Help with the FOG

[Matteblak]

So I haven't seen Christian counselor for about 10 months now, and my uNPD spouse has been going to him for about five months, and we have also been doing joint sessions for the same amount of time.

When he and I meet, he makes statements that lead me to believe he recognizes her issues, but when she comes home from her sessions with him, she tells me that he believes I am unsaved, and that I am torturing her with my behavior toward her in the home. that he believes I am disobedient to the word...

I don't think he would be saying those things, but in the period between her appointment in my next appointment, I am left with doubt and worry and fear uncertainty. I know that Paul tells us in Philippians to be anxious for nothing... But I am so messed up in the head over this after so many years I don't know which way is up.

Has anyone else been through this. Spent all morning reading psalm 51 hoping I haven't offended my Lord, but I did get into an argument with her yesterday...I'm doubting everything about everything and clinging only to the promises of Christ, but I am told I am horrible and...it's just hard

[Starboard Song]

I don't think he would be saying those things, but in the period between her appointment in my next appointment, I am left with doubt and worry and fear uncertainty.

You needn't wait: you can determine in the next 5 days whether your counselor believes you are disobedient to the word. If he isn't available for an appointment, it is highly likely he is available to answer this question for you: "sir, did you tell my wife that I am disobedient to the word? And, if so, explain yourself." You are entitled to know this right now.

If he does think so, hear him out and see if you agree. If he does not think this, your wife is lying to you in a matter of critical importance to you, your marriage, and your ability to thrive as a man of God.

Be biased towards action. Resolve this first source of discomfort: your lack of certainty. Then move to the next challenge.

Be good. Be strong.

[bloomie]

Matteblak - I am a bit unclear if this is someone you have been seeing jointly in the past? If so, I suggest you schedule a joint session to clear this up and have all the players in one room at the same time. It is really hard to address hearsay and I agree with Starboard Song, it is important you do this as it is unsettling you and unfair to you for this to be said over your life and character.

I would say if you determine this has been said about you, that any Christian counselor or therapist that would make these kinds of claims to one spouse about another is out of line.

The state of your soul is yours to determine. Your adherence to The Word can be informed by the observations and feedback from trusted mentors and spiritual advisors but is ultimately determined when you line up your choices with the ultimate truth... The Word of God and trust The Spirit within you to lead you to repentance and adjustments where necessary and confidence in the good character you display in your life.

Making mistakes or having disagreements and moments of difficulty with others does not make us horrible.  Having legitimate issues we acknowledge and struggle with means we are human and thankfully grace is sufficient for our stumbles and bumbles.

Let us know as you are able how you are coping with all of this. Much strength and peace to you as you address this.

[Matteblak]

Sorry about the confusion, my original post should have said "I have been seeing... "Not "I haven't seen." I'm discussing my wife.

Thank you both for your advice and encouragement, my first inclination was to reach out and ask. Also I didn't know if this is something that other people and counter, accusations made in the heat of an argument. I know in general that's pretty normal given this forum, but it just seems odd to make an accusation that is so easily verified/fact checked.

[Free2Bme]

Matteblak,

I completely agree with input from both Bloomie and Starboard. 

I understand the feeling of not knowing which end is up or who to believe.  Be encouraged, this is not a permanent thing for you, you will be able to get some traction as you gain clarity and come Out of the FOG. 

Yes, it is not unusual for PDs to embellish, manipulate, and weaponize words of a counselor (or scripture).  IME, PD's often view counselors a a threat because they really do not want to be exposed.  I would give the counselor the benefit of the doubt until you hear otherwise. 

I would suggest that you schedule this meeting as soon as you can get in and calmly tell the counselor the things she said and ask for some clarification.  Meanwhile, don't be afraid of information (I struggle with this).   These are just words she is saying, words have no authority/power unless they are true. 

You are courageous, you can do this.  You are not alone.

Let us know how you are doing Matteblak

[Associate of Daniel]

Matteblak, you've received some good feedback here.

May I add - the fact that you are concerned that what your wife says might be true (that you are not a christian and that you are disobedient to God's word), and the fact that you are reading the Bible (especially psalm 51!), indicates to me that you ARE a christian.

We are all disobedient to God's word in various ways. That doesn't necessarily mean that we are not christians.

We are saved because of Christ.  Not because of any good behaviour on our part.

Keep clinging to Christ's promises.

AOD

[Matteblak]

Thank you all for the encouragement and suggestions. Calling my counselor this morning to get some clarification re: his comments (if he actually made them). If he truly has these concerns, I want those to be on the agenda for upcoming appointments. I don't want to be dismissive of feedback and admonition from another believer, especially one who has a better picture of my life/behavior than anyone else I can think of (all friends and family have either been pushed away or are at arm's length).

I would have kept on forever trying to manage my unmanageable spouse if not for the fact that I was saved about 4 years ago. It was at that moment that Christ showed me that I am a real individual whom he loves, chose, saved, and is (thankfully) sanctifying. I am not an accessory; I have inherent dignity as a person, if only because I am created in his image. I never realized how little of me still existed until that point. I had shifted my entire identity to worshiping and trying to please her. This fit right into my (insert well known legalistic denomination here) upbringing as I tried to placate the unpleasable god in my home.

I'm sure many others have similar stories, and I cannot stress enough how grateful I am to find people here who understand the unique perspective that being a believer brings to the mess that is PD. PD does give me insight into just how powerful God is...difficult situations make Romans 8:28 all the more beautiful, and that takes away the despair that many on this forum must feel as they have no hope beyond changing their circumstances. I find it interesting that, as believers, our circumstances are often the one thing we CANNOT change. In the world, not OF the world...

Thanks for letting me ramble.

[1footouttadefog]

I can relate wjen you say "how little of me still existed"

The pd can destroy both the pd amd those around them.

It is not right to destroy and deform wuat God created and loves. 

I am glad you have a relationship with God and are restored in that regard.

[Mary]

That is a beautiful story about how believing in Christ gave you a new unique identity that is valued and loved. This issue of enmeshment is a new concept to me. I thought, "the two shall become one," meant I had to give up my own personality and self. I guess it's still hard for me to reconcile these concepts. I like how you mentioned focusing on Christ instead of cowering to a "little g" god in your home.