Possible ways to decline Holiday visit invitation

[D.]

So I got a dramatic (poor me, masks aren't necessary, love you, miss you, blah blah) email invitation to visit from enabling uPDm.  Husband and I plan not to go.  This is the first time I decline an invitation in many years as I am gradually limiting contact, getting healthier.   But what are some ways to decline?  It feels like how ever I communicate, and in whatever way that it will be unpleasant for me...I had thought to just communicate through group text/email.  She is worse when it's just she and I communicating.  Or at least I feel more triggered.  The last time I was at parents home uPDF was abusive towards her.  But, it's all been forgotten and we're pretending everything is fine...

I've read a lot on the tools here, but trying to make it work in my own circumstance is a work in process...

It seems that no matter how I say "no" that her response to my response will be painful for me and it could range from ignoring, to whiny, to kind of a know it all "I already figured that out" kind of response.  I don't know.  So what are some ideas on how to say no?  Then how to handle the response?  One thought is to treat this as another "test" of her incapacity to respect my boundaries...

Depending on how things go I may, or may not, be interested in trying a December visit...

The more I simply kick abusive, PD parents out of my brain and life the better I feel...

[Jolie40]

the virus will be around for a while until most get vaccinated
email everyone wishing them "Happy Thanksgiving" and then one @Christmas with:

"sorry, won't be attending as don't want to risk getting sick"

if any arguments, just repeat above sentence as many times as needed
eventually, they'll hear what you're saying

[Hepatica]

I think what Jolie40 says is perfect.

Make it a generic email or send out a few holiday cards with the message about staying put due to Covid and stand by it. Don't budge on this. It makes sense. Staying home over these holidays is the best thing to do for everyone until the vaccine is distributed. There is no need to JADE. Let your mother and father learn to handle disappointment. It is not your job to take care of their feelings. The responsible thing to do is stay home. If your parents react badly to this, this is merely information to note. Observe it and don't take it personally.

[D.]

I love it.  Find a mantra and repeat it.  What about not giving a reason?  Although this year one reason is COVID...  The other reason is cause I just don't want to go.  I guess I can cross that bridge when it happens, as far as the ending of COVID.   And wow, really a great reminder that it's not my job to help them cope w/disappointment.  They need to deal w/that without me.  Just let it be.  And focus on me and my FOC.

[Andeza]

Sorry, we already have plans, enjoy your Thanksgiving!

End. No explanation necessary, and it just so happens your plans are to stay home with your FOC. She doesn't need to know that though. 

[sandpiper]

I always liked the saying that No is a complete sentence. The trouble being that PDs refuse to hear it. The other one is that you can just say 'No, I don't feel like it,' and then let them rant and demand to know why and at that point you can say 'Well, this is why, because it turns into such a huge drama.'
I have taken to saying No to PDs with 'Thanks for thinking of me but I have other plans.' If they press you as to what, you don't have to answer. I used to be very vague and say that we were doing things with friends and we were expecting visitors that we hadn't seen for a long time & I wasn't sure of the dates they would be arriving. Friends from Out of Town who they have never heard of are useful. Be vague about the details. I got a lot from the advice here that 'your crisis is not my emergency' and always take a week to respond to any communication. Set some boundaries about how often you contact them so that they can't pull you onto the rollercoaster of drama during the holiday season. It takes ages but you can train them into accepting that you will contact them once a week/month etc.
The trick is just to become very, very boring. Don't provide details. Don't make excuses. Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain).
Try to be pleasant about it. Don't fawn or placate. The turd sandwich is a good strategy. Say something pleasant, neutral and agreeable. Insert boundary that they are likely to get stinky about. Close with good wishes. This usually confuses them as most of the time they are just trying to bait you into getting involved in some sort of conflict and when you do it like this, it thwarts their efforts to troll and start a fight.

[D.]

Well, I wanted to get the message out to PD parents and decided to blame COVID since really we shouldn't gather in our area anyway.  It is a part of the truth. 

I feel a bit like a scientist trying out ways to set boundaries and then figure out what worked best.  I really appreciate the ideas here as it helps me think about options and find what works in my unique situation.  Everyone here is speaking from experience of what works and that is so valuable.  I am quite grateful.

uPDeM response to my communication was that she "approved" of my decision due to COVID...which just felt weird for me since that is not my main reason.  Then there was a comment that was a total miss on sibling cues for gatherings.  Then a request for Zoom/phone call...ugh... 
So...all of the communication felt bad for me...on the other hand, it wasn't an aggressive or mean communication.  Just a total miss on everything.  I mean my poor sibling who says over and over and over that food is not the preferred purpose of gathering... 

Saying "no, I have plans" or "I'm busy", like sleeping, walking, or anything else, feels somewhat ok I suspect that won't work either.  I will get a wrong assumption, like that it must be "work" or whatever.

I am now leaning towards a simple no for future invitations.  However, I know the challenge there will be she will not accept no without an explanation, and will keep asking.  So I will keep saying no. no. no. no.  But it tires me.

I suppose me ignoring invitations will be appropriate.  After all, I've been ignored all my life.  Everytime I said I was abused or hurt I was ignored.  Topic changed, phone hung up, visit ended. 

So, now, or soon, I suspect no and/or ignoring an invitation will be my response.  That was the case for me when I when I was symptomatic w/C-PTSD in order to feel best.  I didn't realize then that the "healthier" or "asymptomatic" me would need the same amount of limited contact with my parents. 

The irony is that the more of an attempt to engage me by uPDeM, the more I observe my own discomfort, and the more I pull away.  I am coming to accept that at some point this will turn into VVVVLC and it is just sad.  Perhaps I shouldn't focus so much on the future or the past.  Just sit w/the present.  But doing this work of detachment really gets me thinking about future options w/PD parents and those options get smaller, and smaller, and smaller.

On the other hand, my future hopes get better and better.

Thank you whoever might have taken the time to go down this tunnel of thought w/me.  And I totally get it if not!  There is much to be read and learned here on these boards.

[moglow]

Years ago I started volunteering at a large local Thanksgiving dinner. Built in unavailability going forward. I never mentioned when I stopped, just started joining a friend's family. Mother makes a token invitation but "I have plans for the holidays, thanks" and i don't push it further. Holidays may be a time for families and gatherings and i might gather - just not with her. Mother's unspoken demands (and thereby unmet, disappointments) are more than I'm willing to participate in.

She still tries a token invitation but no thanks. I have plans. Stick with that and change the subject. When she pushes -and she likely will- dont be afraid to show your exasperation and annoyance. You get it. Maybe it's time she did as well, that you've built a life outside her. Asking the same question repeatedly (albeit in different ways) doesn't provide a different answer. It just annoys the hell out of people and make them retreat further. Apparently she doesn't get that either.

[sandpiper]

I've found that responding with a question to their invasive questions can help to shut them down.
If they want to know who you are spending the holidays with then you could say 'You don't know them mother, and I don't like talking about people behind their backs so let's leave that one there. How is X (X being mother's incontinent groodle/new partner/evil step-daughter/favourite topic to complain about that usually takes their heat-seeking targeting system away from you.'
If uBPD sister started poking around in my personal life I knew the best way to divert that was to ask her if she was still having problems with the neighbours that she hated. That usually filled up 15 minutes of ranting and then whoops lookit the time my tradie is here, Gotta Go. I find that when you are on the phone with a PD it pays to tell them early that you're waiting on a tradesman. Blocked toilet always takes precedence over talking to one of them about holidays. Sorry but when you've gotta go, you've really gotta go. 

[Spring Butterfly]

It seems that no matter how I say "no" that her response to my response will be painful for me and it could range from ignoring, to whiny, to kind of a know it all "I already figured that out" kind of response

But worked for me is to truly own my right to say no and understand / respect that they own the right to react how they wish to my "no". Go in knowing that she won't like being told no, honestly most humans even non PD humans don't like being told no when they want a thing. It's okay and you're not responsible for how she chooses to react to being told no.

Keep it simple without offering excuses or reasons otherwise she will be motivated to help you overcome your obstacle to your doing the things she wants you to do.

Those are my top two tips

[treesgrowslowly]

Ah yes.  This is familiar with PD parents.

Everything I said made them angry. When I said I had other plans they were angry that they were not number 1. Then years later when I did the volunteering thing as Moglow mentioned that really angered them too.

I agree with the advice already shared. Just wanted to add that I've also had this same conversation with PDs and it went the same predictable ways... They are upset and it's our fault. Eye roll.

Trees