Removing all reminders?

[Sidney37]

So I've been VLC since spring and NC for months.  As I look around my house, I'm realizing that I want to rid it of everything PD mother or grandmother (now deceased) gave me    Since some of these items came from grandmothers house (where I only visited with PDm) this includes furniture, family dishes, various birthday and Christmas gifts that are household items that I actually wanted at the time.  I want all of it out of my house.  DH wonders if I'll regret it later, and we don't really have space to store it,   Has anyone sold or donated everything that reminded them of PD parent and then regretted it?

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm there too, Sidney. A lot of what our Pd parents gave me was junk to begin with so that was easy enough. Stuff like handmade Christmas ornaments, etc. I am more than happy to trash, but DH feels I might regret it and he's not willing to spend the money to replace it all. So this year I put out only what I was okay with and left the offending items in a bin.  Which I expect to remain untouched for years. Christmas decorating would have been much simpler this year anyway since we had a baby close to Christmas. I went shopping the after Christmas sale at Michael's for some replacement decor. 

I also got rid of a lot of toys and books and clothes from the PD grandparents. DH wasn't too happy about the "waste" of perfectly good items, but the kids haven't even noticed. Just thanked me for tidying up for them! And I'll take the tax deduction, thanks. Our parents were both of the type that had no relationship with us but made a big deal of buying lots of presents, that were fine items in themselves, but mostly reflected the fact that they didn't actually know us at all.

I still have a few things floating around, but honestly it doesn't trigger me much. (An old rocking chair on the porch for example.) I'll replace it eventually. But the stuff that's left didn't have the same kind of angst attached. They were just using me as their personal Goodwill pickup, and I actually had a use for it, so whatever. No big deal. About as much emotion there as something I got on Craigslist, even if mother tried to put an emotional hook in it. ("I rocked you in that chair as a baby!" Whatever mom, we all know you're giving it to me because you don't have room for it. ) But the stuff that had a backstory/actual gift is all gone, if that makes sense.

Your parents may be the same way, but mine always commented on seeing me use or wear something from them in a way that programmed me to feel eternally indebted to them. So if I wore a sweater from my mother post-NC it would trigger self-doubt. How could I do this to them and still wear this sweater? I must be so ungrateful and selfish... The sweater would temporarily override all the abuse, which was its purpose in the first place. No need to literally put that on myself. I quickly never wore/used those items anymore, so may as well clear them out.

It's your stuff, and you have every right to get rid of it as it suits you. If you find sometime that man you really did wish you had kept that air fryer, you're only out a small appliance. That can be replaced. Your home feeling safe and free of triggering items is worth it in my opinion.

[helpneeded]

Yeah, if you're looking around your house, seeing objects and thinking about people you don't want to think about? I'd say get rid of those objects.

If you're worried about regretting it -- get rid of one or two things and then check in with yourself to see how you feel.

Another way to handle this might be to gather up all the things, and put them in storage if you have the space. Then revisit and get it all out of the house if you think that experiment went well.

But honestly, I think you're safe to just get rid of it all. Getting rid of stuff always feels really great to me. And it makes room for things you really want.

[M0009803]

I got rid of everything I had (it wasn't much though)

The best way to move forward is to create your own traditions with your FOC, which usually means ditching the stuff you had as a kid.  Put it into storage in the basement if you don't want to throw it away.

[Sidney37]

Thanks everyone.  Unfortunately items aren't kid stuff or trinkets.   Those items are gone.   I've removed family pictures from the walls.  Ornaments she gave me weren't hung on the tree. 

I think that's the problem.  It's major household items.  That's also the problem I think DH has.   It's a china cabinet (we'll need to replace it with one that's more our style and actually fits in our house.  I never liked this one but she insisted on giving it), family dishes passed down that we actually use, the flatware and drinking glasses that we use daily, all of the living room furniture but the sofa and chairs were in my mom's house or grandmother's house before my grandmother passed and my mom insisted I take it because she didn't want them, my stand mixer, slow cooker, mixing bowls, etc.   I want all of it out. 

DH questions the need to replace useful things just because PDm bought them or insisted that I take them.   I can't go in my living room or kitchen without being triggered.   Is selling everything the answer or is this something you have to learn to live with? 

[M0009803]

I don't think you need to get rid of everything right away (if the cost bothers your husband).

Go one big item at a time on a yearly basis if need be.  Donate the furniture as you replace it (or sell it if you want after all it is yours).

The problem with accepting "gifts" from PDs and keeping them (no matter how reasonable the gift may have been), is that it keeps you in their "this person owes me" mental column (and trust me on this they never forget this.  When they give a "gift" it is not for your benefit. It is for theirs).  I have experienced this many times over the years with my UPDm, which is why I stopped accepting any gifts (even things that were inherited and passed on generationally).

[WomanInterrupted]

I agree - if you're talking about large or expensive items, you can try replacing them a bit at a time, or you can modify and remake them in your own image. 

You can't do that with appliances, but you can do it to furniture - and you can do it rather inexpensively with paint, stain or even RIT dye.   

Most of the "valuable!"     antique furniture we inherit isn't valuable at all, so messing with the finish  isn't a big deal and it's usually not worth the cost of having pieces restored or conserved. (For example, putting $200 into a dining room chair to make the fair market value $225.) 

If you have stuffed furniture you like, but hate the patterns and the PD connections, you can teach yourself to reupholster.      It's SUPER easy and you won't be triggered when you look at your sofa - you'll think, "Damn!  That's sweeeeeeeet!" 

If you're not into reworking pieces, I suggest going to the Goodwill, Salvation Army, Habitat for Humanity store or Amvets and start looking for replacement pieces *before* you get rid of anything - *but* that will mean having a temporary storage space ready, such as the garage.   

You might get lucky, right off the bat, or it might take a few weeks, but you'll probably be a lot more motivated to get the old stuff out once you have something to put in its place - and then you'll be eager to donate the stuff you don't want. 

As far as appliances go, you can either learn to live with them or donate them and buy new, one at a time - or find a used appliance store  and go that route.  You may pay $200 for a fridge, and it may last a couple of years, but you'll have time to save up for a new one.

If it's a washer or dryer, I wouldn't stress and I'd probably just keep them - laundry isn't as personal as food storage and prep (the stove/range and refrigerator).

As far as household items, dishes, bric-a-brac and whatnot, that you're not sure about, this is what I did:  I bought a bunch of boxes from Uhaul and packed them with the stuff I didn't want, then put them on the front porch  for about 6 months, just to be sure.

After six months, my DH said, "Do you want me to take those boxes to the Goodwill?"

I thought about it a moment - unBPD Didi's china was in there, plus a lot of glassware we'd inherited (and didn't use), plus her "silver" and a  bunch of casseroles I'd liberated and thought I'd use, but just never did.

"G'head.  And thanks!" I told him, and that was that.  I haven't missed a single thing or regretted donating   it. 

As far as dishes go, again, you can replace them at a second-hand store, and you don't even have to conform  to a unified "set" of dishes - every single thing on your table can be mix-and-match, to best reflect your tastes. 

I forget where it was, but I saw a Thanksgiving table done up in that style - I think it was a set for 10 people, not a thing matched, but the colors all complimented each other and it looked fantastic.

That's another thing I discovered when I started purging our house:  I really do have good taste when it comes to aesthetics and design.   

I'd always been *told* I didn't, but I hadn't been encouraged or even allowed to explore.  We'd just had a bunch of beige stuff fobbed off on us ("You HAVE To take this!  It's an heirloom/in too good of shape to donate!" ), and were then laughed at  by our PD FOOs because our house was so damned beige and devoid of personality! 

Not anymore - all those PD "gifts" are either long-gone or have been given new lives, and our home is a comforting bubble of pleasant colors. 

Yours can be the same if you free yourself from all the stuff you didn't want. 

[moglow]

I have to second [third?] the above suggestions - replace when and as you can, or find something that suits *you*. I've started going with bring something in, take something out so I'm not overwhelmed with stuff. As you get the new item, quietly dispose of or donate the previous to an organization that can make use of it. Sell it if you feel like dealing with people trying to beat you down on price or incessant questions about delivery etc. So much of what was once valuable just isn't anymore. You'd have to shop around to find a market for items - maybe a flea market cubicle? But get it out of your space.

There are only a very few items connected with mommie dearest that are mine, and those are strictly by choice. She's offered any number of things that I accepted our of obligation over the years that went straight to the nearest donation site, some the nearest dumpster. She even asked about some later and I just evaded. Not her stuff anymore so- literally -NOT her stuff!! One I accepted with joy - a big rosewood jewelry box Daddy brought her from overseas when I was a child and inside it was a charm bracelet he'd had made for her [that I never saw her wear] with gold charms from all over the world. These were things that say Daddy to me and are treasured for that reason. Her connection to them was minor at best - she was just a conduit.

The other was a small wooden lift-top desk from the one house where I/we were happy. This desk sat in a bay window and I don't remember anyone ever actually using it. As we grew older, we weren't allowed to use it - we might "mess it up". So there it sat for years, in a corner. Anyhoo, several years ago mother was moving and mentioned that if I wanted the desk to let her know, she wouldn't have room for it. [more bullshit but whatev] From the day I brought it inside, it's been MY desk - okay honestly, I call it the fuck you desk, as in fuck you mommie dearest!! it's MY desk and I'll use it any time I like. I'm sitting here at it now, with my computer and journal, a few books and a pretty little lamp by the window.

Yeah I'm rambling but really, try a little Mari Kondo and start purging your home of things that take up space and don't bring you joy. If it makes you cringe, HELL YES, get it OUT!! You'll feel better for it.

[TwentyTwenty]

Agreeing with the others here, I also  got rid of everything. Fortunately, I only had 1 big furniture item, a small dining table and 4 chairs. Conveniently, we needed a newer nicer set anyway.

I also did a one time clean up if all photos, albums etc on my phone, and my wife took are of the rest.

[MiniWheat]

I want all of it out. 

I say get rid of it then, all of it. It's all just stuff, even the plates and china and furniture and appliances - and it's all easily replaceable in our society that is bursting at the seams with stuff. We've been shocked at what good quality stuff we've found at thrift stores, and also what we can find locally when we ask around.
I'm a very strong advocate for getting rid of the triggers and reminders, at least for the first few years while you try to disentangle from the foo and the fog. It's like grieving a death in the family for me, it's tough to have the reminders everywhere and in my opinion actually slows or blunts the healing journey.
In my case, like you, we had furniture etc from uPDm, we gave or sold some, and kept a couple things but stored them until 'ready' to bring them out again. We have kids and there were a few items my DW and I decided we wanted to keep and perhaps hand on to the next generation (our kids).

[Associate of Daniel]

I didn't get rid of everything at once and I'm glad.

I found over the years that every now and then I needed to purge some of the pd things from my house.  If I'd got rid of everything all at once I wouldn't have had stuff to purge when the next urge hit me.

Some stuff I boxed up and stored in the shed.  It felt good to have it out of sight but also to know that it was there to get rid of when I needed another cleansing from the pds.

Various kitchen items (mixing bowls, crockery etc) can often be bought cheaply at department stores or even op shops.  You might be able to afford them out of your weekly grocery money, one piece at a time.

I'm not sure how I'd feel about keeping the furniture, even if I restained/reapolstered it.  I might still think of it as being connected with the pds. I sold most of mine fairly quickly.  I needed money quickly when uNPD exH left and selling  big ticket items was a good way of getting it.

I understand the need to purge but I suggest doing it slowly.

Maybe start with stuff your husband won't notice or mind about too. Would he notice/care about mixing bowls being replaced for example?

AOD

[GettingOOTF]

I have never regretted getting rid of anything.

That said, it was a process for me. I started with the easy stuff and worked my way through it all. I do have a couple of things I'm still holding on to but they are no longer on display.

I became the "keeper" of the family stuff so I had a lot of it. It's been a process and I've posted a few threads over the years (!) I've been here.

Getting rid of stuff triggers even the healthiest of people. Friends and colleagues have very strange reactions when I say I'm getting rid of something. I've leaned not to discuss it before hand.

[Just Jay]

I have purged as described by OP, but over time. I haven't regretted anything, yet it does need to be a process. When you're NC, it's all you have left, so it feels a like throwing pieces of your life away for good.

[Mintstripes]

So I've been VLC since spring and NC for months.  As I look around my house, I'm realizing that I want to rid it of everything PD mother or grandmother (now deceased) gave me    Since some of these items came from grandmothers house (where I only visited with PDm) this includes furniture, family dishes, various birthday and Christmas gifts that are household items that I actually wanted at the time.  I want all of it out of my house.  DH wonders if I'll regret it later, and we don't really have space to store it,   Has anyone sold or donated everything that reminded them of PD parent and then regretted it?

I say do it. Clear your space of their negativity. Reclaim your life and home.

[Fiasco]

I don't know where you are in your marriage or financially but I've been married long enough that the gifts we give each other for birthdays, anniversary etc are by and large useless. Anything we really need (or really want!) we're fortunate to be able to just buy. If it works for you guys, suggest that a replacement (random appliance, whatever you feel triggered by) would be a gift that would really mean something to you. And find a charity to receive the perfectly good ones that reflects your values. The combination of receiving a gift that you find meaningful with giving to a charity you care about could make every holiday special for quite some time.

[doglady]

Yeah, I’ve purged pretty much all of it, as even looking at stuff they’ve given me winds me up and reminds me of them. Mind you, my parents are hoarders where as I have the tendency to get rid of lots of stuff, so I have probably over-corrected. 

[blues_cruise]

I think it's natural to eventually want to choose your own household items anyway rather than using other people's hand-me-downs. We had a fair amount of DH's grandmother's stuff (furniture, plates, etc.) and gradually replaced it over the years as we got the money and figured out our own sense of style. It's all part of individuation, which is a really positive thing. Individuation is something that being in contact with someone with a personality disorder can really stunt.

It is really cathartic once you start removing reminders. I had a fish tank for ages which uNF had given to me and I sold it a few years ago when I first started properly coming Out of the FOG. I'd never really wanted it and ultimately it was just him offloading his unwanted (not to mention unclean) junk on me. When I accepted it though it was almost an honour to have it, as in my old frame of mind it was a nice thing for him to do and some kind of validation that I must be an OK daughter if he was giving me gifts. It shows how distorted my thinking was though, since in reality when he had kept fish he had never cleaned the tank and had allowed all his fish to die because he actively chose to abandon them. Every time I looked at it I was reminded of this and felt horrible about it. I felt a lot of guilt at the time of selling it (several months after going no contact) but equally I knew that I had to start retraining my brain to think for myself and to clear out all negative triggers.

Perhaps you can start with small things first, such as the family dishes, so it's not a shock to the system for you or DH as the items get replaced. It can actually be a positive thing for you and DH to do together as you can gradually replace with lovely new things that you have both chosen. Change can be daunting (I wonder if your DH finds the idea of replacing so many familiar items overwhelming?) but it can be really therapeutic too.

[Oscen]

It's reasonable of your DH to wonder whether you'll regret it, but I'd say trust your instincts that you know what you need.
And trust in your nouse and resourcefulness, that there is no big mistake you can't rectify. It's only stuff, after all.

You might like the book "The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up" by Marie Kondo.
She talks about a process of consulting with yourself, following your instincts, and trusting that mistakes may be made but are a natural part of making change.
I used it to do a big clean out 5 years ago and it was a big shift in the way I thought about which possessions I keep in my environment and which aren't serving me so can move on.
It's been really positive and self-affirming.

Take your time to do it the way that makes sense for you, but take comfort in the knowledge that these possessions will soon be gone.
Being free, happy, and in control of your environment is worth more than any furniture for sure - and I'm sure DH will agree when he sees you happier.

You owe it to yourself. Good luck.

[Pepin]

No regrets at all.  Some items have been donated and some have been sold.  Some items have been smashed because they were not worthy of being donated or sold.  That felt so good.  I surround myself with things I choose and like.  Not their stuff.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Story time! My NBIL made us this bizarre “toy box”. It was such an awkward size. Tall enough that my very tall husband’s feet wouldn’t touch the floor when he sat on it. So a small child could never have reached to put toys in or out. The decorative pieces of wood in different stains were poorly joined so there was a possibility of getting splinters. The hinged lid wouldn’t open more than a few inches because of this other wooden piece emblazoned with our family name. And the thing weighed about 200 lbs. What a thoughtful gift! 

Well we kept that monster for years. Mostly down in the basement of death. But hauled it up when the family was due for their tour of judgment, I mean annual visit. We even moved it long distance when we relocated. The crazy things we do from FOG. 

After we’d gone NC we naturally wanted it gone. There was no way we could donate this thing. Not fair to Goodwill, since no one on earth could use this. Couldn’t even burn it there was so much shellac on it. (But not enough to get all the splinters. ) I thought about taking an axe to it in the style of the final scene of Office Space, but didn’t want to freak out the neighbors. And I wasn’t giving it the dignity of putting in that kind of effort.

In the end we dragged it to the curb on big stuff trash day. DH and I hid and giggled like children at the trash men swearing about the weight of it. They shoved it in the back of the truck. As it drove away, the compacter came down on top of it and splintered our family name, then the damn lid popped open. Like it should have in the first place. And then the whole thing was simply gone, smashed and out of sight. It was one of the more satisfying moments of my life.