Cried all Day at Court Today

[SeaGlass]

Soon to be ubpd ex husband and I had our first court hearing today for temporary orders. When I arrived at court and saw my lawyer I broke down crying, recovered, and pulled it together.

Husband arrived late with lawyer and under disclosed how much he makes on his financial statement. Through his lawyer he wanted to know if I would hold off in the divorce until youngest graduates college. That would be in about 4 years. We are still living together until our house is sold. I said no, and then he requested that we sell our house in the spring during a better market. I said no, I wanted to list asap.

He has not spoken to me since he was served in mid September, and already had a continuance for our initial court date, as he didn't have his financial statement together.

Still as typical, unprepared, and self centered as I found his behavior today I found myself crying every 15 minutes. Even when we entered the courtroom I cried. My lawyer said that I could back out as we were entering at anytime, as nothing was written in stone yet. Thank goodness I held it barely together to answer the judge.

What is wrong with me? Trauma bonding? Codependency? Low self esteem? I kept wanting to tell the "old" husband of mine that I was scared and that I needed him to help me. Meanwhile what I actually did while I was there was avoid him at all costs. Unable to look at him, and waited in the ladies room after court until he left the building before I would leave.

[SerenityCat]

 

Compassion and support sent your way.

Nothing is wrong with you. You did great.

Your emotions are totally understandable.

Tears can flow because of stress, grief, relief, and more. I hope that you have some ways to relax and unwind now. And to celebrate. Tears may come unexpectedly still, but maybe also some laughter, some sighs of relief, and even occasional laughter at something funny.

[Spygirl]

It will be ok. Perhaps you are in a place to really start grieving the death of the relationship. At some point, it hits home that it is really happening. All that bottled up stuff starts coming out, because it can.

I am sorry, it is a hard time. It will get better as the days pass. We understand.

[1footouttadefog]

I can imagine I would cry intermittantly as well.

There is alot you are processing and not it's more real than ever. 

Be kind to yourself and let the years flow as needed.

[Kat54]

Its OK, its all normal feelings.  Every time my ex and I went to court we stood in the hallway where we couldn't see each other. Felt like I was the one mostly who was hiding. And when it was over I would run out so fast to my car avoiding him at all costs. 

Unprepared and delaying is exactly what my ex did. Two years later and a lot of money getting him to do things. Keep it in court so it will move along. I finally had to have a judge oversee the case, and now he owes me money back for legal fees.

Hang in there, its a long road and don't let him delay anything, its all self serving to him.

[Wandering soul]

Seaglass,

Sending strength your way. It sounds like a part of you is sticking to YOUR needs (not waiting to divorce, not waiting to sell the house) these are VICTORIES for you!!

I find when I let myself be sad, it doesn't last as long. Death of what was, what could of been, dreams, hopes... it is a grieving process.
I have also shed plenty of tears of fear of the future, which very quickly goes away when I acknowledge it. I fear my PRESENT more than any unknown future. I honestly have then started to cry tears of joy, as I am empowered by the change I am creating in my life.

CODA is a group for codependents. I recently started going and it really has helped me to hear other people that have had struggles with unhealthy relationships.

My therapist suggested I may be experiencing Stockholm Syndrome. Acknowledging how much I put HIS well being before mine, has really helped me shift back to me. I can feel bad for his dark inner world all day. That doesn't mean I have to try to connect to it.

I hope the light of a new day has blessed you with the warmth to love yourself. You are AMAZING!

[Boat Babe]

 

[SeaGlass]

Thank you everyone so much for your kind words and encouragement. I am so emotionally exhausted from yesterday.

Something that kept coming to mind when replaying the day over and over again in my head was a movie that my husband wanted me to watch when we were early on in our marriage before we had children.

The movie was "Sophie's Choice". It was about a Jewish mother in Nazi Germany that was forced to make a split second choice as to which of her two children she would send to die, and which she would save. I remember thinking, even before I was a mother, that that was the cruelest thing to have someone do. I wasn't sure that I would ever be able to choose if I had been put in that situation. She did choose though.

I understand that my decision is not near the magnitude of the character's in the movie, but my heart hurts like it is. The pain is deep and a choice that runs deep is there. My choice is between my husband and my children. I have to choose my children and their wellbeing and future, and leave my husband behind. My heart aches even saying that, because I want to choose him too. I know that I can't do both though. I have tried, and I have seen his parents play out this exact scenario. I do not want that for my children, and for their children.

I know in my heart that the man that I married would agree with this choice. He would tell me to choose the children. He is just to sick to see that now, and chooses to not trust me and get better.

[hhaw]

SeaGlass:

Does your husband have a diagnosis or mental disorder you're aware of?

If not, maybe he was never the man you thought you married.  Maybe that man never existed at all?

In any case, I agree you have to choose your children, and model something better for them while you still have the chance.

I wish I had time to read your entire thread, but will just say that a good therapist for the kids is a wise thing to put in place.

If you don't tell your stbx, maybe he can't fork it up while you put it in place, and make it the status quo.   Judges like to keep the status quo in place, IME.  Disordered parents like to fork up the Therapy, the therapist,  and the kids ability to get that kind of help, so.... give it some thought, bc this ongoing adult conflict, and relationship with an abusive father is going to be emotionally costly. 

I do believe staying would be costlier to the children's mental health.  At least you can  be a safe, consistent, rational parent for the kids to go to. 

Also, it's difficult to stand alone in a court system that's designed to march you  back into an abusive marriage,  ime.  I wish I'd had someone there with me, helping me remain strong when even my own attorney was herding me into a reconcilliation agreement to settle the money stuff, KNOWING I'd file again later.   It was too costly emotionally, AND IT undermined my position that I was in danger.  I remember another attorney sneery at me that I was whoring myself to get a money settlement... and honestly...  I'd agreed bc my attorney threatened me that he'd abandone me and tell everyone I'd refused to follow his advice... even though he said he'd hang in with me until I was divorced.  He lied, and there I was.... I'd paid him 25K and he was going to abandone me?!?!  I would have been better off letting him go,  and forcing the trial to go forward, which is where we were..... at trial, about 2 hours into it, with the Judge's eyes rolling around in his incompetent head like gumballs, completely over his head, and confused by the numbers involved. 

You should perhaps seek out an advocate from the domestic violence groups in your area.  I know it can be done,  bc abusers seek them out, and get them to show up in court for them. 

For some reason it's difficult to ask for help, IME. 

Make a good plan with your attorney, and find supporters to help you through this terrible time.  Get a good trauma therapist for yourself if you  can find and afford one.   NOW is the time to learn how to handle the stress, bc things layer up, and you body forgets how to feel normal.... you build brain and body pathways that become default settings, and finding your way out of that is much more difficult. You don't have to suffer and fear so deeply through this divorce.  Worrying and worrying and worrying is a coping strategy we utilize when we're in fight or flight mode, which is where we live in times like this, IME. 

Learning to do everything we posibly can, then give up expectations.... is a learned coping strategy that improves our quality of life, teaches our children to do the same, and is easier to put in place BEFORE you've been in divorce court for 18mo or 2 years... which is likely with a disordered abuser.  They hang on.   They pretend to settle.  They waste your time and resources, then choose to go to trial anyway,  which most of us fear terribly.  The expense, time away from our children doing trial prep, and IN the courtroom.... and thinking we can settle, only to have our hopes of that dashed by the stbx is terribly demoralizing in ways that take a toll on mental and physcial health. 

You need to be the very best you, and the very best you should learn how to turn your fight or flight reptilian brain OFF so you can enlist your frontal lobe brain, which gives you access to logic, creativity, and problem solving skills.  Now, more than ever in your life, you should have access to your ability to solve problems, IME.

A good trauma therapist can help you with that.  If you can't afford a good Trauma T you can research codependence by Pia Melody, and how to breath, and engage your parasympathetic nervous system, which is located in your torso, and responsible for shutting down your fight or flight sympathetic nervous system.  There are tricks to doing that, and you'll be so far ahead of the game, healing, modeling healthy boundaries AND the ability to regulate your emotions for your children, which is so imporatnt,  IME.

You're kids have to deal with their father the rest of their lives, likely.  The best thing you can do for them is prepare them for that, help them become more resilient, and develop coping strategies that will serve them well their entire lives.

Good luck, and don't be afraid to ask for help.  There won't be a lot of people who understand your situation, but you'll know them when you find them.  Don't waste your time speaking to people who "don't get it"... just release them with compassion, and know they can't do any better.  Don't try to convince them.

When telling your story, tell it without expectation.  Stick to facts you can prove, and keep your evidence organized, and filed away.... keep your original documents and evidence in pristine condition,  bc you need clean copies for court.   You can't include documents that aren't "clean."

Don't panic if you've already screwed up originals...  you can white out, and copy again and again, until they're clean enough to use, but it's really a PITA, so make copies to mark up, and use a super bright yellow marker to do so, bc they don't copy well, and you do less damage with them.  I wish someone had told me this before my sister and i marked up all our documents with different color highlighters!  What a mess! 

Staying ahead on filing your evidence will also make your life better when it's time to go to court, bc you need to be steady while with your children, and for yourself.   Make a file with different subjects...
Child Safety Issues, like car seats and failure to employ them
Child medications, Judges despite parents who fail to communicate and work together on medications, bc kids die
Visitation
E mails
Texts
Notes, other evidence, etc.

If your PD crosses any physical line, or fails to comply with a protective order CALL THE POLICE AND REPORT IT, even if you simply file a Courtesy Report, and don't have him arrested.  Most victims of domestic violence fail to have their abusers arrested.... I failed, and I used to train police officers in Offensive Tactical Self Defense.  I should have known better, but I was in shock, and responsible for 2 little girls, and keeping our lives on track when I couldn't breath,  or eat, or think clearly.  I was in shock for months... years I think.  I didn't learn how to get out of it until 13 years after the first assault. 

Report.

Don't talk to the stbx...he's going to be bucking around emotionally in every direction, trying to get you to give him things that will weaken your case.  He'll promise you things... to give you an easy divorce if you just (insert something that seems easy, but will used to weaken your case or get it thrown out.)

Treat your stbx like a stranger, and be very professional.  Let your attorney do the talking.  Don't let the stbx get away with tossing the tv button at you hard...> REPORT IT, and have him arrested is my advice to you. 

They'll push and push and push and leverage your childrens' safety if they get away with anything.  Hold his feet to the fire.  Pretend the man you married is dead, if you have to.  Being kind to THIS man is sacrificing your safety, and that of your children.  Be professional. 

DO NOT FEAR COURT.  You will have documentation, the PD will have very little if anything, particularly IF you avoid being triggered BY HIM.  Don't let him make you so fearful or angry that you speak out, or cry, or do things that make you appear like the one with the mental disorder, bc the stbx will count on winding you up like a toy, and pointiong at you,  documenting it for all to see.

Just hold your face steady.  Pretend you're addressing children when speaking about your stbx.... be calm.  Keep what you say very poitned and SHORT.   Answer YES and NO, and give very short answers about just what you're talking about... give the hamburger, not the bun, or the condiments as my attorney used to say. 

It's easy to go down rabbit holes and anxiety when our children are at risk, and we're feeling at the mercy of the stbx, and the system, and what will happen to us.

Do not fear.  Center yourself.  You'll feel better once you get more and more distance from, the STBX, and he's going to do things you don'/t expect... escalating in unexpected ways... calling family and friends... playing the victim card.... saying he just wants a chance to be a good father and husband..... telling the kids mommy wants to break up the family, and hurt daddy...blah blah blah..... he'll break up your sleep patterns, and steal your evidence, so hide it, and never ever give him access to your home.  My stbx pd was supposed to be visiting the kids, and erased my computer evidence TWICE while an elderly friend was supposed to be supervising those visits. 

The stbx's will sabotage you financially, so get ahead of that.  They'll hold your cherished possessions hostage, so get what you can get safe, and forget the rest, IME.

You're in a place where you have no good options going forward.  Make peace with that, and focus on your mental health,a nd that of your children, bc in 5 and 10 years you're going to feel fallout from these times that you couldn't imagine, IME.

If you're proactive now... you can mitigate the harm.   That's your goal going forward, IME.  Limit the harm, choose the least harmful options, and don't mourn the loss of a man that never existed.  Your husband can't do any better.  If he could, he would.   He can't.

Now you have to be the good enough parent, and your own best advocate.  You have more power than you believe.  Commit to the divorce.  Figure out what your evidence is.  Formulate the theory of your divorce suit AROUND that evidence, and always always speak about your stbx with compassion, bc you will  be punished if you don't, IME.

That's a lot, and you can read other threads... older threads.. when you're ready for more information, but I wanted to just say it once... while you still have time to be careful.

Good luck, and I wish you the best possible outcome for you and your children,

[SeaGlass]

Hhaw, thank you so much for your reply. I believe my husband has borderline personality disorder, but he has not been diagnosed with it. He is the covert, waif type, so is always playing the victim.

Luckily my children are college age, as I waited until my youngest was 18, so there will be no custody issues. They do still live with us as they attend college. They want to continue living with me after we sell the house and divorce. The past 6 years have been tough on all of us, and since I filed my ubpd husband has been upping his passive aggressive behaviors. We're all at the end of our rope.

I met my husband when I was about my oldest child's age, and watched as his ubpd father and codependent mother interacted and how it all affected their adult children up until they passed away. I do not want this for my kids. As I see the same dynamics and patterns repeating themselves in our family.

I am going to look into some reading on codependency, as I really think I am struggling with it. My head knows what to do, but my heart hasn't caught up. My heart still feels the need to help and protect my husband, as if he is one of my children too!

Thank you again for your advice. I will also look into the strategies you suggested for me and my children. Everyone's stress level and anxiety are at an all time high, and I am scared for all of us.