OCDP Life with the Bridge Princess

[Haiiro Ishi]

Hello everyone. I hope it is alright if I use this thread as a way to record my experiences with my OCPD wife.

As I wrote in my introduction she becomes very angry and threatens me with divorce over minor things.

This morning while she was putting on her make up I was doing the chores and watching our daughter. She was moaning about divorcing again because I am "just too stupid". I was grey rocking her but I was also curious about what had set her off this time. I did three things wrong apparently.

1 I incorrectly ate my food with chop sticks rather than a spoon last night.

2 I folded the towels and took them to the bathroom 2 at a time. Which is inefficient I know, but I did it so my child wouldn't throw them all around when my back was turned.

3 I left a bit of milk in the bottom of a carton and put it back in the fridge. This was because I made coffee but my cup was full and I naturally wanted to save the milk for later.

For these small three things our daughter and I had to endure two hours of grumpy childish behaviour. Later when we both came home from work I made the traditional forced formal apology. She is a sucker for formal apologies, its a cultural thing.

This kind of incident happens on a daily basis. I won't let it get to me though. Who knows what will happen tomorrow!

[Starboard Song]

I am so sorry.

I hope you've jumped right in to our Toolbox, seeing Dos and Do Nots, and tactics to help manage this situation. It sounds like you're already somewhat detached from it, rather than stewing deeply in it. That's good.

Be strong!

[Haiiro Ishi]

Be strong!

Dear Starboard Song. Thank you very much for your reply. I have read a lot of the toolbox, and it has been very helpful for identifying her behaviors. I try to stay positive about things, and keep my sense of humor. Being able to laugh about your situation, however terrible means it cannot consume you. It allows you to stand outside of it, and not control you.

Just an update to document her behavior.

Last weekend was a tough one. She got very angry after I did the washing up, and put the chopping board a little too far off the draining board. So the board dripped a bit of water on a box of tissues. If I was her, I would have just moved it without saying anything. But she got so angry about it. So much so that I began questioning myself. She doesn't shout much, but the words she uses are so horrible, and she pretty much shakes with anger. I wonder if someday she will become more physical, because it seems like she does not have the ability to control herself. She has a real thing about water. From her way of thinking, it's intrinsically dirty, there should be no water droplets left anywhere. Because of this, I'm now super paranoid about water droplets.

I set her off again on Saturday when I bought a gift for my friend. I didn't really make a plan so I forgot to buy gift wrapping. She hates it when I don't think everything through, and just do things as I go along. This seems to be a cultural difference, because I prefer doing things that way. But her reaction was extreme, saying she couldn't stand how stupid I was, and how I didn't really care about my friends if this is how I acted. She even bought up her birthday to complain about the cake I bought her and the decorations I put up. Yes I did it in a rush, but from my point of view one should never complain about a gift like that. In fact she even controls what gift I give her, telling me exactly what to buy. What fun is there in that? She told me to order a cake in advance and "properly prepare" her birthday next year. That's fine. I didn't feel like buying her a cake and presents this year because of how she has been treating me.  But now I know I have set aside money to throw her a nice party because the consequences are too big not to. Half of the reason I couldn't properly prepare is because she doesn't let me leave the house at weekends so I can't possibly be expected to get anything done. Of courses this is a traditional kind of trap that someone with a personality disorder would set.

We were all on edge all weekend, and she threatened me with divorce multiple times. My daughter struggled to sleep because my wife insists on berating me in front of her, even though it's clearly scary for our child. She kept telling me I should go back to my home country and everyone would be happier that way. It sounded like a typical thing a racist would say. I hate it when she says stuff like that because it shows how little she respects the relationship between me and my daughter. Maybe my daughter would appreciate not having to see arguments, but then she'd be alone without anyone to support her through what I know is going to be a difficult relationship with her mum.

We got through the weekend with our marriage intact though. I'm grateful to my mother in law, because surprisingly, she always stands up for me. My wife often calls her mum to tell her what I have been doing "wrong". I think her mum is fed up with these kind of phone calls. Her mum knows I'm a bit clumsy and don't have much common sense but I'm not the terrible husband her daughter makes me out to be. She also respects me being a vegetarian as well, and never feeds me meat or fish. I think it's because she respects my parents more than my wife does.

This week has been ok, I've been keeping my head down. Last night she said, "I've been very nice to you today.", as if I should be grateful. Well to be honest she hadn't been that nice really, in particular she forced me to eat meat a bunch of times. It's been a tough experience eating something that repulses me, but its made me stronger. I realized that I can do it.

Here's hoping that this weekend is better.