Keeping it light and my "aha" realization

[NotFooledAnymore]

I've been away from this forum for quite awhile because we have been enjoying a mostly peaceful NC to VVLC with my NMIL for almost 2 1/2 years! It was extremely rough the first year, lots of introspection and insecurity on my part. I've never had such a falling out with someone and especially not with family members but it was a long time coming.

Over that period, I realized that absolutely nothing I do will "win/earn" the approval of my MIL. No attempts to discuss issues with her will ever, ever lead to a positive outcome or resolution. I could bend over backwards and be the sweetest, most attentive DIL in the world and she'd still not like me and tell her friends (and other relatives) lies about me. But, in these realizations I also felt set free! I no longer have to try with her. I can be kind but cool, conversational but not "chatty". It's okay for there to be silence in the room and when we do talk, keep it light (discuss books we've read, shows or movies we watch, the weather).

I also realized that my desire to let her know how much she's hurt me in the past is truly only fuel for her. She will know that I'm still vulnerable and affected in that area and she will use it against me when she sees the opportunity. So the best thing I can do is NOT tell her how she's hurt me but take steps to protect myself in the future.

My husband and I both agree that we will always love NMIL unconditionally but the depth of that relationship IS conditional. She no longer has our trust, so she no longer gets to see beyond the surface of our lives. When I keep this in mind, I have a much healthier perspective.

I read the following somewhere and it's the best thing I've read on dealing with someone with NPD. I wish I could remember where I found this but I wanted to share with others in case it helps:

Accepting a Narcissist for who they are means:

1. You understand the full reality of the situation.
2. It means you stop holding on to the fantasy that things are just going to magically change and this person's suddenly going to understand or care how you feel. The chances of that happening are EXTREMELY low.

It's generally not even worth entertaining the idea that that might happen.

Once you accept the reality of the person you're dealing with and let go of your fantasy of them, the interaction becomes a lot less painful.

Their behavior probably won't change but your susceptibility to it will. They're only able to hurt you because you want and expect them to care! You desire them to care and you suffer because they don't.

Addressing this is taking the first step toward taking the power over your feelings back to yourself which is where it belongs.

The ONLY way to SUCCESSFULLY deal with a narcissist is to STOP REACTING.

Pushing people's buttons is probably their biggest weapon and in order to neutralize it, you have to stop getting upset. This can be very difficult. But, nothing worthwhile ever came easily.

[11JB68]

Not fooled, I agree with this, and outs nicely put.
While it doesn't solve things it definitely helps. I've been using mc and avoiding jadeing and the drama, abuse, stress, anxiety are way down.

[BettyGray]

NotFooledAnymore,
Sounds like you and DH are making progress, if painfully. Growth only comes with pain, as much as that stinks, it is true.

Narcissistic people know their power and are exceptionally adept at finding and exploiting weaknesses in other people. Showing any vulnerability is like offering crack to an addict. It is what they live for.

Honest, trusting people are the preferred prey. They pretend to care or support you, long enough to gain your trust. Then they turn on you. If you fight back, they get nasty. It is hard for a normal, caring person to wrap their head around how a person- especially a parent- can be so deceptive and cruel. Until we know they are narcissistic. We treat them the same way as everyone else - giving them the benefit of the doubt, trying to "understand" them, deem them worthy of energy.

Coming Out of the FOG is a revelation. But even once we "get it" on paper, figure out their M.O. and notice the behavior in real time, we still struggle to find a way to deal with them effectively. I was VLC with my NMom for 20 years. I though I had the upper hand, using MC and keeping it light/superficial. I thought it protected me. But I was still emotionally invested- she was my mom mother after all. I had been in therapy on and off for 2 decades. I knew she was a narcissist. But she still had her hooks in me. I still got upset before and after talking/visiting. Something wasn't working.

Long story short, I went NC shortly after finally admitting to myself that she would never change, and my sole purpose was to be a pawn and scapegoat. Someone to be manipulated. When confronted, she became nasty in cleverly covert ways.

NC gave me power. No reaction is really what drives them nuts. They don't understand why their methods don't work on us. And they certainly will never accept NC. So they keep trying to contact.

If you find MC and keeping it light helpful, great! I never understood the concept of "detachment" because even if I kept it light, it was still an effort. It was still affecting me emotionally and taking a decent amount of energy.

It was with my MIL that I finally came to understand detachment. She is somewhere in between Dependent PD and mild narcissistic PD. After 20 years of marriage  (and ironically, on my 20th anniversary), it began to feel like a concept I could understand. NC isn't a possibility. She has more good qualities than bad, and truly loves her sons, however codependently or dysfunctionally. She isnt cruel or evil like my mom. Just extremely insecure, needy and entitled.

Not sure exactly what it was that made stop being so affected by her nonsense. She created a big self-pity dramafest on our 20th anniversary. Something in me snapped. I confronted her and came out feeling more confident than ever. And suddenly It just didn't get to me anymore. It was different than with my mom - I had to "act" strong and detached in her presence. With MIL I just figured out not to give into her tantrums- she backed down a bit. I didn't ignore them to "keep the peace." I played my hand masterfully so that she backed down.  I think she has finally figured out that I will confront her and she is scared of it. DH also made it very clear that if she lashes out at me, she will see us and hear from us much less often.

I guess all the rambling here is just to say you're on the right track. You have learned where you have power and how to apply it. In reality, is extremely difficult to "stop letting it get to you." The proportion of how much you care is usually equal to how much you are affected.

Detachment is a process. And it can't be forced or decided upon. It happens over time and through experience. In time you and DH will be old pros at it.

[NotFooledAnymore]

Hi Liz1018,

"Narcissistic people know their power and are exceptionally adept at finding and exploiting weaknesses in other people. Showing any vulnerability is like offering crack to an addict. It is what they live for."

That statement right there is everything! Yes! You are so right and it only took me 20 years to truly realize this. That in itself is what is helping me react less, though I must admit we live on the opposite side of the country from her and have only seen her once, briefly, in the last 2 1/2 years.

We were essentially NC with her for almost a year after the big blowup that involved her and her sister accusing me of being abusive (and my husband an enabler) at my father's funeral of all places. It was completely out of left field but I think the catalyst was me calling my NMIL out on all her lies and manipulations. I had had enough of her controlling, sneaky ways and let her know that it wasn't okay, especially when she lied to my kids.

The NC was hard at first. I wanted answers and vindication but with time (a lot of time) I finally simmered down and now know that NC was that best thing for us. We are now VLC. We chat on birthdays and holidays and don't really see her anymore. She did announce that she's coming to visit here soon....after 2+ years of not seeing each other, so I have a ton of anxiety about it. However, I've set boundaries for myself and my interactions with her and I'm actually looking forward to trying it out.

Thank you so much for your insights and for sharing! You made some great points!

[Consumed]

NotFooledAnymore I love the way you have articulated this and I couldn't agree more. I wanted to ask that with the knowledge that no matter what you do, the individual with NPD will never change their behaviour, is there not a point where you feel that life is too short to have someone like this be part of it? I see that for yourself you rarely see your NMIL. I see mine every other month (for my husbands sake) which produces a ton of anxiety and some uncomfortable feelings. It makes me question why I am putting myself through the anxiety and horrible feelings for someone who will never ever change. What is the benefit for me having them be a part of my life besides keeping my husband happy? And why does me tolerating someone like this even make him happy?