How do you know if you are a scapegoat?

[35andnewlife]

Hello all!

You know, I have always thought that I was the GC...as long as I kept pleasing my parents. But now it is dawning on me that maybe I'm the SG. My NM informed me that she is travelling with my bro for the holidays and gushed about how amazing that was going to be. BTW she's mad because once again, I said no to a visit because during our last visit (only two days - to see my kids), she undermined my parenting in numerous ways and then belittled me when I called her out.

Growing up, my parents went to all of my brother's performances but never came to my games, even though they were down the block from our house. My NM would be openly affectionate with him and stare at me. When my grandfather died, I had family members calling ME saying I needed to check on my parents. I have some family near us but I never hear from them and when I reach out, they are frosty, to be sure. 

I always knew that I was the family therapist and peacemaker, but not necessarily the SC. I feel the heavy burden that I am supposed to make my NM happy. But now that I am vlc almost NC again, no one in the family will talk to me if I stand up to NM. But when I please NM, they come out of the woodwork saying hello and asking how we are.

Any thoughts? I thought you had to be like the troublemaker or something to be the SG. No? Maybe not so much?

Thanks!

[Sojourner17]

Hi 35andnewlife, I'm sorry that your family isn't talking to you now that you are LC. It's sad when there is such a group mentality.

I think I oscillated between GC and SG growing up. The unfortunate thing is my sisters has the SG role put on them more than I but if I didn't tow the line I would be put in that role. 

I'd like to hear what others farther down the journey have to say about this as well.

[PeanutButter]

I was / am the sg and i was a good child/teen. I was an honor roll student. I did not ask my parents for anything. My sister who was rebellious at home and in trouble at school demands my parents support her financially and they do. She is the golden child. The role you are put in is not an reflection of who you are but a projection from the abusive parents personality disordered mind ime. So toublemaker is gc good girl is sg in my family.

[JustKat]

I thought you had to be like the troublemaker or something to be the SG. No? Maybe not so much?

Hi 35andnewlife,

It really has nothing to do with being a troublemaker or not. For me it was the opposite. I was such a goody-two-shoes, never misbehaved, always studied hard and was also an honor roll student. Still, I was the target of Nmother's wrath for as far back as I can remember. No matter how good I was, I was never good enough. By contrast, my GC brother was a total brat growing up. No matter how badly he behaved Nmother made excuses for him and lavished him with praise.

My parents had two girls and one son. I was born first, my brother last. They wanted a son very badly and he became the GC the moment he came out of the womb. I have NO idea how I became the SG, especially since they were scapegoating me before the GC was even born.

I have no answers as to why or how these disordered parents select their scapegoat, but our actions have nothing to do with it. You didn't do anything to deserve it. None of us did. We were just "chosen." 

As for them changing up the roles, when my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer she had me disinherited along with my brother because she didn't like his wife. She then made my sister the GC. I remained the SG, with my brother becoming a sort of secondary scapegoat. I believe my sister ended up the GC because she continued to obey orders, never married, and could still be controlled. I cemented my role as SG when I chose to go NC, and I'm fine with that.

[Nominuke]

In my situation I was the scapegoat for about as long as I can remember.

How do you tell? The contrast with the massive amounts of preferential treatment towards the golden child. A couple of examples that come to mind;

When I was about 10 I was left in the house alone whilst parents and sibling (the GC) went out. They returned with a load of new toys for my sibling and nothing for me. It wasn't a birthday or anything and I cried at the unfairness. I was then pushed away and told to grow up.

Again about 10 years old and being at my grandparents house. My sibling was being noisy and running around whilst I was being quiet. I got hit for being naughty and loud by my Ndad as you couldn't punish one without punishing the other (except if it was just me being naughty)

In fact often being told that as I was the oldest I would get my arsed kicked if I ever did anything wrong and often getting it kicked for things my sibling could do.

Sibling having themselves and their partner taken on overseas holidays as teenagers.

Sibling being offered cast-offs furniture and household goods first and being given some of my childhood possessions.

Sibling getting financial support for marriage and buying a house etc etc.

Siblings children being given preferential treatment.

The list is endless.

It was only as an adult that it became clear that I was an accident (my parents married less than 6 months before I was born) and my Ndad had resented my existence for my entire life.

It also stems for my Ndad being treated in a similar way by his parents.

All this caused me a lot of problems in my late teens as I rebelled hard against him.

So in my opinion the idea that you have to be bad to be a scapegoat is putting the cart before the horse. A lot of scapegoats are sent down the wrong path rebelling against their bad parents.

[35andnewlife]

Thanks everyone for your responses!!

I was the "good girl" up until I had kids. Then I started saying no and setting boundaries and now no one will talk to me unless NM finds me favorable that moment. But whenever I stepped out of line growing up, and even as recently as last week, the go to is calling me selfish an ungrateful.

My bro on the other hand, such the rebel growing up and he gets $$ and attention from my parents despite the fact that's a pretty self-centered person himself. Me, I have to be selfless all the time or I am called names.

[JustKat]

In fact often being told that as I was the oldest I would get my arsed kicked if I ever did anything wrong and often getting it kicked for things my sibling could do.

I'm curious how many of us who were the SG child were also the firstborn. As the oldest, I became a teenager first, which my mother saw as an act of defiance since she wanted us all to remain children. She absolutely freaked when I went through puberty and gained independent thoughts. At that point she started sabotaging me and doing whatever she could to destroy me. I honestly believe she only wanted babies because they were like dolls that were completely dependent on her to be bathed and clothed and never talked back. Just speculating here, but perhaps I became the scapegoat when I was two and my sister was born. Suddenly there was a new "doll" to play with while I was walking and talking and growing up, which wasn't what she wanted. Then brother was born ... new "doll," new GC.

My bro on the other hand, such the rebel growing up and he gets $$ and attention from my parents despite the fact that's a pretty self-centered person himself.

My GC brother also became very self-centered as an adult. He was the sweetest kid growing up, but once he hit high school he started acting very entitled and very full of himself. I'm sure this was the result of his upbringing as the GC. He was given everything, just everything, and it ended up changing his personality. These personality traits do get passed down through generations as learned behaviors. I'm SO glad I ran away and eventually went NC. I'm emotionally wrecked over what they did to me, but at least I'm a normal human being who is able to feel compassion and empathy. I'd rather be a good and decent person than be someone who sold their soul just to get "stuff."

[Saywhat]

You don't have to be the troublemaker AT ALL to be the Sg. I was a good girl and was always the Sg. When I stopped putting up with their crap I continued to be the Sg. My little brother is the GC, even though he's failed at almost everything in life. So it is..

[Call Me Cordelia]

Another good-girl eldest child scapegoat. We don't really have a golden child in my FOO. I am sure if I had had a brother that would have been him. I have always and forever been the scapegoat, next sister more of a lost child, the baby of the family *could* be NM's GC but NF's SG, and NM never protects her from NF in any meaningful way, but spoils her materially.

I have read it is very often the eldest who is the scapegoat. Ns gotta have one, and hey now I have a defenseless kid for that! (Just like they have children for doing dishes and weeding the yard.) Also the thing about them naturally gaining independence I.e. threatening the N's controllllllll First makes sense to me. Also if you subscribe to birth order theory, the eldest also tends to be the most responsible.

It also seems that there tends to be far more SG daughters than sons, in my personal experience here and among ACONs I know in real life. I wonder if there is research on that.

[Call Me Cordelia]

It could also be true that good-girl SGs are most likely to come Out of the FOG and therefore be over-represented in communities like this one. It makes no sense for parents to hate the kid who is objectively doing well, dutiful in maintaining relationship, etc. while idolizing a sibling who does none of those things and worse. If the SG child is in trouble with the law or has obvious personal issues, and the GC is a doctor pillar of the community type, for example, the adult children might be less likely to come to awareness of what's really going on with the parents since to a certain degree the externals "match" the narrative.

[WomanInterrupted]

I'm an only child scapegoat - the family scapegoat.   

UnBPD Didi and unNPD Ray had been married for over 12 years before they adopted me.  I was the consolation prize, after a series of miscarriages - and suddenly!  The  blazing row that had been their entire marriage now had *somebody to blame!*   

Didi wasn't to blame!  Ray wasn't to blame!  I was the cause of all the problems, all along!   

The first time I heard the line, from Nirvana's "All Apologies" - "Find my nest of salt, everything's my fault..." - I knew I'd found a kindred spirit who *understood.*   

Everything was my fault.  Didi had a bad day at work?  My fault.  Ray got into a fist-fight at work?  My fault.  The refrigerator is on the fritz?  I must have done it.  Even their taxes being raised was somehow my fault and not the town's - they would have had to pay school tax, whether they had a child or not, so it makes NO sense.   

That's how I started to realize there was something seriously wrong with both of them, probably at the tender age of 4 or 5 - I'd listen to what I was being told, what was being hammered into my head about me  being a bad girl, a spoiled brat, an ungrateful snot and wonder *how that could be my fault since I had NO power.*   

Well, in kid-terms, of course.  I knew I wasn't Sabrina the Teenage Witch or Tabitha from Bewitched - I couldn't actually DO anything except hide and make myself very small and invisible.   

If all I'm doing is hiding, making myself small, playing quietly in my room, or doing homework, being as bland and invisible as possible, how are their problems *my fault?*   

I was just a convenient target:  small, relatively helpless, couldn't really fight back at all and was easy to brainwash that *everything* that went on in that house was a SECRET - and we do NOT tell secrets to outsiders, because they won't understand!   

That's a classic abuser tactic - and I wish I knew it then.      

They didn't bother to teach me anything, tried not to spend time with me, showed no interest in how I did in school (unless I did well - then I was mocked for being a know-it-all  ), went to as few PTA meetings as possible, would complain endlessly if I had to bring in food for others (for your birthday, you were expected to share cupcakes or cookies with the class - they'd complain I gave them NO notice and act like it's the end of the bloody world when *the same damned thing happened every year, and my birthday is ALWAYS the same date!*   ), and WORST of all, would scream at me and say, "You should KNOW how to BEHAVE/ACT!" - when all I had were Didi and Ray as examples - and not good ones!   

I always felt like an unwanted child - oh, they let me know I was adopted to be SURE I knew nobody wanted me, and I was LUCKY they came along, so I should always be GRATEFUL - but I felt unwanted.  Unloved.  Misunderstood.  Constantly frightened and confused with all the screams of, "What is WRONG  WITH YOU!?!?!?" - I tried walking off a highway overpass when I was seven, and a friend's older sister managed to grab me before I stepped off the concrete ledge and fell 50 feet into heavy traffic.

My friend told her parents, and it was all put down to there's something wrong with me - not anything going on at home.   

Ah, the 70's, where ignorance was bliss and we didn't realize the monster in the closet wasn't in the closet - it was in the living room or kitchen, and called itself mom or dad.   

I left home when I was 18 and things were fairly calm for a long time - but I was *really* starting to resent the FOG used on me to keep me in line   - and started fighting back against it with a rudimentary form of
Medium Chill and just REFUSING to do a damned thing, once Didi or Ray got my dander up.   

They were now ageing - and getting worse, and using *the same tactics they used on me as a kid* to make me feel worthless, and like I owed them something  - ah!  That's why they adopted the Family Scapegoat!  I'm the Old Age Golden Parachute Plan!   

And naaaaaah - didn't work!   

By the time things got REALLY bad, I'd been reading this site for a while and contributing for about 6  months.   

But it is *amazing* the things they'll do and say to make you feel like that terrified, lonely child, who has no *choice* but to OBEY - or SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES - while having any shred of self-esteem torn to shreds, at every turn.   

They couldn't hit or spank me, so the words became even more vicious and angry  - and passive-aggressive.  I'd be compared to OTHER adult children who LOVE their parents and do x, y, and z  for them - meaning, "WTF is YOUR problem?  Why are you not trying harder?"   

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction - I stayed away and kept lowering contact, leaving them at the mercy of (God forbid!) STRANGERS.   

Didi's been dead over 5 years - and there was much rejoicing - and Ray's been in a memory care unit for a bit over 3 years - I'm NC, and have never been happier.   

I'd been shunned and vilified by the *entire* FOO because of Didi and Ray - but the entire thing is a mess of PDs - which came into clear focus after Ray was declared incompetent.

It didn't take long for "concerned" members of his FOO to come sniffing around for Ray's money  - the nursing home would call me, I'd roll my eyes, the social worker and I would have a good laugh, and she'd tell them she couldn't pass along any information - call Ray's POA.   

They all know it's me - and they all have my number.  Not one of them has dared to call, because there's no easy way to say, "Hey...sorry for ignoring you for the past 40-something years, but  where's Ray's money, and can I have some?"   

The FOO is REALLY rife with PDs  - and SG's - probably some of whom came Out of the FOG or got help, put order to chaos, and started putting up boundaries to get on with their lives in a healthy way. 

You know - the ones they call weirdos, or malfunctioning - and we know what they say about us:  none of it good.   

They can keep thinking it  but in a strange way, I'm proud to have graduated from SG  to the Lioness  who protects a man who never protected me, a day in my life  - and by his choice, would STILL be abusing me in having me as his 24/7 SLAVE.   

I may have lost the Parent Lottery - like many of us - but  I'm doing okay in the Life Lottery. 

The escaped goat grew up to be a Lioness - with the heart of a gypsy, the soul of a hippy, and the mouth of a sailor.   

That, in spite of what I realize now:   unBPD  Didi - the B in Borderline is "borderline psychotic."  Ray actually WAS diagnosed as psychotic  at the nursing home - and based on what I told them, they said he's been that way all or most of his adult life.

Yeah - the CHILD was the only sane person in that house! 

No WONDER I was the instant SG - I was *normal*!   

[Call Me Cordelia]

No WONDER I was the instant SG - I was *normal*!   

Oh my gosh!!!! Yes! We're the scapegoats because we are Not Like Them! What a revelation and a relief! 

[PeanutButter]

I was not the oldest but I was the SG. My sister was oldest and she was the GC.

[HindSightIs2020]

In my 'family', the primary scapegoat was the oldest child of the family (my sister). As for how I knew that..... well, it was obvious. They had nothing good to say about her. For her, yes I would say that she did take on somewhat of a 'troublemaker' role. However, I'm not necessarily sure that this was the reason for her being the SG. I think that it likely happened the other way around, but I wasn't in the house to see it happen since she is much older than I am. Unfortunately, I think she was SG from birth for being "an accident".

Also, they have had a tendency to overshare to the extreme when it came to her. They told me about how my mom being pregnant with her was "accidental", would be quick tell me and other members of the family negative things about whatever problems there were in her life, and even have been known to share some really personal things about her, including one thing that was highly inappropriate to share with me (her son). And generally, they seemed to have an attitude like they did not want to be bothered with her, just dreaded seeing her.

However, I was sort of the 'secondary scapegoat' who was primarily in the GC role growing up. They would sometimes blame me for things that would be broken around the house and things of the sort, yet would still look at me positively in many ways. However, they could sometimes turn and be extremely negative and hyper-critical in their attitudes towards me. And I would always get the sense that being discarded was something that was and is well within the realm of possibility when it comes to their interactions with me.

[Call Me Cordelia]

And I would always get the sense that being discarded was something that was and is well within the realm of possibility when it comes to their interactions with me.

Regarding your question on the other thread, this statement screams "OBJECT!" to me. One doesn't throw away humans without first dehumanizing them.

That was very helpful regarding identifying your sister as the SG. All of those things are so much easier to see when the dynamic is between pwPD and someone other than yourself.

[HindSightIs2020]

Regarding your question on the other thread, this statement screams "OBJECT!" to me. One doesn't throw away humans without first dehumanizing them.

I agree, and I have felt the same way. The threats of abandonment really does seem to point to a people as objects sort of mentality. Keep in mind that these weren't merely empty threats said in an argument that came across as empty threats (e.g. PD person gets angry and yells "I'm never speaking to you again!", then wakes up the next day trying to 'make nice'). For one, I was very young when I first heard such threats. These times, it was during an argument, yes. But at the same time I was only 8 years old when I first heard, "You need us, but we don't need you." And I heard more of the threats, later on, which sent the message even more strongly.

Actually, I'm going to post a thread discussing the threats in even more detail, but I agree. I feel like the threats are a giveaway of the people as objects sort of mentality, to a certain extent at least. And if they were actually serious about the threats (which I believe they very well may have been), I would say this even more strongly. And even if not, I would say that making the threats to a child nonetheless seems like intentionally manipulating and knowingly abusive behavior. After posting that thread, I began to think more critically about the situation, and honestly I began to see that the threats of abandonment definitely create a different..... and more intentional and blatantly abusive tone regarding the circumstances of my situation in general. I'm going to post a thread discussing this in more detail.

That was very helpful regarding identifying your sister as the SG. All of those things are so much easier to see when the dynamic is between pwPD and someone other than yourself.

Yes, and my sister was sort of used as a threat of sorts in itself. She was sort of the 'bad example' in the family. She is very angry, negative, and self sabotaging (probably a person with a personality disorder herself). While she became the 'troublemaker' of the family in a sense, I (even as a kid) had the sense that she was sort of shoved into that role and then began to turn on me for jealousy towards me for being in what she perceived as the GC role as opposed to having been a 'troublemaker' on her own volition. I think that, unfortunately, she is an extremely damaged person and has engaged in a huge amount of self sabotage unfortunately.

[35andnewlife]

I love this thread!!

I am the oldest.

I am a girl.

I got scolded growing up if I was not sympathetic to anyone else in the family's emotions. But it is very clear now that I was not allowed to have any myself.

Even now, as I still struggle with them, I feel entirely expendable. If they don't need me as their emotional caretaker, I do not exist. That doesn't sound normal, does it??

[JustKat]

Even now, as I still struggle with them, I feel entirely expendable. If they don't need me as their emotional caretaker, I do not exist.

My Nmother announced right in front of me that I was expendable.

I was at the house one day when my younger GC brother was learning to drive. Nmother cautioned him to be careful, and when he rolled his eyes, she said very loudly (with me right there) that she didn't care if I was killed in a car accident because she had two girls, but she only had one son and couldn't replace him. My brother was about 17 at the time, old enough to know how wrong that was, but completely shrugged it off. All I can guess is that it was so commonplace for her to say that type of thing that it just didn't faze him. Or maybe he inherited her lack of empathy. I just don't know.

I do often wonder if I was truly expendable to her. When I went NC she went to great lengths to hoover me back in. She did need me for her narc supply. But, in her own words, she had a back-up daughter she could use, so who knows.

[Dolly Me]

My brother is 11 years younger than I. He has always been the GC, although he does nothing for my mother. Me, the SG, she has used me over and over again, has two sets of rules, one for me, another for him. I finally had enough when she called me "Useless" and I should F myself, on Christmas Eve no less...all because she is hard of hearing and I suggested that she have her hearing checked. So, this was at her house, I picked up my purse, didn't say a word, and left. Haven't spoken to her for 8 years and I never will again. This is not the first time I went NC, another time it was 9 years, when my husband said to me "Make a choice, it is her or me". I chose him, after he died I went back with her, big mistake on my part.

[JustKat]

My brother is 11 years younger than I. He has always been the GC, although he does nothing for my mother. Me, the SG, she has used me over and over again, has two sets of rules, one for me, another for him.

That's exactly how it was for me. There does seem to be a pattern with the GC coming along several years later and often being a male child.

In my family, the three of us were born in the 1960s, which may have had something to do with it. It was a time when men went to college and had careers while women got married and had babies. My NM just didn't didn't want daughters. The day my brother was born she was telling people he was going to be a doctor. I think he became the instant GC because she thought she could mold him into what she wanted .... a doctor with wealth and status who would give her the lifestyle she wanted. It backfired badly. GC bro was so used to being doted on that he dropped out of college and got a crappy job, knowing his parents would keep coddling him and supporting him (which they did for years). I paid for my own college and had a more successful career, something my Nmother was never able to live with.