself and finding joy in your life is such an empowering experience.  Best wishes to you and to all off us who are working on the ideas you listed.

Gaining Clarity

#3
June 03, 2019, 08:13:14 PM
SunnyMeadow: I love what you said about feeling stronger and like you matter. I think it's so important because many of us here have been invalidated and objectified in many instances. I'm glad that you are reaping the benefits of all of your hard work and courage.

Gettingstronger1: Thank you! It was my hope that by sharing the good things that have come out of this experience that it would help others. You are so right that finding joy and learning to love oneself are empowering. Wishing you well on your continued journey.

Call Me Cordelia

#4
June 03, 2019, 08:19:56 PM
Can we pin this one?

:applause: :applause: :applause:

blacksheep7

#6
June 04, 2019, 09:06:40 AM Last Edit: June 04, 2019, 09:21:40 AM by blacksheep7
Hi Gaining Clarity,

What a beautiful inspiring post.  Thank you!  I am also finally experiencing many of those points after 24 months nc with NM & FOO (her followers).  My circle of friends has also diminished to few true friends.

Free to be me.  :banana:

I will print it and keep it close for reference.

YES to Surviving & Thriving :dance:
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

"When people show you who they are, believe them."
Maya Angelou

Sidney37

#7
June 04, 2019, 09:54:55 AM
Thank you for posting this.  I'm just about a month into NC for the second time around. This time it's most likely going to stick. 

It's amazing how much calmer I am and how much better my relationships are with my husband and children.  It's also amazing how much time I have to get things done when I'm not on required phone calls with her for hours a day.  This list is a fabulous reminder of what I've gained and I'm sure I will gain even more in the upcoming months.

Gaining Clarity

#8
June 04, 2019, 10:40:53 AM
Blacksheep7: I'm familiar with your story from past posts. So happy that you are doing well  :boogie:

Sidney37: I also found that the calmer I got, the more my relationships with DH and DS improved. Hope the list continues to give you strength  :)

blacksheep7

#9
June 05, 2019, 10:56:39 AM

Best wishes Gaining Clarity  :kisscheek:
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

"When people show you who they are, believe them."
Maya Angelou

Saywhat

#11
June 07, 2019, 03:10:48 AM
This is so powerful. Thank you so much Gaining Clarity.

Gaining Clarity

#12
June 07, 2019, 12:56:20 PM
Thank you, Saywhat  :bighug:

I am familiar with your story and hope that the loneliness and sadness are lifting, and that your baby boy is doing well.

I read your poem to your mother. It is very poignant and I hope unburdening those feelings on paper helped ease your pain.

BettyGray

#13
June 09, 2019, 08:56:20 AM
 :yeahthat:Yes, yes, and 25 times yes! I would add #26: I finally got my Sunday's back. No more making the obligatory and dreaded phone call to Nmom, listening to her drone on about herself for 30 minutes!!!

Oh, and #27: I have saved thousands of dollars in not having to buy gifts, or travel to see them!

Sojourner17

#14
June 09, 2019, 10:48:45 PM
Thank you for this post.  I screen saved it in my phone so I can reference it. It was so inspiring!
"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..." - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

Call Me Cordelia

#15
June 10, 2019, 05:56:09 AM
Quote from: Liz1018 on June 09, 2019, 08:56:20 AM

Oh, and #27: I have saved thousands of dollars in not having to buy gifts, or travel to see them!

"I just saved a bunch of money by switching to no contact!"

Oh man, didn't we have a tomato throwing smiley? Haha! But yes to that! Enmeshment is darned expensive! We went on our first real family vacation after going NC, because we could finally afford to!

Gaining Clarity

#16
June 10, 2019, 01:36:03 PM
Liz1018: I like your additions to the list!
Sojourner17: I'm glad you like it. It's a good reminder to stay the course when I feel sad or have someone tell me that I should always stick with family no matter what.
CallMeCordelia:  :applause: Good one!

Adria

#17
June 11, 2019, 09:32:23 AM
Thank you so much Gaining Clarity,

I needed that today :yes:
For a flower to blossom, it must rise from the dirt.

Gaining Clarity

#18
June 11, 2019, 10:24:36 AM
Take care of yourself, Adria  :bighug:
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