mediation for parenting agreement

[sevenyears]

Friday,  I met one on one with the new mediation team. Mediation here in custody disputes tends to be conducted by a team: one lawyer/mediator and one psychologist mediator. At our last court session, I offered to accept the 50/50 parenting schedule (that uocupd xh wants), and that I want some legal rights (Sorry, I don't know the term in English). Uocpd xh of course, wants everything. So at the last settlement hearing, my lawyer proposed that we try to sort this out in mediation in stead of going in circles in a settlement hearing in front of the judge. My current L doesn't understand how traumatic mediation is for me after the 9 months of it before I finally filed for divorce and custody. I agreed to try mediation again since the judge has so far mostly decided things in his favor.

Our mediators wanted to meet with each of us individually first in order to get a sense of the problems. Both mediators understood my predicament. The L/mediator summed it up. If, in the beginning, before filing, I had called in the police, etc, I might have been successful in proving Uocpd xh is a problem. But, I also risked loosing everything, including my children since a judge could award him custody or at least the primary residence. She also said that my safe approach is also counter productive since it undermines my argument that Uocpd xh is the problem. So, I don't look credible to the court. That's what I have surmised all along. The P/mediator really pushed my triggers, I ended up in tears. Probably, I appeared pretty unhinged. He told me that I am involved in a power struggle with Uocpd xh over irrelevant things (I don't think the legal rights are irrelevant), and that I "can't move a two ton boulder." When I asked the P/mediator what he would advise, he only said that he wants to help us find an agreement that meets both our needs, and that I should get myself into therapy. Well, I've been trying to find that agreement, but with a PD, its nearly impossible, since PD is out to win. He will only be satisfied if he has more parenting time, and all the legal rights. I would love to get therapy, but that just plays into Uocpd xh case that I am unfit and overwhelmed (and unhinged.).

We're supposed to meet on Friday all together: the two mediators, me and Uocpd xh. I don't know what to expect or to do. I will talk to my L tomorrow, but don't expect much from her. I don't know what I'm asking, or even if I'm asking you anything. I wanted to lay out some of my thoughts to help me get them clear.

Oh, and by the way, DS4 told me two nights in a row that he has bad dreams about "daddy" moving away without telling him. I told him I doubt daddy would do that since he loves him. (and, bit my tongue instead of saying that it was daddy who refused to let DS and I spend time alone together for months on end). Tomorrow I will ask him if he's told Uocpd xh about his dream and what daddy says. 

[athene1399]

I don't think your legal rights are irrelevant. If you want to be a part of major parenting decision, like what doctor to use, where the kids go to school, etc, I don't see that as irrelevant. Maybe try to push for equal rights, like both parents have to agree. However, that may cause a lot of issues/stress trying to get your xh to agree on things. But if you ask for equal power that may prove to the p/mediator that you don't want more power than your xh, just equal power.

She also said that my safe approach is also counter productive since it undermines my argument that Uocpd xh is the problem.

SO's L said something similar to him. Instead of putting his foot down over his parenting time, he was allowing SD to spend more time with BM. The L said "how can you say you feel BM is unstable, yet you allow SD to spend more time with her?" So SO started telling SD that she had to be with him for his parenting time. That caused a lot of drama. BM started refusing and threatening to call the cops. So it wasn't easy.

I can't offer advice really because SO never did mediation. And he really only won in court becasue BM self-sabotages herself last minute. He became the custodial guardian (the one with legal power) over BM becasue she stopped showing up to court because she was in rehab. The second time BM took us to court, she checked herself into a psych ward. We were having a difficult time proving SO's case until this things happened. No one wanted to listen about how unstable we thought BM was and it was near impossible to prove. It gets so frustrating feeling like the lawyers, judges, and mediators don't care. Part of the issue is how the system is set up.

I also wanted to add that lots of people go to therapy. It doesn't mean you are unstable. IMO it means that you know when to ask for help and that self-care is important to you. If you are afraid it will look like you are unstable, talk to your L to be sure. See what he/she says about it.