Was this a toxic, abusive relationship?

[foggydude]

I could use some support. I didnt realize I was with a woman for 18 months that showed all the traits of BPD. Abandonment was the worst. She would request or take my keys so I wouldnt leave.
She was 20 years younger and extremely beautiful. We had a great 2 month courtship until finally consumating the relationship.
I recently realized I am probably codependent.
She sabotaged things making it difficult for me to stay and not leave during a disagreement. She said she could handle no form of no. We agreed to me taking a 20 minute walk to calm down. She pushed me so hard.
Last argument reached a new high. She had started to get physical with me when she didnt get her way.
I woke 5 mornings a week to meditate with her. Weekends I would sleep in but she usually had plans for us. On a Sunday morn, I used the toilet. She came in and said I needed to wake. I said in am hour but she should lay down with me. She requested again and said she felt dismissed. I said we can talk about it but after, whether 5 minutes or 5 hours, I was going to lay in bed for 1 hour. Well if she wakes me, I won't get to sleep in. I had 0 boundaries but this day was it.
She threw water on me. Grabbed my head and shook it. Now I'm mad and apathetic.
She slapped me (not hard but thats not the point) . I told her to leave and she refused. I got in my car and she stood behind it so I could not leave. I thot she was going to break the windows so I got out. She wanted to hug. I said get the fk away from me. 3 hours later she is still crying , yelling and screaming. My kid calls the cops and get her to leave. She slapped me maybe 25x in total.
This was not the 1st time she got violent with me. I had a trauma bond with her. I was deeply in love. We had something amazing that was tainted by her need for control. She would tale my cell phone, glasses, iPad, backpack and keys so I wouldnt leave.
After the police, I went no contact for 11 weeks. It was hard. I wanted her but was terrified. I wanted her to apologize w/o my prompt. She texted me that we needed to repair. That she was shaking and couldnt live in disconnection very long. Next day she said of I didnt respond she was blocking my number.
After 11 weeks I messaged her and wanted to work things out. She blasted me for 2 days. She had no interest. I needed some changes from her that I knew she wouldn't agree to. She is also in a masters program for psychology fyi.  I had already returned all of her things when I knew she was not home. She called me a coward.

I finally said , when ur heart wants to speak w me, u let me know.
We had 2 conversations lasting 4 hours and then 3. It felt beautiful. I wanted her again so badly but felt I was in am abusive, toxic relationship. Was I?

I now have her blocked as. I called her out on the blame, projection and emotional instability. Man I wish we could work it out but she has too much pride to reach out to me and wants too much from me. She wants me to be a vegetarian, never have a dri, wale to meditate 5 days a week , but a house, have a child and more an more each day.

Kills me to be no contact w a woman I can not stop thinking about for over 3 months. Ive lost my self esteem and purpose.

I took care of her quite well. I make 15x as much as she does so I paid for most everything.

Her normal good side was over the top loving, affectionate and sensual. I lost interest in sex because I was being inauthentic to myself. Living in her world.

We were in couples therapy from the start. We had rules and guidelines. Eventually I got my own therapist, which announced the possible BPD, I hired a female yogi (my girl claimed to be a yogi) to work w her kn her childhood trauma and help us be better together and I hired a relationship coach. I had scads of notes, rules and such to follow. We had procedures for anticipated problems and such.

I'd still love to work things out as I think about us every minute. I ruminate terribly even though it wasnt worth it. She had no mutual respect for me. I was being devalued. Nor did I want a child. I was in love with a beautiful woman....i never even looked at another when I was with her. We danced so well. We exercised, walked, ran, took many trips etc. We were really close spending most of our time together.

Enough for now and thanks for listening. Does this sound toxic and abusive?

[Simon]

Hi Foggy.

To answer your question "Does this sound toxic and abusive?", Yes!
It's definitely toxic and abusive.

I'm new here obviously, so when talking to people on a new forum, I tend to look back on their previous posts to get an idea of who they are, and on this particular forum, given the reason why we're all here, I thought it even more prudent to do so.
From what I read, you have an ex-wife who you suspect was Borderline.

So, I'm not sure what advice I can give, as you've been through it already too.
You definitely have my sympathy for getting involved with another Borderline (something I will never do, I can assure you), and I'm sure you will have the support from all of us here.

But can I ask you this?
Didn't going through a relationship with a Borderline before give you any clues in your 18 months with this one?
I think you know it's toxic and abusive, and you just need to hear it from others, which is understandable.

From reading your post above, it's clear that you are back and forth between wanting to get away, and finding a way to "fix" things with her.
The truth is, you can't fix her.
You can only fix yourself.

Are you prepared to spend the rest of your life being "Devalued", "disrespected", "Threatened", "Physically Abused", etc. (your words).
If not, how long are you prepared to be treated like that?
A year?
10 years?
30 years?
The choice is yours.

As someone once said: "If someone loved you, or cared for you at least a little, they would not treat you that way. Not more than once; Certainly not repeatedly."

You mention something else in your post, which I'll briefly touch on.
I'm a Vegan, as I've been most of my life, and I've never asked any of my Girlfriends to go Vegan.
I've never made them feel bad or inferior for not being a Vegan, and never used it to coerce them in any way.
In fact, all I've ever asked of them is for them to respect my Veganism.
I also meditate, which you mention about your ex.
I meditate every day for at least 20-30 mins.
The peace of mind and relaxation it brings when done properly is hard to describe in words, but I have never asked any girlfriend to participate. Just like being a Vegan, if they asked about it, I was more than happy to discuss it, but that was it.
I appreciate people for who they are, not who I think they should be.

If you're going to be with a Borderline, or any Cluster B Personality Disorder, then you are going to be controlled, you're going to be devalued, you're going to be abused (at least mentally, and in your case physically too), and eventually you're going to be discarded and replaced in a heartbeat, with no remorse or regret on their part.
No matter where they are on the scale of Personality Disorders, these things will manifest at some point.
There is no fixing them.
In their mind, they don't need fixing, and things will be fine just as long as you put up with everything they do, NEVER do it back to them, and NEVER say NO.

I feel for you man.
There are women out there who don't make your stomach tie itself in knots when you come home from work, but instead are as happy to see you as you are to see them.

Take care mate.

[Starboard Song]

Does this sound toxic and abusive?

Yes. She slapped you many times, and threw water on you. That's abusive. And it is so very unpleasant that you've blocked her on social media. That's pretty toxic. That doesn't mean it cannot be salvaged, but you should be objective about what your current status is.

I hope for you that you are able to salvage this relationship. That would be so great for you..........but only if it really is. If what salgaving it means is that you are perpetually in therapy, she acts out at least every 6 weeks, you walk on eggshells, and feel demeaned, that is not great.

So ask yourself what it is you want in a relationship. It is not the case that we have a romantic relationship with everyone in the world, only rejecting a few bad apples. What we do is have romantic relationships with almost nobody, when you think about it, accepting only the treasured ones that really help us to thrive.

I know many women who are smart, kind, productive, funny, entertaining, and interesting, but whom I'd not date. Any serious relationship, if it is to last, has to be something special. That means it is quite all right to not be with someone who, for instance, yells at you, slaps you, and throws water on you. It doesn't take away the pain to say this. It doesn't take away the longing. But it can demystify the words "toxic and abusive." There are no technical definitions to those. What matters is whether life gets easier, better and happier with her in it.

[foggydude]

Omg, thank you both for your input and opinions. I super needed this today. Simon, I really appreciate you taking the time to look into my past. Yes, Ive been here before and it was a long time ago that I read Out of the FOG. Ive read many since. Too Good to leave, too bad to stay was another great one.

My 1st mistake was being infatuated with her . this happened after a night of incredible tango dancing together. We had a connection ive never experienced and ive been at it 6 or 7 years. Then I saw her beauty and we had many, many other common pieces together. Too much to ignore. It's not every day I meet a beautiful woman, 20 years younger that I connect so deeply with.

I have been meditating for many years too but at night. Ive used it to manifest several things into my life. 2 of them were women of which she was one. She insisted I meditate and wake with her at 7 am as that was the best time and if I didn't, she wouldn't feel spiritually connected to me. I wanted to do it at night and she said we could do that too.  Ive designed my life so I can sleep late. I wanted to cuddle in bed with her everyday but she needed it her way.

I also agreed to vegetarianism, no alcohol and no smoking. Thia was the 1st date and my mistake. I knew these were dealbreakers for Her but felt over time we would fall deeply in love which we did imo. Her needs kept getting more and more. If I complied, they kept coming as I was reinforcing it. If I didn't, love withdrawal , things broken, taken and violence.

To answer your question Simon, a friend of hers mentioned BPD to me as her mom is working on a phd in psychology and knew my ex. I didnt want to believe it so I ignored the signs. Then I read Stop Caretaking The Borderline or Narcissist. This is when it all hit home for me. A month later I held the sleeping in boundary and that was our last day.

She never apologized for hitting me. I needed that to even consider repairing. Eventually I asked her to and it was not genuine understanding. She didn't deliver even close to the type of apology she expected from me.

She wouldn't have left me as her abandonment fears were off the charts. I had to initiate after the last fight. Then I wanted her back.

I'm stuck. 3.5 months and she is all I think about. I am on holiday w my son and it consumes me every moment. I want us back so bad as I think I couldve handles the BPD ok but not whilst suppressing my desire for soda, meat and some freedom. We spent so much time together as she is a student and I work from home.

Any additional ideas are appreciated. I try to keep busy but the rumination is over the top. Its compulsive.

[foggydude]

Omg, thank you both for your input and opinions. I super needed this today. Simon, I really appreciate you taking the time to look into my past. Yes, Ive been here before and it was a long time ago that I read Out of the FOG. Ive read many since. Too Good to leave, too bad to stay was another great one.

My 1st mistake was being infatuated with her . this happened after a night of incredible tango dancing together. We had a connection ive never experienced and ive been at it 6 or 7 years. Then I saw her beauty and we had many, many other common pieces together. Too much to ignore. It's not every day I meet a beautiful woman, 20 years younger that I connect so deeply with.

I have been meditating for many years too but at night. Ive used it to manifest several things into my life. 2 of them were women of which she was one. She insisted I meditate and wake with her at 7 am as that was the best time and if I didn't, she wouldn't feel spiritually connected to me. I wanted to do it at night and she said we could do that too.  Ive designed my life so I can sleep late. I wanted to cuddle in bed with her everyday but she needed it her way.

I also agreed to vegetarianism, no alcohol and no smoking. Thia was the 1st date and my mistake. I knew these were dealbreakers for Her but felt over time we would fall deeply in love which we did imo. Her needs kept getting more and more. If I complied, they kept coming as I was reinforcing it. If I didn't, love withdrawal , things broken, taken and violence.

To answer your question Simon, a friend of hers mentioned BPD to me as her mom is working on a phd in psychology and knew my ex. I didnt want to believe it so I ignored the signs. Then I read Stop Caretaking The Borderline or Narcissist. This is when it all hit home for me. A month later I held the sleeping in boundary and that was our last day.

She never apologized for hitting me. I needed that to even consider repairing. Eventually I asked her to and it was not genuine understanding. She didn't deliver even close to the type of apology she expected from me.

She wouldn't have left me as her abandonment fears were off the charts. I had to initiate after the last fight. Then I wanted her back.

I'm stuck. 3.5 months and she is all I think about. I am on holiday w my son and it consumes me every moment. I want us back so bad as I think I couldve handles the BPD ok but not whilst suppressing my desire for soda, meat and some freedom. We spent so much time together as she is a student and I work from home.

Any additional ideas are appreciated. I try to keep busy but the rumination is over the top. Its compulsive.

I want to speak with her. Dance with her, make love and spend the night but I'm no contact. Everyone in my life says to stay no contact. Ideas?

[JollyJazz]

Hi Foggy,

Good on you for reaching out. I just want to say, that you may be hurting right now, but please don't beat yourself up. You've actually done a lot of things right! But first I'll answer your question.

YES that relationship was extremely abusive.

Here are some examples:
Very controlling behavior-
Forcing you to change your diet (I'm a strict vegan and would NEVER pressure or tell others how to eat), making you get up at a certain hour etc. not drinking anything, having a child against your wishes... taking things so you can't leave

Verbal abuse- name calling etc..

Physical abuse- hitting you, grabbing your head, throwing water on you. Just awful! Criminal acts.

Financial abuse- getting you to pay for everything, even if you make more money, she shouldn't treat you like an ATM.

You definitely did the right thing getting out. I have also left abusive relationships. There is a part of you that is clear eyed, analytical and incredibly strong. You can see the abuse.

So it's wonderful that you are coming Out of the FOG. You sound like a good, caring person. You deserve much better!

I'm also healing, several years into my healing journey so I can share some tips if you like? ☺️

[foggydude]

Please do. I'm suffering as you can see. Glad to hear you think ive done some things correctly cause ive lost my self esteem, image and confidence.
Sometimes I dont think I will be ok w/o her. Sometimes I think I will have an amazing relationship if she comes back or doesnt.

Yes she wants a vegetarian. I tried. Shes a gluten free vegan. Really no restaurants at all. Shes very serious for a young woman.

So any tips are needed

I grew up in a tuff family. My mother and I parted when I was 9. My dad had a heavy hand until I was 13.

I really couldve worked w her on the unBPD but not with a new diet.

We had so much joy at my expense.

Wish I could get it thru my head how toxic and abusive this was and let that dominate my every moment thoughts of her.

I also feel guilt as I brought her last things to her place w some beautiful and painful pics....i immediately blocked her email, insta and phone....she prolly has no idea ive blocked her email and such. Wish I knew if she said something about the emotional pixs. One was in the middle of our last fight w me bleeding and wet. I wrote , it took me 2 months to get past this on it.

Now shes made it clear she is not pursuing me. That hurts tho I left her 1st.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Foggy,

First of all sending support and a hug from over the other side of the world (I'm sure!).

It's awesome that those books
'Stop caretaking the borderline of narcissist' is an amazing book isn't it!
It's fantastic that this was the start of a healing journey for you.

I hear you regarding the pain and emotional turmoil. I have also been in very emotionally abusive relationships. By the third one, I realised it was by childhood coming out, and that I needed to heal or despite my best intentions, I would keep ending up with abusers due to deep subconscious drives that pushed me towards what was 'familiar'- i.e. reminded me of my abusive family.

And the good news is, you can heal, and you have already made the first steps!  Yay.

Okay, so here's what worked for me (I'm still working on these things but have made real progress).

- taking a 1 year break from dating. This is recommended for those who have just been in an abusive relationship. It allows the mind to create it's new patterns (if you do the work).

- finding a good therapist. I know it's expensive, but it's so important to build new mental patterns. If cost us a big problem seeing them less often and negotiating a lower rate helps. I find the 'find a therapist' section on the psychology today website very helpful.

httpss://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

- Journaling. Pouring my heart out to my journal really really helps. It's also amazing to read it over with new eyes!

- self help books (especially important to do the exercises).
Books that have helped me (and some on my reading list for the near future):
- children of the self absorbed' + also an associated book by the same author on boundaries
- the dark side of the light chasers - getting in touch with parts of your personality that can help/ defend you
- the emotionally abusive relationship
-codependence for dummies
- the self esteem work book
- the inner child workbook
- complex PTSD, from surviving to thriving

Sorry if this list is a bit overwhelming! It's okay if it takes time, my progress is over months, years. But wow, it's so so worth it!

When I started setting boundaries I got blowback from unhealthy people (like your ex), whereas it deepened the relationship with kind, healthy people.

I was able to start healthy relationships with kind, good men.

It's amazing doing the work, hard at times, but you sound like a good kind, conscientious person. I believe you deserve to find love, REAL love, not the abusive, trauma bonding fake kind.

One big break through for me was deciding, deep down, that I deserve love. That it shouldn't be performance based. That it also doesn't matter if I do something 'wrong' abuse is NEVER okay!

One thing I read was that we end up in these abusive relationships again and again order to try and get closure from the original abuse from our parents. The message we got was that we aren't 'enough', so those little snippets of approval from another abuser are like a powerful drug. BUT, when we decide to love and heal ourselves it breaks that. When we get a kind, supportive relationship with a therapist, it breaks that too. We can accept rejection from messed up, abusive people, because we know that we ARE enough, and that their own issues make them abuse and reject everyone. In a sense, it's not about us.

- Another thing that helped is self care, exercise, enough sleep!!! (i.e. sleeping in one weekends if that's what you want), nature, good food, seeing (healthy) friends, movies, hobbies, whatever it is that builds you up, those things will help fill your cup and build you up as you heal.

And lastly, I feel for you on your heartache. It really hurts. You loved this person. It's really a double blow, the trauma of what someone you loved did  to you, but also your caregivers hurting you in childhood.

Sending you a great big hug and support. 

I think your ex, like all borderlines is highly unlikely to get help, and change would take years of committed effort.

Wishing you the best of luck for your health and healing 

[foggydude]

I want to thank everyone for the support and let you know that I have have read them a dozen times to get it thru my skull. And yes, I still want to be with her and start a healing journey like we talked about. No I dont want to be abused in any form either.

Idk how to even attempt to salvage this when ive blocked her and am not reaching out. I guess she is not going to do what it takes to be certain she gets a message to me

Reaching out to her puts her in power and disempowers me is my guess.

I'm really in a pickle.

I'm far too attracted to her and her good sides. I'm in fantasy

Soon I will be heading home from vaca and terrified to face my life w/o her even tho its been 3.5 months and it was toxic and abusive.

Btw, she had a spiritual superiority complex being a proclaimed Yogi. She felt she knew the "truth" and once you learned what she did, you would behave, eat and live like she did. This i took offense to amd never gave in on.

[Starboard Song]

I'm in fantasy.

We have a lot of folks around whose issues are with their parents. It may be helpful to share here something they often discover. Let's say a mom is named Diane. The member may say "I do not want a relationship with Diane. Diane consistently hurts me. Diane predictably rejects and insults me. Diane reliably does the wrong thing without understanding. I am happier when I am not around or thinking about Diane. When I am with Diane, I am stressed, and constantly worrying over how to please her, or avoid traps that will end in my abuse."

But the same member writes "I want a real, loving relationship with my mom. I want a mom who cares for me through thick and thin. My mom used to make me hot chocolate, and we'd eat popcorn for dinner when dad was away on business. I want to know my mom is there for me, and it would be an honor to care for my mom as she ages."

These members often tumble to what is going on, like my own wife did. "Diane" is a flesh-and-blood human, and is deeply flawed. All the observations, as unfixable as they sound, are spot on. Diane is reliably a source of pain and not comfort. "Mom" is an idealized role: a sought after thing that most people get in a unit of reasonable quality.

You sound like you are describing "Diane" and "that incredible lover that Diane could be if only....."

And hey, a lot of lovers just need a little fixing up, right? It is part of the beauty of relationships, that we adjust to each other. But a potter always starts with very good clay. You need to look at the observations you've made and decide whether "Diane" is good clay for you.

[1footouttadefog]

Toxic and abusive ,YES.

Sometimes the non in a relationship later realizes theybfell in love with who they thought the personality disordered person was.  That they fell in love with a false reality that was created to ensnare them.

It is often no in the nons power or control as to when or if the false person will return, when, and for how long if ever.

Some nons discover this early in others after decades of sacrificing themselves to bring their love back.   

I feel that those who learn early in the relation ship , these realities are the more fortunate.

I hope you find your life abuse free soon.

[Boat Babe]

I feel your pain foggydude, entirely. It's just horrible. It's also interesting. I suggest you start journalling specifically round your pain, get creative, make links, follow your nose on the paper and see where it leads you. Dive deep.

I've been where you are twice. Utterly heartbroken and mindfucked. It gets better though. It's not linear and it can't be rushed. But by making it a conscious process and getting as much support as possible and practicing stellar self care you will move out of this excruciating, but TEMPORARY, phase of your recovery from PD abuse.

When we went into Covid restrictions in March, I had been two and a half years out from an eighteen month relationship with an uPD. I remember, almost at the beginning, thinking how glad I was that I wasn't with him anymore. The thought of being in lockdown with him filled me with horror. And yet, when I left him, I longed for him so, so badly. For me, it took a year to fully recover (plus ongoing stuff about my own issues raised by the relationship)

Hang on foggydude, it gets better. That's a promise.

[JollyJazz]

Sending a big hug foggy dude,

It hurts so much to go through a break up like this, and I know very well what it's like to have your heart and your head telling you totally different things! Your heart- and part of it is all the emotional programming that comes from childhood, is a powerful force, but I really believe that your clear eyed part, that sees the abuse will get you free and help you heal 🤗 awesome posts from others here, it WILL get better.

My 2 cents for somethings that might provide some relief...
- a good (face to face - or zoom in these covid times) therapist if you are able, or better help.com is online therapy. Therapy (especially face to face) is so important for healing and getting free from this stuff. Reading self help books is super beneficial and a very cost effective way to heal as well, and you're already doing that 😊
- exercise - especially anything that requires focus on the here and now, rock climbing, surfing (if you live by the sea). Running is good to release stress
- and general things that you like! I know you like dancing! That's awesome! A movie marathon, hot baths, go kart racing whatever it is that takes your mind off and brings you not is a good thing!

I hope this isn't too much advice - these are things that have helped me - do take from it what you will 😊

The other thing is, by detaching from abuse you are doing something really big, it's much bigger than just detaching from one abusive relationship, it's a process starting to detach from abusive relationships in general, which is amazing and huge.

I had feelings for an abusive ex years after we broke up (he cheated on me in my beloved tent - charming huh?), after years of belittling and emotionally abusing me. I can see it clearly now, but I felt utterly broken about it for so long. Just sending you the biggest hug 🤗

You sound like a good sweet person who deserves good things.

[foggydude]

Ty once again for all of the great ideas and compassion. I have been in an unknown state of trauma bond, control, validation deficit and much, much more. OMG. And to make things worse, I still want my abuser back. The only thing that has changed since the break is that I insist on my diet, drinks and lifestyle. This is progress.

I ruminate all day long. Every day. My support folks have kinda had it with me.

Whilst the pain is waning, I long for what she represented...the love, the care, the naked tango, the closeness we shared. Yes, all at a tremendous cost.

My guess is that my current obsessiveness with this has been going on during the entire relationship. The walking on eggshells and being inauthentic to myself has kept me in a state of self induced, constant anxiety.

Currently I am at the beach in Florida with my son, floating around wandering....i am really, really lucky to be able to do this I know.

I listen to the audio book codependent no more. During the day I read other stuff, text with a support line and today I spoke with my T. He taught me how to represent and speak with my inner child to determine what I need...so that I can be whole. To provide for myself what I need so I wont need anything from anyone else. So that I can be healthy for the relationship I want.

I also just bought a short read on stopping emotional flashbacks. This part kills me as I CANNOT stop thinking about her, about us.
It deals with CPTSD.

I have to figure out how to rebuild my self esteem, my future plans, goals and objectives. These got erased with this breakup in the flash of a pan. That in itself is so frantic for me. I guess I am a sensitive soul.

I listen to YouTube, read here and keep busy, even at the beach. Even right now on Saturday night.

Thanks for listening....as I read hear I see that many people have issues far beyond mine.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Foggy,

It's great that you have a T. and you are doing that additional reading. You will definitely get through this with all the work you're putting in 

I'm glad that the pains waning. This growth period will be so so valuable in future. Stay strong, you WILL get through this. You're doing an awesome job by the sounds 

[foggydude]

I struggle with not breaking no contact. I never announced this to her and I want our relationship back. I've thought about emailing her,  contacting her therapist( who I have a have met with) or her sister.

Every single moment is a struggle. Yup we have serious issues. Yup she has 0 compromise.....this is the biggest problem for me. Yes, she is likely a relational impossibility. Logic says do not contact her. My heart says make it work. Reach out. She loves you

I'm doing the work.

The book codependent no more is making me feel guilty, like I started the rescuer, victim, perpetrator cycle.

Oh man. I feel I'll never find a gorgeous woman like this again

[JollyJazz]

Hi Foggydude,

Definitely stay strong on the NC is my advice. Even if its hard, even if your heart is saying this or that. Stay strong.

I am absolutely certain you WILL find someone nice in future. It will get easier. You WILL find someone who is kind, caring, who doesn't hit you, criticize you, call you horrible names, AND wants to do naked tango with you, hehe There are lots of awesome ladies out there.

If you don't mind me saying, I definitely think you are doing the right job now - your job is to heal, to build new relationship patterns.

Its terrific that you are seeing a therapist - how often do you see him/her?

A book you might also be interested in is called 'Attached - https://www.amazon.com.au/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139'

What have you got for self care? It sounds like you are doing a lot of great things to heal, I think this is just terrific

[foggydude]

I read that book a few years ago. Tango was amazing with her. We danced so well together. I'm more experienced and made her look wonderful....w or w/o clothes.

I'm at the beach w my son. I'm running, walking, studying, reading and obsessing about what should have been.

I realize she has no compromise.

I realise my relationship w my parents is making this worse for me.

I realize I am codependent.

I realize this was a trauma bond though the crumbs were plentiful.

I realize I am lucky to have gotten out as many cannot.

I realize I am fortunate that she doesn't want to work things out, last I heard

I realize that breaking NC will probably ruin what little self esteem I have.

She will be difficult for me to replace. This I am certain of.  Shes much younger and the most beautiful woman in the world to me.

I'm obsessed all day. Cannot remain present. I texted w a support line all afternoon while at the beach w my son. I feel sick and unhealthy. It's been almost 4 months since the breakup amd 3 weeks since I last contacted her. I'm terrified to return home or even drive past her town or exit. I feel like a wuss. A love addict

[JollyJazz]

Hi Foggy dude,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling.

Hang in there, stay strong. Keep up with all the good things you are doing, growing, changing, studying as you are, running. Those things are awesome and will get you through this and take you somewhere much better. Good one on the seeing a therapist too.

I know it's hard now, but I think you really are in the eye of the storm, and this storm WILL pass,

In relation to finding someone else, I was just reading that for people who have grown up with PD parents (I have been working on the resultant codependency issues myself for years) the people we attach to often seem irreplaceable, but they are really not. The fact that you could meet one attractive person is kind of proof that you could definitely meet another.

I know its hard when you intellectually know things but are still in pain. Sending a big hug. You are doing a great job of sticking to the NC and working on the healing. Hope you have a nice day at the beach with your son! It sounds so lovely

The inner critic might be saying mean things like you are a 'wuss' but you aren't, you've shown enormous strength and courage walking away. You've shown great courage reaching out to a therapist, reading and working on self help, growing and changing.

The people that are the scared ones are those that are too afraid to change, that bully and abuse others.

You might want to try and challenge the inner critic and point out all the good things you are doing, all your good points.

You're doing great foggy.

[foggydude]

Ty jollyjazz. Truth is, the only way I got her was due to my codependence and people pleasing. I was so willing to meet her diet, alcohol abstination and quit smoking requirements. I had connected so deeply an knew I wanted her. I'm not going to do that again.

Yes I have a lot to offer but so do other men. She had been with men older than me previously, but I did not know that

Still think what you've read is accurate here? Still think I can meet someone like that ? That I have that level of attraction to physically and on the love, affection and attention spectrums?

Also, I am obsessing over this woman. All I think about is her....us...the want. I cannot stop the endless loop. I reach for her in the middle of the night....i wake thinking if her....desiring her. This cant be normal